My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Hey, well my name is not ED, but i do have a huge problem that has been eating me up slowly from the inside out and i don't have much left inside and its affecting me everywhere i go. It makes me mad so easy and sometimes before i know it I'm flying of the handle and catching myself saying... wait this is not me what am i doing? Well heres the issue I'm having and i hope that your replies or comments, concerns or if you have had the same problem before, how did you do it? how did it go away? has it completely gone away? where did you find help? how? I'm 24 years old i got married less than a year ago to someone i thought i knew everything about, but i was wrong. Like many of us she had previous partners that just didn't work out with and were just friends and talked, hung out once in a while. I came along met her went on a million dates got to know her, respected her, helped her out with her problems. emotionally and financially we got together were the best times of my life, nothing could go wrong in my mind. We decide to get married we pick a date, told everyone and i didn't get the reaction i was expecting (i guess that should of been my first sign huh) and wondered why. I asked and people were just saying shes just to crazy for you, shes not done being her, she's not ready to settle down. Her family was glad, her family loves me, we have a great relation ship. We got a new apartment moved in, she worked days at a bar, she was a bar tender and a waitress at a restaurant. Im military so im at work 12hrs every day except for weekends.. You get where im going with this? Bottom line is we get married i fought with my superiors and commanders to get 2 weeks off to go see my family up north and her family, and well make the best of what we were going to call our honey moon and i had to work till the day i left so she went out to her old friends house and they had a party i guess a you got married party and what not. we were supposed to leave on that trip the next day at like 7am, so i get home i get everything ready and she said she'll be home in a lil bit. i wake up the next day at 5am and shes not there, i call her, send her messages asking her where she was, she gets home at 10am saying ohh my phone died, i passed out at my girls couch she can verify that she was there nothing of what you are thinking happened. so i was like hmm ok we leave to my parents house 3hrs late and what not i didn't get the 2weeks i asked for i got one instead, short manned at the squadron was the answer i got. The week was amazing, like i said nothing could of gotten wrong in my eyes. Her friends are always taking her out, like a girls night out thing almost and im at work so i let her, no problem but one of those weekends she never came home, didn't answer my calls, or messages, gets back the next day like omg it was crazy i lost my phone, got drunk etc etc.. her best friend is looking at me like im so so so sorry, she told me look i love you guys but what she's doing is wrong, you are an amazing person and shes doing you wrong, she told me that she was not with her, that she called her at her house to go pick her up and to tell me that they were together the whole weekend! I was infuriated i almost busted the bathroom door down! she was saying that nothing happened that it was a misunderstanding that her friend was lying and all sorts of crap... Being in the Military something like a domestic disturbance thing gets heard of its all hell, specially for us guys. I talked to her she said no, no no no no nothing happened i swear i was at my aunts house in the country and well i didn't want you to know because i was drunk and i told you i wasn't going to drink and blah blah, i was suspicious about that. I hadn't even told her yet that i got orders to be deployed overseas. I told her and she was like what are we going to do? i said nothing i have to go theres nothing i can do. I talked to a prist at my church about it told him i was not taking this to calmly and that i was afraid of like hurting her one of those times she says " omg i was drunk ok i didn't hear my phone, sorry" and he said that the best thing to do is confront her in a nice and reasonable way, not to pressure her or resort to violence in anyway, but i have a short temper and i was talking to her nice and calm trying not to loose my head and i asked, are you messing around on me? she said no, and i said thats bull** i know you are. she said no im not why would i? we had a huge fight she left the house for about 3 days didn't answer my phone calls or anything. i get home one day she's sitting in the couch crying and she told me everything that she had been cheating on me, since before we got married, while we were dating, engaged and she just broke up with her affair because she felt bad. I lost my mind i said so what that guy you were with and we left late to our technically honey moon? she said she was sorry about that, and the nights she goes out with her girls she sees the other guy and all this crazy stuff, i lost my mind, she said she was sorry that she was afraid of commitment? i was like thats stupid! and she said she was seeing a counselor and that she was getting help and all other stuff. I told my superior at work, he noticed i was mad all the time and sat me down in his office and i told him he said well she's willing to change, and you've been married for a short period of time get it annulled or work things out. We decided to work things out, again amazingly but i was waiting for the good times to end in back of my head, but nothing