Lyssa Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Fourth - I now realize that I should not write a letter to my OW as EVERYONE no matter what sees the world from their own perception and all the explaining I do will not help. AS long as I and my H understand the rest is meaningless. I can say the same thing about you, Amybeth.
Author Amybeth Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 It's a public forum - anyone is allowed to post. They gave you good insights for people who are not in affairs etc. You're in denial and I truly hope you'll realised that you're being played by your husband. If you can't take the heat from this forum, I suggest you stop posting. In response to your "supportive positive post" - I want to say that YES it matters if people have experienced an affair (on either side) without that they are trying to be educated advisors who have NO experience. I really wanted to know where they are coming from. Someone who has NO experience skydiving can not give sound advise to new skydivers. The reality is that many on this forum are wonderful to hear from and that does not exclude these ladies BUT when people here BELIEVE they know the whole true story without there even being a possibility of another side is NOT supportive or helpful in the slightest. By the way that is what this forum is supposed to be supportive - telling me to take the advise or leave is not the intension of this forum and quite opinionated and ignorant.
willing Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 What I think OW do NOT understand .... many of you think you had a long / meaningful relationship (4 1/2 yrs the OW in my case)) but come on !! That relationship was part time as he came home to me every night and had a LONGER relationship with me ... for 20 years. We share children, families, holidays the lose of a pregnancy, the dealth of both my parents, his parents aging, our business, moving several times, special needs of our son for the first few years, many wonderful vacations. LOVE also should not be a part time basis. YES my husband screwed up Amybeth -- be careful. Your husband has some issues within himself -- the whole point of Affairs is to Distance oneself from one's partner, emotionally. He was escaping you, and took refuge in the OW. Yes, she could have been any OW... but any woman he chose/was willing to be his partner, would have fulfilled the same purpose ... what should be worrying you is that your H needed to do this, in the first place. It's not anything YOU did... it's not anything the OW is to blame for, either... it is a character flaw in your husband. Sorry to tell you, but no intensive weekend marriage counseling session is going to make him whole... he has just pushed his issues underground. With Personalities, you cannot change the person's basic character... he is what he is... yes, he may be able to change, but more likely, he will not... and certainly not in such a short period of time... and really -- what the heck did your H suffer anyway?! Seems like he got off relatively scott-free... I am predicting it will just be a matter of time before he cheats again. Sorry to tell you this. I know you will feel you know your husband better than a bunch of people on the Internet -- but I speak from experience... I, like you, forgave my own H, for infidelity... again, and again, and again. Good luck.
Jilly Bean Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 First I have a question - IF you JILLY BEAN and you HOPING2HEAL are not BS or OW what r u? Why r u on this site and how can you understand anything? I am a woman who knows men. Period. I know enough to know that if my husband had an affair with someone for nearly 5 years, and that if this woman re-engaged him time and time again by contacting him and luring him in with her hot and great sex that I couldn't supply, that if she were contacting him again regularly, then chances are highly probable that he is back with her. Doesn't take an Einstein, Amy, but it does require someone based in reality.
