lora22 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 OK, I went out with this guy tonight who I'm friendly with. We worked together for about a month (and haven't worked together for about a month now); we hung out once in a group of work people at his place; he texted me many times between then and now to hang out but I was super busy and traveling so we never did. I took all of this to be just friendly, but had the potential to be more. I'm finally going to actually be around for a bit, so I texted him the other day and we made plans to get drinks tonight; we ended up doing dinner/drinks. It felt like a date (for many reasons, including but not limited to him calling me baby, love, honey; holding my hand; things like that - totally different from any other time we hung out). It was going really well (still thought it was just friendly, although it was different than other times we'd hung out b/c it was just the two of us, etc.), and then a couple who he's friends with called him and joined us (he asked me if it was OK if they did first)....which was great, but then ANOTHER girl texted him (who he works with and I used to work with) and she ended up meeting us too. This was fine, except that she totally was into this guy! It was in her body language, and she talked to him about things that excluded everyone else. So basically I ended up feeling like the 5th wheel - thank goodness the other girl and I hit it off and she seemed to see what was going on and made an effort to talk to me more. The other girl left, and it went back to feeling like a date! Like, the guy I was with went back to doing date-y things, and also INSISTED on paying for me - but he paid for the other girl's bill too! And it wasn't cheap. Anyways, I'm just confused about what happened, so if anyone has any insight feel free to let me know. I don't need to hear "he's not interested in you" because that's pretty obvious to me. I just need some kind of analysis of the situation, because it's beyond my experiences.
likeORIGAMI Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 So, he neglected you when the other girl came? He sounds like trouble to me.
Author lora22 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 So this guy just texted me apologizing for the fact that other people came to hang out (which I was totally fine with and told him as much) and said we should do it again next week (I'm going away this weekend). I'm not sure if it was implied that it would be just the two of us or not. So is that a date or a friendly invitation? I'm kind of stressing about this because I don't have a lot of guy friends, cuz IME they end up wanting more than friendship, which in turn ruins the friendship. I'm friendly with a lot of guys, but I haven't made a guy friend in a long time so I'm not sure what's up! So how do I make it clear to this guy that he's in my friend zone without having an awkward conversation? I would feel like such a jackass implying that he wants more when I don't know that's the case. I just want to avoid any possible drama or awkwardness and keep him as a friend.
Author lora22 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 So, he neglected you when the other girl came? He sounds like trouble to me. For some reason this is the first time this post came up! Anyways, yeah that's what I thought - like, even as a friend I was kind of like, um OK.....and when she was leaving she tried to leave money for her bill (he told the waitress to put his, my and her stuff on one bill), and he insisted he would cover her. He walked her out, and that's when the bill came, so I looked at it and when he came back gave him cash for my share of the bill - and again he insisted that he would cover the whole thing. It just strikes me as odd. Don't know what to make of the situation. My friends might buy rounds at a bar, but we don't buy meals and drinks for each other like that either, so that was odd to me, but obviously it couldn't have been a "date" either, since he paid for the other girl!
EddieN Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 A similar situation happened to me a while ago, which I think I might have posted about here. About a year ago, I met with this girl I met a few nights beforehand. We had five minutes alone before she saw a bunch of her friends. She asked if it was ok if they sat with us. There was one girl and about 5 guys. Well, I wasn't too thrilled about it...I wanted to be alone with her, but I ended up turning the situation around. I was actually really friendly with her guy friends and ended up talking with them a lot more than her. Anyway, back to your situation... I would have said he just was inviting you to have some drinks as friends BUT if he was referring you to all those mushy names and even held your hand, I would think that was a date. Honestly, I don't know what's up with this guy. If I was calling you those things and held your hand, I wouldn't have let other people intrude on us. Maybe he's a player and is just really flirty with women when he goes out. Who knows? It would be one thing if he paid equal attention to you and the other girl. It's a totally different thing if he gave her a lot more attention when she came in, though. If I was you, that would piss me off.
DarkestDreams Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I'm sure he thinks it was a date since he was doing "date-y" stuff and apologized for other people being there, although he more or less invited them at the time, and asked you out again (by the sound of it sounds like a date and since he apologized, I'm guessing it would be the just of two next time) . While I can see why the extra couple wouldn't be such a big deal, the fact that the other girl showed up is quite weird. It sounds to me like he enjoyed her presence there and went with the flow, despite the fact that it was making you uncomfortable. You both worked with her, so what's your take on it? Has he made any previous comments in regards to her? Maybe he's completely oblivious to her advances and that's why he didn't think too much about inviting her as well. He could consider her a friend and maybe he picked up her share of the bill because it was "his turn" or something.
Lucky555 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Sounds like he thought it was a date. 1. He apologized for the other people 2. He called you love, sweety, ect. Thats not a friend behavior. 3. He paid for you with my friends we never pay for each other. As far as i have known its only been on dates when i get a free meal.
