Husband forgives me...do I want him to?

[boldjack]

VW, As a former "serial cheater", believe me , you don't qualify. But as a dishonest person, you're right up there. This situation is about as bad as it gets. On one hand you have a cheating, lying wife and on the other hand you have a passive-agressive weakling. Neither of you are blameless, but both of you are deserving of compassion. There really isn't any way to salvage this marriage, IMO. If both of you have money, then my suggestion would be for you to divorce and each of you face your demons, by yourselves. BOTH of you need therapy in a big way, and I hope that you will do your best to get it. But what ever you do, your destructive behavior needs to end.

[Owl]

VW, As a former "serial cheater", believe me , you don't qualify. But as a dishonest person, you're right up there. This situation is about as bad as it gets. On one hand you have a cheating, lying wife and on the other hand you have a passive-agressive weakling. Neither of you are blameless, but both of you are deserving of compassion. There really isn't any way to salvage this marriage, IMO. If both of you have money, then my suggestion would be for you to divorce and each of you face your demons, by yourselves. BOTH of you need therapy in a big way, and I hope that you will do your best to get it. But what ever you do, your destructive behavior needs to end.

 

Excellent post, Bold...couldn't agree more all the way around.

[Dexter Morgan]

If he was financially well-off even when he has not held a job long enough (inheritance?) then he must be able to afford his own medical care, right?

 

exactly! he can take care of himself, and she should do for him what he doesn't have the guts to do himself...file for divorce.

 

he will get back on his feet, VW said herself he is more than capable of supporting himself, he can get a job with benefits. he will be fine and will be better off without a cheater.

 

he then will wonder why he was such a fool to think about drinking himself to death and will realize she just isn't worth it.

 

 

 

His choices are his choices. It is profoundly sad but he is his own person.

 

like you care

[viennawaits]

OK, have made a mess of things. Fell in love with OM, got dumped because I couldn't bring myself to leave H. Something held me back. I deserve all of that and it is ok. I am trying to figure out now if I can fall in love with my husband again. He is off the drinking. He says he wants it to work. I am not sure if I can rekindle things, even though I do love him very deeply. So, for now I am in counseling with my H, have no contact with OM and am trying to straighten out the thoughts in my head.

My goal is to either be a good wife to my husband or to get out. I am not playing both sides anymore. I am done with that. If I can't give him all of me or I feel that I may hurt him again, I will simply have to walk away.

I believe I am in a much better place than a few months ago. Not quite a great place, but a better one. What do all of you have to say about reigniting a relationship that has gone a long time without so much as a spark? I am not repulsed by him, but he is so much more my friend than my lover at this point. I do still have thoughts of OM, but am working on that. Any advice?

[Dexter Morgan]

well if it seems you can't make up your mind, and are thinking about leaving or cheating again, then just do the poor guy a favor and divorce him. he may drink again, but he will soon realize its not worth it. Because you are doing him no favors by staying with him if you'd rather have another man.

[viennawaits]

I am not thinking of leaving or cheating. If I can repair my marriage and have fulfillment (physically, emotionally), then I will be true to my husband, just as I was for many years before our problems started. I refuse to hurt him in that way again. I either make a go of it, or I get out. The question was about rekindling romance and sexual attraction, especially after the affair. If you have something to say about that, please share.

[bentnotbroken]

That depends on you and your thoughts about him. IF all you are going to do is hold on to his past, then the answer is no. I am of the belief that one can't resuscitate the dead. But you two can build a new relationship on a solid foundation of trust, respect and honesty. Starting from scratch. Dating, doing fun things together, discussing your hopes and dreams...as well as your fears. In short develop an intimate relationship.

[FreezorBurn]

Wow, Best of luck. If you divorce and marry the new guy the ODDS are against that ever working out.

 

You also should not stay in a sexless marriage. Tell your existing husband you need sex and maybe he will agrea to have a man hoe come by once a week to fill your needs???

 

Your in a tough spot, stay married and ask for permission to get a good hard drilling.