hoping2heal Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 First I have a question - IF you JILLY BEAN and you HOPING2HEAL are not BS or OW what r u? Why r u on this site and how can you understand anything? Second - yes JB the # are high for repeat offensives BUT probability means there are some that do not. My H & I have worked HARD together to understand - in marriage retreat and GREAT MC from an amazing therapist. I never and my H worked so hard at something that was so hard. he told us that we may not be able to get through it (well me) BUT I did. Third - did you ever hear of "Forgiveness"? I worked hard on this and yes I have. Fourth - I now realize that I should not write a letter to my OW as EVERYONE no matter what sees the world from their own perception and all the explaining I do will not help. AS long as I and my H understand the rest is meaningless. Well Amy, I'm going to answer your first question. If I'm not a BS or OW, what am I and how can I understand anything? I think I pointed out in my previous post, that I don't need to be a BS or OW to know that anytime someone speaks or acts in terms that contradict itself, there's lying involved. Have I ever heard of forgiveness? I sure have, am I going invite Charles Manson to dinner, just because he says he's a changed man now? No, don't think so. What makes me sad, is you don't know whom is your friend and whom is your enemy. As my partner says, that's a sad place for anyone to be. You seem to think we're picking on you, we aren't. We're simply pointing out that this guy is setting up to betray you again; it's blaringly obvious that's what he's doing and you don't have to be a BS or OW to see the clear signs of very basic human behavior. You just plain don't. You go on and on about how you and your husband have worked hard to repair the marriage; here's what it seems like; it seems like YOU have worked hard to forgive and repair your marriage. The minute he said he didn't want you contacting her and "why" I knew it was all one big crock of ****, and you're lining up early to the table to digest it. Secondly, anyone who can take a lighthearted atitude of "well, our spark dulled, it happens to a lot of people, so we just went out and cheated" as if this is the reasonable way to deal with problems, that right there shows you are in denial, not forgiveness. You are setting yourself up to be the doormat this guy wipes his feet on, you display that clearly in the way you make excuses for his behavior. That doesn't make you forgiving in the slightest. Oh, and I disagree, I think you should very well write a letter to the OW, but I'm quite positive you won't, because I think deep down you know what you stand to discover if you do. I think you should write her, so that reality smacks you in the face, just hard enough to stop you from having your heart broken by this jerk AGAIN who is still lying and betraying you.
SidLyon Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 This forum is for support and discussion for OW/OM and is not specifically aimed at supporting BSs. Frankly though I'm appalled at the treatment meted out to BSs who do post here wanting some understanding of OW/OM. The sort of posts in this thread aimed at Amy do not seem to serve any particular purpose of supporting either a specific OW or OW generally. My situation is similar to Amy's so I well know the complete devastation of suddenly being unable to trust my H. I have lain awake at night worrying that I'm still being deceived, that he is still in contact with her, that for every time he has told her it is over that he is secretly telling her otherwise etc etc. I don't think Amy has posted enough for any of us to conclude that her H is still in contact with the OW. My H also did not want me to contact the OW because he was worried it would send her over the edge. However I did contact her for the very reason that I needed to see for myself and try to fathom for myself whether anything was still going on. I was criticised for that too on this discussion board and accused of being obsessed with the OW. I know that ultimately it's possible that my H either has remained in contact with her or might have another A. Like Amy, I am doing my best to ensure that it doesn't happen but if my H is sufficiently devious or desirous then yes he'll quite possibly do it again. I won't be forgiving him repeatedly - the current chance he has is the last. Right now he seems sincere so I accept that - I now recognise, admittedly with hindsight, the signs of the A - I won't be so easily fooled again. Amy if you need to contact the OW for your own closure then do so - your H should support you in that even if he'd really rather you didn't. You owe her no special consideration. S P.S. My credentials to be here (not that I think any of us have to really justify it as most of us wouldn't be here if we weren't in some sort of bad place): I'm a BW and have never been an OW but I do admit that I cheated in a previous relationship (not a marriage) with a single man. It was enough for me to see that my conduct was wrong and I vowed never to repeat it and haven't. I have never been seriously tempted to have any sort of relationship with a partnered man - I suspect I have sufficient boundaries and a good sense of self-preservation not to ever do that.
Lyssa Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 In response to your "supportive positive post" - I want to say that YES it matters if people have experienced an affair (on either side) without that they are trying to be educated advisors who have NO experience. I really wanted to know where they are coming from. Someone who has NO experience skydiving can not give sound advise to new skydivers. The reality is that many on this forum are wonderful to hear from and that does not exclude these ladies BUT when people here BELIEVE they know the whole true story without there even being a possibility of another side is NOT supportive or helpful in the slightest. By the way that is what this forum is supposed to be supportive - telling me to take the advise or leave is not the intension of this forum and quite opinionated and ignorant. If you read back on what you have stated, most of your comments sound ignorant as well. I was an OW and I have a lot to say but you seem to disregard anyone's opinion that does not suit yours.