happened in like 3 months i was getting surprised, actually glad i decided to work things out. She tells me one night "baby guess what? Im pregnant" it was a great day for me we went to the mall looked at baby stuff and then we went to the doctor for her check up and well i wanted to be there, as im talking to the doctor i get the idea of asking a question, i ask so when did she get married? he pulls out a little wheel calendar thing and says the date, i think in my head, not bad then im at home thinking about that date and sure enough i was not even home that day i was in another state for 2 weeks doing some logistics stuff. I got back home and then talked to her and told her look i want the truth or theres the door! she said it was mine, she thinks its mine, she's not sure there are 2 other guys 2 OTHER GUYS!!! that can be the father? im thinking this is all a joke, i bet you guys reading this probably think im making this up, no im not. this is actually true. So right now im in Iraq, shes about to give birth and im not going to be there for it. She told me that after i left she cheated on me again, and a few months later she did it again, last month she confessed about doing it again, and i was like for the love of god! you're pregnant and still cheating on me! after we talked about how if she seeked help, and she did everything i asked her to, which she did but then again didn't so i don't know what to do....... I told her before i left that i loved her and that i didn't know if i could do it and take another bomb of lies. She swore on the babys life and Mine that she was done cheating that she saw the future with me and that she's changed that she loves me that she's carrying my child and that i mean the world to her that without me she's nothing... i said ok ok just stop, look get help and stuff and i will not do anything stupid, we can get help, i'll take care of the baby as if it were mine if its not, its mine no matter what just stop being stupid! she changed again for a short period of time but now like i said she just told me that she messed up and she was sorry i said you are like 6-7 months along how are you still having sex! idk but she is and im tired of this i told her i didn't want anything to do with her. I can't just leave her due to the fact that she's pregnant. Im overseas and a divorce process overseas isn't really allowed by the Military so im stuck here with this. She says she has changed that she needs just one chance to prove it to me... I have given her like 5-6 chances and i still keep finding out about what she did that i thought she stoped... Ladies, does a child really change a woman, im asking this because im only 24 i don't know much about families, or wifes i've spent most of my "adult hood" in the service so i'm not really familiar with the problems outside the uniform i wear, does she deserve another chance? but what if the baby is not mine? what if she's still cheating on me as we speak? what if the baby is mine? what if she really is sorry and has changed and i make the wrong choice? what do i do? i love her to death but i don't think i can live like this the thought keeps coming back when i call her or email her and she says " I'm hanging out with one of my real good guy friends" i think the worse, i get angry, worried, i get mad and i can't think strait... i gave her everything she could ask for, money, car, a roof over her head, got her medical bills payed, her dental work got done, she's a whole new person now, she was living with some friend sharing a bedroom with her and most of the time didn't go to work because she had no car... all of that and what did she give me back? all of that, heart aches, pain and an STD that now i have to live with for the rest of my life! Guys, did i do wrong? i want to be with her but then again my ego, my pride well i don't have much left of that, how do you think i feel when most of the time i go out with the friends and hot up a bar or two and there are friends of hers that are like ohh you're her husband?! and im like whats that supposed to mean? and they say nothing i've never seen you before thats all and they are real nice to me and i just don't feel right, its like i feel they've slept with her or something i can't trust her with any guys that she says are just real good guy friends, or best friends or even when she says im going to spend the night at my friends house... i can't trust her no more.. Right now im looking into separation advice and im not sure on how to go about what im going to do with this whole thing... I'm just waiting for the DNA test to tell me what i should do.... and then after that i still don't know what im want to do. Im like stuck in a circle that i fallow thinking its going to get better and better but i get to the same place again and again and it won't stop... i need it to stop. i can't sleep at nights it bothers me, i can't focus at my job and if i mess something up and get some of my fellow brother in arms hurt or killed because im to worried or concerned about whats going on with her, rather than looking out for them and make sure they don't get shot at or run over something they shouldn't. its the little things like that well not little but im caving in and i can't find an answer to anything. I'm open to advice, criticism, insults, what ever i need to know; no i need to see what others think so i can maybe get out of this maybe it'll get better hole... Thanks. I know it was a long long post but its whats going on and hopefully you read it all and can give me advice or a good ass chewing and tell me what you think i should do.
