jcraig Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I've been with the same girl for over 3 years now, and we're as serious as you can possibly be without being married. She has a five year old son from a past relationship and we both share parental duties. Here's my dilemma: Recently (about 1 1/2 years ago), through Myspace and Facebook, she "friended" an ex-boyfriend from high school that broke up with her ten years ago when he moved to another state. They've met up since then and had their "closure." Well, he's now back in the picture, having moved back here, worked at the same place she has, then leaving again. Now, he's moving back "for good", going to resume working at the same place as her, and she's very excited about it. Despite all of her reassurances that there is nothing but friendship between them, I find myself depressed and anxious that something might happen. it's not a trust issue, as she's never given me any reason to not trust her. It's the fact that we're all HUMAN, and things happen. I wasn't THAT concerned with it until we were talking about it one night, and she revealed to me that she has a special "connection" with this guy; like a sister has with a brother. Since that point, I've felt that I have to share her with someone else. I thought *we* had a special connection; I thought that part of being in a relationship was not having to share that connection with anyone. The guy is a nice guy, granted. He's fun to hang out with and is one of those charismatic personalities that lights up a room. But I still feel VERY uneasy about this whole thing, and I can't help it. But at the same time, I don't want her to resent me if I bring up limiting her access to him (something I can't really do since they'll be working together again). How do I handle this? I'm very depressed and feel almost like I'm being unreasonable about this. Am I?
RunawayTrain Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I don't think that you are unreasonable in the least bit. I would be uneasy if I were you. I am of the mindset that exes are exes for a reason. In my opinion I think it is very disrespectful that she kinda rekindled a friendship with her ex. If you reversed the roles how exactly would she feel ? Would she experience the same feelings you are experiencing if you out of the blue started to talking to one of your ex girlfriends ? I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel and what is bothering you. Gauge her reaction. Express your concerns. Communication is key. I wish you the best of luck.
Author jcraig Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 I don't think that you are unreasonable in the least bit. I would be uneasy if I were you. I am of the mindset that exes are exes for a reason. In my opinion I think it is very disrespectful that she kinda rekindled a friendship with her ex. If you reversed the roles how exactly would she feel ? Would she experience the same feelings you are experiencing if you out of the blue started to talking to one of your ex girlfriends ? I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel and what is bothering you. Gauge her reaction. Express your concerns. Communication is key. I wish you the best of luck. We have talked about it quite a bit, and I've definitely let her know about how uneasy I felt about the entire thing. Her reaction has always been nurturing and calm, assuring me that it's just a friendship and that it holds no candle to what we have. In order to keep our otherwise- excellent relationship in good shape, I backed off. I find myself, however, making little jokes about it to her whenever she jumps on Facebook and starts chatting with him ("Oh... talking to your boyfriend, I see"). Granted, it doesn't happen that frequently, but he *is* moving back and getting his job back, so they'll be working together again. What really worries me is about how excited she is about this (and she's shared that with me), and that this time he's staying "for good." The kicker was that word- "connection." Now I feel that I'm somewhat lacking in the fulfillment department. If I can't give her everything she needs, why even be together? I've even brought that up before, and she once again reassured me that I fulfill her every need, even though she has a "connection" with this guy. When I bring this up tonight, she'll go the usual reassuring and nurturing route. I just don't want her to resent me when I tell her my feelings. If that resentment rears its ugly head, it's over. That'll tell me all I need to know about how much fulfillment our relationship gives her. It's all or nothing now. Do I tell her that she cannot talk to this guy anymore (even though they'll be working together again), or do I grill her about this supposed "connection?" I'm at my wit's end here...
