willing Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 So often we are told exactly what the OM is prepared to do (or not) in a relationship, but being the eternal optimists we overlook their message... The following texts sent from me to OM and replies from him. What do you think he means in his last text, particularly the 'answering to' part, but also the general meaning overall? Me: Tell me, do you have another woman? OM: You keep asking me, no I don't. Me: I am trying hard NOT to want to find out if and who you are seeing. Part of it is not wanting to be told untruths. Part Curiosity. And part Understanding. You do know I would tell you if you asked me if I was seeing someone. OM you have a part of my heart. OM: You insist on me seeing someone my problem is mentally i just like not answering to anyone. I love women but they, including my wife, are so emotional which is a double sided coin cuz thats what makes them beautiful also.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 i just like not answering to anyone This translates to: "Stop acting like a wife" In other words, he is letting you know that he does not like being pinned down like you are doing. He may well be seeing someone else, but he will hide that from you just like he hides you from his wife and he would be as resentful of you digging as he would be with his wife digging to find out about you.
Author willing Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 This translates to: "Stop acting like a wife" In other words, he is letting you know that he does not like being pinned down like you are doing. He may well be seeing someone else, but he will hide that from you just like he hides you from his wife and he would be as resentful of you digging as he would be with his wife digging to find out about you. hmm... and this makes sense, yes. Thanks. Are his words that clear and obvious to you?
Author willing Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 And the 'women being so emotional' part?...
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I'm familiar with the words personally. I've used them when OM or MM would be asking stuff that at the time I didn't feel was their business. Its part of the "I already have a husband/wife, I don't need another one" mindset. As for the emotional part, adding that 'but' and referring to it as a 'doubtle sided coin' makes it clear to me that he sees 'emotional' as something that is annoying to him (ie: emotional being stuff like 'who are you seeing', etc) but that he likes his women so he takes the good with the bad, so to speak.
Author willing Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 I'm familiar with the words personally. I've used them when OM or MM would be asking stuff that at the time I didn't feel was their business. Its part of the "I already have a husband/wife, I don't need another one" mindset. Wow... yes, he actually told me this in those exact words months ago, after an incident with his wife, then me, wanting to move closer to him emotionally... As for the emotional part, adding that 'but' and referring to it as a 'doubtle sided coin' makes it clear to me that he sees 'emotional' as something that is annoying to him (ie: emotional being stuff like 'who are you seeing', etc) but that he likes his women so he takes the good with the bad, so to speak. Thank you Lucrezia... for answering my question... am going to make inquiries with the phone company to have him blocked from my cell phone... dunno if that's possible. He said he wants to keep me as a friend, but... friends don't lie to each other... so, no.
2sure Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 His whole reply, translated into MM Affair Speak: Stop Talking. Simple as that. Thats not what you're there for. I'm not being harsh, and am speaking from my own experience. Its fine to talk, sure...but no hard questions.
Spark1111 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Good responses, LS posters. It also means, stop pressuring me (like anyone in an intimate relationship may expect). You are the fun fantasy in my life. I am not grown up enough to meet your needs. You are there to meet mine. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Block his number from your phone. Find a mature man who values your needs and feelings, is willing to commit to you, not lie to you, or keep secrets from you. Based on your texts, you already suspect he has another piece on the side. Why would you want him? You do not trust him.
Awesome84 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I mean this in the most nicest way: Why would you interrogate him about seeing someone else when you two are not in a committed relationship??? He has a wife so she is the only person that he should have to answer these types of questions. SM and MM... hate when women do this to them. If your ok with the affair... relax. If not... your biggest worry is 'his wife' not some OW.
Author willing Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 I mean this in the most nicest way: Why would you interrogate him about seeing someone else when you two are not in a committed relationship??? He has a wife so she is the only person that he should have to answer these types of questions. You are quite right. And -- I ended it with him in early March... got back together once in April, once in May... not happening in June... not even gonna be 'friends', since that's what leads to it happening after I ended it! SM and MM... hate when women do this to them. If your ok with the affair... relax. If not... your biggest worry is 'his wife' not some OW. Single men hate being asked by their lover if they have another woman on the side?
fooled once Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Yeah, I was confused as to why it was a big deal if he was sleeping with someone else too since he is a known cheater and he has a wife and you are the OW -- what is the big deal if he has another OW in addition to you. Sounds like a player and a tool. You deserve to not have sloppy seconds from anyone -- every single woman deserves to have the man their are with be COMMITTED to them; not to someone else.
