DarkestDreams Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I know the topic of who should be paying and when has been discussed to death, but I’m interested in how it pertains to the first date. I’ve been doing online dating lately and I have noticed that a lot of men do not pay for the first date. I don’t consider this to be necessarily a sign of lack of interest, since some of them ask for a second date. Since the man asks me out, plans the date within his means and I agree to it, shouldn’t he expect to pay? I’m always willing to pay for my share, it’s not a question of money, but one of dating etiquette. When the bill comes, I reach for my wallet and I am ready to pay, regardless of my level of interest in the person. Some of the guys have no problem accepting it. I do say “some”, because I’ve had men who felt insulted at the idea. Most women will offer to pay only when they’re not interested in a second date, so I think I might send the wrong signal. So ladies, do you offer to pay your share on a first date or not?
luvbugged Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Usually I pay for something after the official date - like coffee or drinks. I have no expectation that he HAS to pay for the dinner and always take my own credit/cash but I've noticed that I am more keen to offer to pay when I feel more insecure about how the date went.
Cora Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I always expect to pay for my share. I feel guilty if I don't. But it all depends on the guy as well. One guy I dated would not allow me to pay for my share of the first date. The last guy I dated....the first time we went out we were to meet at the movie theater. He sent me a text asking if I was almost there and that he was there waiting in the lobby....already purchased HIS ticket and everything. So yeah that time I had no choice but to pay for my own which was okay sine I planned on it anyway. I guess everyone is different though.
lora22 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Rule of thumb is, the person who asks for the date should plan on paying for it. Therefore, I always go prepared to pay for myself, just in case, but generally don't offer for the first date, unless I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. Then I still don't offer to pay for myself flat out, but will offer to leave a tip, or pay for drinks; if we do dinner and a movie, I'll let him pay for dinner and offer to pay for the movie; that kind of thing. If it's just a movie I'll let him buy tickets and offer to buy snacks. If it's a more casual date, like going for drinks, if he doesn't open a tab right away (indicating he's planning on paying) I'll offer to buy the next round... So I guess what I'm saying is I'm pretty "traditional," and I don't feel comfortable splitting a check (like for dinner), but don't mind paying for other things. I just think it's tacky to split a check on a first date.
sally4sara Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I let the server know when we order our meals that it will be on separate checks. This lets my date know I intend to pay my way and it clearly has nothing to do with my disappointment about the date. Its too early in the night for it to be a sign that I am not interested and it saves the stupid argument commonly had when the check comes. It also lets the guy know he can't impress me with money (if that might be an intention of his) and he will need to rely on something else to impress me. On top of that, should the date not go so well I won't have to listen to some guy have a tantrum about any money he spent. The only time I find it okay to let someone else pay my bill is if I have expressed that the event is beyond my current monetary situation and the person inviting me decides it is worth it to them to help me be their company for the event, or it's my b-day.
eiithan Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I always pay for my share. But if the guy insists he'll take care of it, I may retreat and cover the coffee/dessert afterwards.
donnamaybe Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 If I was invited, no. But there have been a couple times I did the inviting, and I did pay. It's only fair.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Depends on the situation. Sometimes I will offer to buy the drinks..if we go out again I will offer to pay for something. First dates are a little tricky. I usually try not to go on big sit down dinners for first dates.
EddieN Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I never even "fake reach" on the first date. I remember an episode of Seinfeld where George was complaining that this new woman he was dating never even did the "fake reach." "I'm telling ya Jerry, all I'm asking for is a reach for the check! That's all! I'll gladly cover it, but I just want a reach!" I would feel the same way, even with the first date. Even though I'm short on money at the moment, I don't see many girls and when I do I like them a lot so I would gladly pay, but I wouldn't like it if the girl feels it's my obligation to pay and doesn't even look at the check. If she doesn't even look at the check, then let me tell you, she'd better be doing something else later that night.
sally4sara Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I remember an episode of Seinfeld where George was complaining that this new woman he was dating never even did the "fake reach." "I'm telling ya Jerry, all I'm asking for is a reach for the check! That's all! I'll gladly cover it, but I just want a reach!" I would feel the same way, even with the first date. Even though I'm short on money at the moment, I don't see many girls and when I do I like them a lot so I would gladly pay, but I wouldn't like it if the girl feels it's my obligation to pay and doesn't even look at the check. If she doesn't even look at the check, then let me tell you, she'd better be doing something else later that night. You've nicely illustrated why I handle things the way I do.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I should qualify my statement of never paying. I pay for the entire shot, if I don't want to see him again.
2sure Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I'm married coming up on 4 years now...but plenty of dating experience before that. At first , I never reached. Then as I was dating more often (different guys) I felt guilty about it , especially if I did not anticipate wanting a 2nd date. So, I reached. The guy was literally offended. So, I started making sure first dates were kept very casual, so I wouldnt feel guilty about not paying for an expensive outing. After reading so much here...and sympathizing with the men who pay for possibly many first dates...I kind of think it may be a burden. Probably best to keep first dates casual and inexpensive.
