Gunny376 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Oh, I'm not quite ready for a dose of Gunny just yet. Well now that you've had sometime to sleep on it, perhaps you are! People come and people go, ain't no 'one monkey' that makes a show, (Van Morison song) The fact of the matter is? The graveyards all over the world are filled with people we can't live without, do without, go on without ~ but yet? Somehow we do! The World still turns, the Sun still rises as it has for billions of years! People look at failure the wrong way ~ as they do failure IN MARRIAGE. Thomas Edison failed over 1000 times in finding the right filament for the light bulb before he succeed. Henry Ford fired four different engineering teams of some of the world's top engineers before he cast the first eight cylinder engine! You didn't fail her, she failed YOU! IMHO Lisa, "TJ' and others going through this! Your beating yourself up over the failure of your marriage? Blaming yourself with all of the "would have, could have, should haves" when you seriously need to be looking at the fact that they're the weak-minded, shallow-minded ones! They're the one's that walked when things got hard! They're the one's that quit when things got tough! They're the one's that walked up and rang the ship's bell and quit! You! You! You're still standing! You're still in for a penny or a pound! Its no longer a question of whether your good enough or right for them? Its a question of whether they're good enough for you? One of the nicest things I've heard from a woman's mouth? "Your wife was CRAZY for divorcing you!" All of this is only going to make you stronger! Better! Sharper! Than you ever were before! Pain? Pain is but weakness leaving the body! That's ALL that was when you broke down and cried when the wife left TJ! Pain and weakness leaving your body! If I paid you a nickle everytime I've done it ~ gone through it in my Life? You'd be a multi-millionaire!
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 You didn't fail her, she failed YOU! Its no longer a question of whether your good enough or right for them? Its a question of whether they're good enough for you? Thank you Gunny, these words alone have hit me this morning. You'e so right, why in the hell would I want someone who thinks so little of me to quit without trying after all our history and all we have shared? Why would I want someone who in doing so has made my life a living hell, no job, no home of my own?
Author tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 You are right Gunny, I know that. I even knew that crying my damn fool eyes out yesterday. Just couldn't stop it. Too much at once. I guess it's just me retaining hope that this can be resurected. Even though I know otherwise, I just won't let myself admit defeat. With all the other "storms of life" I had been facing before this happened, the love of my wife was the one constant in an otherwise dreary existence i was fighting my way through. Losing that broke me temporarily. I know I will be stronger at the other side, but she was my strength when I was weak, and now losing that support has crippled me in an already vulnerable time. I will heal,but it looks like a long hard road. Better get movin! TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 You are right Gunny, I know that. I even knew that crying my damn fool eyes out yesterday. Just couldn't stop it. Too much at once. I guess it's just me retaining hope that this can be resurrected. Even though I know otherwise, I just won't let myself admit defeat. With all the other "storms of life" I had been facing before this happened, the love of my wife was the one constant in an otherwise dreary existence i was fighting my way through. Losing that broke me temporarily. I know I will be stronger at the other side, but she was my strength when I was weak, and now losing that support has crippled me in an already vulnerable time. I will heal,but it looks like a long hard road. Better get movin! TOJAZ Too often we become dependent on others? They become our eyes when we can't see! They become our voice when we cannot speak! We fall in love and become dependent upon them! Our existence depends upon them ~ but ultimately we find ourselves without them! Be it through death, separation or divorce? In the end? We realize the ultimate truth ~ we only have ourselves!
Gunny376 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 You are right Gunny, I know that. I even knew that crying my damn fool eyes out yesterday. Just couldn't stop it. TOJAZ Bro, been down on my knees, crying my eyes out, begging before God over a little 110 pound gal that these days? I wouldn't even go on a coffee date with!
