lexi29 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 My fiance's son turns 10 today. Normally every year he has a birthday party for him and invites his family and his son's friends. Where they used to live (for years) they had a pool so they'd either have a pool party or a water battle for the kids. Last year my fiance spent $200 on food and games and prizes and decorations for his son's birthday party which was held at a local park. His whole class and friends that he played with who also lived in town were invited. Only a few of his cousins and four kids from his class showed up. So this year, my fiance decided a party wasnt' a good idea because we live farther away and no kids from school and only a few of his cousins would show up. So we decided to make the day all about him and take him somewhere this weekend instead. We were thinking about an amusement park, or to take him to the lake to go swimming etc. We got him a present (a new tv and dvd player (just one of the cheap dvd players) for his bedroom.) I think he'll be surprised and really like his gifts. My fiance is also buying him an icecream cake and taking him out to dinner (his choice) today. My fiance just told me last night that our plans of taking him out this weekend are probably cancelled because he bought a small boat a few weeks ago and has been working on it and it he's buying a lot of stuff for it and apparently (he didn't say this but thats how I interpret it) the boat is more important to spend money on than his son's birthday. He has over four thousand dollars in his savings account so it is not like he can't afford it. He had asked his son where he wanted to go for his birthday and his son said Chuckee Cheese. I took him there last year (not for his birthday) and a friend and it was boring (I thought) The majority of the building was seating, there were no rides he could fit on (for little babies) and the games were just about winning tickets and you won one ticket per token most of the time. At the end you exchanged your tickets for a prize. We were there maybe two hours and he had about 400 tickets and you needed about a thousand to get a prize worth $5. He liked it but it didnt' take up much of the day and he pretty much forgot about it a few hours later. So my fiance and I decided to take him to this sports complex. They have go karts and mini golf and other outdoor stuff and also an arcade. So we think he'd love that. Yes, it will probably cost about $80 for the day but you can easily spend that at chuckee cheese with a few kids. The other problem is that his son's mother told their son she'd received an email from Chuckee cheese for 100 free tokens and that he should ask his dad to take him there. We told him to ask his mother since she had the email. Last year she bought him a present, some years she does nothing for his birthday. Well this past weekend was HER weekend and she knew it was his birthday and guess what- she did nothing. No card, no special dinner, no gift, no Chuckee Cheese, NOTHING. Really upset me and my fiance is ticked off. how can you not even tell your own child happy birthday and bake him a cake? Because of his mother's attitude my fiance feels that we are doing enough for him just by giving him his presents and getting a cake and taking him to dinner. If he was 13 or older, I'd say definately. But the kid is only 10 and maybe I spoil him, but I think he'd love to have a day where he gets to do something fun with both of us. I mean, we take him to the park, to the movies sometimes, he gets to swim at friends' houses but its his birthday and his dad did ask what he wanted to do. And now my fiance is backing out saying he doesn't want to spend the money and his son probably won't be disapointed or care if he doesn't get to go anywhere. I'm not a parent so I don't know if this is normal.
Gus Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I'm in the same situation as you - no kids and an S/O with an 11 year old son with a Mother that seems to be clueless where the boy's feelings are concerned. I get upset about things like this also so here's my input. Kids remember when they're told that they're going to get to go somewhere that is special to them. They also remember when they don't get to go. Adults are mentors and should be teaching their children responsility and to live up to their word. If a child is told they are going to get to do something, they should get to do it. Unless there is some emergency that prevents this from happening (and the child should have the emergency explained and then you take them to that place at a later date), it should happen. I accuse my S/O of being selfish sometimes. He'll tell the boy that he'll be doing this and doing that and then when the time comes, I have to prod my S/O to make sure it happens. I don't know anything about your situation other than what you have written but it sounds like your fiance is being selfish. Just because the kids Mother disappointed him, will it make it better for the other parent to dissapoint him as well? I still remember the year I graduated from high school - many, many years ago. My parents told me that they would take me anywhere I wanted to eat and I could have anything I wanted to eat that day. I wanted 2 foot long chili cheese dogs from the Dairy Queen. My parents took me to a restaurant that THEY liked instead. Yes, I'm over it, but it still P*ss'd me off because it was supposed to be MY day. My S/O's son LOVES to do things with us but geez, if you tell a kid that they're going to get to do something - then make sure they get to do it!
