Summer Camp Depression, I'm an emotional mess

[lazlow99]

Hi, and thanks to whoever reads this as it's probably going to be quite long.

 

I'm a 20 year old male. For a while now its been in the back of my mind that I have some emotional issues.

 

I'm about to start my 3rd year at University in September, and while its been a great experience and I've grown as a person I feel that I lack direction in my life and sometimes I think that my life is pretty empty. I'm worried that I have depression or some mental problems that are keeping me from having a normal and happy life.

 

Over the last week or so I was working at a summer camp in the US (I'm from the UK). It was supposed to allow me to meet new people, travel, teach what I enjoy doing and have an amazing time. How can any of this be a bad thing? Well, I freaked out. I found it difficult to mix and form friendships, and while many people were open and friendly I just shut down and found it difficult to respond to most of them. After slowly isolating myself from everyone, I decided to quit. Some people didn't want me to go and a couple of people said that I'm a nice guy and friendly etc, and they couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy it there and I can't either.

 

This pattern has repeated itself at stages throughout my whole life. When I was around 12 on the last day of primary school me and my friends were playing and suddenly a cloud descended on me. I suddenly felt really sad, unhappy and over that summer I lost almost all of my friends that I'd grown up with by just not hanging around with them anymore. I couldn't explain what triggered it, or what I was feeling. It was just like something was sucked out of me.

 

I went to high school and was pretty shy. I had a small group of friends and didn't have many problems, but trouble between my family affected me and I became very depressed at one point. This affected me at school, led to me acting down and negative and a few people picking on me because of it. After going so far as to make myself sick so that my parents wouldn't make me go to school, I ended up responding with violence and attacking the people who were picking on me. I was actually frightened at the amount of anger I had in me. During high school some girls showed interest in me, but I didn't know what to do about it and didn't feel confident enough or that i had enough self worth to pursue anything.

 

College was fine, it was like a new start after high school and although I still didn't have any romantic relationships I was no where near as insecure or shy as I was in high school.

 

When I was 18 I started University. I made more friends than I'd had during most of my life. However, most of my friends have expanded more socially than I have, and are more ''in the loop'' than I am with the social life on campus. I've slept with a couple of girls, but these were the results of being drunk or just sex with no emotional connection at all. I've also dabbled in drugs and drank a lot, and when I was at the summer camp its kind of scary for me that the only time I felt alive was when we went to the bar and I got really drunk. I've got a lot of self control, so I'm not worried about developing a drink problem however I can see how I would be a perfect candidate for it.

 

When I return in September I'm a councilor living with the 1st year students in the dorms. I volunteered for this to meet new people and have fun, and I'm really looking forward to it. However its ironic that I'm supposed to help these guys settle in when I'm probably the one with the most problems.

 

To be honest none of my friends or family would know that I'm troubled. I put on a happy front, I smile, tell jokes, can make people laugh and I believe that deep down I am a good person. When I'm around people who like me I'm on a high, often the centre of attention and joking around. However when I'm alone with my thoughts all these insecurities creep back. I worry about my future, not having a loving relationship with someone and ending up alone. I've always had friends, but theres nothing for me in my hometown, and if I move to another city how will I react in a new environment where I don't know anyone?

 

When I look in the mirror I see someone who is young, good looking and well dressed, and I can't understand why I can't reach out to people and be fun around new people. I have got it in me to be happy, normal person, but this barrier comes down and shuts all this in. At University and in many places I come across as being happy and chatty, but I always remain kind of aloof to people. I suppose this is some kind of unconscious defense. When I was talking to some of leaders at the camp (on separate occasions), it was the first time I had ever opened up to someone about the way I'm feeling. One guy used the words that its like ''depression'' - the first time I've ever heard that word being associated with me from another person, and another woman (who was great to talk too) said that it was ashame I have this pain inside me, which really struck me.

 

All I want in life is to have a social circle and have a meaningful relationship. But years of me being aloof with people, introverted and anxious around strangers is preventing me from having this. I could've made some friends for life at this camp, I connected really well with a couple of people, but I shut down, got scared and ran away. It's almost like I have to punish myself and I can't allow myself to be happy.

 

I really think I need to go to a councilor when my studies start in September. Has anyone gone through anything similar in the life or any comments for me?

 

Thanks for reading this.

[GirlBytheOcean219]

You should check out a psychologist. They can help. You aren't alone, many people deal with this every day. You can be fixed and you will be, since you are already intending to seek help. This is a huge step in the right direction and you should be congratulated for the strength you have shown by realizing you need help.

[lazlow99]

Thanks for the complement! I've felt better over the last couple of days, and I feel fine now, but it does repeat itself and I go from highs to lows pretty easily. I'm almost too emotional, and when I get down I find it difficult to see any light at all and there doesn't have to be much of a trigger for me getting like that. I am going to speak to a councilor at university, I can't see it doing any harm. I just scared of this affecting any of my future relationships.