Dealing With Past Behavior

[no shirt]

I am newly separated after 27 years of marriage. I met a wonderful woman through a dating service and have been with her for eight months. She was married for 17 years and had a kinky sexual relationship with her ex. I have no problem with that, even though it is not my thing. He did abuse her verbally though and that is what caused the split.

 

 

 

 

 

I am living with her now and recently found some incredibly vile photos of her ex-husband naked, maturbating and having sex with a blow up doll. The pictures were taken in her new home, after the split. I did confront her and she said she merely dressed up for him in a sexy outfit, but did not have physical sex with him. She also said that alcohol was involved and she needed attention.

 

 

 

 

I care deeply about her but want to make sure I know her. I suspect she charged him for sexual favors after the split. I also suspect that she enjoyed teasing him even after he abused her. She is a self-defense expert and certainly doesn't fear him physically.

 

 

 

It only bothers me because she said she fought so hard to get away from him, purchase a new home, and then invited him over for what I consider to be disgusting behavior.

 

Please help me to understand.

[blair08]

Since there was abuse there, and they both seem to have been into some kinky stuff, then perhaps she is still partly dependent on him. Like an addiction or obsession maybe?

[no shirt]

Thanks for your response. This may sound incredibly naive, but I don't think she was into it at all. She thought she was being a good wife and meeting his needs. He is heavily into internet porn.

 

She says that she loves the initimacy we have that was lacking in her life. I do feel uncomfortable asking her to do anything outside the norm fearing it may remind her of the past. It could be worse I know.

[Bryanp]

Let see what we have here:

1. The Ex goes over to her new home after the split.

2. She dresses up in a highly sexual outfit to please him.

3. Alcohol was involved

4. She said she needed attention

5. She claims there was nothing physical?

What is wrong with this picture?

[bean1]

So you were married for 27 years, I would wage you are somewhere in the 45-60 year old range?

 

You are old enough to know that if it doesn't make sense, it is not true.

 

She is either lying or emotionally unstable. After 27 years, do you want to get involved with someone who is either a liar or emotionally unstable? Talk about jumping out of the pan and into the fire.

[no shirt]

Thanks. I agree that it doesn't make sense, that's why I'm asking for advice. I've seen many things in my life but nothing quite this strange.

[JamesM]

"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....."

 

Many of us have these gut feelings yet we choose to ignore them because we don't WANT them to be true.

 

It is entirely possible that what she says is true. It is also entirely possible that it is not.

 

What is at stake here is...trust.

 

Do you trust her?

 

If yes, then you should believe her. Unless she has shown actions that prove her to be a liar, then her word should be accepted as she says.

 

If you doubt her, then IMO you should seek out another person with who to spend your time. If she has shown that she can lie to you and defend her lie, then the future does not look good.

 

You have a choice to make.

 

BTW, if he has that much control over her that he can get her to act sexually with him, then you have a problem that will not end overnight. If she has a problem staying away from him for whatever reason, then her marriage is not over except on paper. This means you still have a problem that will remain for quite some time.

[jnj express]

she has a past you have to deal with it if you are going to have a relationship with her----talk it out and maybe both of you set some mutual boundaries