White Flower Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I would really love advise from all of you OW.... My story ... My H had an affair that ended over a year ago. The affair though was for 4 1/2 years. We did the MC thing and have really learned alot (and gotten closer again like we were years ago before our kids). This OW really fell for him - I saw emails from her, she was angry. She said he "abandoned her that it was not a break up". He stopped seeing her shortly after I found out. He did not want to loose me, our kids, our home, financial comfort - we have been married for 20 years (Not only did we have some issues in our marriage - but I developed feminine issues that caused significant sexual difficulties.) This was really why the affair started as my husband could NOT deal with it and he looked for it elsewhere. Then it became exciting, fun and they did develop a relationship. He told me he found this older (10 years his senior - but very attractive) woman that had no attachments, was financially independent, and it was easy... but he also said he loved the sex NOT her. Anyway - he has been no contact for 1 year now BUT she keeps attempting to contact him through facebook, Linked in etc (trying to "friend" him through those sites). For his birthday, out of the blue, now for father's day. He either lets me know (as I told him I wanted to know) or I see them on his cell. It is RIDICULOUS already ! She really believes we NEVER had a good relationship as that is what my husband told her so he could continue to get into her pants (in his words she was a "vessel") I know that sounds horrible but he says he did appreciate her unconditional provision of sex and caring for him (she got very carried away). He broke up with her in the middle of the affair to try to make things work with me again BUT she was VERY needy and would not stop calling him, emailing, texting for months and months. She was easy and the sex was good so he got back into it. She was told by him that "he would never leave his wife" but she was happy with having him 2 times / week. So.. please any advise of how do I get her to STOP - for her sake but also for mine !! I do NOT want her texting my husband "happy birthday" in 10 years from now and I feel she is that kind of person. She really can not seem to get past this !! My husband says (and I heard him with her on the phone several times) he has told her that IT IS OVER but she does not let up. She seems to have some personality disorder as she really was content with so little from him. If I call her which I have thought of doing - I think she will twist everything I say and it will only open up all the old wounds. Is there anything / anyway - that finally can get her to move on!!! Please do not turn this on me - I really do not want to defend anything - I am way past that - my husband and I have done everything to put this behind us and we have:love: EXCEPT for my getting upset when she still tries to contact him. PLEASE HELP Wow, OK. First and foremost this is really simple. Change numbers and block her from emails. If she gets through again it is because he is allowing her to. Enough said. Secondly, I bolded some of your statements that I want to go over: This OW really fell for him, they did develop a relationship....but he also said he loved the sex NOT her... OK, you admit this WAS a relationship and not sexual encounters for the sake of sexual encounters, but your H 'says' it was just sex for him. Hmm. (in his words she was a "vessel")... he did appreciate her unconditional provision of sex and caring for him So, she DID care for him. I guess he ALLOWED HER TO. And why on God's earth would you EVER sleep with a man including your husband who called a woman WHO LOVED HIM a 'vessel'??? I HATE it when MM (or any man) degrades a woman he PLEASURED WITH CARE and with whom he received PLEASURE WITH CARE and probably LOVE. If you fall for this crap and still sleep with him you degrade all women. Don't let him do it! If he says this s*** about her to you, you can damn well be sure he said it to her about you! Don't stand for it! When I found out exMM had an OW before me he suddenly felt the need to degrade this exOW. I told him right there and then to KNOCK IT OFF! My ego isn't so small that I need his W or exOWs to be degraded in order for me to feel better. If he degrades them surely he will degrade me and I won't have that from ANY man! BUT she was VERY needy And you aren't? Why isn't it ok for her to be needy? He led her on because he wanted his needs to be fulfilled and when he was done he abandoned her. Just sayin'. Now, if she really is the bunnyboiler type you need NEVER contact her. Just ignore her and she'll go away. This constant contact and acknowledging her existance keeps the triangle alive. Don't put up with it. He is either with you or against you. Make him choose and tell him you expect him to be dignified about all parties. My guess is that there is a little of both going on. She is a little over the top AND he feeds it. He may even feel the need to appease her so she doesn't go ruining his business or go telling you all the details of how it really went down. Like how he said he loved her all the time. Sorry, but she stuck around for a reason.