Author tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Kind of took an emotional beating today. Nothing makor, but still hit me kind of hard. While I was at work, I recieve a call from the wife. When i return it, I'm assuming she wants to set a time to come and get the rest of her stuff. Wrong, on the other end of the line is my wife with the sweetest voice, a voive I haven't heard in a long time, asking how I'm doing and if my friend is doing well in the hospital. I'm on cloud 9 :love::love:! Not that it meant anything, but just hearing her voice in the tone I;m used too was a nice break. We talked a bit, then she said something that sounded familiar. Something I had written to a friend of mine in an E-mail last night about how i was feeling yesterday. Then id dawns on me.:sick: This was a pity call. My friend had written her begging her to be nice to me. I about fell over as the wind left my sails. I asked and she confirmed. I couldn't speak and hung up on her. She sent me some texts trying to convince me that she was genuinely concerned, but it was all tainted now. I kind of wish she hadn't called at all, but at the same time, enjoyed the temporary high. Not dwelling on it too much, just reminded me of how compassionate my wife was. This sucks, but gotta keep on rollin. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Kind of took an emotional beating today. Nothing makor, but still hit me kind of hard. While I was at work, I recieve a call from the wife. When i return it, I'm assuming she wants to set a time to come and get the rest of her stuff. Wrong, on the other end of the line is my wife with the sweetest voice, a voive I haven't heard in a long time, asking how I'm doing and if my friend is doing well in the hospital. I'm on cloud 9 :love::love:! Not that it meant anything, but just hearing her voice in the tone I;m used too was a nice break. We talked a bit, then she said something that sounded familiar. Something I had written to a friend of mine in an E-mail last night about how i was feeling yesterday. Then id dawns on me.:sick: This was a pity call. My friend had written her begging her to be nice to me. I about fell over as the wind left my sails. I asked and she confirmed. I couldn't speak and hung up on her. She sent me some texts trying to convince me that she was genuinely concerned, but it was all tainted now. I kind of wish she hadn't called at all, but at the same time, enjoyed the temporary high. Not dwelling on it too much, just reminded me of how compassionate my wife was. This sucks, but gotta keep on rollin. TOJAZ I bet you're mad as hell at your friend? that's rough Tojaz, not what you need right now at all. How is your friend in the hospital?
Author tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 She is unfortunately about the same. Things are touch and go at the moment. I get updates every couple of hours so i'm hoping for some good news. I'm not all that mad at my friend. her heart was in the right place. I was just hurt that my wife had to be coerced into checking on me Even if it was sincere concern, it just left me feeling empty to know that. I don't know why i expected more, but I did.
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I know, I get that. It kind of feels like you are still connected to them, even though they have disconnected from you and are behaving so cold. I've found the connected feeling has gotton less since I've gone NC. When you are still in contact, they still manage to hurt you somehow, even if it's not their intention. It's a shame, I would like to have been friends with my ex, all those years together, growing up together. If he had done this the right way, (given us a chance to work things out, before leaving), that may have been possible, but after the way he did it, walking me round wedding venues, the church etc,(not sure how much I have said in my posts about this), then going without explanation or trying first, I'm not sure it will ever be possible. Maybe one day?! I do hope your friend is going to be ok. I'll say a prayer for her. I must go off to bed now, is late here. Will check in again tomorrow. Take care.
Author tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 I know, I get that. It kind of feels like you are still connected to them, even though they have disconnected from you and are behaving so cold. I've found the connected feeling has gotton less since I've gone NC. When you are still in contact, they still manage to hurt you somehow, even if it's not their intention. It's a shame, I would like to have been friends with my ex, all those years together, growing up together. If he had done this the right way, (given us a chance to work things out, before leaving), that may have been possible, but after the way he did it, walking me round wedding venues, the church etc,(not sure how much I have said in my posts about this), then going without explanation or trying first, I'm not sure it will ever be possible. Maybe one day?! I do hope your friend is going to be ok. I'll say a prayer for her. I must go off to bed now, is late here. Will check in again tomorrow. Take care. I appreciate that, thanks Lisa TOJAZ
TrustInYourself Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Who cares if your friend asked. She chose to call you, out of genuine concern and you blew her off.
Author tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I don't think I really blew her off. (God i hope not) It was more the realization of why she called. That she was spurred on by my friend when i felt that she wouldn't have bothered otherwise. When that hit, I truly could not speak, that was why I ended the conversation. I was in the middle of work, and did not want to get all emotional. I did answer about a half dozen texts from her to the best of my ability afterwards. Did I F*%K this up? What did I miss? My head is so screwed up with all that is going on right now, you could smack me with a 2X4 and I wouldn't know for days. Did I offend her? What should I do? DAMMIT!!!:mad: Tojaz
Pradajunkie Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I don't think I really blew her off. (God i hope not) It was more the realization of why she called. That she was spurred on by my friend when i felt that she wouldn't have bothered otherwise. When that hit, I truly could not speak, that was why I ended the conversation. I was in the middle of work, and did not want to get all emotional. I did answer about a half dozen texts from her to the best of my ability afterwards. Did I F*%K this up? What did I miss? My head is so screwed up with all that is going on right now, you could smack me with a 2X4 and I wouldn't know for days. Did I offend her? What should I do? DAMMIT!!!:mad: Tojaz Your first mistake here is the "apology" the world doesn't revolve around her. You had an sick friend who you were grieving over, You are permitted to have your emotions and you don't have to worry about who you offend when you are being YOU. Don't sweat it.... just carry on and keep moving forward.
