tigressA Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 A friend of mine told me that last night when we were talking. I tend to agree. I'm staying with my boyfriend and his family for the summer. Once I'm back at school I am going to make him my ex-boyfriend. I would split from him now, but it would cause complications. For one, I have very little money because my job here has slowed down so much. I can't afford to go anywhere (I don't drive), and I owe my boyfriend money--$150 that he lent me so I could afford bus tickets to see my parents at the end of my semester in May. And if I went back to my dad's or mom's place, I would be without work for the rest of the summer, period. Might as well be here where I can at least get occasional work if my job doesn't pick up again. I'm being realistic. It's in my best interest to stay here until I have to go back to school. I had to realize that I don't love my boyfriend for who he is. Maintaining a relationship with him has become a constant chore; it's not fun anymore. I also realized that I've been scared to end things because of his family--I've become really enmeshed with them and I've been scared that they'll hate me. But I had to evaluate my relationship, how I feel in my relationship, and not include outside factors like his family. And I'm not happy in this relationship. Being in this relationship adds nothing more to my life but resource and comfort. I'm going to go with the flow until the end of August and after that, it's over.
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 This perspective can become a life-long habit. I hope you, after August, can resolve to not compromise yourself in such a way again. Acknowledging that you're essentially using people for resource and comfort sends karma signals that will come back to you. If you're healthy, this will be a regret, IMO. That's OK. We all have them. A lot of life still to live. Make it count
Author tigressA Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I know. I do feel horrible about it. It all happened so fast--I started depending on him; before I knew it I was staying with him for every school break, even Thanksgiving and Christmas, because I thought I wanted to. In reality it was my only recourse--my father had blindly sold our house without planning ahead last fall, and he ended up staying with friends for months before he relocated to a different town in the spring. I was still in school at the time and I had no other place to go but my boyfriend's. I started feeling like I was in debt to him, like I "had" to stay with him because of all that he and his family have done for me. I can't be in a relationship like that anymore, but I don't know how I could go about ending things with him while I'm still here. I don't want to be in this situation but because of my circumstances I don't know how to get out of it before August. That's on me though. I shouldn't have let myself get so dependent on him.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 tigress, this revelation doesn't surprise me, in that you didn't rebuff your inappropriate friend, actually enjoying his advances. As for staying due to finances, I would be searching hard for a better job, even working multiple jobs to get out. It's unfair to remain.
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 A bit of advice from life experience. It's not always healthy to ensure the 'books are balanced', although I find the practice commendable. I've done a bit of this during my divorce process and find I have mixed feelings about balancing generosity with healthy self-interest to ensure I feel positive about the process. Also, something to think about..... no way of knowing your situation, but, sometimes, the same actions which attempt to show how valuable you are to a potential mate can also make you dependent on them. Focusing too much of yourself upon them. I made those mistakes in my marriage. The good news is you're young and hopefully you won't be making those mistakes when you're older and there's less time to recover. No worries. It'll work out
Exit Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I feel really bad for him. =\ Same with a girl I know who is engaged and saying she will break it off in a few weeks because their families always do stuff together during the summer. Why wait just because it's going to inconvenience you? Sorry but that's selfish. He could be healed by August instead of still thinking he's with you. Much like my GF who coincidentally left me as soon as she graduated school and realized she wouldn't need my help anymore. Users make me sick...
boogieboy Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 it doesnt matter WHEN you break up with him, you cant control whether or not his family hates you. You cant have it the way you want. They WILL hate you when you break his heart (if that happens), and you will have to deal with it. When you leave, you better bolt and dissappear, they will be hunting you down asking questions.
Author tigressA Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I know it's unfair of me to stay; like I said I do feel really guilty about the whole thing. I feel like I just dug myself into a really deep hole. I told myself beforehand that this would be the "make it or break it summer" for us--I knew that things would be really different from the other times I stayed with him and from how our relationship in general usually is (long-distance). He's 'in the real world' now, working five days a week, going to bed earlier, etc; I was scheduled for a 5-day-a-week job but with irregular days off (Tuesdays and Saturdays), so we only get Saturdays to spend together. But since work has been so slow, I've been here at the house more often, and I can't really get out since I can't drive (don't have even a learner's permit); there's no public transit within a reasonable distance, etc. I'm going back to school in August and I feel like we're at two really different points in our lives--he's become kind of a boring old man, coming home tired from work nearly every day (our sex life has been affected because of this as well; he almost always says he's too tired to have sex), and I'm frustrated because I'm not getting work and I have to bug him about going somewhere/doing something fun on a Saturday because he's such a homebody. I have applied to and followed up with 5 other places and counting for work, with no luck. I wasn't expecting to lack consistent work, but I was expecting things to be boring, routine and everyday. I felt like this summer would be a test of our relationship, and it is. I know that right now, I'm failing the test miserably. It's not him; it's me. He hasn't changed; I knew what I was signing up for when I started dating him. But because the circumstances changed so much, the way he is--a homebody, crude sense of humor, etc--is really getting to me.
NopeNah Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You should sell anything you have of value and go stay with your parents. You say you "think his parents will hate you". How do you think they're going to feel after you break it off with him in august? Not only will you have used your "boyfriend" you'll have used them aswell. I'm sure he would gladly kiss a petty $150 to be free of a one sided relationship that he's obviously being used in.
boogieboy Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I dont know if your bf is attending school in september, but if he is, least you can do is dump him now so that he will have 2 months to get over you and so he can concentrate.
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