This i pretty screwed up but....

[offset_man]

I am a married man. I walked into a bar on January 12, 2006 with a friend and ended up talking to a married woman all evening. I think I fell in love with her that night. Something I was not looking for and neither was she. She is a real estate agent and was in the bar for a drink after a course she was taking. Her friend was there to meet a date who arrived moments later after I starting talking. I offered to leave and let her be with her friends and she asked me to sit down. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She later told me that I made her feel like she was the only one in the room. I detected some marital strife in her life.

 

She was at the time 38 and I was 50 (I don't look 50 people tell me and I know that). She has two young children now 12 and 13. My boys are 19 and 21.

 

The next morning I arrived at my office and opened up my email. There was email from her telling my how “sincerely” she enjoyed talking to me (and my friend who had later given up on the women he was talking with). I wrote back and said that I enjoyed meeting her, probably commented on her beautiful brown eyes, and would love to have a coffee with her to discuss real estate some time.

 

I met her for dinner two weeks later. At the time I still had no idea what she wanted in me and if she considered me just a real estate prospect. Pardon me if I was naive.

 

What I didn't know at the time and to which she confided in me about one month later was that she had been seeing an unmarried man for almost 3 years. He was also someone who was helping her with her web based promotional material, and she was seeing him regularly. He apparently didn't love her. He was a childhood friend of her brother's and someone who she had dated briefly in university. I was shocked of course.

 

We were falling hard for one another. She ended the relationship with the other man for me.

 

Since that night that I first met her we have probably exchanged as many as 65-70 thousand blackberry notes and emails. We said good morning and good night every day. The messages she sent were intense and this intensity lasted almost 3.5 years. She said she was growing more in love with me every day. She said, “this should have begun to wear off”. She worried when I travelled I would meet other more sophisticated woman and said she didn't know what I saw in her. She said, "you could have any woman you want". She had been aware of previous affairs. I had been honest.

 

She asked me to never stop loving her. Many many times. She wanted to grow old with me. We both saved many special emails and I have looked at them and can't believe what has now happened based on what she said to me. I have never had a woman so in love with me. I don't think I have ever been so in love. She'd tell me that there are many temptations in her life that she is approached by many man but none come close to me in so many ways. "You stand heads above them".

 

We'd see each other as much as possible. The sex was good. She opened up to me in a way she said she'd never done with her husband.

 

We managed to go away to Florida for 3 nights ever year and just completed our 4th trip there this June.

 

For the past two months she has been extremely busy. The last time I met her for sex was in early March. She has never sold so much real estate. I too was getting very busy and actually appreciated the break from the constant interference. We'd meet occasionally for a quick afternoon drink, but that was it.

 

One day a man knocked at her car window when she had just finished showing a condo. He asked if she were an agent and could she show it to him. She did. She told me about him. He was leaving his wife. He became a client. He is a doctor but works for the government. A civil servant.

 

At one point in early May I half heartedly suggested that perhaps this guy might be appropriate for her; that he was closer in age (47 -by the way the age difference between me and her was never an issue, but was for me). That he was going to be "single" and there perhaps were reasons why this guy might be a good fit. She wrote back and said that was silly, she loved me. I saw her the next day for a drink and she asked me why I said those things to her. I said I want her to be happy. I guess I was just looking for confirmation of her love and she gave it to me.

 

She has never asked me to leave my wife but is incredibly jealous of her. It was becoming harder and harder to do the normal things one would need to do with one's wife without worrying about offending her. She at times would become livid. I found myself suppressing the truth. She also said she was not ready to leave her husband but my wife was becoming a burning issue with her. One of the last notes she sent to me was: “yes I hate her”.

 

She and I looked at a condo together (ironically one that she has showed the doctor) and fanaticised about the two of us living there together.

 

But neither of us was ready really to make the move: she concerned about her ability to make enough money for her kids to live the way they had been accustomed and I about the financial implications while my business had been doing poorly for some time and how I would pay my wife. There are also other emotional issues and even though my kids are older the youngest is very sensitive and I was afraid he might lose his year at university. In short things seemed to be going along fine, even though one of her friends asked, “where’s this going”.