2sure Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Your wife has no idea what marriage, commitment , and love mean. Motherhood does change people, but this woman is not ready to make the sacrifices (if she ever will be) and will push off the responsibility to whoever is available. Thats you. You know that this baby is not yours. And maybe you could get past that. But - more than likely, she is not going to change.More than likely this marriage is not going to work. If you accept and acknowledge paternity of this baby - for the next 20 years you will be paying for a child that you dont see. Have the test done. If the child is not yours - take legal action to make sure you are not listed on the birth certificate. Thats first. Regardless of whether or not she changes at all - you know you are being taken advantage of. Protect your future self if you cannot protect who you are right now.
Gus Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 No, a baby does NOT change a woman, in fact this might make her worse. She obviously has self esteem issues if she's getting drunk and scewing around w/ multiple men. She needs attention, way more than you can give her - her issue, not yours. And she's irresponsible - why wasn't she using birth control? She's drinking and gets pregnant - that could cause severe issues for the child. My advice - she's got more issues than you should have to deal with. Things she needs to fix on her own, if she can. Whatever you do, try to figure out a way NOT to have your name on the birth certificate. If the child is not yours and your name is on the birth certificate she can come at you for child support until you can prove the child isn't yours. Some states have laws that will hold the person listed on the birth certificate liable reagardless. Once the baby is born, you can have a paternity test. If the baby is yours, file for custody - use her behavior to prove an unfit Mother. But dependent on what state she's in, you might not get it since you're in the Military and in Iraq. Do you have a family member that would file for custody and you could testify on their behalf? Then once you are back in the states, you could then go to court and get custody from your family member w/ no hassles. Why do you think you need to be with her when she gives birth? You're in the Military - she'll be in the hospital surrounded by medical professionals, there's nothing you could do. Being there for the birth doesn't make a Dad........... being there for the child as he / she grows up, making sure that they are protected and have the best life, does.
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Thank you for reading and leaving me your point of view on this, honestly i've know this but i didn't want to admit it i guess. Do you think that she eventually will change? Right now i don't see her changing anytime soon the things she's done are far to great to just let it go like a lot of people tell me. I mean how do you just let that go? i don't think anyone can. Thanks.
2sure Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Ed - You have to suck this up. You made a mistake. Admit it, regret it, feel bad for yourself and for her. And move on. You will make more. This is how they are handled. It hurts. You dont forget, it doesnt go away. The experience of the mistake, the regret , and getting thru it make up a whole person. Its just part of the road.
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 2sure, thank you i know i have to let it go and leave it all behind, i just don't know how, im not sure how to do it, right now im in a situation where everything that is going on over the states is messing with my head here in Iraq. I know i have to let her go. I know i have to learn from this mistake and yes you are so right there are more mistakes that i will make along the road and well theres nothing i can do about that but like you said suck it up and move on. But its not that easy for me right now im trying but i can't do anything at this point, until i get back to the states.
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Gus, thank you for reading and well thank you. What i don't understand is why? i wish i could just ask her why and get a strait answer, i mean i gave her everything she could ever ask for, material and emotional wise, and like i told her she threw that away in a one night stand with her so called best friend, so thats what i don't get? you are right, this happened and im deployed, im going to be gone again for a year to Afghanistan again its only a matter of time, so is this going to happen again? you know i don't know. maybe military people should not get married, i guess we are already married to our job, our country and i think i will do that and like 2sure said just remove the problem and move on.
hopefulInFuture Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 You should not dwell on why. often times, it's not your problem, it's her. She has too many issues with herself that she has to resolve (if she wants to) and there's nothing you can do here. Continuously obsessing about why she did something or shy she behaved in a specific way is only going to hurt you more. Simply accept the fact that she's not the right person for you and that it's none of your fault.
