Onionskin Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I am 28 years old and I have never been single. I started in relationships when I was 17. I adore my live-in boyfriend of 5 years but I often feel like I am missing out on the time to myself that everyone else but me seems to have had. I can never seem to make decisions about anything. My bf tends to baby me as well, which has made me very dependant. I know he is only trying to look after me, but it has effected me badly. I can't seem to do anything for myself. I feel constantly lost, and I don't like the person I am. What should I do? I can't stop thinking about breaking free. He is a wonderful man who has done nothing to warrant this happening to him, and he adores me. I keep trying to tell myself "it's not his life, it's MINE" but I cannot stop thinking about how devastated he would be. He thinks feelings like this (i.e. finding yourself) are a "cop out", "excuses" and a "load of rubbish". Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 You know, I fully understand where you're coming from. Wanting what you want, but being afraid that you'll hurt someone else by being supposedly "selfish." But you know what? You can't spend your life people-pleasing. It's not your job to make him happy. The longer you stay with him feeling the way you're feeling, the sooner you will start to resent him from keeping you from this grand life you imagine. You're so young - if you're feeling restless, it's time to explore it NOW. Not after 10 years of marriage after the anger and resentment has built up by being locked into a life that you weren't ready for. I 100% believe that you can't give all of who you are to a relationship (which is what everybody deserves) if you're not even sure WHO you are. It sounds like you're still exploring that. Now is the time to be "selfish." (I had to add - I just noticed you're 28. I took the age 17 and added the "5 years" of live-in boyfriend and assumed you were 22. I'm sorry. LOL But yes - I still think you're at a great age to figure out exactly who you are and what you want. Don't let anyone talk you out of that, or I swear you'll end up resenting that person.)
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 BS. This man treas you like a queen there is no defining reason to leave this man for other than you want space. but check it, when you was on your own in between boyfriends why didnt you have the compunction to stay single then? Why now that you have a good life that your willing to change that? boredom, life crisis? What's the reason? I tell you this much you let him go, your going to regret it, trying to get into other relationships in the long run because they might not measure up. I kinda understand where your coming from but it's not like this man is beating you or cheating, why must you leave to be independant. You can do that and still be with him, see what im saying? Dont be foolish because if you wont have him another woman will... I'm just calling like i see it.
likeORIGAMI Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 You don't know what you've got until you've lost it. You've taken him for granted.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I think you should cut him loose. It is not fair to either of you to drag this out only to have it end in the same way down the road a ways when you both have a lot more invested.
hopefulInFuture Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I once read that being married to someone for 20-30-40-50 and so on years is like being married to several different people. We all change. We daily discover that we like new things or we no longer like things we used to like. This is about the constant growth and exploration of the life's wonderful opportunities. I think that the matter of the fact is that you're affraid of being yourself with this person. You should learn how to be yourself. If you are feeling that you're sacrificing something by being with him it means that you are not being yourself. Now, this could mean that he's not right for you although you feel that he treats you well, or this could mean that you're hiding your true self from him and from others. You should be able to be yourself even when being in a relationship. You should not be affraid of showing who you are. I don't agree that you should break up with him because this is how you feel. I think you should start working on yourself while you are with him because down the line you might regret it one day. What makes you think that he does not want you to be who you want to be? Maybe, he's even goes to support these changes in you? Remember that we are constantly changing. Are you going to get out of your long-term relationships every 5 years? If I remember I read that approximately every 5 years our personality changes significantly. Learn to be yourself, whether you're single or not.
grogster Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Listen to yourself. You want out. Leave him. Staying with someone out of some sense of obligation is not love: it's self-denial.
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