EddieN Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You've nicely illustrated why I handle things the way I do. Haha, I just read what you wrote before, and yeah, that is a smart way. And if the guy really likes you and wants to treat you to something, he could always get you drinks or something afterwards. But do guys seriously have tantrums about the money they spent? Hell, I remember one time I went out with a girl to this festival and bought both of out $30 tickets before she arrived ($30 is a lot for me for one night). Long story short, it was boring as hell. I really wanted to get out of it quickly. I NEVER looked at that night as a waste of 30 (or 60) dollars, and there's no way I would have had a tantrum.
alphamale Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 So ladies, do you offer to pay your share on a first date or not? my experience is that many women on the first date will conveniently hit the bathroom for 10 minutes just after dinner is done and the check is about to come. whats up with that? i was gonna pay anyways.
sally4sara Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Haha, I just read what you wrote before, and yeah, that is a smart way. And if the guy really likes you and wants to treat you to something, he could always get you drinks or something afterwards. But do guys seriously have tantrums about the money they spent? Hell, I remember one time I went out with a girl to this festival and bought both of out $30 tickets before she arrived ($30 is a lot for me for one night). Long story short, it was boring as hell. I really wanted to get out of it quickly. I NEVER looked at that night as a waste of 30 (or 60) dollars, and there's no way I would have had a tantrum. Yup. Usually happens when you decline a second date. So I stopped following the inviter pays for the invitee method. Ive also learned that guys who spend a lot on first dates often have ulterior motives. Motives that lead to tantrums when things don't go down (no pun intended ) the way they hoped.
Author DarkestDreams Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Just to clarify some things..The dates usually consist of coffee or drinks, as a rule of thumb I don't like to go to dinner for a first date. The tab is let's say 20$ on average if we go for drinks, which is not something that I consider expensive. I said that the man plans the date within his means, so if he asks for coffee, we go for coffee. I just find it very odd that the men have no problem letting me pay for my share. It's first date, he invited me, he should pay. When I offer and he declines, I will always pick up the whole bill on the second date. From that point on, we take turns in paying. I have invited men out in the past and I did foot the bill, since I was the one extending the invitation (I did have to fight them for it, though). Men deserve to be treated once in a while, I don't have a problem with it. I don't know, I guess I find it common courtesy for the man to pay on the first date.
Author DarkestDreams Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I would feel the same way, even with the first date. Even though I'm short on money at the moment, I don't see many girls and when I do I like them a lot so I would gladly pay, but I wouldn't like it if the girl feels it's my obligation to pay and doesn't even look at the check. If she doesn't even look at the check, then let me tell you, she'd better be doing something else later that night. I think that if you're going to pay, it's tacky for her to look at the bill. I never do that.
sally4sara Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Just to clarify some things..The dates usually consist of coffee or drinks, as a rule of thumb I don't like to go to dinner for a first date. The tab is let's say 20$ on average if we go for drinks, which is not something that I consider expensive. I said that the man plans the date within his means, so if he asks for coffee, we go for coffee. I just find it very odd that the men have no problem letting me pay for my share. It's first date, he invited me, he should pay. When I offer and he declines, I will always pick up the whole bill on the second date. From that point on, we take turns in paying. I have invited men out in the past and I did foot the bill, since I was the one extending the invitation (I did have to fight them for it, though). Men deserve to be treated once in a while, I don't have a problem with it. I don't know, I guess I find it common courtesy for the man to pay on the first date. To me, getting coffee is something very common. I do it with friends and I rarely expect my friends to buy my coffee. I have ran into too many problems with the getting coffee thing because of its very casual and frequent nature. It isn't a date to me. I feel it is used in place of an actual date because it can mask intentions so easily. Someone says "lets get coffee". So you go and it's nice but that's all. One can then use the fact that it was just coffee to hide what intentions they had. It has really lent to a cowardice in dating lately. No one seems willing to put themselves out there. I don't date anymore, but I remember the confusion cause with this style of dating. My friends still complain about it. Maybe others have some advise on how to avoid these things with the coffeehouse setting.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Yup, I also don't consider coffee, a date. As for fast food...yuck...pure fat and wasted calories! For that matter, beyond the strange circumstance of what happened with my fiance, it's always been dinner, on the first date.
EddieN Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I think that if you're going to pay, it's tacky for her to look at the bill. I never do that. I don't see how that's tacky. Unless while looking/reaching for it you say, "Mmmm, that lobster and fillet mignon was sooooo good...I wonder if it was really $50..." then it would just be a respectful thing to do. I don't know, maybe I'm just saying this because I don't have much money now. Maybe in a few years when I have a good job and am better off and don't have to cringe at throwing $60-$100 down for dinner, then I'll instantly pay it and then throw a few $20's at waiters on my way out.
loser101 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 After reading so much here...and sympathizing with the men who pay for possibly many first dates...I kind of think it may be a burden. Probably best to keep first dates casual and inexpensive. precisely. I always pay my share, no matter how many dates. partly because the men are often younger than me and I am at least as affluent as they are and partly because I don't want to owe anyone anything. 50-50 in every respect
Author DarkestDreams Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I don't see how that's tacky. Unless while looking/reaching for it you say, "Mmmm, that lobster and fillet mignon was sooooo good...I wonder if it was really $50..." then it would just be a respectful thing to do. The gesture itself, without any comments, is disrespectful in my opinion. If it's someone else's treat, whether it's a date or just between friends, by looking at the bill you're more or less saying "Mmm..let me look on how much you spent on me, so I can keep tabs". It's a treat, smile, say thank you and make sure you get the next one.
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