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 I know, well i know now after all that happened that she is not the right person for me. I know i shouldn't dwell on the why but its an inevitable thing for me, makes me feel like i possible failed in doing something in our marriage? i don't know i just need everything to go away and well just go away haha. im sorry i don't know.
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Do you guys think that if the baby does end up being mine, and i get back to the states, and i fight for custody i might win? I know that i am the best person to take care of the baby, i have a steady job, i have an apartment, but im also in the military, will that be an issue when it comes to deployments? will the judge see that as an issue? I definitely know im more fit to take care of him, she well she can't even keep a job, she loves to drink, go out all the time and well i don't think she can prove that she has anything, no place to live, no car, doesn't have a job and well i really don't think she has a bright future coming up any time soon... Any lawyers here lol.. seriously what do you think might happen, i mean if its mine im going to try no matter what but if i can get a step ahead of the game by getting my stuff ready here so when its time i have eveything...
Ariadne Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 she thinks its mine, she's not sure there are 2 other guys 2 OTHER GUYS!!! that can be the father? told me that after i left she cheated on me again a few months later she did it again last month she confessed about doing it again you're pregnant and still cheating on me! Ok, I just couldn't finish reading the rest of that message. Ed, please, take good care of yourself in Iraq. Don't lose your temper and do something crazy over there and put yourself at risk. And that girl is a lost cause.. I know you want a happy family and all of that, but come on. Figure out if you are the father first before you start making child support payments. Good luck, you'll need it.
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 i know its bad huh but i wish it was a nightmare that i could wake up from and be like ohh it was only a dream, i laugh about it instead of getting upset, its to... to... unbelievable but yes, i am taking care of myself here, i got great friends that watch my back and i got theirs. plus my job distracts me a lot here so its good. Thanks for the good luck wish.
Ariadne Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Do you think that she eventually will change? Maybe eventually she'll settle down. You were there at the wrong time. She was not ready when you met, neither does she loves you and never will.
Gus Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Do you guys think that if the baby does end up being mine, and i get back to the states, and i fight for custody i might win? I know that i am the best person to take care of the baby, i have a steady job, i have an apartment, but im also in the military, will that be an issue when it comes to deployments? will the judge see that as an issue? I definitely know im more fit to take care of him, she well she can't even keep a job, she loves to drink, go out all the time and well i don't think she can prove that she has anything, no place to live, no car, doesn't have a job and well i really don't think she has a bright future coming up any time soon... Any lawyers here lol.. seriously what do you think might happen, i mean if its mine im going to try no matter what but if i can get a step ahead of the game by getting my stuff ready here so when its time i have eveything... It all depends on where you live. In Texas the Dallas county courts most always side w/ the Mother - Tarrant county right next door is more apt to take all things into consideration when making a custody decision. I think I say this in almost all of my custody and divorce posts - Google Father's Rights using the zip code where your wife lives. Call them and tell them your story - they'll tell you what you need to do. I think the possibility of deployment to another country would be an issue w/ a judge but that's just my guess.
Ariadne Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 i am taking care of myself here, i got great friends that watch my back and i got theirs. plus my job distracts me a lot here so its good. Thanks for the good luck wish. You are welcome. I just sent some prayers to the Lord to watch over you, I begged him really. Oh Ed, please take good care of yourself there. You are in such turmoil and the situation in Iraq is so hard. I'm so sorry for all of this.
Reggie Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 ED, thanks for your sevice to your country. Look, you should really start researching personality disorders, liie borderline personality disorder, narcissitic personality disorder and sociopathy. Your wife sounds like she has one of these disorders. She has many of the signs. You will find that being married to a peson like this is a living hell. You need to divorce her to save yourself.
Ariadne Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 i fight for custody i might win? I know that i am the best person to take care of the baby, i have a steady job, i have an apartment, but im also in the military, will that be an issue when it comes to deployments? Well, I'm sure she is going to be a good mother. The fact that she is messed up when it comes to guys doesn't affect her ability to love her child. If the baby is yours, you can always be a part of his life and still get to spend plenty of time with him. Nobody can take that away from you.
