How can I make it stop?? Suggestions

[jj33]

I find it very difficult to believe that he is not doing something to invite this. Very very difficult.

 

Otherwise why would an occasional email from her be such a big deal. So what if she texts or emails and says happy birthday if he doesnt respond and he never contacts her and she doesnt contact in between then who cares.

 

I have to say that after a 4 and a half year relationship it is not surprising she has not gotten over it in a year. She is alone. She could be me.

 

You have posted other threads and you havent wanted to believe it but its VERy difficult to believe your Hs story. He may tell you he didnt love her but 4.5 years? Of course he told her he loved her and the fact that he was with her for that period of time gave her ample reason to beleive it. remember no matter what he told you to save hte marriage he had an intimate relationship with her for almost 5 years.

 

You mention co workers. How do you know these things? Do they work together?

 

And as for Facebook that is not a business networking site. Its a social site so of course he doesnt need that for business.

 

You and your H may just need to wait it out. Not respond and just ignore it. An occasional email is not harrassment. It is certainly not grounds for a restraining order.

 

I hasten to add that your H sounds like a real gem. You had sexual problems so he "had" to "use" this other woman who was lonely and alone and in love with him because it was an easy free sexual outlet (why pay when you can get it for free eh?)

 

And you beleive and accept all this? That it was OK for him to f*** her when you werent physically able but she should slither off into the darkness now that you are well and can take care of his physical needs again.

 

Im sure you dont see it that way, but objectively that is what you are condoning. She wasnt a member of staff. She is a person with feelings and just like you buy your Hs story, she bought it for 5 years. I think you are just going to have to deal with it. The email is a free space and if he cant block her he is just going to have to ignore her. Nothing she is doing is harrassment. It just feels that way to you because she is a thrid party who is no longer useful.

[2sunny]

keep in mind that they probably had a plan for "after the dust has settled" ... which usually includes what it will look like after you found out and the period of time has passed when she understands that you may not being paying attention as much - which usually consists of some sort of contact that will start things up in some way, shape or form again.

 

this is her reason for her attempted contact. ask him what they conspired with... i'll bet money this is why she's coming in the back door. she is only following his "plan."

 

she figures she's waited long enough and now is the time to re-enter the scene based on his prompts...

[delirious]

I am going to try and help you, and your OW, being an OW myself.

 

You cannot really know what has been happening in all this time. He will tell you some things and not others in order to not hurt you and not necessarily deceive you. He loves you, he may have loved her. He may love you more, I don't know.

 

I know that my MM has ended it with me only to take it back the next day. I should not put up with that ****, but hey i really love him and understand his guilt.

 

She needs to really hear from him that he is working on his marriage, that HE DOES NOT LOVE HER. That it is over between them. No meetings no emails no telephone calls, nothing. She is obviously in pain, and there is no reason for you to be sympathetic but really, don't think that just because you had a physical problem, that means their relationship is null. He had something with her and DOES NOT anymore, but it was there nonetheless. If you want to forgive him, you must accept that she was part of his life = she was never nothing to him. It hurts i know, but she is paying the price too.

[Got Me]

I know you said not to focus on what is happening on his end, but I want to explain my current situation to you....as an OW.

 

My MM has called me in front of his wife and told me it was over.

He has called me in front of his kids and told me it was over.

He has blocked my emails.

He has blocked my phone number.

He has written me letters telling me it's over.

 

But guess what? I knew it was coming. As soon as his W found out about us, he told me these were the things that would be necessary for awhile.

 

BTW: He has a phone registered to his company that we talk on, an email account she doesn't know about, I have 3 love letters to every "it's over" letter, flowers once a week (on the credit card she doesn't know about linked to the bank account she doesn't know about), money direct deposited to me bi-weekly (automatic deduction from his paycheck) to build our "nest egg"....life is good, for an OW in my position anyway.

 

Just thought you should know.

[2sunny]

I know you said not to focus on what is happening on his end, but I want to explain my current situation to you....as an OW.

 

My MM has called me in front of his wife and told me it was over.

He has called me in front of his kids and told me it was over.

He has blocked my emails.

He has blocked my phone number.

He has written me letters telling me it's over.

 

But guess what? I knew it was coming. As soon as his W found out about us, he told me these were the things that would be necessary for awhile.