 

I also began to seriously worry about being married to a woman (yes, we did talk about marriage, and she said she would even take my name out of respect for me (not my demand)) with two small children and her being out of the house almost 24/7. How could such a thing work, I thought. I would be lonely with no one to spend weekends with. My wife has been a good companion to me that way. There were other issues: she felt inferior intellectually and asked how she would fit in with my friends. I always assured her that was not an issue, but I did wish she found the time to pay a little more attention to what was going on in the world around her.

 

We arranged our trip to Florida for the 11th of June. About two weeks before our departure I complimented her on how her business was going and that the "plan" would soon be implemented (i.e. getting out). She asked me then If I had a plan. I said that is the best way to make God laugh! We talked later that morning and I said we'd discuss it all while on vacation however I wanted to know where her head was. I said if you want me to leave, then ASK and see what happens. She said it had been bothering her lately.

 

She also wrote to me that she had not seen me really in two months and needed to find out if her "heart still fluttered" when she saw me. It seemed to be fluttering just fine when we had our last drink on May 8.

 

When we got to Florida on the 11th she asked almost as soon as we got there if I was ever going to leave my wife. All of this had come out of left field because she was always against me leaving fearing that I would go on the prowl and she would lose me. The situation in my home was very bad at times however to make that move was not on, especially as she was not any where near either it seemed.

 

I said, "is that what you want?" She said, "I don't know what I want." She said I look at the doctor and he's got the balls to do it (also he has no children by the way).

 

I asked her what was going on. "Is there another man?" She hesitated and said no. I presssed her. She said yes and it turned out to be her doctor who she had now told about me. She had not had sex with him, and I am sure of it however she had been spending more and more time with him. They'd gone for drinks. I guess the two of them opened up to each other. She is not one to hop into bed quickly so the sex is not a concern however she’d had “intellectual” sex in which she was becoming very close to this man. That was just as bad in my mind.

 

She told me that she wasn’t attracted to him the same way as she was with me. He had "little hands and little feet", she said. This lack of physical attraction was confirmed to me by one of her few friends who knew about me, the same one who asked her, “where’s this going?” This same friend always said that a man will return to his wife. My girlfriend said to her, "am I being shallow that this man (doctor) does not turn me on?" My girlfriend told me that he was always trying to "sell" her. And she didn't want to be sold. I asked her what attracted her to him. “He’s got a big heart”. Which means, I guess, that he was prepared to offer her money and other things, like visiting a time share in Hawaii.

 

I was not flush with money lately and she and her husband did ok and she was alway throwing her money at me which I gather had begun to bother her. I never asked her for anything and always wanted to pick up the tab, but for God's sake, a modern woman can participate, can she not?

 

I asked her if she were still in love with me. She said she was. She said she could not give me up and wouldn’t know how to. I told her she was going to have to make a decision. She didn’t understand why another man was suddenly capturing her interest and needed to understand what was going in our relationship. She told me that this doctor asked if she loved me and she said, “I do except sometimes when I am talking with you”.

 

She made a decision the next day, in my favour. She told me she loved me and was crazy about me. She asked me what my friend would say (the one who came into the bar with me that first night) if she asked him if I loved her and she sent him a message with the question: he confirmed I did. She then sent a text to her doctor with the decision who responded by saying that I would probably like him to disappear out of her life and that it is obvious that she still holds a “huge torch for me”. He also told her that he was not waiting for her and that would be going to a party that night where his friends were going to try to fix him up.

 

The next day at breakfast she was in a bad mood and I asked her what was wrong. She said, “I’m confused”. I finished my breakfast and went back to the room. I was not happy. She came back to the room about an hour later after doing some shopping. I told her that Sunday night at 7 pm when we got off the plane I was walking out of her life. I accused her of betraying me and I said I would send an email to doc congratulating him on the “win” (which I would not do). I was some angry at the way I had been treated. Actually then I said, no, I would not walk out of her life, and that she was going to have to tell me. I was not going to make it easy for her.

 

I said I was going to the beach. She said she needed an hour to have a blackberry exchange with the doctor. She came down and confirmed that he was not waiting for her back home. I suppose he would make no promises to her. How could he? To take up with a married woman, as he said, who has a boyfriend, and who has two small children. His friends told him to run the other way. There is no doubt that he was very physically attracted to her and sex would have been a prime motivator. He'd had affairs before.

