Maria_la_Guera Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I've got a kind of a funny problem (except that it's not always that funny for me!) which is that I tend to get a lot of compliments from guys but nobody ever pursues it further. I have a lot of guy friends and I have noticed that several of them have fancied me, at least at some level, at some point but never acted on it and only recently two of them told me that I was pretty much a perfect girlfriend. I'm not trying to say I'm really that great, apparently I'm pretty (I say apparently because I like myself but it's not like I look like Jessica Alba or something!) and I'm loyal to my friends, sweet but not stupid, religious but pretty chilled-out (like I don't do one-night stands anymore and pray and stuff but don't mind if others are not like me), love going out to gigs and dancing and doing sports but I'm shy in big groups of people and maybe I do come across as stuck-up for that (which is crazy because I've only recently learned to be confident and I actually used to think that everybody else was much better at everything than I was!). Even my ex-boyfriend said he was really lucky to go out with me (funnily we still broke up though because he "couldn't commit to it right now" or some crap like that). BUT I don't have a boyfriend and I don't get asked out. So I guess that somehow I keep on putting boundaries with people and not letting anyone come close to me so that they would actually be encouraged to ask me out. Or there is some big flaw in me that I don't notice and nobody has told me about. In case the first assumption is true, I don't know what else to do but to learn to be more upfront and ask the guys I like out myself, or somehow at least tell them I'm interested. And seriously, I have no idea how! I was raised to be a good girl, and I still am, and I just feel aggressive and slutty if I do that. It's stupid, I know, and in this matter I'm clearly not very liberated but I'm trying to get there. Besides I can often tell that guys try to get me to give them a lot of attention because they want to feel like they can get me and I don't want to go into that. I treat people in a friendly way and respond if they talk to me but it's not like I'm going to run after them and beg just because they spoke to me for 10min and have a pretty face. That is, I would say, because I have some self-respect but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. So how do you do that? How do you even flirt with a guy? (I guess I only know how to be friendly!). Also, I actually like relationships where I have my space and can do my thing and not having to constantly reassure my boyfriend that I'm not cheating on him or that I still love him, just because I want to spend some extra time with my friends or go to a yoga class or something. Where are all the guys who don't hate all women or have jealousy issues? Sorry for the long post. Your comments and tips will be very much appreciated! Thanks! Maria
Bejita463 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I did not get the impression that you have difficulty getting guys to talk to you, but that they do not take the step of asking for your number. Is that right? If that is the case I would say you are probably not giving off signals that you are interested that are as obvious as you think they are. I'm pretty horrible with subtleties myself, and won't try to pursue a conversation with someone I don't think is interested, so as not to annoy them.
Lyssa Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 The best thing is not to think too much about approaching a guy. Just do it! Are you in school or working? Any chance for your friends to introduce some guys to you?
carhill Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 like I don't do one-night stands anymore and pray and stuff but don't mind if others are not like me Back then, during the ONS days, what about you invited men to approach you sexually like that? What changed for you when you decided to give that up? A man needs to be attracted to you sexually to approach you and ask you out. He has male friends for other things. Sex is the impetus but not necessarily the precise pathway. Can you create sexual tension without acting on it? If you can't, and choose instead not to try, potential dating partners will see those signals as that of a sister or a platonic female friend, and will treat you appropriately. Learn to project your desire, but in less obvious ways than during the ONS era. Think it; feel it. God won't mind
MissHollywood Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I did not get the impression that you have difficulty getting guys to talk to you, but that they do not take the step of asking for your number. Is that right? If that is the case I would say you are probably not giving off signals that you are interested that are as obvious as you think they are. I'm pretty horrible with subtleties myself, and won't try to pursue a conversation with someone I don't think is interested, so as not to annoy them. But what signals from a woman would make you try and pursue a conversation?
lostsoulmate Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 All you can do is ask a guy? The worst he can say is no. Don't let the fear of rejection control your actions. Fear is bad!!!! Fear will destroy you self esteem. (this is why some guys won't ask... they have let the fear of rejection control them). Just do it. If you get a no, oh well. Try again. Good luck.
Bejita463 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 But what signals from a woman would make you try and pursue a conversation? For me? The most obvious would be to simply indicate a desire to speak with me with something as simple as a hello. Beyond that, a pleasant and approachable demeanor would work best. If someone studiously avoids looking at me, that does not encourage me. A smile goes a long way, but the biggest sign for me that you WANT a conversation is that when I say hello you actually give me your attention. I don't even pursue conversations with people who respond to me on the move, or respond and immediately divert their attention to something else.
Recommended Posts