Author lora22 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Yeah, I mean, I like meeting new people, so I had no problem with everyone else coming (until I felt a little awkward for a little bit when it was me and two couples, but the other couple included me). He definitely wasn't flirting with the other girl, it was just more like he wasn't discouraging her (and possibly was shy or socially awkward or something and didn't know what was going on??); and then he paid for her and me both - and it wasn't a small bill. It didn't seem like it was "his turn" to foot the bill, but that could just be my assumption based on how they were arguing about it. I'm also not sure what to make of him and the other girl - he hasn't mentioned her in a way that would make me think that he's interested in her; also from talking to her he doesn't seem like her type, but she was definitely being possessive of him last night!
Jilly Bean Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 If he's inviting other people to join your "date", including a woman who's into him, then he's not thinking of you romantically. He may try to bed you, though. He sounds like a total douche, to be honest.
Author lora22 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 He may try to bed you, though. He sounds like a total douche, to be honest. That's what my sister said too. I didn't initially think it was a date either, I thought we were going to hang out as friends (which is really why other people coming didn't bother me - if I thought it was a date I might not have been as laid back about it); it's just the other things (terms of endearment, hand holding, insisting on paying for me, the apology, etc.) that made me wonder WTH is going on.
EddieN Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 If he's inviting other people to join your "date", including a woman who's into him, then he's not thinking of you romantically. He may try to bed you, though. He sounds like a total douche, to be honest. Yeahhh, that was my impression. Like, kudos to him for being a stud, but if he actually wanted to date you and not just try to get in your pants, I think he would have kept it just the two of you. He would have AT LEAST not shifted his focus to the other girl.
Author lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Yeahhh, that was my impression. Like, kudos to him for being a stud, but if he actually wanted to date you and not just try to get in your pants, I think he would have kept it just the two of you. He would have AT LEAST not shifted his focus to the other girl. Another thing contributing to my was that he also made it a point to explain to me that he doesn't really "date." He described his dating as hanging out with girls in groups as friends, and if there's mutual attraction and interest, then it turns into more (if that makes anyone question age, I'm 25 and he's late 28 or 29). So maybe he's trying to be a player and he's just kind of awkward at it or something. LOL he definitely has me super confused and thinking about this way more than anyone else I've ever "dated" or been friends with! I'm not even really attracted to him (looks or personality, he's a little too metro and urbane for me); I do think he's a really cool, fun person, so I'd like to be friends, but at this point I'm just like, huh???
Lucky555 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Yeah, I mean, I like meeting new people, so I had no problem with everyone else coming (until I felt a little awkward for a little bit when it was me and two couples, but the other couple included me). He definitely wasn't flirting with the other girl, it was just more like he wasn't discouraging her (and possibly was shy or socially awkward or something and didn't know what was going on??); and then he paid for her and me both - and it wasn't a small bill. It didn't seem like it was "his turn" to foot the bill, but that could just be my assumption based on how they were arguing about it. I'm also not sure what to make of him and the other girl - he hasn't mentioned her in a way that would make me think that he's interested in her; also from talking to her he doesn't seem like her type, but she was definitely being possessive of him last night! Sounds like he maybe flirting with the other girl at work or she is flirting with him. She showed up to see him, thats what it sounds like. A guy that i was seeing and we had previously worked together, got together in a group setting at a club. I too was with other people, but he and I were mostly talking to each other. it was good until another girl from work showed up and he had to leave to go get her into the club. The girl showed up because she wanted to see him. In his mind she was not what he wanted but he thought it was a friendly get together. However, I knew they flirted at work but it wouldn't go any farther than that because she was not what he wanted (she had a kid). Since i was seeing him I wasn't too happy that she was going to be there because I didn't like that she was after my guy and she never was able to get into the club..that because i had VIP access lol I was soo ELATED! IT was a good night without her (i also didn't like her because she worked with me and treated me like crap because he liked me) the way she was being possessive sounds like the flirting and being coworkers dynamics, they see each other a lot. Its why the girls behavior reflects this. He is just "having fun" with her. He maybe have foot the bill for her to indicate he was interested in her and he foot the bill for you because he wants to date you. Because they are coworkers maybe he doesn't want to get involved and jeopardize his job. This happens alot. He also could have wanted to show off in front of you so you could be impressed that he has money. Bottom line she was there to see him. he knows she likes him it has to be obvious to him. If you want to be friends with him you should make it clear that your just going to be friends. I too have not been able to keep a guy friend because they always want more. It would be so nice to have a guy friend but it has not happened for me yet.
Author lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Funny you should mention your experience Lucky, this girl is like 19 or 20 - so to my mind a kid. And how does one make it clear that he's just a friend, short of saying "Hey, just so we're clear, I only think of you as a friend"?? Cuz honestly, I don't want to presume anything, I don't want to make anything awkward, AND on top of that, I don't want to be friends with someone that is trying to get in my pants or is waiting on the sidelines thinking that one day it might happen. To me, that's not a real friend.