[boldjack]

VW, I think that with your history, you are going to find it really tough sledding to rekindle anything like a good marriage from what has , up till now been an emotional train-wreck. If you are to have any chance at all, you should listen to people like BNB, and start behaving just like you were entering a brand-new relationship. No lies, no secrets, no bringing up the past, for both of you. Try to find things in your Husband, that are attractive/sexy to you, be there for each other emotionally and above all COMMUNICATE!!

[viennawaits]

Thanks for all of the comments (except the one about the man hoe).

There are many things I love about my husband or I would not have stayed with him through alcoholism and 7 years of sexless marriage. I hope that I can develop those feelings for him again and will take the advice. On his side, we talked to the counselor about his drinking, his failure to be proactive about his health and his life in general. He is working on things and I am working on things. Emotionally, right now, I feel pretty drained. We are, however, talking a lot and are on the way to trust again. I have flat out promised him that I will not cheat. If we cannot solve this, I will leave before that happens. I am checking in with him and not being secretive. The only thing I have asked is that he not read emails to my personal friends. I have to have some sort of confidante in all of this. Otherwise, he has free reign to know who I call/email. Once again I am on my way out for a business trip. I do think this is a good thing. We have been sleeping, eating and breathing this for a while. I have meetings for a week, then see my family and turn around to go work again the next week. So there will be 3 weeks where we can have email and phone conversations and continue to talk about things but it is not so constantly in our face.

We are all human. I made mistakes. I am trying to piece my life back together the best way I know how. I love him enough to give this an honest try and I love him and respect him enough to get out if that doesn't work. I take full responsibility for what I have done. Dating would be a good way to look at it. Last night we played pool, which is one of the things we enjoyed doing together years ago. I'm sure we'll continue that. Hopefully something will spark the spark. I cannot imagine that if I had been intimate with him for all of those years that I would have ever cheated. Ever. I've just gotta get back to that place.

[Dexter Morgan]

Everyone already knows what Dexter thinks

ya, well I'm telling you again.

[lkjh]

you can not rebuild a marriage based off lies. You didn't just cheat with one OM, you had multiple. If you can't come clean then you are robbing your H of honesty and in that case you should just divorce your H

[viennawaits]

My God! How miserable are you? With all my faults and problems, I still manage more happiness than you do in your sad, trolling life.

 

$hit happens. It happens to all of us. If you can't get over it, you will never, ever be happy. Get the hell away from my posts. I am here to learn something and get useful advice. I do not need any advice that you have to offer.

 

Get a life.

[viennawaits]

I realize that my post was not specific enough. If I leave my husband, it is not for OM. He is no longer in my life. Period. Secondly, I am being honest with my husband, we are in counseling and working through the multiple issues in our marriage. The infidelity is not the only issue. I remained faithful to this man for years without any problems. If you believe people are incapable of making positive life changes, then this is not a post that you probably want to concern yourself with. I do intend to change things for the better. If you just want to lash out based on your personal experience, I would prefer not hearing it. To make any progress, I have to go forward with the belief that:

 

a. I am not a worthless piece of crap, and deserve to be happy

b. My husband deserves my love and respect and to be happy

c. I cannot continue to lie to him

d. Some people actually manage to repair their marriage after an affair

 

If I don't believe any of the above, then I am wasting my time. I do, however, believe those things. If you need a punching bag, go elsewhere. What about what I said implies that I am attempting to build the relationships upon lies?

[Snowflower]

I realize that my post was not specific enough. If I leave my husband, it is not for OM. He is no longer in my life. Period. Secondly, I am being honest with my husband, we are in counseling and working through the multiple issues in our marriage. The infidelity is not the only issue. I remained faithful to this man for years without any problems. If you believe people are incapable of making positive life changes, then this is not a post that you probably want to concern yourself with. I do intend to change things for the better. If you just want to lash out based on your personal experience, I would prefer not hearing it. To make any progress, I have to go forward with the belief that:

 

a. I am not a worthless piece of crap, and deserve to be happy

b. My husband deserves my love and respect and to be happy

c. I cannot continue to lie to him

d. Some people actually manage to repair their marriage after an affair

 

If I don't believe any of the above, then I am wasting my time. I do, however, believe those things. If you need a punching bag, go elsewhere. What about what I said implies that I am attempting to build the relationships upon lies?