2sure Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Well, maybe this will give you some perspective. ME: Have always had HUGE, elaborate, B-Day Parties for daughter. Rented Limos, arranged town wide scavenger hunts, took a group to a hotel/waterpark for a weekend....you get the idea. Every year. Even when I was broke and had to save and save for it. You know what she remembers most fondly?? (mind you, she is only 13 now).... We always have cake and ice cream at home on the day of...we invite our family just for that since its usually a weeknight. THATS what she likes. She couldnt tell what we did last year for her party....I can.
Author lexi29 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 I do think he is being selfish but he is normally not like that AT ALL with his son. He usually does everything his son wants. I agree you shouldn't tell a child you are going to do something and then not do it. However, we did not make any plans (it was going to be a suprise) about where we were going. He was just asked where he'd like to go. maybe that is why my fiance is backing out because he wouldn't be disapointing his son. Although it is strange because he took the day off from work today (something he never does) and said it was to spend time with his son. I know differently because he is at his parents house working on his boat. His son always goes to his parents during the summer while dad is at work. He likes to play with the neighbor kid (they have a pool) so that is where he's at right now. Not spending time with his dad who is doing boring stuff like fixing up his boat. He told me he thought his son would want to spend the day running errands with him (to get the boat ready). I think it was just an excuse for him to take off work and also why he doesn't want to take his son anywhere this weekend (so he can work on the boat). It is just terrible to me that his own mother doesn't even acknowledge his birthday while basically rubbing it in his face that she knows about it (telling him to tell his dad to take him to Chuckee Cheese) and then my fiance asking where he wants to go and then not taking him anywhere. The tv and dvd was my idea and my fiance agreed with it but I wonder if I'd not suggeseted it what he would have bought him?
Eve Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Forgive me if I have misunderstood but it sounds as though Dad is not expecting to have the boy on his birthday weekend and so is not planning anything. .. Also Dad and boy want to work on the boat together as a longterm thing. As a Mother with nearly grown up children, I would say it is the times such as making cakes together, lying on the grass chatting etc which count and birthdays are intrinsically the same. I do get what you are saying though and deeply believe that every now and then a kid should get precisely what they asked for, even if it is something quite magnificent. Dont sweat the small stuff and whatever you do dont concentrate on the ex, especially if she is no good. In order to build a sense of resilience in the boy be open and authentic above all else. These are the only things which really matter (longterm) to children and adults alike. Take care, Eve xx P.s I would still see the boy on his birthday whether it was my weekend or not. My husbands ex tried to state something of a simular nature when his boys were with her .. but we ignored her. We believe that children should have equal access to their parents. Full stop.
Gus Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 My S/O includes his 11 year old son when working on his and his friends vettes. Now mind you, this has been going on for years and his son has a severe learning disability when it comes to letters, words, reading and writing but he's so mechanically inclined I really think he'll be able to tear down a motor and rebuild it by the time he's 13. I agree w/ the other person who said don't dwell on the kid's Mother - I did this for too long and it drove me crazy. You can't control the things she does or doesn't do but you can influence what your fiance does and how he treats his son. And am I getting this right - today is your fiance's day to be spending w/ his son, it's his son's birthday and he's not spending the day with him?
blind_otter Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 It can be really difficult to deal with your SS's mother, especially when she doesn't really step up to the plate in your eyes. I also struggle with resentment against my SS's bio mom. Just last night, for the 5th time this month, she called to say she will not be coming to town to see her son like she promised. She never sees how much her son suffers when she doesn't make time for him. Now that I have my own son I can't imagine behavior like this. You just have to make a conscious effort to put her out of your mind as much as possible. It is what it is. She isn't going to disappear, or magically become a better mother just because you think she should. Thinking about her poor choices will just make you pissed off and unhappy, too. If Dad isn't going to do something special with SS, why don't you?
