missy555 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 i feel like i just took 10 steps back in 15 mins. Argh.. Quick summary 4 year relationship filled with one infidelity (his) and immense lack of trust (mine) and ended with violence (his) I decided to break up with him two months ago We were both NC for about three weeks. Until he called and validated the truth about on some issues we had before. (issues he thought i was lying about) That opened up the gates of contact... five days later..... i went over to his place to pick up stuff that i had left.... and that went peacefully Then I had a heavy family crisis this past week.... that i needed to share with him (i was extremely vulnerable) So he invited me to a day at the spa (he paid for everything) we had a good peaceful time. Nothing physical happened. Then today i bring up something more vulnerable and i regret it. (btw...he called me to chat about a big purchase) I asked him to lay down the cards on where we stood? I asked if he was open to other relationships at the current moment? He got all upset...saying that it I HAD BROKEN up with him. That how could i ask that...and for him the timing of my question seem suspicious. (due to an important event that is happening tonight with plenty of temptation) He in the end after much discussion said to me "things are different this time and he knows he has to work on himself before getting into any relationship" I know i should be happy to hear that BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE an idiot for asking. I feel like such an idiot for making myself so vulnerable again and part of me just wants to go back to NC, to gain some strength again. Gawd i wish i could go back in time to an hour ago. I don't know what to do.... its like i suddenly showed him how scared i am and he made it seem like once again...i wasn't trusting him nor us ...nor the process of healing. I feel like he is going to back away now. What should i do?
Beeotch Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 To be honest: this sounds like a horrible situation and one of those where you have to really slap yourself and realize that your emotions and feelings often lead you astray. The relationship ending in violence? His infidelity?Lack of trust? I am sorry, but all those are the makings of a disaster and are things that are usually never resolved. I think this is where you need to pack up your troubles and move on! Miracles happen...but they are very rare and I know how it feels to delude yourself...but delusions are only comforting for but so long before you realize the inevitable. You already admitted your vulnerability...you have to remind yourself to think with your head and not your feelings especially not vulnerable ones. You need to find a good friend or group of friends (even online friends) or a family member to confide in versus calling your ex for every little thing...it just sucks you back into this unhealthy cycle.You have to recognize the cycle and stop it... It is true what they say about breaking NC...a lot of times it only makes you feel better for a short time but usually it often just ends up making things worst. I think that you perhaps KNOW that this is not an ideal relationship and that you are a great woman who deserves to be in a good relationship WITHOUT violence and infidelity. Do not fool yourself into thinking he is the last and only man on earth....he IS NOT. This relationship is not peachy and trust and believe that you CAN and WILL find a better one if you give yourself time to mature and to realize your worth and what went wrong here. You should continue NC and get support from others and also work on yourself, as it seems that you have things you need to deal with within yourself that will help you grow. I can't see getting back with this man and speaking to him as anything good and I think you already know this.You just miss the comfort...but see how you feel now? think about that everytime the urge comes up on you...9/10 times talking to him and hanging out with him will not do any good. Don't be fooled by the one or 2 instances of peace and everything being fine...because that is going to last a short while before something happens again that makes you feel like shyt. Do you really want to go through that? taking 20 steps back every week? NC is not that bad....it is not fun but overtime you realize it is more freeing and way less hurt than constantly speaking to this person,rehashing things and hurting all over again. You don't need to beat yourself up....people slip...it's fine.You just need to always remember what you need to do and go back to it.
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