Things are finally good, now I think I've lost attraction to her, now what?

[heartbreakkid]

I'll make a long story as short as possible.

 

My fiancee and I have been engaged for a year. We dated 6 years previous to that, but never lived together until a few months ago. The first three months of living together was honestly hell. A lot of it was maybe getting used to living with each other, etc.

 

About a month ago we had a blowout...one in which I told her that we are finished. I explained to her that she was always in a bad mood, anything I did was never good enough (if I cleaned the bathrooms, she would come home and ask why I didn't clean something else), she never put forth an effort having sex (it was always her laying there and asking me to finish), etc.

 

I basically just said I'm done. So she started saying she loves me and that she would do anything to stay...and I said it's too late for that (as we had the breakup conversation before...in fact, she broke up with me a month before and I said "okay" only for her to take it back).

 

I gave her another chance (the last one mind you), and she has been the person I started dating years ago: sweet, great mood/attitude, etc.

 

However, I suddenly lost attraction to her after that fight. I used to find her sexy...and would be turned on by almost anything she wore. Now, I honestly have no desire to have sex with her. It has nothing to do with her body changing: She's beautiful, has a great little body, beautiful face: But I just have no desire to have sex with her.

 

Is this normal? What the heck is going on?

 

Granted, she has never been into sex...and does it just for me. But did something just click in my head....something that turned me off because she is never into sex? If so, I find it coincidental that it happened all of a sudden after the last fight. Even when we were fighting regularly...I still found her sexy as hell and still wanted to have sex with her at all times.

 

Help.

[luvstarved]

Just some food for thought

 

1) The fight did not cause the lack of attraction, really.

 

2) What did cause it was either the behaviors that preceded it (you came to a realization that you finally verbalized and truly allowed yourself to feel)...OR

 

3) Her current behavior feels like an act and some subconscious feeling of insincerity on her part or ...that the act will fade away over time is at play

 

4) Maybe her "kowtowing" to you at some level has made you lose some respect for her. This might sound strange, but it has happened to me before...when it is obvious that someone is so motivated to stay with me, it almost feels like ... maybe they are not worthy. Like it is desperation, even if realistically it isn't.

 

You were truly fed up and turned off by her behaviors, but maybe you kept suppressing it and that allowed you to maintain sexual interest in her. Once you verbalized them, there was no going back. Meanwhile, now that she is acting as she once did...it feels like an act and maybe now she seems fake or...insincere. And maybe there is some loss of respect to be found wherever someone submits to our wishes, even if our wishes are reasonable requests for respect in return!

 

Will take some effort to get it back, if indeed it is possible. I would suggest IC for you to try to understand what it behind this feeling. Simply understanding it might make it go away...

[giotto]

yes, when something breaks, it's very difficult to get it back... obviosuly, something has clicked in your head and the attraction has gone... it will be difficult for you to pinpoint, so maybe IC is the right path to follow...

[heartbreakkid]

Just some food for thought

 

1) The fight did not cause the lack of attraction, really.

 

2) What did cause it was either the behaviors that preceded it (you came to a realization that you finally verbalized and truly allowed yourself to feel)...OR

 

3) Her current behavior feels like an act and some subconscious feeling of insincerity on her part or ...that the act will fade away over time is at play

 

4) Maybe her "kowtowing" to you at some level has made you lose some respect for her. This might sound strange, but it has happened to me before...when it is obvious that someone is so motivated to stay with me, it almost feels like ... maybe they are not worthy. Like it is desperation, even if realistically it isn't.

 

You were truly fed up and turned off by her behaviors, but maybe you kept suppressing it and that allowed you to maintain sexual interest in her. Once you verbalized them, there was no going back. Meanwhile, now that she is acting as she once did...it feels like an act and maybe now she seems fake or...insincere. And maybe there is some loss of respect to be found wherever someone submits to our wishes, even if our wishes are reasonable requests for respect in return!

 

Will take some effort to get it back, if indeed it is possible. I would suggest IC for you to try to understand what it behind this feeling. Simply understanding it might make it go away...

 

I think you're onto something (if not completely accurate) with #2 and #3.

 

What do you mean by suggesting "IC." Is that intense counseling? (ignore my assumption if it's wrong, just guessing here).

 

She was dressed up today pretty sexy for work...nice top, skirt, etc. and I did desire sex with her...which for the last week I hadn't.

 

However, do you think it's possible that I have been completely turned off by her because of the fact that she never initiates sex with me and/or wants to have it (other than to please me)? The reason I have a problem thinking that way is that in the past, even when she didn't want to have sex, I always found her so sexually attractive that it didn't matter...and I still wanted her.

 

yes, when something breaks, it's very difficult to get it back... obviosuly, something has clicked in your head and the attraction has gone... it will be difficult for you to pinpoint, so maybe IC is the right path to follow...

 

IC?

[HsMomma]

Heartbreak, "IC" is individual counseling. Sounds like it might make a big difference in your life, as well as helping you to understand why your feelings of attraction have just seemed to "poof". Good luck to you.

[heartbreakkid]

Any other opinions?

[Teslacoil]

Well even though you've been with her for 6 years, I've found that sexual desire for someone can very naturally ebb and flow. I'm sure that this latest fight has subconsciously made her less desirable to you. Personally, I'm not attracted at all to ugly personalities inside beautiful bodies, and maybe it's your problems with her personality that are turning you off to her.

 

However, 1 month of ebbing sexual desire isn't necessarily anything to panic over. Two or Three months down the line? I'd say maybe it's a sign to move on.

 

Some of my best friends have told me that their libidos were signaling them to get out of a relationship before their hearts and minds figured it out.

[tweldy]

From what I've read, you're not really compatible sexually. At best, you want to have sex with her and she tolerates it. You're not really compatible living together, unless she hides her irritation. She seems to be basically not dealing with what's annoying her and trying to bury it, certainly she hasn't come up with some explanation for why she was always annoyed with you. Believe me, those things never just 'go away' right now I'm sure its festering.

 

If its not clear to you that your relationship is a train wreck, then you'll have to learn the hard way, and for that, I'm really sorry.