2sunny Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Secondly, I bolded some of your statements that I want to go over: This OW really fell for him, they did develop a relationship....but he also said he loved the sex NOT her... OK, you admit this WAS a relationship and not sexual encounters for the sake of sexual encounters, but your H 'says' it was just sex for him. Hmm. (in his words she was a "vessel")... he did appreciate her unconditional provision of sex and caring for him and by those words the OP used - i clearly see her H as one VERY angry bitter man with a degrading attitude about women in general. the words he chose are such a low opinion of women it's scary to me. and he throws in that he never cared about her? what a cold hearted a hole... even if it's not true - he still had the balls to say that? and then this... BUT she was VERY needy SHE was needy? come on people! HE was in it to get HIS needs met! did she meet him on the street and open her legs right on the sidewalk? i highly doubt it... i'm sure he pursued her in a way that allowed her to sense that he WANTED her desperately! a man willing to take huge risks to be with her for 5 years... HE was not only needy - but selfish, self centered, egotistical (still is), dishonest and willing to risk his family and marriage for what? a vessel? i don't think so... his involvement was WAY more with her than he'll ever admit and that is why i don't believe he is truly remorseful - i just think he's sorry he got caught. that mere fact that he is unwilling to be honest with himself much less his wife tells me that he isn't capable of the true recovery that needs to be done in order for him to resist the temptation he may some day face again. WHEN he can be truly honest is when the real recovery starts - until then - it's still just a cover up... believe me - i know it - and i can smell it from here. step aside - let HIM do ALL the hard work that his recovery will entail - see how willing and brutally honest he'll be when it counts. hopefully he'll leave out all the hatred and demeaning character traits he views in women this time around. if it were me... i would never be capable of looking a man in the eye with that nasty attitude toward women. i don't care if you're a man, woman, BS, OW or a cheetah - the writing is on the wall - plain and simple - in your husbands own words - written out by you... he isn't sorry that it happened and you may never get full disclosure - and it will keep you both in a precarious situation for this to happen again... he's really only sorry you found out... i bet he would have continued seeing her for many more years if he hadn't gotten caught. he's still disrespecting you by controlling the whole process of healing... you haven't yet heard the whole truth and it will always block the full recovery. now that he's been caught - THAT is when he became sorry. the one i feel sorry for is you... because you aren't seeing the truth in the big picture. yes, we are here for support - and support is pointing the truth of the situation... loopholes in your picture and all - that is the reality here. we are here (hopefully) to protect you from more pain... there's no agenda to that at all. just working off of your facts and your written word.
jj33 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Exactly 2sunny. And what is even scarier is that Amy has bought into this degrading view of this woman and accepts her husbands characterization of her, and repeats the insulting language with glee as if it exempts him. On that basis he should feel free to screw around any time Amy isnt up for it, and some poor soul buys his lines, or is so needy hes afraid to say no. Either they are a good match (Amy and her H; in which case you reap what you sow) or Amy needs to look at why she has accepted this transparent tale.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Anyway - he has been no contact for 1 year now BUT she keeps attempting to contact him through facebook maybe since he is a cheating husband, that Facebook, Myspace, or any other social networking is a priv that he shouldn't be afforded. If I was to be found out as a cheater, and I truly was remorseful and wanted to prove to my SO that I love them, then the social networking sites would be a thing of the past. She really believes we NEVER had a good relationship as that is what my husband told her so he could continue to get into her pants EXACTLY!!!! So.. please any advise of how do I get her to STOP I think your husband needs to be the one to make her stop. Apparantly he didn't exactly tell her, "its over, quit contacting me....F##K OFF!!!" really, he needs to put the foot down. You jumping her won't do a bit of good. And if your H really doesn't want to lose you and its not just about money and the kids, and he doesn't want her, then he'd have no problem telling her to eff off.....would he? I do NOT want her texting my husband "happy birthday" in 10 years from now and I feel she is that kind of person. She really can not seem to get past this !! If he isn't willing to nip this in the butt, then he needs to close his facebook account, change his cell numbers...whatever it takes to give her a clear picture if he doesn't want to hurt her wittle feewings. My husband says (and I heard him with her on the phone several times) he has told her that IT IS OVER but she does not let up. just telling her its over isn't going to cut it. he has to get downright nasty with her. Is there anything / anyway - that finally can get her to move on!!! Please do not turn this on me - I really do not want to defend anything - I am way past that - my husband and I have done everything to put this behind us and we have:love: EXCEPT for my getting upset when she still tries to contact him. you getting upset won't do a bit of good...all that will do is fuel her pathetic fire. Your husband needs to crack the whip. But I suspect there is a reason he hasn't....because he doesn't want to come off as nasty to her.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 He still has contact with her. He has told her it is over, but she still calls - so there is still contact. It is his responsibility to ensure that this woman cannot contact him and he hasn't done that. Exactly!!!