 

BTW: He has a phone registered to his company that we talk on, an email account she doesn't know about, I have 3 love letters to every "it's over" letter, flowers once a week (on the credit card she doesn't know about linked to the bank account she doesn't know about), money direct deposited to me bi-weekly (automatic deduction from his paycheck) to build our "nest egg"....life is good, for an OW in my position anyway.

 

Just thought you should know.

 

yep - and there is the reality of it all... in some way she is in on a plan for him to resurface and contact will be a given.

[1Angel]

Got Me thank you for your honesty.

[Jilly Bean]

yep - and there is the reality of it all... in some way she is in on a plan for him to resurface and contact will be a given.

 

Very well could be, Sunny.

 

I mean, if this guy hid an affair for 4.5 years, and agreed - 4.5 years is not just about easy and great sex - it's LOVE, why would anyone believe him now?

 

I just got a feeling he's still seeing her, and the OP will be back one day to report that.

 

[jj33]

So - I guess my question is for all you OW - how / why did you stop contacting the MM - when / how is it clear to you that your husband is back with his wife?????????????

 

He continues to contact me EVERY CHANCE HE GETS despite the fact that I have begged him not to and even tried to put things in place so that he has no excuse to contact me for business. He contacts me nonetheless.

 

So no matter WHAT he may say about being back with his W and being happy, his actions say something totally different.

 

And this is 2 years after it was "over".

 

Again - PLEASE do not review that my husband is not telling the truth - thaqt is a waste of your effort - I know all there is to know and I am feminine wise doing much better :)

 

See my earlier post - this is very very disturbing. A free pass to have a 4.5 year A when you cant "do it" and then you buy it when he calls her bizarro? Very disturbing on so many levels. But you dont want to hear about that.

 

The fact is, if she only sent 2 emails in a year and you were doing so well as a couple, you wouldnt care.

 

They were together 4.5 years that you know of. A year is nothing in terms of recovery. You may just have to wait it out. Calling her names is SO unkind. Your H had a long and significant relationship with her. You are only fooling yourself if you dont think that it was more than just sex.

[Mino]

Got Me thank you for your honesty.

After every D-day, he came back on the 2-3 day. After everytime he went home again after moving out, he contacted me again...

[jj33]

"She really believes we NEVER had a good relationship as that is what my husband told her so he could continue to get into her pants (in his words she was a "vessel") I know that sounds horrible but he says he did appreciate her unconditional provision of sex and caring for him (she got very carried away). He broke up with her in the middle of the affair to try to make things work with me again BUT she was VERY needy and would not stop calling him, emailing, texting for months and months. She was easy and the sex was good so he got back into it. She was told by him that "he would never leave his wife" but she was happy with having him 2 times / week. "

 

Just look at what you wrote, such ugly ugly words and you seem to take great glee in repeating them. The fact that you would repeat these vile words about a woman your husband used (if as you insist he is telling you the truth). I think this is a case of you reap what you sow.

[Jilly Bean]

she was VERY needy and would not stop calling him, emailing, texting for months and months. She was easy and the sex was good so he got back into it.

 

And the reason you are so sure he's not back with her again, is.... ?

[jj33]

because Amy's feminine problems are over - he has a vessel again at home. Come on Jilly keep up!

[Mino]

because Amy's feminine problems are over - he has a vessel again at home. Come on Jilly keep up!

vessel? you mean like a suragate ( did I spell that right?) vagina?

[jj33]

I was quoting Amy - crass as it is I believe that by "vessel" her husband meant she was just a hole.

[Full Of Hope]

you reap what you sow.

 

I was reading some thread in the Infidelity forum and someone actually said "You reep what you sew"

 

I was just happy to see it written correctly.

Sorry for the interruption...

Back to the show...

[Jilly Bean]

because Amy's feminine problems are over - he has a vessel again at home. Come on Jilly keep up!

 

Well, I'm not a dude, but if I presumably stuck with a woman for 4.5 years ONLY for the incredible sex, I'd have to imagine I'd be going back to it. Particularly if it kept presenting itself...

[hoping2heal]

I had a feeling he was lying to you as soon as I read "he does not want me to contact her, he's afraid she'll snap!".