hopesndreams Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 My friend had written her begging her to be nice to me. I about fell over as the wind left my sails. I asked and she confirmed. I couldn't speak and hung up on her. She sent me some texts trying to convince me that she was genuinely concerned, but it was all tainted now. Are you sure the friend had to beg her to give you a call and to be nice? The friend could have just casually mentioned it. You got to remember that she is off living her life, and you are no longer a priority and as such are overlooked at times. The next time you hang up on her, and hopefully there won't be a next time, you should have just dropped it. What were all the text exchanges about anyway? Your hurt feelings on why she called? IMO, this is all just small potatoes that you are fretting about, you shouldn't have let them take over with the result being, losing your composure. You are in control. You may not feel that way, and I'm sure you don't, but she doesn't need to know that.
Author tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 My friend had written her begging her to be nice to me. I about fell over as the wind left my sails. I asked and she confirmed. I couldn't speak and hung up on her. She sent me some texts trying to convince me that she was genuinely concerned, but it was all tainted now. Are you sure the friend had to beg her to give you a call and to be nice? The friend could have just casually mentioned it. You got to remember that she is off living her life, and you are no longer a priority and as such are overlooked at times. The next time you hang up on her, and hopefully there won't be a next time, you should have just dropped it. What were all the text exchanges about anyway? Your hurt feelings on why she called? IMO, this is all just small potatoes that you are fretting about, you shouldn't have let them take over with the result being, losing your composure. You are in control. You may not feel that way, and I'm sure you don't, but she doesn't need to know that. No, I'm not sure she had to "beg" I guess it just would have meant more if the wife hadn't been coaxed. Not ready to admit that she's off living her life without me I guess. It was wrong to hang up on her. Like I said, i was getting very emotional and didn't want her to know how hurt I was, especialy if it was just in my head. The texts where her just trying to explain why she called and asking that I not tell my friend that I knew they had been in contact. I don't know why she would worry about this. Anyways, I guess I should just let it go and appreciate the gesture no matter what brought it on. Should I apologize or just leave her be? TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 No, I'm not sure she had to "beg" I guess it just would have meant more if the wife hadn't been coaxed. Not ready to admit that she's off living her life without me I guess. It was wrong to hang up on her. Like I said, i was getting very emotional and didn't want her to know how hurt I was, especialy if it was just in my head. The texts where her just trying to explain why she called and asking that I not tell my friend that I knew they had been in contact. I don't know why she would worry about this. Anyways, I guess I should just let it go and appreciate the gesture no matter what brought it on. Should I apologize or just leave her be? TOJAZ I wouldn't apoligize, I think you hanging up is showing a 180 to her? You've had enough, you are taking a stand, you're saying "you know what, I've told you I'm willing to work things out, I'm in therapy, I am working on the issues you raised, but I'm done with being messed about, if you want me, you need to come to me." Think TIY is best to offer you advice on this one, I would say hold your fire!
Author tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 To be honest, I have admitted defeat. I have one month and things have already gotten worse. No time for NC or 180 or any of that stuff. I have to much stress in other issues to exert my energies to a losing battle. It kills me just to write that and dosen't make the pain go away, but it's true. I truly mean nothing to her and i need to face that. I hope I can, but doubt it. I seem to be getting worse by the day, not better. I hope she never reads this! I have a friend that is big into astrology, she sends me our horoscopes everyday, heres my wifes today... "Once you make up your mind about someone, it's tough to change it, especially if a long-term dispute is at the heart of that opinion. For now it might be best to let all that go, no matter what it was, and try to let the past truly become the past." Like a punch in the stomach! Mine said I give good advice;) TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 To be honest, I have admitted defeat. I have one month and things have already gotten worse. No time for NC or 180 or any of that stuff. I have to much stress in other issues to exert my energies to a losing battle. It kills me just to write that and dosen't make the pain go away, but it's true. I truly mean nothing to her and i need to face that. I hope I can, but doubt it. I seem to be getting worse by the day, not better. I hope she never reads this! I have a friend that is big into astrology, she sends me our horoscopes everyday, heres my wifes today... "Once you make up your mind about someone, it's tough to change it, especially if a long-term dispute is at the heart of that opinion. For now it might be best to let all that go, no matter what it was, and try to let the past truly become the past." Like a punch in the stomach! Mine said I give good advice;) TOJAZ Actually, i think you are getting better, not worse. I think this is exactly what TIY has been trying to get through to all of us, it's when you truely focus on yourself and your needs and your life that the other person will come back, if they want to, when you start to really move on. If they don't come back, you've moved on, win win. I think you are strating to get there. As for the horoscopes, geez! I got into thm after he left as well, but hey, I think they can apply to anything! Freaky though!