RunawayTrain Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 We have talked about it quite a bit, and I've definitely let her know about how uneasy I felt about the entire thing. Her reaction has always been nurturing and calm, assuring me that it's just a friendship and that it holds no candle to what we have. In order to keep our otherwise- excellent relationship in good shape, I backed off. I find myself, however, making little jokes about it to her whenever she jumps on Facebook and starts chatting with him ("Oh... talking to your boyfriend, I see"). Granted, it doesn't happen that frequently, but he *is* moving back and getting his job back, so they'll be working together again. What really worries me is about how excited she is about this (and she's shared that with me), and that this time he's staying "for good." The kicker was that word- "connection." Now I feel that I'm somewhat lacking in the fulfillment department. If I can't give her everything she needs, why even be together? I've even brought that up before, and she once again reassured me that I fulfill her every need, even though she has a "connection" with this guy. When I bring this up tonight, she'll go the usual reassuring and nurturing route. I just don't want her to resent me when I tell her my feelings. If that resentment rears its ugly head, it's over. That'll tell me all I need to know about how much fulfillment our relationship gives her. It's all or nothing now. Do I tell her that she cannot talk to this guy anymore (even though they'll be working together again), or do I grill her about this supposed "connection?" I'm at my wit's end here... Well you never know until you actually try. Let me put it this way. If you don't push the issue in fear of her resentment, worst case scenario is that she rekindles her fire with her old flame and you will be left hurt and bewildered, even more than you are now. My personal opinion is that you should push the issue and sit down and have a serious yet stern heart to heart with her and set boundaries and let her know that you think it is not ok to be so close to her ex boyfriend. I know it is out of her hands that they will be working together but I hate to say it, that in itself is a recipe for disaster. I don't really know the semantics of the relationship so I don't know if she has ever given you a reason not to trust her. I am speaking from experience that while in a relationship keeping a friendship with an ex significant other does more harm then good.
Author jcraig Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Well you never know until you actually try. Let me put it this way. If you don't push the issue in fear of her resentment, worst case scenario is that she rekindles her fire with her old flame and you will be left hurt and bewildered, even more than you are now. My personal opinion is that you should push the issue and sit down and have a serious yet stern heart to heart with her and set boundaries and let her know that you think it is not ok to be so close to her ex boyfriend. I know it is out of her hands that they will be working together but I hate to say it, that in itself is a recipe for disaster. I don't really know the semantics of the relationship so I don't know if she has ever given you a reason not to trust her. I am speaking from experience that while in a relationship keeping a friendship with an ex significant other does more harm then good. She hasn't given me any reason to mistrust her in any way. We actually have a very good relationship, full of trust and love. But I feel somewhat lost as to why our own connection is so unfulfilling to her that she has to establish one with someone else. Yeah... *sigh*... nothing I can do about the work situation. The fact that it even happened, and her denial of having anything to do with it, raises a LOT of flags with me. it's not that I don't believe her; it's that I don't trust HIM. My plan is to let it all out tonight and let her know what I truly feel about this whole thing. If she feels she has to share herself in a way that involves another man, especially an ex-boyfriend, that something is missing from our relationship and she'll have to figure it out. Or else we cannot continue. And I'll be laying out some boundaries, such as no drinks after work, even when there are other people there, without me being there. No going to meet up with him and his sister, even if I don't feel like going. It has to be that way to ensure our relationship stays strong. Any resentment on her part will show me what's more important to her. But she'll have to understand that this is what I need for us to continue. Hell, for all I know, he could be coming back to try and re-engage his relationship with her, all the while misleading her about their friendship. And that he may be using this so-called "connection" to take advantage of and manipulate the situation. There are just too many "coincidences" for this to be just a benign thing... Thanks for the advice. I feel better already.