 

I had now had a few drinks. She asked me what it was that attracted me to my wife. I said she’s got long beautiful legs. I said you’re shorter than most other woman I had been with (5’2”). I said this to her because I knew it was a hang-up of hers and I wanted to hurt her as she had now been hurting me. She said there were thngs about me that were different from men she’d known though she wouldn't say however even that weekend told me how beautiful I was and how she liked to see me naked. She in fact a couple of weeks earlier told me not to go skinny dipping because you look fantastic naked and I don’t want to share you.

 

We said some nasty things to each other.

 

That night –the last night was a disaster. We dressed for dinner. Our tradition was that I would always wait for her at the bar and watch her enter. We’d have a drink. The same bartender had been there for 4 years and always remembered us. She liked to throw a lot of money around in tips too. She was generous. She met me in the bar. Some guy was there who claimed to be from an Italian crime family. He decided that he would provide “marriage” counselling. He asked her: “if I leave my wife will you agree to be with him?” She hesitated for one moment and then shouted “yes”!

 

This guy tagged along for dinner at some sandwhich bar. We went back to the bar and we had a couple of more drinks and then it gets confusing. Somehow this guy ended up on our room. She blamed me for inviting him and I probably did but had had enough to drink to dull the pain of the day. He proceeded to undress and fall asleep on the bed. My girlfriend who thought we were going to the second floor finally showed up and this guy was on the bed. I said, “You’ve got to go”. He started getting nasty saying he was going to put a bullet through my head. He got on the phone and it sounded like he was calling people to the room. My girlfriend said that he’d been saying he wanted to sleep with her. I don't know why she didn't tell me this earlier. The two of us eventually ran from the room and we tried to find a room close by. She was scared and feeling unsafe. There were no rooms close by and we had to take a cab to a hotel that had rooms. On the way I realised my watch and passport were in the room. I decided to call the police at that moment but she asked me not to until we had a room. The dispatcher said the police would meet us a the hotel. I told her to forget the room. We went back to the hotel with the police, the guy was still in the room passed out. He was a vagrant who’d probably done this before. He was not crime boss. She said I had overuled her that night when she asked me not to call the police until se got a room.

 

My girlfriend was livid with me. She said she never ever wanted to see me again and she'd never said that to anyone before in my life. She's of Italian decent and I believed her. The next day was rough.

 

She said she never wanted to talk about that night again. Ever. She wrote to me and told me that it was time to move on; that I had to let her go. That she was not ready to go the next step (i.e. leaving her house), did not want me to leave my wife, said if there were no kids involved things might be different; that she’s not sure even if I had a stellar business year it would make a difference to her that she didn’t “have it” anymore and we were through. She also said when I commented on the Doctor , “don’t you get it: he’s done; he’s gone. He doesn’t want or need this **** and I don’t blame him. I am not leaving you for another and that’s probably why you are so upset”. She said she was going to focus on her family and that she would move out someday, but not right now and not with anyone else. She'd do it alone.

 

3.5 years later this woman, with whom I was so in love, as was she with me has gone cold turkey and it is killing me. Even though there was no wild heat when we got together anymore I was in love with her and am smart enough to know that heat doesn’t last forever. The woman who wrote to me before leaving for the airport for our last trip “Please don’t break my heart” has officially dumped me. Her friend said I should not give up on her and that she thinks she still has feelings for me but I have given up. I will not grovel and I am not sure even if she did come back I would be willing to make the next step because I fear it would be a huge mistake.

 

I believe her when she says her doctor is gone, but I think there is always the risk of another doctor around the corner.

 

I needed to get this out as I am losing weight and my alcohol consumption is rising. I think this woman may have been the love of my life and it is killing me, notwithstanding all the reasons it needs to end. I miss her so much.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Ronni_W]

offset,

Hugs. I'm sorry that you're going through this. No matter the 'back stories', it will be difficult to recover from it.

I'd suggest you seek the help of a counselor who specialized in loss/grief. Because of circumstances, a professional may be best suited to give you the compassionate support that you deserve, and the objective counsel that you need.