Dexter Morgan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'd suggest that he writes an appology that states BLUNTLY he is sorry that he used her for sex. He should be sorry that he treated another person like that. I disagree with writing her an apology. He was a bastard to cheat on AmyBeth, and to use someone else for sex. But the OW f####d someone elses husband, did it willingly, and has contempt for AmyBeth. So she doesn't deserve an apology. Only way the OW would deserve an apology is if AB's H lied to her about his marital status and she didn't know he was married.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 My husband thinks this woman is "pathetic and bizarro" for continuing to care about him depite the fact that he has not responded to her in over a year now. your husband cheated on his wife. he has no room to talk about someone he had sex with behind your back. I wonder what would happen if when he tells you, "she is a pathetic and bizarro fruitcake"...and then you answer. "well......you stuck your member in that pathetic and bizarro fruitcake" Not trying to rile you up Amy, my heart goes out to you. but your husband doesn't seem very humble. I'm sure he isn't embarrassed when he makes a comment like that, but i'm embarrassed for him. I mean really...what kind of guy has sex over and over with someone...then has the nerve to call THEM pathetic, no matter how much truth there is to it, your husband is as well. So while you are forgiving your husband and are suppose to be moving on, no matter how much truth there is to what he says about her, whenever he does say something, I'd stop him and remind him that he had sex with this "pathetic" person and has no right to claim moral superiority. I feel she needs to know the truth - that he sought her out due to waiting 1 1/2 yrs and I his W could not be physical with him and that at first he thought they could have a PA but she began to really care about him. the only truth she needed to know was that he was married...and she already knew that. don't make excuses for her.
2sunny Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 the bottom line still remains. OP isn't the one that can make it stop... and her H hasn't taken enough action to help the OW to understand clearly that there is no future.
PhoenixRise Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Amybeth I am a BS too. I am recovering my marriage. Just want you to know that since the status of the poster seems to matter to you. I am going to gently suggest that you lower your defences a little regarding some of the responses you have gotten here. I think what most people are trying to tell you is that once your husband has cheated on you, you no longer have the luxury of blind trust. Before I discovered my H affair, I trusted him completely. I trusted him not to cheat and I trusted him not to lie to me. Now, while he is working very hard to regain my trust, he will NEVER get that blind trust from me again. Here are the facts on the ground as you describe them: You husband took the fact that you had a medical condition as an excuse to cheat. You husband decieved you and lied to you for many years. Your husband had sex with THIS woman for many years. Not a paid prostitute to handle his sexual needs but THIS woman. With these facts in mind you should be willing to at least consider the possibility that your husband is encouraging or at least not consistantly discouraging this woman's attention. You don't know what he said to her about YOU during the affiar and you don't know what he told her about how he felt about HER during the affair. My H's affair was conducted over about 3 years. He didn't see OW often because she lived in another state that he traveled to for business but they shared emails, texts, phone calls, etc. I believe him when he says he was not IN Love with her and that he knows it was not reality based, but I KNOW he cared about her. I respected the fact that he didn't try to tell me he didn't care about her and that it was just sex. I think I would have been even more disgusted with him if he had tried to dehumanize her by calling her a vessel. I would have wondered what horribly degrading things he said to her about me. If the OW was just a vessel to your husband, well there are any number of vessels walking the streets everyday, you have to ask youself why he kept chosing to use HER as a vessel and no one else. As to what you can do to stop her" NOTHING It is not your job to stop it. It is your H's job and his responsibility if indeed he really wants her to go away. You husband should be taking all necessary measure to make sure this OW is not a part of your lives anymore. He should be jumping through hoops to make sure you KNOW you can trust him and that you are not having to relive the pain of the affair by having the OW show up in your lives at will. He should have told the OW by now that he loves you and is comitted to you and your marriage and that it is completely over between them. My husband has taken many actions to let me know he loves me, wants to regain my trust, and is commited to our marriage, including uprooting his life and following me to another state after I left him due to the affair and seeking out counseling. He is STILL doing everything he can to recover our marriage. I can tell you that I SURE AS HELL would not be taking him seriously if he was still allowing the OW to interfere in our lives. How much work is your husband actually doing to recover your marriage? What actions has HE taken? I know how much this situation hurts. I wish you the best of luck.