Author lexi29 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Yes, it was the day of his son's birthday and my fiance took the day off but didn't spend the day with him. He spent the day working on his new boat. Of course his son could have helped if he wanted but he's not interested in that kind of thing so he went to the neighbor kid's house and went swimming. My fiance and I (fiance's idea) took him to dinner at a place of his (son's) choosing in the evening. We also gave him his presents and a cake after dinner. I was a little concerned because my fiance was very upset that he didn't get to finish the boat (had some snafus with the title and finding parts etc) and he was aggitated and his son thought he was mad at HIM because he was yelling about the boat all the time. I understood his frustration but its his kid's birthday (who he normally dotes on) and he was making the day all about HIM and his troubles and kind of neglecting his son. He has custody of him and sees him all the time so it is not like its the only day he'll see him. he did say we are going to take him somewhere this weekend as well but he doesn't want to spend much $ because he's spent so much on the boat (and needs to spend more) so I suggested we take him to the dollar movies. His son normally likes that so that is probably what we'll do. I guess birthdays are not a big thing in his family (except with his brothers and their kids) because his son went to his grandparents on his birthday and they just gave him $30 and no cake, no happy birthday etc. His mother didn't even call him but his half sister (6) did (probably at urgings of his mother). He seemed happy enough, was somewhat bummed out he didn't get the 4 wheeler he keeps demanding every year, but was happy with his presents.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I wouldn't say he's a bad parent, but he certainly is acting very selfish right now.
2sunny Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 this is no different than other scenarios you've posted in the past. your boyfriend always does what he wants. this isn't about the boys Mom... it's about his Dad. you aren't looking at the big picture Lexi - it will ALWAYS be like this - it's up to you to accept it or leave. within any relationship your BF will always be #1 - expecting any of it to look otherwise is being totally unrealistic.
Art_Critic Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Lexi.. he is being an idiot.. but that aside a child's B-day party isn't about thinks after about the age of 8 or so.. What about having his friends over for a sleep over and pizza instead ?
hotgurl Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 your fiance is being selfish. the son used to get birthday parties now this year he gets to move, no party and the dad being angry about the boat. When you have kids sometimes you have to suck it up and put them first. whether it is going to chucky chees even though you hate it and let him have fun or going to DQ for footlongs.
Art_Critic Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Lexi.. he is being an idiot.. but that aside a child's B-day party isn't about things after about the age of 8 or so.. What about having his friends over for a sleep over and pizza instead ? I met to say things... A child's B-day isn't about the party anymore.. after about the age of 8 or so it should be about what the child thinks is important... I think your BF needs to change his mind about his decision to not have the party...
Lizzie60 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I don't know your story but from this OP.. he sounds like a selfish father... His son's birthday should be the priority.. since he's still very young and birthdays are 'special and important' days at that age. It's also NOT a competition between the parents (who does more, etc.)... it shouldn't matter what she does for her son's bd... it's not your business. One more thing... don't beat yourself about what to do for his bd... as long as the child feels it is HIS special day and he's loved... and that his parents thought of something special for him.. I'd say that a gift (something he really wants) and a dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe with just a friend or two... is enough IMO.
2sunny Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 i don't even think it's about the party... it's mainly about the fact that Dad does whatever he wants - leaving the boy out of the equation all together - especially on his birthday! then Lexi always thinks it's HER job to make it all look just fine. it's not fine! it never will be... mainly because the only one her BF thinks about is himself. Lexi - you can't fix this... run Forrest run! find a man with a giving heart that is open and kind and willing to be generous with his time and energy. it never looks like that for you with this guy...
hotgurl Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Lexi.. he is being an idiot.. but that aside a child's B-day party isn't about thinks after about the age of 8 or so.. What about having his friends over for a sleep over and pizza instead ? art did you mean things? We always did parties for my daughter. bowling parties, pool parties. Now that she is 13 well 14 we have dance/bonfire parties at the house. Why don't you invite a kid or two over or better yet take them to the sports complex with you
2sunny Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 a gathering for the birthday doesn't even have to be about spending money... you could have a day at the baseball field, the park, the beach etc... the problem is that Dad isn't making the effort - so it tells the boy that it's not a priority. seems like the wedding looked like this in the planning stages too... your BF just really doesn't make much of an effort even for the people he claims to care about. life is too short for that kind of crummy living.
Lucky_One Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Man, my son LOVES the time he spends with his dad on the boat. He does NOT want to fix it up, or get it ready, but he DOES love love love fishing, putting around, or going tubing or skiing. Why do *I* get the impression that Lexi is pissed off about the boat purchase? Guys love boats and things. This is an investment for the future and for future fun. I'd rather spend the money on a boat than on some trip to an amusement part, especially when the kid said he'd rather go to Chuck E Cheese (it's Lexi who thinks CEC is boring - not the child). I'm sort of sorry that the TV and DVD are already given. Televisions in children's rooms are fantastic ways to encourage spending time apart instead of time as a family, as well as taking away parental control of programs watched and hours spent watching it. There is fairly strong evidence that the more hours of television are watched, the result is poorer academic performance, poorer work habits, and poorer emotional adjustments.
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