 

That sounds like the biggest load of contradictory bullcrap I've ever heard. He thinks she's bizarro (and that other word you used forgot) but now he's suddenly concerned she might snap if you contact her? Yeah, not buying it. First of all, I've never cheated as in been with another man. BUT I have betrayed my partner in a way that was equivalent of cheating, and I have complete transparency with him now. He has access to everything; he never even had to ask me for it either. I offered it all up as a token of trust in him, and that he can trust me. If he ever suspected something with another man, I would give him the phone number/contact info immediately and understandbly (because I betrayed him!) and he could see for himself nothing was going on, why? Because I'm not lying or hiding anything.

 

I smell BS and it isn't because I'm watching politics if you get my drift.

[Amybeth]

I am going to try and help you, and your OW, being an OW myself.

 

You cannot really know what has been happening in all this time. He will tell you some things and not others in order to not hurt you and not necessarily deceive you. He loves you, he may have loved her. He may love you more, I don't know.

 

I know that my MM has ended it with me only to take it back the next day. I should not put up with that ****, but hey i really love him and understand his guilt.

 

She needs to really hear from him that he is working on his marriage, that HE DOES NOT LOVE HER. That it is over between them. No meetings no emails no telephone calls, nothing. She is obviously in pain, and there is no reason for you to be sympathetic but really, don't think that just because you had a physical problem, that means their relationship is null. He had something with her and DOES NOT anymore, but it was there nonetheless. If you want to forgive him, you must accept that she was part of his life = she was never nothing to him. It hurts i know, but she is paying the price too.

 

Delirious - your info above was very helpful I think you are right that no matter what I say - she will not believe me - so it will probably not help to tell her any facts as it will fall flat on the fact that I know he told her all kinds of things about caring for her.

 

To the rest of you OW - and to answer your q's...

My husband did not tell me the entire truth after D-day - they never do as they do not want to cause pain but within a week or so - I kept him up every night wanting to know EVERYTHING. I slowly got it out of him. In addition - to add fuel to the fire this OW sent me a LONG email - wanting me to know everything and hoping to GET ME TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND. In her email I learned more than I wanted to and then had more to keep my husband up at night and home many days from work (as we have kids) as I wanted to KNOW everything. I cried for weeks about this whole thing.

 

What I think OW do NOT understand ....

many of you think you had a long / meaningful relationship (4 1/2 yrs the OW in my case)) but come on !! That relationship was part time as he came home to me every night and had a LONGER relationship with me ... for 20 years. We share children, families, holidays the lose of a pregnancy, the dealth of both my parents, his parents aging, our business, moving several times, special needs of our son for the first few years, many wonderful vacations.

 

And she wrote me that they went to Yankee games together, concerts,

had sex in our cars, she made him dinner in her apt many nights, she went to FLA when he went to see his mother (she did not SEE his mother), she went with him to a convention when he went to see his brother (she did not see his brother). Anyway - you get the point there is no comparison BUT YES - I was highly upset at everything on her list and everything that she said.

 

I really do wish all of you and her MOVE ON as you are REALLY punishing yourselves to put up with a relationship that is in secret, LOVE should be something to be proud of and not to hide in shadows. LOVE also should not be a part time basis.

 

YES my husband screwed up and it was not only the sexual problems we were having - it was resulting in a disconnect between us and YES he was really enjoying the sex and adventure from her but always KNEW that she gave too much - he was looking for a PHYSICAL AFFAIR YES - but she took this chance and yes so did he. I do NOT think we, as women, understand HOW IMPORTANT sex can be to a man (yes I get horny but I am not wearing my private parts hanging out on the outside of my body). I really believe it is different between the sexes and we are all about the emotional connection often when men get involved in affairs initially JUST FEEL the ATTRACTION - it is about what is between a man's legs.

 

I do NOT condone what my H did and I feel bad that he hurt her BUT she is a grown woman and made a decision to take this chance - she knew he was married. My H took the chance of losing me. I on the other hand was the innocent party !

 

My husband and I have talked for hours and hours and I can not put it all down here - he left his job, he is with our kids and myself constantly and doing more around the house, communicating more to me, being more affectionate etc etc etc than in years - since before kids. We have come through the other side of knowing we do not want to loose e.o.

