clv0116 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 "How can you not look at that and immediately see the answer? It requires no thought. It's the same as 28 - 21 and slapping a negative sign on it." Maybe she's just not good at math. It happens.
Kamille Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I might be projecting here, but you sound like you're looking for "outs". I do that. I tend to be overly critical of my partners because I want to make sure I always have one foot out the door. I've improved a lot since my first few boyfriends, but I still tend to do that. One minor detail will make me question the whole relationship. And I wonder why my exes were insecure... Obviously, it's not a healthy or very generous way to approach relationships.
butcher's hook Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 The result of all this is that I've lost a lot of respect for her intelligence. She's pretty, but now that's all I see: A pretty face and no mind behind it. Every time I think about her I just imagine a useless husk of a human being painting itself all day with makeup but lending nothing to society. How could I ever lean on her for support, or trust in her judgment, or have confidence in her abilities and intellect if she can't do something so simple? Wow that's a bit harsh considering this was her only offense. (was it?) It could be her dumb a$$ way of using an excuse to contact you to flirt with you or ask you for "help". You will grow out of being so overly critical, and learn to look at the bigger picture. Is she kind, is she good to you, is she attentive and respectful of you? Much more more important qualities to get hung up on. Every one is stupid and smart in their own way. Don't forget that. If she asks you something she should know the answer to, test her back ask her if she was not taught subtraction of negative numbers in school? See what she says, if she consistently shows no regards for things that are basic and this is a real point of contention for you then move on. Some people just hate math.
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Actually, it's refreshing to see a guy who cares about what is INSIDE a gal's head. But don't be so hard on her. Just because she's not relationship material for you doesn't me she couldn't be a good friend, even if the bulb's not too bright. I agree, while it's perfectly fine to value basic intelligence in a dating partner, not all your friends need be smart, do they? My assistant scared the crapola out of me the other day, when she told me she didn't know Amsterdam was in Europe. I told her it was in the Netherlands, aka Holland, which is next t Brussels and Germany. She then told me she didn't think Germany was in Europe, and that she thought Europe was its own country. While I adore her, and think she's great at what she does for me, if I were a man, I could never date her (and she's very attractive).
butcher's hook Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I might be projecting here, but you sound like you're looking for "outs". I agree. Sounds like a build up of other things and this example is the scapegoat.
Author Eleventy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 OP - How old are you??? I am 22 years old.
carhill Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 carhill: Which positive traits do you find to be common/rare? Which negative traits do you find to be common/rare? IME, and you must remember these women are your mother's age.... Common Positive: Clear communication, even if negative Comfortable in their own skin; fewer image issues Know what they want from men and seek it out (even if it's unhealthy), both emotionally and sexually. Rare Positive: Noted in my response to your post. Open hearted, or, as my best friend says, in reference to his wife, "wears her heart on her sleeve". The kind of woman you always want to be around because she brings light into your life. Common negative: Emotionally neutral, though not necessarily distant. Cautiousness, to the extent of unhealthiness, IMO. I call it 'hardening of the heart'. Repressed anger, sometimes directed at others rather than its impetus. Rare negative: Emotional instability Poor intelligence and life skills Substance abuse Those are the aspects most relevant to me gained from experiences with my wife, female friends and marital friends over the last 10-15 years. Everyone's experiences and parameters will differ. You have to figure out what is important to you. IME, to have long-lasting relationships, acceptance is key, along with having healthy personal boundaries. I've been in your shoes, felt that frustration. It isn't about her, it's about how you react to her. You own that. If there is no balance and you feel the dynamic is unhealthy for you, you express that and move on. Same goes for her. Trust me, neither you nor I are perfect; not even close
dreamergrl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I am 22 years old. Well first of all, maybe you should date a bit older. She's 17, in high school, you are not. I don't see this is a bad thing generally, but if you want a high intellect, why not date someone in college or what not? She may be at a very different maturity level then you. Or like someone else said, she could be playing dumb, or just hates math. Second of all, I really hope you find the maturity level to not just go and deem someone stupid because they aren't bright in the areas you are. I'm sure many people are smarter then you in many things. I doubt you'd want to be deemed stupid.