2sunny Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 you should consider this... he changes jobs and even the line of work he's in - then she can't send him something in the mail. move! move far away. if you are both as committed to keeping her out of the picture and she seems to find any little way to keep in touch - then these two things would solve the issue... unless, of course, he continues with his old habits (facebook - old cell number - and telling anyone from the past how to reach him). if he's willing to go to these extreme measures for YOUR marriage - then - and only then - do you possibly have a chance at making her stop. see just how willing he is... ask him to do all these things.
PhoenixRise Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 you should consider this... he changes jobs and even the line of work he's in - then she can't send him something in the mail. move! move far away. if you are both as committed to keeping her out of the picture and she seems to find any little way to keep in touch - then these two things would solve the issue... unless, of course, he continues with his old habits (facebook - old cell number - and telling anyone from the past how to reach him). if he's willing to go to these extreme measures for YOUR marriage - then - and only then - do you possibly have a chance at making her stop. see just how willing he is... ask him to do all these things. 2Sunny is right. Expect your husband to step up and do whatever is necessary to recover your marriage. See what he is willing to do to win you back. He DID need to win you back right? How important is your marriage to him and what is HE willing to do to make things right?
White Flower Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Secondly, I bolded some of your statements that I want to go over: This OW really fell for him, they did develop a relationship....but he also said he loved the sex NOT her... OK, you admit this WAS a relationship and not sexual encounters for the sake of sexual encounters, but your H 'says' it was just sex for him. Hmm. (in his words she was a "vessel")... he did appreciate her unconditional provision of sex and caring for him and by those words the OP used - i clearly see her H as one VERY angry bitter man with a degrading attitude about women in general. the words he chose are such a low opinion of women it's scary to me. and he throws in that he never cared about her? what a cold hearted a hole... even if it's not true - he still had the balls to say that? and then this... BUT she was VERY needy SHE was needy? come on people! HE was in it to get HIS needs met! did she meet him on the street and open her legs right on the sidewalk? i highly doubt it... i'm sure he pursued her in a way that allowed her to sense that he WANTED her desperately! a man willing to take huge risks to be with her for 5 years... HE was not only needy - but selfish, self centered, egotistical (still is), dishonest and willing to risk his family and marriage for what? a vessel? i don't think so... his involvement was WAY more with her than he'll ever admit and that is why i don't believe he is truly remorseful - i just think he's sorry he got caught. that mere fact that he is unwilling to be honest with himself much less his wife tells me that he isn't capable of the true recovery that needs to be done in order for him to resist the temptation he may some day face again. WHEN he can be truly honest is when the real recovery starts - until then - it's still just a cover up... believe me - i know it - and i can smell it from here. step aside - let HIM do ALL the hard work that his recovery will entail - see how willing and brutally honest he'll be when it counts. hopefully he'll leave out all the hatred and demeaning character traits he views in women this time around. if it were me... i would never be capable of looking a man in the eye with that nasty attitude toward women. i don't care if you're a man, woman, BS, OW or a cheetah - the writing is on the wall - plain and simple - in your husbands own words - written out by you... he isn't sorry that it happened and you may never get full disclosure - and it will keep you both in a precarious situation for this to happen again... he's really only sorry you found out... i bet he would have continued seeing her for many more years if he hadn't gotten caught. he's still disrespecting you by controlling the whole process of healing... you haven't yet heard the whole truth and it will always block the full recovery. now that he's been caught - THAT is when he became sorry. the one i feel sorry for is you... because you aren't seeing the truth in the big picture. yes, we are here for support - and support is pointing the truth of the situation... loopholes in your picture and all - that is the reality here. we are here (hopefully) to protect you from more pain... there's no agenda to that at all. just working off of your facts and your written word. Couldn't have said it better 2sunny.