D-Lish Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Something doesn't sit right abut the whole experience. Inviting another single female along is sort of weird, so is picking up the bill for everyone. I'm almost picking up that this guy is insecure, feels like he needs to prove himself. It sounds like he was showing off. Inviting others to join in isn't strange- but the young girl part doesn't sit right. It's almost like he is parading that he his sought after. It reminds me on some levels of my experiences with online dating. Some guys post pics of themselves with their arms around tons of women- sometimes it's Hooter's girls, or girls in a bar, etc, etc. I immediately think to myself that the guy is insecure- and needs to post these pictures to lure other women into thinking he is viable. What does your gut tell you? I have no doubt that this was a real date in his mind. I just can't figure out if he is naive, or a total douche.
Author lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 What does your gut tell you? I have no doubt that this was a real date in his mind. I just can't figure out if he is naive, or a total douche. Ha, honestly this whole situation is bizarre I think; one reason is definitely because of the other girl's age (she's a cool girl, and she is VERY mature for her age - but she's still only like 19 as opposed to everyone else being 25-30). Also bizarre because I don't have a gut feeling about this guy or this situation! Which is very unusual. But I think you're right, he either has to be naive or a douche.
EddieN Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Ha, honestly this whole situation is bizarre I think; one reason is definitely because of the other girl's age (she's a cool girl, and she is VERY mature for her age - but she's still only like 19 as opposed to everyone else being 25-30). Also bizarre because I don't have a gut feeling about this guy or this situation! Which is very unusual. But I think you're right, he either has to be naive or a douche. Solution - send her my way so she can't interfere anymore with your guy.
dressing up Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Another thing contributing to my was that he also made it a point to explain to me that he doesn't really "date." Believe him. Do you know if he earns a lot? If he does, then he probably doesn't think much about paying for you and that girl, even if it may seem like a lot of money. What jumped out at me is more the fact that he paid more attention to her when she arrived. Even if you end up going out with him, you'll probably always have the nagging feeling as to who that girl was to him and how many of that girl there were/are. Not a fun thing.
Author lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Solution - send her my way so she can't interfere anymore with your guy. Come to Boston, I'll set you up She's really pretty too
EddieN Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Come to Boston, I'll set you up She's really pretty too Meh, next time I'll be in Boston is October unless I have a sudden urge to see a red sox game, which isn't too likely. Tell her to come down to NJ. Oh, and the thing about him not "dating" is a pretty clear sign methinks. Every guy that I know who says that means that they are/think they are players (in most cases, they only think they are). They also tend to be douches.
Author lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Believe him. Do you know if he earns a lot? If he does, then he probably doesn't think much about paying for you and that girl, even if it may seem like a lot of money. What jumped out at me is more the fact that he paid more attention to her when she arrived. Even if you end up going out with him, you'll probably always have the nagging feeling as to who that girl was to him and how many of that girl there were/are. Not a fun thing. He doesn't have TONS of disposable income, but I can see where he definitely has more than the other girl, and he might think that he has more than me, so he might be trying to be generous (or trying to show off or something, who knows). You're right about him paying attention to her over me though. I don't really know what to make of that. Like, I'm sure he wasn't trying to be rude, but at the same time, it WAS rude, and I don't know if it was just a faux pas, if he's into the girl, or he's just kind of socially inept sometimes and didn't get it.
Author lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Meh, next time I'll be in Boston is October unless I have a sudden urge to see a red sox game, which isn't too likely. Tell her to come down to NJ. Oh, and the thing about him not "dating" is a pretty clear sign methinks. Every guy that I know who says that means that they are/think they are players (in most cases, they only think they are). They also tend to be douches. Maybe we can compromise on NYC HA I'd have to say with this guy, if that's the case, it would definitely have to be that he THINKS he's a player. I've had my experiences with players, real ones, and he definitely is not a real one. As far as him explaining how he "dates" it seemed to me like he just doesn't invest that much energy into dating girls he's interested in (whether that's because he's shy, lacks confidence, is lazy, I don't know); but again, maybe like you said it's just because he wants to be a player.
D-Lish Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Come to Boston, I'll set you up She's really pretty too Then honestly- that's a red flag. If she's hot and he ignored the table to chat with her when she came... I'd put this guy out to pasture.
Author lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Then honestly- that's a red flag. If she's hot and he ignored the table to chat with her when she came... I'd put this guy out to pasture. I'd like to be friends though. I'm not especially interested in dating him (more concerned that he would consider it a date or be interested in more from me - I don't want to lead him on if that was the case), and not jealous of this other girl or anything. Do you think it's a lost cause to try to be friends?? Also, if he were just being douche-y I wouldn't want to be friends with him either, which is partly why I'm trying to decipher this "date" or whatever it was.
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I can't see this being too difficult to turn back into friends. For that matter, the first time he pushed it with pet names and holding your hand, that would have been the time to let him know he's just a friend, through body language and gently but firmly withdrawing your hand. If you're getting together again, drop in that you enjoy his company as "friends". Then, when the bill comes, insist on paying since he paid your bill last time as "friends".
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