Author tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I suppose, though it's kind of scary to read that the UNIVERSE is against my marriage. I hope she dosen't get the same horoscope. The thing about it is, that it's not really that I'm moving on, or maybe it is. I'm just emotionally drained. I can't keep up the fight. I still want to though. I just don't know what to do. Things have happened so fast that I'm out of options. I look back, and i made all the wrong moves and now I'm just doomed I guess. Today is going to be a bad day, I can feel it. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I suppose, though it's kind of scary to read that the UNIVERSE is against my marriage. I hope she dosen't get the same horoscope. The thing about it is, that it's not really that I'm moving on, or maybe it is. I'm just emotionally drained. I can't keep up the fight. I still want to though. I just don't know what to do. Things have happened so fast that I'm out of options. I look back, and i made all the wrong moves and now I'm just doomed I guess. Today is going to be a bad day, I can feel it. TOJAZ I made all the wrong moves as well, so I know what you mean. I thint the point is although you want to fight, I think you are beginning to realsie you can't, not directly anyway. I think I'm starting to get this now, (God I hope so), you need to concentrate on yourself, for yourself, not for her. Start to think of other ways for you to enjoy your life, this may have the knock on effect of drawing her back, it may not. So, you can't fight directly, but you are still fighting indirectly. If she doesn't come back (and I really hope that she does), then you will have suceeded in rebuilding your life for you and by that time, hopefully you won't care anymore. Think positive, this is going to be a good day. Don't call her. If she contacts you, ignore her, make her wait for your attention. Return her call tomorow, tell her you were busy, enjoying yourself, even if you weren't.
Author tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I made all the wrong moves as well, so I know what you mean. I thint the point is although you want to fight, I think you are beginning to realsie you can't, not directly anyway. I think I'm starting to get this now, (God I hope so), you need to concentrate on yourself, for yourself, not for her. Start to think of other ways for you to enjoy your life, this may have the knock on effect of drawing her back, it may not. So, you can't fight directly, but you are still fighting indirectly. If she doesn't come back (and I really hope that she does), then you will have suceeded in rebuilding your life for you and by that time, hopefully you won't care anymore. Think positive, this is going to be a good day. Don't call her. If she contacts you, ignore her, make her wait for your attention. Return her call tomorow, tell her you were busy, enjoying yourself, even if you weren't. Thats good advice, and deep down I know this all. It's just so hard to move on with everything else thats happening around me. I get her out of my head, my thoughts fly to the hospital bed. I give myself a break, here comes my wife again. It's just too much right now. I'm going to do what you said though, today is going to be a GOOD DAY. The sun will shine and I will smile. One day at time. Just hope I can keep it up, time for work. Tojaz
LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 My horoscope say End of the month-and there could be good news on the way. At the very least it's unlikely to be what you expected. This gives you something to relay to others-which leads to many call, extra e-mails and, perhaps adjustments to a schedule agreed to only a few weeks ago. It's propable too that you'll join forces with a cancer (my mum), who, like you, wants clear plans made (and who might help you choose a special outfit) His say Think end of the month rally and a surge of energy. Aside form the positive shopping aspects (where you could find a real bargin), it's likely that tips and other helpful advice could come your way. There's a racy quality to the second half of the day which should have benefits in your private life! (If he gets another women, I'll kill him LOL)
Author tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Stay positive. I'm trying TIY but very hard to find the positives in all of this. I do like learning about myself, and I have learned a lot, but right now everything is very negative to me. It will pass I'm sure. Just seems like I'm lost and don't know what to do next. 30 days left seems like there is something else I should be trying, a last ditch attempt, if I only knew what that was. TOJAZ
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