I think I can't wait

[bluewolf17]

So after a long weekend, and giving my ex TB and I a lot of thought, I just don't think I can "wait and see". I would love to be able to do that, and have dinner and drinks with him, and talk on the phone (like he wants) but he still doesn't really know what he wants from me. And "waiting and seeing" doesn't really mean anything. I deserve to be a priority, not a option (like Caliguy says).

 

My question is, how do I go about telling him..do I have to? We last spoke on Friday. He really didn't want to have the "talk" and he ended the conversation saying we would talk soon, and I just needed to relax and see where things go.

 

I don't know if I need to tell him how I feel next time I see him, or call him, or email him, or just stop responding. I don't want to burn bridges.

I thought of sending the following email. Advice is appreciated. BTW, I left my phone OFF and at home. No more text's from. I don't want to make things any worst than they are. I do want to leave on a good note, as I love him so.

Here is the email I might send

 

TB,

 

 

I know you said you don't like talking about the "heavy stuff", so I thought an email might be best for you. You don't have to reply.

 

I have given everything a LOT of thought. I know you always tell me how I make "snap judgements" withouth regard to if they are really the best choice for me. This is not one of those cases. I have given more thought that necessary.

 

I understand where you are coming from, and after our chat on Friday, I see what you want from me. I don't think I can make "friends" work. We aren't friends, at least you aren't to me. I just feel like it's me waiting around for you, and eventually, I am going to regret it, or eventually you will meet someone else, and I don't want to prolong me moving on if that's the case. I love you, I really do. I regret my actions that led to the break up. I also regret how I have acted after the break up. I wish I would have been a little more graceful and accepting. I know I didn't make it easier for you.

 

As much as I enjoy seeing you, and laughing with you, it's just not enough for me. I deserve more than being someones option. I need to heal and it's just not going to happen with you around. I do hope someday we can be on speaking terms, but it won't be soon. I am asking you to respect my decision in not having any further contact. One day we might be able to laugh about all this, but that's not anytime soon for me. If you ever change your mind about us, and think you might want to work on somthing again, let me know and maybe we can get dinner and talk about it then.

 

I will really, really miss you.

 

Bluewolf17

 

What do you guys in LS world think?

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[Jdw_Icequeen]

I'm glad you have had time to think and can now see what you want.

You're right, you shouldn't be an option. You shouldn't hang on hoping.

 

If he decides that he dosen't want this in the end, then it will just crush you, you could have spent that time moving on and feeling better.

 

I think your email is great and will definetly get the point accross. You also managed to keep any and all anger out of it. Which is also good.

You have said he is a nice guy. So hopefully he will just back off and give you what you want.

 

I wish you the best.. I really do hope you start feeling better.

 

Love,J

[Nuala83]

I don't think it'll go down too well. Maybe you'll prove me wrong though.

 

Good luck

[boogieboy]

I think with this email you will push him away for now, and he will come looking for you again in a month or so doig the same thing. So if he cant take you seriously, then you should bail out for your own sake.

[bluewolf17]

Nuala and BB,

 

I don't understand. Why don't you think "it will go over well"? How will this "push him away for now?" I thought it was clear in the email.

 

Are you saying I shouldn't send a email at all? That is what I am most confused about. If I can't "be friends" to I tell him I am doing NC, or just start ingnoring him. I though an email was best as I think it would push him in a corner if we did it in person or on the phone.

 

I think if I asked him again for NC, he would give it to me. He even told me on the phone that if it's too hard to talk, he would understand.

[boogieboy]

Youre long winded in the email. Because he doesnt want you pestering him with talk about the relationship that hes not ready to make a determination on yet. Calling him, or emailing him is pestering when he specifically told you he doesnt want to talk about the heavy stuff.

 

He wants to have fun. So you can show him your fun side to attract him to you, or you can be a downer talking about the relationship.

 

Which means he has probably already checked out of the relationship if he doesnt want to talk about it. Hes saying relax, which could mean he doesnt want to be completely turned off by you asking him questions, or he checked out. Either way, youre pushing him away.

 

Thats what I think will happen if you send him the email. if you give him the option of not replying, you might as well not send the email and just go NC.

 

If you need to know so you can cut him off, You need to ask him in person, and ask straight up like this "are we on or off? If we are off, were not talking anymore. I need to know now. Make your decision."

 

If he hems and haws, go home. If he calls you he should be begging you back. Anything but that will spell out your answer. Mind you, youre competing with a new girl who is probably fun right now, and youre the downer. See why he wants you to relax?