White Flower Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Exactly 2sunny. And what is even scarier is that Amy has bought into this degrading view of this woman and accepts her husbands characterization of her, and repeats the insulting language with glee as if it exempts him. On that basis he should feel free to screw around any time Amy isnt up for it, and some poor soul buys his lines, or is so needy hes afraid to say no. Either they are a good match (Amy and her H; in which case you reap what you sow) or Amy needs to look at why she has accepted this transparent tale. Well said. What goes around comes around and if he insults one he will insult them all. Using a woman to get off and dumping her when he got caught is bad enough but to degrade her is worse and to tolerate that degradation is worse still. And the tragedy here is that his degradation of someone he once cared for doesn't change the truth.
White Flower Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Amybeth I am a BS too. I am recovering my marriage. Just want you to know that since the status of the poster seems to matter to you. I am going to gently suggest that you lower your defences a little regarding some of the responses you have gotten here. I think what most people are trying to tell you is that once your husband has cheated on you, you no longer have the luxury of blind trust. Before I discovered my H affair, I trusted him completely. I trusted him not to cheat and I trusted him not to lie to me. Now, while he is working very hard to regain my trust, he will NEVER get that blind trust from me again. Here are the facts on the ground as you describe them: You husband took the fact that you had a medical condition as an excuse to cheat. You husband decieved you and lied to you for many years. Your husband had sex with THIS woman for many years. Not a paid prostitute to handle his sexual needs but THIS woman. With these facts in mind you should be willing to at least consider the possibility that your husband is encouraging or at least not consistantly discouraging this woman's attention. You don't know what he said to her about YOU during the affiar and you don't know what he told her about how he felt about HER during the affair. My H's affair was conducted over about 3 years. He didn't see OW often because she lived in another state that he traveled to for business but they shared emails, texts, phone calls, etc. I believe him when he says he was not IN Love with her and that he knows it was not reality based, but I KNOW he cared about her. I respected the fact that he didn't try to tell me he didn't care about her and that it was just sex. I think I would have been even more disgusted with him if he had tried to dehumanize her by calling her a vessel. I would have wondered what horribly degrading things he said to her about me. If the OW was just a vessel to your husband, well there are any number of vessels walking the streets everyday, you have to ask youself why he kept chosing to use HER as a vessel and no one else. As to what you can do to stop her" NOTHING It is not your job to stop it. It is your H's job and his responsibility if indeed he really wants her to go away. You husband should be taking all necessary measure to make sure this OW is not a part of your lives anymore. He should be jumping through hoops to make sure you KNOW you can trust him and that you are not having to relive the pain of the affair by having the OW show up in your lives at will. He should have told the OW by now that he loves you and is comitted to you and your marriage and that it is completely over between them. My husband has taken many actions to let me know he loves me, wants to regain my trust, and is commited to our marriage, including uprooting his life and following me to another state after I left him due to the affair and seeking out counseling. He is STILL doing everything he can to recover our marriage. I can tell you that I SURE AS HELL would not be taking him seriously if he was still allowing the OW to interfere in our lives. How much work is your husband actually doing to recover your marriage? What actions has HE taken? I know how much this situation hurts. I wish you the best of luck. PR, you have written such an eloquent and honest post. I hope she hears it and takes it to heart. I like your principles and sense that your M is well on its way to a happy and secure future. Thanks for sharing your story.