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Wow, never thought of it that way lol... Seriously.. it makes sense i mean i really don't know what is going on in her mind i mean i really don't know, do i want to know... i think that at this time no, not really. I have a few months little less than 4 months left here in Iraq i am seriously going to look into all the advice you guys have given me, legal and other stuff other people suggested. Thank you guys, thanks a lot for understanding.
Bryanp Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I also thank you for your service to this country. Seek a lawyer and find out if you can file for an annulment. You have made a horrible mistake marrying her. You have been married a year and she has been having sex with two other men and is now pregnant. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? She did not even have the slightest respect for you to even bother to use protection. Don't be a fool and waste your life on somebody like this. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? We all make mistakes in this life. The biggest mistake you can make is continuing this mistake. Why would you wish to remain married to a woman who continuously disrespects you, makes you look like a fool and humiliates you in the worst possible way. Imagine being married to a woman who truly loves you and respect you. Enough is Enough!
Owl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Well, I'm sure she is going to be a good mother. The fact that she is messed up when it comes to guys doesn't affect her ability to love her child. If the baby is yours, you can always be a part of his life and still get to spend plenty of time with him. Nobody can take that away from you. I don't know that I agree with you completely here, Ariadne. I would agree that it doesn't affect her ability to LOVE her child...but it may well impair her ability to CARE for her child. I've seen too many people who were so focused on their own gratification that they simply were horrible parents as a result. Given what's been described here, and her focus on her WANTS to the exclusion of anyone else's needs, I'd have a major concern that she may well be this kind of person.
Ariadne Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Given what's been described here, and her focus on her WANTS to the exclusion of anyone else's needs, I'd have a major concern that she may well be this kind of person. Nah, In my experience, when women can't get it right with guys and don't know what they want, they for sure love and care for their children. They seem to be looking for love in all the wrong places, and the baby turns out to be the only love that is real.
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 hehe Ariadne, i like you hehe well like i said before, thank you guys all of you who gave their own little grain of sand to help me open my eyes... but the war aint over yet i still have to deal with the paternity tests and stuff and well hopefully its mine but if its not well its good too. is it bad that i kinda hope its not mine?
Author My name is ED Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Thank you all for your words of wisdom and concern. Its up to me from here i guess. I'll keep you guys posted on the outcome what ever it is. Thanks once again.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Guys, did i do wrong? i want to be with her for the love of god....why???? i can't trust her no more.. No, you can't. Right now im looking into separation advice and im not sure on how to go about what im going to do with this whole thing... I'm just waiting for the DNA test to tell me what i should do well if the baby is NOT yours, I'd pack her bags and kick her out. and if the baby is yours, what are you going to do? stay with an untrustworthy "wh0re"(sorry, but thats what she is), because of the child? I suppose most would say that is a legit reason to stay with someone.....so you'd give up your life to live with someone you can't trust? .... and then after that i still don't know what im want to do. Im like stuck in a circle that i fallow thinking its going to get better and better but i get to the same place again and again and it won't stop... i need it to stop. there is only one way for it to stop...and that is if she is no longer your problem. I'm open to advice, criticism, insults, what ever i need to know; no i need to see what others think so i can maybe get out of this maybe it'll get better hole... my man, I feel for you big time. ultimately the decision is yours. but from my perspective, there is no way I could be with someone so unscrupulous and someone that has cheated...much less the way she has giving you an STD, and more than likely getting pregnant by some other idiot. And what if that STD was HIV?? In my mind you need to send her packing. Tell her to move in with one of her many men that she let in her up to their balls. Thanks. I know it was a long long post but its whats going on and hopefully you read it all and can give me advice or a good ass chewing and tell me what you think i should do. You won't get an ass chewing from me...EVER. even if you decided to stay with her, that is your decision and a hard one at that. Everyone has their own reasons for staying with a cheater, much less the kind your wife is, but I still will always advise to get rid of her. Only way to rid yourself of what she did to you is to rid yourself of the source. Keep us posted my man. Been there with you, done that.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 on a side note, its too bad people can't be brought up on criminal charges for giving someone an STD. and in the case of HIV, it should be attempted murder. they should spend what little days they have left in solitary confinement.
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