[bluewolf17]

BB,

 

There is no new girl. I know that 100%. But that's not the point, I see what your driving at. Your right. I am being a downer.

 

But the email isn't about getting an answer. The email is telling him that I going NC, and why. By me sending this email, I am fully aware this would be the last contact. I don't expect a reply at all. I just wasn't sure if an email was the proper way to say "friends doesn't work for me".

 

 

I think I am just going to sit on this some more. I read in another section that the worst thing you can do is taking action when you are sad/mad/jealous etc. All of the things I regret doing, where in such cases.

 

Thanks for the advice. It's nice hearing it from a guys perspective. TB always accused me of "being such a girl about things".

[PinkToes]

I think this is very clear about what you're feeling and how you got there. And that's half the battle, considering the conflicting emotions that must be running through your head. You're standing up for yourself and what you need. Good for you.

 

I agree it might be better to have the conversation in person, even if he says he doesn't want to talk about stuff like this. If you wanted to stay with him, it would be a fair request in that he doesn't want to be with someone who needs to discuss such things. You could decide whether it was worth it to you.

 

But you don't want to be with him. You don't want to be just friends. So you don't have to play his game. It's totally fair to bring up what you need if not getting it is a deal breaker for you. Too bad if it makes him uncomfortable.

 

I just wish I'd been as strong as you when I went through the same thing and spent 2 months trying to be the lighthearted casual "date" my commitment phobe b/f wanted me to be. It wasn't what I wanted, but I pretended it was. I should have done what you're doing.

[sao2]

I think it is a great email and it does exactly what you need it to do. Just think, worst case scenario, he wants to try. Best case scenario, he leaves you alone to find someone that doesn't need an ultimatum to know that they want to be with you.

[Treasa]

I don't think you should send it. I've been in your situation.

 

Let your no contact TELL him that you want no contact. An email like that gives off a slight vibe of desperation and neediness, and it seems to beg for a response.

 

If you really want to get him thinking about you, don't send him anything. Be scarce.

[boogieboy]

I don't think you should send it. I've been in your situation.

 

Let your no contact TELL him that you want no contact. An email like that gives off a slight vibe of desperation and neediness, and it seems to beg for a response.

 

If you really want to get him thinking about you, don't send him anything. Be scarce.

 

This is what I wasy trying to say without the novel.........

[bluewolf17]

Thank you all.

 

It's really suprising how a little breathing room can change your emotions. I just stopped thinking about it all, and I feel better. Plus, leaving my phone at home (I do most of my moping at work) has done wonders.

 

I think your right. I guess I wanted him to know how I feel, but the truth is he already knows, and it still doesn't matter. Might as well just go NC without telling him. He's a smart guy. He will get it.

 

Thanks all.

Bluewolf17

[e.clipse]

bluewolf,

 

i can completely relate to not wanting to "wait and see" where the relationship might or might not go; it is simply not easy to "wait" while your feelings for him are so strong, they are restless.

 

i can also relate to you wanting to relay these feelings to him, and to not wanting to burn bridges with him, in case he someday wants to come back.

 

i should know those feelings well, as i felt them for nearly 3 years.

 

but you know what? this is not going to help you; the more you continue to hold onto hope of another chance with him, the more you will continue to torment yourself.

 

the fact of the matter is that if he really loved you, completely, he would not be apart from you. no buts, no excuses. do you love him, and i mean, really love him, completely? do you want to be apart from him? i would think not, as you are still holding onto hope that he will come back.

 

sometimes, in order to protect ourselves from heartache, we need to make things be more black and white. in this case, he is not with you. why? because he doesn't want to be. sure, he left the door slightly open, but for how long do you intend to breathe in minimal amounts of air before you realize you are asphyxiating?

 

you have to make yourself strong of heart. read his "let's wait and see" as a firm "no"--a black, a negative.

 

it is unfortunate when love it not reciprocated in the same way. however, what is more unfortunate is that sometimes we don't even reciprocate the love to ourselves.

 

realize that a lot of the pain and heartache is due to "hope" and all the shades of gray we mix, but love is either "yes, i love you" or "no, i don't love you;" it should never be "i think i love you" nor should we ever accept the bare minimum when we are giving our everything.

 

as far as whether you should tell him all this, for what? he knows you love him, does he not? that is all that he needs to know. what greater bridge than that do you want to leave?

 

there is no need to write, call, or text him. the best thing you can do for yourself and for your own heart, which is the one you should be paying attention to here, is to let him be.