Author willing Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Yeah, I was confused as to why it was a big deal if he was sleeping with someone else too since he is a known cheater and he has a wife and you are the OW -- what is the big deal if he has another OW in addition to you. I didn't understand what exactly he meant by 'not answering to anyone', which is why I posted here... When he has asked me if I was seeing someone, I told him the truth, then I have since asked him... got the feeling there was some untruths being told... (yes, hardly surprising) but, I don't like to be friends with someone who is lying to my face, since I don't lie to him... I even told him I didn't mind if he DID have someone else to sleep with, especially since I finally came to my senses and ended our A... I think the point is, I don't want to be lied to anymore, by a man, about sleeping with OW... been there, done that... I do like him, he has good qualities about him, but -- I cannot be friends with him since 1) It's inappropriate after our A. 2) He thinks nothing of lying to me, despite me telling him truths. I do expect the same back, or else I walk away. He and his W lie to each other, and good for them, they have accepted that, and expect nothing better than saying 'whatever they like at the time' -- seems easiest to say. I don't want a friend like that.
White Flower Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I mean this in the most nicest way: Why would you interrogate him about seeing someone else when you two are not in a committed relationship??? He has a wife so she is the only person that he should have to answer these types of questions. SM and MM... hate when women do this to them. If your ok with the affair... relax. If not... your biggest worry is 'his wife' not some OW. I don't care if the man is married or not. If he tells me I am the first affair he's ever had he better be telling me the truth. If I'm the 5th, it better be the truth. Lie to me and I'll f*** you over. I don't lie to you. Look, anyone who has the privilege to sleep with you ought to be telling you the truth. I know the idea behind the logic is that if he's lying to his wife then he'll lie to anybody but I still believe the truth can be demanded and should be. Follow up on every clue and if it's still worth it, put it on the table. Willing, I think your MM gets off on being the hero. It gets on his nerves when they all need him at once, but when he can be there one at a time he enjoys watching their hearts break for him. He's an egomaniac. I love women but they, including my wife, are so emotional which is a double sided coin cuz thats what makes them beautiful also. If they can fix it, they can be the hero. Since you ended it, he can't fix it. He needs to find someone who cries over him again.
Awesome84 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Single men hate being asked by their lover if they have another woman on the side? I meant they hate it when you accuse them of things that aren't true. Like interrogate them. If you have proof then thats a different story and you have every right. With a MM, you kind of do not have that right.
Awesome84 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Look, anyone who has the privilege to sleep with you ought to be telling you the truth. Agreed. At the same time, if she can't trust him, what's the point of being in an A with him? BUT.... at the same time A's are probably a BIG bag of mistrust anyway. I don't know though cause I've never been in an A. Almost... but didn't. I gotta be # 1.
Author willing Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by White Flower Look, anyone who has the privilege to sleep with you ought to be telling you the truth. Agreed. At the same time, if she can't trust him, what's the point of being in an A with him? BUT.... at the same time A's are probably a BIG bag of mistrust anyway. I don't know though cause I've never been in an A. Almost... but didn't. I gotta be # 1. I think he is a conflict avoider. I also believe he has intimacy issues... that he cannot be emotionally intimate. Months ago, he and his W attended a wedding abroad, whilst there she tried to get close to him, and he panicked (?!) because when he got back he was suddenly unavailable to me, and when I tried to find out what was going on with him, he became more distant. I believed he was having another A, pressed him, and he admitted he was, because his wife, then I, was pushing him too much... and he ran (to an old ex-OW). He then apologized to me and promised not to lie to me again. I have ended it with him... back in March... we were seeing each other several times a week up until then. As I have said, he says he wants me as a friend. I like him too, but get the feeling he is seeing someone else (good for him), but lying to me about it. Awesome, you mentioned if I have 'proof'... well, I could get proof by going out of my way to see what he was up to... but I don't want to go there... I don't want to care what he is up to. I don't want to 'catch him' in a lie. It's clear he is emotionally intimate -avoidant... hence having affairs on his W. It's not his wife's actions that makes him seek OW... it's him not being able to deal with getting too close to his W... he still feels the sting of her falling in love with OM when they were living apart for 18 months, years ago... I guess the way he deals with it, is to ensure that he is not 100% involved. I like him but don't see how it's possible to be friends with someone who is willing to lie to your face, especially when it is not necessary to do so (if he has an OW, it's ok, we are broken up, I have also assured him I just want the truth from him, like he gets from me.) I guess his text of 'not answering to anyone' includes not answering my question of his having an A. I could delve in and get solid proof, and confront him with it, but to what purpose? My gut feeling is what it is, and it was right before -- when he came back from his trip with his W and I said I felt he was having an A with someone else -- he denied it for a few days, then admitted it ... I guess I do know him to a certain extent.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Why on earth would you settle for such table scraps from him? He is a liar and a cheater and he wants what he wants. If you are willing to be his OW, do as he says, meet him on HIS terms, and act a certain way (don't question him, ask him anything that might cause a negative reaction) then yeah, continue doing this to yourself. You know he's married, and now you know he's got another OW. I really hope for your own sake you END IT and walk away. This guy totally treats you like crap, disrespects you. HE doesn't love you, his actions show you this.