Author Eleventy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 And I guess I am, in a way, trying to keep a foot out the door. I've had bad relationships in the past and so I don't want to commit to something I know isn't going to work out for me. The problem is that I think I've become oversensitive to the notion. In this case, she's a great girl. I've dated plenty of girls, and although the age gap may be a *bit* big for our ages, she's amazingly sweet and more empathetic and loving than any other girls I've met. She isn't the most analytical person out there, no. But she is very good with art and occasionally she will come back at me with a witty quip that makes me smile. We have fun talking to one another, and we have very similar interests. It's just that I worry what implications may lie in one's inability to do something that (in my opinion) is so basic that nearly anyone could solve it.
dreamergrl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 It's just that I worry what implications may lie in one's inability to do something that (in my opinion) is so basic that nearly anyone could solve it. Get over it.
carhill Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Get over it. Blunt but very good advice. OP, pay attention here....
Author Eleventy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 dreamergrl: This is why I worry that I am being too harsh. I went to a well-known, good school where everyone is very intelligent. However, as I have learned, dating academically-bright women with critical personality/compatibility flaws don't make for good relationships. And I am certain people are smarter than me in many things, no question about that. But this is not a matter of me being "intelligent" or whatever -- it's a matter of someone having trouble with something that I think *anyone* would know how to solve. However, I don't want to write her off, but I worry about the implications and wish I didn't. Has anyone ever accepted someone with a similar flaw and had things turn out fine, otherwise?
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Get over it. Why should he? I mean, really. Why? She spent more time asking him a basic mathmatical question than it would have taken her to use the tools she has to figure it out for herself. She sounds lazy, and not just intellectually, as though she expects others to do things for her. OP, is she "spoiled"?
Author Eleventy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 carhill: I was curious about your answer to this, I pasted it earlier in this thread: Which positive traits do you find to be common/rare? Which negative traits do you find to be common/rare?
Author Eleventy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Star Gazer: Yes, her parents give her a pretty decent life materialistically, but she's trying to find work and has a few interviews lined up.
butcher's hook Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 You see, she has strengths in other areas. Perhaps areas that you are not so strong in. A lot of artistic people simply might hate math. I am one of them, but I do very well in math I still hate it and have 0 interest/patience for it unless it involves my personal finances. If she has shown you so many great qualities which is what you just described I think you are being a bit extreme in getting hung up on something as silly as that math question. Is she generally and imbecile? What else has she done to tunr you off aside from that? There must be something more...
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Here's the thing: there's absolutely nothing wrong with valuing intelligence and requiring it in a partner. Nothing. That's your preference. If she doesn't meet your requirements, there's nothing wrong with moving on. Nothing. Just as there would be nothing wrong with her requiring someone who's creative-minded, and appreciates art. If you don't, there'd be nothing wrong with her moving on either. You're not going to be compatible with everyone you meet and find attractive and fun.
dreamergrl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Why should he? I mean, really. Why? She spent more time asking him a basic mathmatical question than it would have taken her to use the tools she has to figure it out for herself. She sounds lazy, and not just intellectually, as though she expects others to do things for her. OP, is she "spoiled"? If he wants to date her, then move past it. If he doesn't want to move past it, then dump her. She's 17 - she hasn't had the same experiences as OP. I remember being at that age, and doing stupid things and asking stupid questions to get attention. If he's going to date someone who's still in high school, then he has to accept what comes with it.