 

don't meet with him, don't speak with him. if someday he decides he made a mistake and wants you back, very little will stop him from trying. rest in knowing that, if that comforts you, but just let it rest in peace.

[PinkToes]

I'm confused. Does he know what you want? Have you already told him you don't want to be just friends? If so, NC would reinforce that.

 

But if he really doesn't know what you want, and you just start ignoring him, I doubt he'll go away. That's a game, and a bit passive aggressive. Do you want to run the risk of hearing from him and having to re-think your decision? Or do you really want him to leave you alone?

 

However you choose to say it, I think you need to tell him where you stand and what you want & don't want. Direct is best. Unless he already knows. Then never mind. ;-)

[CaliGuy]

Blue, I just think you're too impatient and maybe that is what pushed him away the first time. You should always "leave them wanting more...." after an interaction/time together. If you always push for more you begin to cage them into a relationship and ultimately push them away.

 

Remember what I said. The person with the most power in a relationship is the one who wants it the least. You are giving him all the power by wanting more than he is ready to give.

[Treasa]

This is what I wasy trying to say without the novel.........

 

Meanwhile, I thought YOUR response was far more informative and better than how I was trying to say it.

 

Either way, I agree with everything everyone else has written. And CaliGuy has it right...whoever cares less wins.

 

Now, Bluewolf, your focus should be on yourself. How awesome YOU are.

[bluewolf17]

Pinktoes: Yes, he aboslutly knows what I want, and how I feel. I have pretty much asked him point blank yes or no. He then says I am "demanding" an answer he can't give. I want another chance, he isn't ready. I don't know if he ever will be. I don't want to wait around 2 months, 4 months, 8 months, and before I know it, a year has gone by, and I am no better.

 

Thank you all for your advice. I am being impatient, but I also deserve a lot more than what he is willing to give me. I am laying off, way off. I am going pretty LC. I haven't contacted him first, but now I am for sure being very careful.

 

I love you guys.

[PinkToes]

Awesome. And I'm proud of you. You're doing what I didn't have the guts to do when I was in the same situation a few years ago. I let it drag on because I thought a partial relationship with my ex was better than no relationship with my ex. He never came around. Lesson learned the hard way, for me!

[bluewolf17]

So after 4 days, he texted me today (thank god i have been leaving my phone at home while I am at work).

 

"Hey, can you help me get the canoe this week?"

 

Really, he is still going on about getting the Canoe I bought him? How many freaking times do I have to tell him to just go over there and get it? He has two brothers, and two big male cousins, and two big male roomates, and he wants his little ex girlfriend to help him load a 15ft canoe.

 

What a jerk! I didn't respond, and i won't. I can't beleive his nerve.

[Nuala83]

"Hey, can you help me get the canoe this week?"

 

Really, he is still going on about getting the Canoe I bought him? How many freaking times do I have to tell him to just go over there and get it?

 

Sorry I don't wanna make light of your situation but that made me laugh. Hahaha he's utterly obsessed by that bloody canoe!

[bluewolf17]

Then you will really laugh at this.

He called me at 7am. He knows I don't even wake up till 7:30. I answered because I didn't look at who was calling. He said he wanted to wake me up, say good morning..WTF!! Then he said he had another reason for calling...he needs me advice..he wants to switch his major from English to Film?? I just wanted to be like I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE! DON'T TELL ME THIS! He wanted to ask me if he is making the right choice switching to film, and then he talked about why his English classes aren't going well, and why he is dropping these other classes.. blah blah blah. I was in bed just staring up at the ceiling with my mouth open. He has some nerve!

 

I told him to see the counsler and school to advice him on it, and to do what makes him most happy. Then he proceeded to ask me about what I did yesterday AND ASK ME ABOUT THE DAMN CANOE! I got so pissy. I said don't you have two roomates? Can't you just go get it? He doesn't want to feel like he is "sneaking" over to my parents to get it. Then he said he didn't want to make his friends or roomates "uncomfortable" by making them do it. I told him if he really needs ME to help him, fine. Then he started just cracking jokes about somthing or other, and I cut him off, as I wanted to get a little bit more sleep. He said somthing like, oh, I will call you later to get the canoe..

 

I swear, I think he won't ever get the Canoe. I think I could fill it up with dirt and plant roses in it, he would never notice. He would just use it as a excuse to call me. I haven't sent that email yet, I haven't done anything. Things are just getting so weird.