 

Sending Comfort, Strength and Wisdom.

[offset_man]

Hello there,

 

I really appreciate your support. I saw a counsellor yesterday who basically let me talk. There was no advice. I am trying to get on with my life and will try to resurrect my marriage with my wife, who has been loyal and is in most ways the perfect partner. I think time will heal but it is a big wound.

[Ronni_W]

Yeah, it's tough. I wouldn't recommend waiting for "time" to do your healing for you, though. You have to take concrete steps to do that for yourself.

 

A question you could ask yourself is: If there had been some type of advice, what would you have wanted it to be? That is, what do you need to hear, as far as "advice"?

 

Marriagebuilders.com has some good articles and questionnaires that may offer some insight into some of it. There is also a section on infidelity that may or may not help you understand/deal with yours.

 

I appreciate that you're dealing with two very different sets of thoughts and emotions -- your deep loss, on the one hand; and facing the challenge of repairing your marriage, on the other.

With determination and luck, your continued counseling will bring some relief and clarity.

[Thomas X Forever]

This is ridiculous. I pray you aren't foolish enough to truly expect any sympathy after what you've done to your wife for so long. Let's get that out of the way. You ****ed up badly.

 

Now, once you accept that and hate yourself for it, that's when you can begin to heal and make amends. You don't need to hate yourself forever, but you need to hate yourself to begin to heal from this. You made a huge mistake.

 

Now, to make things even more simple.

 

You don't want to be with someone who cheats. Even if you yourself cheats.

 

The end.

[offset_man]

Hi thomas -you are right. Live by the sword and die by it. I am a cheater and need to come to terms with it; as is she. As will she be again, and agian and again....

 

No question.

[Thomas X Forever]

You are intelligent. I told you exactly what you needed to hear, and although it was harsh, you took it correctly. This is something you can hold onto.

[offset_man]

Ronni

 

I am not sure what advice I would like to hear. I suppose the one thing that I think I'd like to hear is -this woman is probably still in love with you and you need to do this to get her back. Even if I did hear that advise I would probably say, "you know what?......naaaahhhhh" Done. But it is the sense of loss that even we cheaters who are human feel.

I did check out the marriage builder's site by the way and there is no question that I was unable to meet my girlfirends emotional needs from a distance. Someone else stepped up to the plate and fulfilled an important need which may have been just the need for conversation. Sharing. That is something that I have been unable to do and you can only do so much by email and telephone. Looking into someone elses eyes who is empathising with you is powerful. I couldn't do that, so she "moved" on. My wish to get back at her and hurt her did not help the situation.

BTW I am just west of Toronto. All the best and thanks for a little compassion to a weak human.

[offset_man]

Thomas -no doubt the world will unfold as it should.

 

I am getting over it and the sense of losing her is becoming less and less painful when I look at what I would have faced had we gone the next step -my children that will hate me; a woman that is really not fully going to be able to satisfy all my emotional needs; lonely nights and weekends, financial stress; and the likelihood that she will continue to be seduced by those who will be able to satisfy needs that she feels I cannot and on and on and on......

[Lyssa]

I am trying to get on with my life and will try to resurrect my marriage with my wife, who has been loyal and is in most ways the perfect partner. I think time will heal but it is a big wound.

 

That's a good start, offset_man. Resurrect your marriage and see how you can fix yourself as a husband - how to be a better one to your loyal wife. It isn't too late to start.

 

I really hope you will find it in you to fix it and get over the OW.

[offset_man]

Thanks. I will try to rebuild. I think that one of the things lacking in my marriage has been sex and this department needs work -from her and me.

[GirlBytheOcean219]

on a positive note, you could write a sitcom about all this

[offset_man]

Yes -I think it's a great story. Some bum threatening to throw me off the balcony of MY hotel room after he puts a bullet through my head. I can see it all now. Make a million. Perhaps Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller?

[Lyssa]

Yes -I think it's a great story. Some bum threatening to throw me off the balcony of MY hotel room after he puts a bullet through my head. I can see it all now. Make a million. Perhaps Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller?