RunawayTrain Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 She hasn't given me any reason to mistrust her in any way. We actually have a very good relationship, full of trust and love. But I feel somewhat lost as to why our own connection is so unfulfilling to her that she has to establish one with someone else. Yeah... *sigh*... nothing I can do about the work situation. The fact that it even happened, and her denial of having anything to do with it, raises a LOT of flags with me. it's not that I don't believe her; it's that I don't trust HIM. My plan is to let it all out tonight and let her know what I truly feel about this whole thing. If she feels she has to share herself in a way that involves another man, especially an ex-boyfriend, that something is missing from our relationship and she'll have to figure it out. Or else we cannot continue. And I'll be laying out some boundaries, such as no drinks after work, even when there are other people there, without me being there. No going to meet up with him and his sister, even if I don't feel like going. It has to be that way to ensure our relationship stays strong. Any resentment on her part will show me what's more important to her. But she'll have to understand that this is what I need for us to continue. Hell, for all I know, he could be coming back to try and re-engage his relationship with her, all the while misleading her about their friendship. And that he may be using this so-called "connection" to take advantage of and manipulate the situation. There are just too many "coincidences" for this to be just a benign thing... Thanks for the advice. I feel better already. You hit the nail on the head. Your wifes intentions might turn out to be somewhat harmless with just a friendship with her ex boyfriend however his intentions are something to be weary of. That is why I think you should nip this in the bud before it really gets out of hand. The one good thing is that your wife from what you are describing is receptive to opening dialogue in reference to this matter. That is a good sign. I for one would feel severely uncomfortable hanging out or even being in the same vicinity as my signficant others ex boyfriend, you shouldn't have to be put in that uncomfortable situation either. Explain that to her. Let your concerns be known. Try not to come off as controlling however verbalize calmly everything you relayed to me in this post about the relationship and her need to seek solace from her ex boyfriend. Keep me updated !
stace79 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 We have talked about it quite a bit, and I've definitely let her know about how uneasy I felt about the entire thing. Her reaction has always been nurturing and calm, assuring me that it's just a friendship and that it holds no candle to what we have. In order to keep our otherwise- excellent relationship in good shape, I backed off. I find myself, however, making little jokes about it to her whenever she jumps on Facebook and starts chatting with him ("Oh... talking to your boyfriend, I see"). Granted, it doesn't happen that frequently, but he *is* moving back and getting his job back, so they'll be working together again. What really worries me is about how excited she is about this (and she's shared that with me), and that this time he's staying "for good." The kicker was that word- "connection." Now I feel that I'm somewhat lacking in the fulfillment department. If I can't give her everything she needs, why even be together? I've even brought that up before, and she once again reassured me that I fulfill her every need, even though she has a "connection" with this guy. When I bring this up tonight, she'll go the usual reassuring and nurturing route. I just don't want her to resent me when I tell her my feelings. If that resentment rears its ugly head, it's over. That'll tell me all I need to know about how much fulfillment our relationship gives her. It's all or nothing now. Do I tell her that she cannot talk to this guy anymore (even though they'll be working together again), or do I grill her about this supposed "connection?" I'm at my wit's end here... You are not happy with this relationship now. If you do not talk to her and tell her how serious you are about this, YOU will be the one with resentment and it will not work out anyway. If being friends with her ex is more important than the solid relationship she has built with you, then you have your answer right there. I say, say your piece to her and if you don't get the desired response, pack up and move on. Life is too short to waste time on people who don't make you happy.
Bryanp Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I doubt if the roles were reversed and you hung out with a beautiful charismatic ex girlfriend who you have a special connection with, your wife would accept such crap from you. This is a huge problem and will only get worse. Your wife's close friend should not be an ex boyfriend who she has a special connection with. You don't need to be a genius to figure this one out. Again if the roles were reversed I doubt she would put up with it and be so accepting as you have been. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes.
MichiganMan222 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 You're in a tough situation. I feel bad for you and know exactly how you feel. A long-time-ego ex of my girlfriend requested friends on Facebook with her. I don't think it would've bothered me except for the history of those two. Any other ex but him would've not bothered me a bit. Perhaps the connection-thing. Whenever she had relationship problems, she would run into his arms. She hasn't seen him in years, but I know all about him from her. Like you, I expressed my severe pause over it, however, I got a much better response. My girlfriend was mortified and immediately removed him, apologizing up and down to me for even considering it. If we were in your situation, I honestly think she would quit her job rather than risk damaging our relationship. I'm certain of it. I wish you all the best and hope your girl realizes soon what she's doing to you and you and your relationship.
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