 

vienna, I haven't read your entire thread but I know how sometimes the others project their experiences onto yours and try to make themselves feel better about their own situation. Sometimes I think it 'hurts' some LS members here to see a fWW such as yourself try to work through your own issues when perhaps they wish their own WW would have done the same introspection.

 

There is good advice here to be had--this forum was an absolute lifesaver for me as I worked through my H infidelity. I had no one IRL who could understand what I was going through. That being said, I was also told in so many words that I was 'stupid' or 'naive' for trying to believe in my H again.

 

So, I know how it feels to be put down even when you are trying, to the best of your ability, to improve your situation within YOUR marraige.

 

To address your points above...

1. No you are not a worthless piece of crap and you deserve happiness-everyone deserves this and none of us are pieces of crap-we are just trying to make our way through life and take some wrong turns sometimes. Shortly after we reconciled, I witnessed my H doing something nice for someone professionally. Kind of a 'good samaritan' moment for him. I told him that he was a good man. I think he took those words to heart because he felt like crap for what he had done to me/our marriage.

 

2. Yes, your husband deserves your love and respect and to be happy...like I said, I haven't read all your posts. Do you want to build a newer, stronger, happier marriage with your husband?

 

3. Have you stopped lying to your H? Again, I don't know your whole story.

 

4. Yes, it is possible to repair-I prefer the word build- a marriage after an affair. My H and I are living proof of this. I'm not saying it to gloat and I don't have my head buried in the sand and we didn't sweep the issue under the rug. The near-loss of our marriage woke my H and I both up to what truly is important in life.

 

Hang in there, vienna. I think the ones who are the most 'harsh' with you are the ones who are the most unhappy with how their own situations turned out. Conversely, I'm happy with how my marriage has turned out so I have no need to be angry here.

 

Take care and keep posting. You might consider trying the 'other forum' for a more balanced perspective.

[lkjh]

I realize that my post was not specific enough. If I leave my husband, it is not for OM. He is no longer in my life. Period. Secondly, I am being honest with my husband, we are in counseling and working through the multiple issues in our marriage. The infidelity is not the only issue. I remained faithful to this man for years without any problems. If you believe people are incapable of making positive life changes, then this is not a post that you probably want to concern yourself with. I do intend to change things for the better. If you just want to lash out based on your personal experience, I would prefer not hearing it. To make any progress, I have to go forward with the belief that:

 

a. I am not a worthless piece of crap, and deserve to be happy

b. My husband deserves my love and respect and to be happy

c. I cannot continue to lie to him

d. Some people actually manage to repair their marriage after an affair

 

If I don't believe any of the above, then I am wasting my time. I do, however, believe those things. If you need a punching bag, go elsewhere. What about what I said implies that I am attempting to build the relationships upon lies?

 

I might have mis-read something but didn't you also have a couple other affairs that you never told your H about. The reason I ask is because you can not pick and choose what you want to be honest about

[boldjack]

As a former cheater, I wish you the best, VW. I hope that you can be one of the few, who can re-connect with their spouses on all levels. WE all have done evil, horrible things in our lives. Learn from this and be completely honest, and you will come out of this mess a better person, than when you started. Good Luck

[viennawaits]

Thanks, boldjack. I will do my best. That is the best I can do.

 

As for the honesty, he hasn't asked that question, but if he does, I will answer it honestly. We have plenty out there to talk about as it is. I have not been lying to him, but there are limits to how much we can handle at any one session. I do not believe I am wrong to let things unfurl honestly in the setting of the counseling and more controlled situations for now. Mostly, we are talking about the underlying issues that led us here rather than the current mess, but we are talking about everything honestly at this point.