Author Eleventy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 You see, she has strengths in other areas. Perhaps areas that you are not so strong in. A lot of artistic people simply might hate math. I am one of them, but I do very well in math I still hate it and have 0 interest/patience for it unless it involves my personal finances. If she has shown you so many great qualities which is what you just described I think you are being a bit extreme in getting hung up on something as silly as that math question. Is she generally and imbecile? What else has she done to tunr you off aside from that? There must be something more... Well I am an artist as well (one of our common interests), but she is certainly better than me when it comes to art. I am very analytical/mathematical in nature (I attended a business school). I don't *think* she's an imbecile or anything, but it may be too early to tell? I've only known her for maybe a month. I got the impression that she was a tad spoiled and perhaps immature when it came to anger (she tends to get a bit short with people who make a joke at her expense), but she never said anything that I felt was an indicator that she was mentally incompetent until this math thing.
dreamergrl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 dreamergrl: This is why I worry that I am being too harsh. I went to a well-known, good school where everyone is very intelligent. However, as I have learned, dating academically-bright women with critical personality/compatibility flaws don't make for good relationships. And I am certain people are smarter than me in many things, no question about that. But this is not a matter of me being "intelligent" or whatever -- it's a matter of someone having trouble with something that I think *anyone* would know how to solve. However, I don't want to write her off, but I worry about the implications and wish I didn't. Has anyone ever accepted someone with a similar flaw and had things turn out fine, otherwise? If you don't want to write her off, then you have to accept her for who she is. You can't force someone to be how you want them to be. If you do, you'll be molding her, and she wont be her any longer. Star Gazer: Yes, her parents give her a pretty decent life materialistically, but she's trying to find work and has a few interviews lined up. So she's lazy because she's been provided for, but she's obviously trying to be more independent. You see, she has strengths in other areas. Perhaps areas that you are not so strong in. A lot of artistic people simply might hate math. I am one of them, but I do very well in math I still hate it and have 0 interest/patience for it unless it involves my personal finances. If she has shown you so many great qualities which is what you just described I think you are being a bit extreme in getting hung up on something as silly as that math question. Is she generally and imbecile? What else has she done to tunr you off aside from that? There must be something more... I agree with this 100% Here's the thing: there's absolutely nothing wrong with valuing intelligence and requiring it in a partner. Nothing. That's your preference. If she doesn't meet your requirements, there's nothing wrong with moving on. Nothing. Just as there would be nothing wrong with her requiring someone who's creative-minded, and appreciates art. If you don't, there'd be nothing wrong with her moving on either. You're not going to be compatible with everyone you meet and find attractive and fun. I don't think there is anything wrong with valuing intelligence at all. But I think it's wrong for him to come down on her if he doesn't want to write her off. I also think her being 17 and him being 22 have much to do with it.
Author Eleventy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 dreamergrl: Thing is, everything else is great. "Accepting what comes with high schoolers" was definitely something I did. However, not being able to do a simple math problem does not usually come with that territory, hence my concern. Maybe if I asked the question to a 2nd grader and they couldn't get it, I wouldn't be so harsh. But a senior in high school? It baffles me because she's apparently quite involved at her school (primarily art-related things), although I don't know how she does academically.
butcher's hook Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I don't *think* she's an imbecile or anything, but it may be too early to tell? I've only known her for maybe a month. I got the impression that she was a tad spoiled and perhaps immature when it came to anger (she tends to get a bit short with people who make a joke at her expense), but she never said anything that I felt was an indicator that she was mentally incompetent until this math thing. Ok here we go, now we are talking!! These are the real issues that are weighing you down. The math thing is a scapegoat as I mentioned earlier. A reason to take a harder look at the real things that are pulling at your insinticts.
dreamergrl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Well I am an artist as well (one of our common interests), but she is certainly better than me when it comes to art. I am very analytical/mathematical in nature (I attended a business school). I don't *think* she's an imbecile or anything, but it may be too early to tell? I've only known her for maybe a month. I got the impression that she was a tad spoiled and perhaps immature when it came to anger (she tends to get a bit short with people who make a joke at her expense), but she never said anything that I felt was an indicator that she was mentally incompetent until this math thing. So one time she asked you something about a math problem. I think this has more to do with her maturity level next to yours.
Kamille Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Well assuming she got through school up to this point, I don't think she is mentally incompetent. She obviously has what it takes to get by. It's too bad you report she doesn't take criticism well, because I think the best way to diffuse this is humor. I would buy her a calculator, put a bow on it with a funny note on it. You've only known her one month... Why the need to decide an all or nothing now?
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