White Flower Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by White Flower Look, anyone who has the privilege to sleep with you ought to be telling you the truth. I think he is a conflict avoider. I also believe he has intimacy issues... that he cannot be emotionally intimate. Months ago, he and his W attended a wedding abroad, whilst there she tried to get close to him, and he panicked (?!) because when he got back he was suddenly unavailable to me, and when I tried to find out what was going on with him, he became more distant. I believed he was having another A, pressed him, and he admitted he was, because his wife, then I, was pushing him too much... and he ran (to an old ex-OW). He then apologized to me and promised not to lie to me again. I have ended it with him... back in March... we were seeing each other several times a week up until then. As I have said, he says he wants me as a friend. I like him too, but get the feeling he is seeing someone else (good for him), but lying to me about it. Awesome, you mentioned if I have 'proof'... well, I could get proof by going out of my way to see what he was up to... but I don't want to go there... I don't want to care what he is up to. I don't want to 'catch him' in a lie. It's clear he is emotionally intimate -avoidant... hence having affairs on his W. It's not his wife's actions that makes him seek OW... it's him not being able to deal with getting too close to his W... he still feels the sting of her falling in love with OM when they were living apart for 18 months, years ago... I guess the way he deals with it, is to ensure that he is not 100% involved. I like him but don't see how it's possible to be friends with someone who is willing to lie to your face, especially when it is not necessary to do so (if he has an OW, it's ok, we are broken up, I have also assured him I just want the truth from him, like he gets from me.) I guess his text of 'not answering to anyone' includes not answering my question of his having an A. I could delve in and get solid proof, and confront him with it, but to what purpose? My gut feeling is what it is, and it was right before -- when he came back from his trip with his W and I said I felt he was having an A with someone else -- he denied it for a few days, then admitted it ... I guess I do know him to a certain extent. The bolded parts say it all. Good luck.
Gamine Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 So often we are told exactly what the OM is prepared to do (or not) in a relationship, but being the eternal optimists we overlook their message... The following texts sent from me to OM and replies from him. What do you think he means in his last text, particularly the 'answering to' part, but also the general meaning overall? Me: Tell me, do you have another woman? OM: You keep asking me, no I don't. Me: I am trying hard NOT to want to find out if and who you are seeing. Part of it is not wanting to be told untruths. Part Curiosity. And part Understanding. You do know I would tell you if you asked me if I was seeing someone. OM you have a part of my heart. OM: You insist on me seeing someone my problem is mentally i just like not answering to anyone. I love women but they, including my wife, are so emotional which is a double sided coin cuz thats what makes them beautiful also. It seems to me he is telling you it is none of your business. You know that he already has another woman (his wife) so what you are really asking is whether he has replaced you or has added additional woman to the mix. It seems to me that if you believe him capable of this (in addition to having a wife) then you had better start seeing him not as the 'lover' but as an opportunist and even... perhaps as a user. Don't allow anyone to ever use you. You are worth much, much more than that. Exercise your power as a woman and walk away like a lioness.
Author willing Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 The bolded parts say it all. Good luck. It seems to me he is telling you it is none of your business. You are worth much, much more than that. Exercise your power as a woman and walk away like a lioness. Yes, thank you Gamine, WWIU and White Flower -- that about covers it all -- he lies, he tells me 'not to get into his business' (his not answering to anyone), yet he claims he still wants me as a friend, but really -- all that matters to him is HIS reality (i.e. he is narcissistic). Also, clearly, he lacks the ability to have an intimate relationship, and having affairs is his flight from intimacy. He takes the easy way out. I can see he is simply not worth the trouble. He does what he does. He even told me, quite clearly, at the beginning of our relationship, when I was asking him WHY he was doing this to his wife, he stated that if it was not with me, it would be with somebody else... well, here's the somebody else. Why be surprised? He simply is not capable of being anymore giving of himself... not to his wife, not to his old ex-OWomen, not to me, not to his new OW. What he does in a relationship, is he keeps himself distanced. That is what OM means...
Recommended Posts