White Flower Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 your husband cheated on his wife. he has no room to talk about someone he had sex with behind your back. I wonder what would happen if when he tells you, "she is a pathetic and bizarro fruitcake"...and then you answer. "well......you stuck your member in that pathetic and bizarro fruitcake" Not trying to rile you up Amy, my heart goes out to you. but your husband doesn't seem very humble. I'm sure he isn't embarrassed when he makes a comment like that, but i'm embarrassed for him. I mean really...what kind of guy has sex over and over with someone...then has the nerve to call THEM pathetic, no matter how much truth there is to it, your husband is as well. So while you are forgiving your husband and are suppose to be moving on, no matter how much truth there is to what he says about her, whenever he does say something, I'd stop him and remind him that he had sex with this "pathetic" person and has no right to claim moral superiority. the only truth she needed to know was that he was married...and she already knew that. don't make excuses for her. My impression of you has so skyrocketed!
Mary3 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I think some of what you write glosses over the real issues. This whole 'she's needy and has attachment issues' thing is probably actually a normal woman driven half mad by a guy who lied to her and gaslighted her continually to get what he wanted. You have no ideas the lies he probably told and sounds to me like he doesn't mind a bit of ego feeding from her, which is why he hasn't yet had the bright idea of changing his number, etc. You have no idea the things he's said to her and he MIGHT WELL have given her subtle messages of some kind that there is still something there for her to hold on to. She might also be going for all this contact as he might be giving her something in return. Really sorry you're going through this - you don't deserve it. But all I am saying is don't just pass this off as a crazy OW with a problem and lay it all at her door whilst believing your H's 'she's crazy' story (remember lying isn't a problem for him) - I think your H has a role here as well - just a hunch. He might also be badmouthing her to get back in your good books as just remember how he spoke about you to the OW to get in HER goodbooks. I think OP is making excuses for H behavior and blindly accepts everything he says as TRUE. Where was he when he was ****** her in the bed ( OW ) ? He was not with you but with HER. How did he get her into bed ? How easy was it to lie to you continiuosly for 4 YEARS ? How do you know his * need * won't come again with some other women ? His said it was all about sex. Don't BET on it. 4 years is a lonnng time. He likely had deep feelings for her. Maybe he was close to getting CAUGHT ? I would believe NOTHING he says because this is all for his conveinance to come back to your marraige . Who would want a cheater after that ? He says she's crazy. Maybe crazy in love with a man who dumped her. Who believed the LIES he told to sack her in the bed. Unless you have been the other women , you can't possibly know what they shared.
jj33 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 your husband cheated on his wife. he has no room to talk about someone he had sex with behind your back. I wonder what would happen if when he tells you, "she is a pathetic and bizarro fruitcake"...and then you answer. "well......you stuck your member in that pathetic and bizarro fruitcake" but your husband doesn't seem very humble. I'm sure he isn't embarrassed when he makes a comment like that, but i'm embarrassed for him. I mean really...what kind of guy has sex over and over with someone...then has the nerve to call THEM pathetic, no matter how much truth there is to it, your husband is as well. So while you are forgiving your husband and are suppose to be moving on, no matter how much truth there is to what he says about her, whenever he does say something, I'd stop him and remind him that he had sex with this "pathetic" person and has no right to claim moral superiority. Ditto what Whiteflower said. Kudos Dexter. Of course the problem is that Amy seems to have bought into this mentality - that her poor H was allowed to seek sex however he could while she was not up to the job. It doesnt show much humanity on either of their parts. And Mary3 exactly. He is now gaslighting Amy the same way he gaslighted the Other woman. And Amy doesnt want to see that. She simply wants to blame the woman because her H couldnt keep it in his pants and wasnt man enough to own up to the full truth about the situation once it was over.
Mary3 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Its almost a form of brainwashing : " Uh honey , she meant nothing " ( Biggest LIE ) " Uh babe , she's just psycho and causing trouble " ( If I could earn $ 10 for every time a man said that to his spouse after ****** ( OW ) her brains out . " Yea babe , I want US , this . as in this house , this bank account . this cozy quiet street and NO child support if you ever WAKE UP ! " It was just the sex ( Yea , the AMAZING sex ~~ how a man can **** a women for 4 YEARS tells you everything you need to know. ) " I won't do it again = I WILL do it again but be more careful so you don't find out. ( Yea I am sure maybe he confessed but its BECAUSE The poo was going to hit the fan ) The BEST thing to say to a cheater is " Hey your clothes will be in the driveway in about an hour ".
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