 

Every relationship is different BUT having an affair is like playing russian roulette and I do not understand why someone wants to play that game - you saw the movie Fatal Attraction??? Someone is going to be very HURT and there is a 50% (or more by the statistics) it is going to be the OW.

WHY get involved with those odds??

[Jilly Bean]

To the rest of you OW

 

I am not an OW, have never been an OW, and have never been a BS.

 

So, before you assume that everyone who believes your husband is still cheating has some bitterness or personally motivated agenda, you're wrong.

 

It doesn't require a woman scorned to see a guy who is still running game and playing his wife.

 

I know you want to believe he is honorable and true, but c'mon. He carried on an affair with this woman for almost 5 years, and you never knew.

 

I just honestly think he's up to his old tricks, and it sounds like he's got you pretty snowed. See, here's the thing. He already knows if he gets caught cheating again, you'll stick around, since you have already. It kind of enables him, and gives him a green light to do this again.

 

And how many men who have affairs repear the offense? I think the number is quite high.

[Amybeth]

because Amy's feminine problems are over - he has a vessel again at home. Come on Jilly keep up!

 

 

Again - there are many threads on here about how the guy can NOT deal emotionally or otherwise if he is NOT getting it. However you slice it - sex is a NEED.

 

I do think that is the problem after many marriages for MANY years - the excitment decreases... YOu can not tell me if you were with your MM that after 15 - 20 years things would change a little???

 

We got a wake up call - and have been able to put the spark back in as I am not "healthy" again.

[Amybeth]

Again - there are many threads on here about how the guy can NOT deal emotionally or otherwise if he is NOT getting it. However you slice it - sex is a NEED.

 

I do think that is the problem after many marriages for MANY years - the excitment decreases... YOu can not tell me if you were with your MM that after 15 - 20 years things would change a little???

 

We got a wake up call - and have been able to put the spark back in as I am now "healthy" again.

 

Thanx for all the feedback:rolleyes:

[hoping2heal]

Yeah, and you're also in denial. I'm sorry, I also am not a former OW, or former BS, and I don't need to be to see the forest through the trees. Anytime, ANY TIME, someone says or does something that is contradictory within their own words or principals, you know there's a BS fire cooking somewhere.

 

That's sad that you somehow rationalise what happened, like it's normal.

[2sunny]

i would be nervous if i were the wife of a husband as this...

 

what if i got sick... does that mean he again has a green light to justify getting his needs met somewhere else?

 

when - and what situation does he come up with that helps him justify what he will eventually wanting down the road? no wonder she's hanging around... every couple eventually has a bump in the road - and she wants him to be sure that she's sitting on the curb with her legs wide open for him. it's just a matter of timing it all correctly that she sees her opportunity for a bad day in your marriage.

 

seems he should be looking for a valid reason to satisfy his own urges.

 

i'm almost sick with the thought of this mindset for you OP - WHY would you even consider staying with such a selfish - self serving male as this? i don't care how much he was willing to make it up to me - if he had that sense of entitlement at one time - he's likely to still carry the same character trait that says he'll just wait for the right time to blame you again - or justify why he can get it somewhere else.

 

i'd rather be alone and have the peace of mind than be with a male (not a man) that carries the entitlement gene.

[Amybeth]

First I have a question - IF you JILLY BEAN and you HOPING2HEAL are not BS or OW what r u? Why r u on this site and how can you understand anything?

 

Second - yes JB the # are high for repeat offensives BUT probability means there are some that do not. My H & I have worked HARD together to understand - in marriage retreat and GREAT MC from an amazing therapist. I never and my H worked so hard at something that was so hard. he told us that we may not be able to get through it (well me) BUT I did.

 

Third - did you ever hear of "Forgiveness"? I worked hard on this and yes I have.

 

Fourth - I now realize that I should not write a letter to my OW as EVERYONE no matter what sees the world from their own perception and all the explaining I do will not help. AS long as I and my H understand the rest is meaningless.

 

Thanx for giving me closure

[Lyssa]

First I have a question - IF you JILLY BEAN and you HOPING2HEAL are not BS or OW what r u? Why r u on this site and how can you understand anything?

 

It's a public forum - anyone is allowed to post. They gave you good insights for people who are not in affairs etc.

 

You're in denial and I truly hope you'll realised that you're being played by your husband. If you can't take the heat from this forum, I suggest you stop posting.