 

Nahhh they are over-rated

[Ronni_W]

I suppose the one thing that I think I'd like to hear is -this woman is probably still in love with you and you need to do this to get her back.

If you heard that, would you believe it? Because it really doesn't sound like that is the truth, does it? Much as it may hurt to acknowledge and accept, it really does sound as if she is already on to the next one.

 

The most important piece is this: It is time to put your energy and efforts in how you can best meet YOUR WIFE'S emotional needs, as well as your own.

If you honestly and genuinely want to resurrect your marriage, your mindset and perspective do need to shift to sharing and empathizing with your wife, yes?

 

I'm in Scarborough side of town. When you get 'private message' privileges here, PM me, we'll go for beer and wings, commiserate over your lost love, and celebrate how your marriage is growing stronger. Sound like a plan?

[offset_man]

Yes -I would like that. I am in town frequently. Used to live in the big smoke. How do I get private message privelages?

[Ronni_W]

How do I get private message privelages?

You get immediate access if you become a supporting/paid member. Otherwise, it's some combination of length of membership and number of posts -- just my observation but looks like somewhere in the neighbourhood of 3 months and/or around 70 posts. Far as I'm aware, the specifics remain a mystery of life in this place called 'LS'.

 

If/when, do feel free, though -- keeping in mind that we're ALSO going to be celebrating how your marriage is getting stronger, right?

[offset_man]

Indeed. That will be the celebration. Was there some other motive you think I might have?

[Ronni_W]

We're not JUST going to be commiserating your lost love, is what I meant. We're ALSO going to be celebrating that you've started to work on resurrecting your marriage.

(I was reminding you that you need to start working on saving your marriage.)

 

<WHEW!> Did that clear it up?

[offset_man]

I understand. You seem to be very knowledgeable and intelligent and it would be lovely to talk with you. Over wings and beer. I know of a decent pub on kingston road. Feathers. Maybe you do too? I have sent you a private message.

[2sunny]

3.5 years you did this to your wife and you expect us to feel bad that you are now in pain? how about some consideration that you have given your wife half a man in your marriage?

 

time to figure out where the other half is and how to get him to participate by being a loyal, loving partner with integrity.

 

if you aren't capable of that - then leave your wife to allow her the luxury of finding a MAN that will honor and respect her the way she deserves.

[2sunny]

and why is this in the break up section? do you not realize that this is infidelity material? or at least the OM/OW forum would seem more appropriate...

 

get real... admit even to yourself the facts of what you're dealing with here... this is not material for the break up forum.

[offset_man]

Yes. Agree with everything you say. Sorry that I got this in the wrong secton. I suppose she and I felt like we were married and we have had a break up. I am not much of a MAN, as you say.

[2sunny]

Yes. Agree with everything you say. Sorry that I got this in the wrong secton. I suppose she and I felt like we were married and we have had a break up. I am not much of a MAN, as you say.

 

even then it would be in the separation/divorce section.

 

maybe it's time to cut your wife loose... let her find someone who will be faithful... yes?

 

i am not trying to be harsh or mean - just real. the way you typed the whole story never even gave your wife a second thought... makes me believe it would be best for the marriage.

 

that coupled with all the time and energy you spent on the OW and your W never noticed that you were at best - absent? tell me how this happens in a marriage... i don't remember my marriage that way at all... i wanted my time with him - i wanted him to be "present" when he was with me. how would your wife not notice that you were at least "distracted and absent?"

[offset_man]

My wife has noticed that I have been "absent" for years. If you re-reread what I wrote I believe all the things I found lacking in the OW are available in my wife. She is smart, she is a "leader", she is stylsh, she is able to fit into any group and people like her alot. People like the OW alot too -don't get me wrong.

 

There are things that drive men from their marriages and one of the first is a lack of sex. Sorry to be so crude, but that is reality. When the children came it pretty much went away. I was driven to find the passion that we once had from others, who were more than happy to oblige.

 

I am sorry if I come across as callous but I am still with my wife because no matter how we fight I find her my "almost" perfect companion.

 

I am not guiltless however I am not going to be made to feel guilt for having had a steamy affair with this OW. I was playing with fire and now I am burned from it and I need to move on, as I am doing.