Amybeth Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I would really love advise from all of you OW.... My story ... My H had an affair that ended over a year ago. The affair though was for 4 1/2 years. We did the MC thing and have really learned alot (and gotten closer again like we were years ago before our kids). This OW really fell for him - I saw emails from her, she was angry. She said he "abandoned her that it was not a break up". He stopped seeing her shortly after I found out. He did not want to loose me, our kids, our home, financial comfort - we have been married for 20 years (Not only did we have some issues in our marriage - but I developed feminine issues that caused significant sexual difficulties.) This was really why the affair started as my husband could NOT deal with it and he looked for it elsewhere. Then it became exciting, fun and they did develop a relationship. He told me he found this older (10 years his senior - but very attractive) woman that had no attachments, was financially independent, and it was easy... but he also said he loved the sex NOT her. Anyway - he has been no contact for 1 year now BUT she keeps attempting to contact him through facebook, Linked in etc (trying to "friend" him through those sites). For his birthday, out of the blue, now for father's day. He either lets me know (as I told him I wanted to know) or I see them on his cell. It is RIDICULOUS already ! She really believes we NEVER had a good relationship as that is what my husband told her so he could continue to get into her pants (in his words she was a "vessel") I know that sounds horrible but he says he did appreciate her unconditional provision of sex and caring for him (she got very carried away). He broke up with her in the middle of the affair to try to make things work with me again BUT she was VERY needy and would not stop calling him, emailing, texting for months and months. She was easy and the sex was good so he got back into it. She was told by him that "he would never leave his wife" but she was happy with having him 2 times / week. So.. please any advise of how do I get her to STOP - for her sake but also for mine !! I do NOT want her texting my husband "happy birthday" in 10 years from now and I feel she is that kind of person. She really can not seem to get past this !! My husband says (and I heard him with her on the phone several times) he has told her that IT IS OVER but she does not let up. She seems to have some personality disorder as she really was content with so little from him. If I call her which I have thought of doing - I think she will twist everything I say and it will only open up all the old wounds. Is there anything / anyway - that finally can get her to move on!!! Please do not turn this on me - I really do not want to defend anything - I am way past that - my husband and I have done everything to put this behind us and we have:love: EXCEPT for my getting upset when she still tries to contact him. PLEASE HELP
2sure Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 He still has contact with her. He has told her it is over, but she still calls - so there is still contact. It is his responsibility to ensure that this woman cannot contact him and he hasn't done that. My H had to change his cell phone number, delete an email account, and remove himself from any networking sites. His cell phone and website were used for his job, so changing these things was a big inconvenience to him. But he had to do it. Your H still has contact with her because he doesnt mind it.
mourningMM Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 that you need to protect yourselves and your marriage. You also don't really know what he says to her if unless you are there when he says it, or writes it (much more safe). Needy can turn crazy. If you were in marriage counseling, then you know how to look at behaviors while loving the person. The fact he turned an older woman who has feelings like any other person into an object would indicate that he has some real work on sympathy and empathy and just plain good human behavior to do. I'd suggest that he writes an appology that states BLUNTLY he is sorry that he used her for sex. He should be sorry that he treated another person like that. He should also let her know that he is honoring his vows with you and does not believe it would be healthy for him to have any contact with her. He should, with kindness and consideration, suggest that she see a therapist about her attachment issue. It is an attachment he does not want, and that is causing distress in his marriage. He should thank her for her generous spirit, and suggest that she share that passion with someone who doesn't have a wife...someone who can give her the attention that she wants and needs without hurting other people. And you should probably have him get a court order to enclose in the hand written letter so that she knows he is serious. If you really want to put a stake in it, enclose a hand written note from you saying that you are sorry your husband caused her harm and that you hope she can honor his committment to his marriage by giving him the consideration he asks. Be prepared, be compassionate, be united...she is probably very hurt to have given him so much of herself and then have been abandoned. He may well have lied to her, or more likely allowed her to lie to herself about their relationship. Honestly, marriage counseling might have helped the two of you get back together, but the behaviors that this shows on his part probably needs some attenion in a 1:1 with him and a therapist. What he did was cold. I had "women issues" myself, and the man that I was with found a way to keep both of us satisfied as we worked through them. We got inventive, and a little...kinky...but we worked on it together. We weren't even married...go figure. What he did was avoid the mess. Not cool; cold. Inconsiderate. Just as inconsiderate as using her. Love him, work with him through his issues; know that if he loves you whatever she does will not change that. Know that if sex is that important to him, that he'd break a vow for it, you need to be there for him somehow.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 First thing, your H needs to change his cell phone number, then block her on facebook, or change his name on FB, or even cancel his account for a while.. Do what 2sure has suggested, that he also create a new email account so she can't email him either. It's good that you and your H are united on this and that he's told you of all her contact attempts. He owes this OW nothing now, it's been over a year and she's making attempts to see if he's interested again..Ignore her, don't respond to anything, silence is the key here.
LaGazelle Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Amybeth, I'm terribly sorry you are going through this, and I wish you a speedy and satisfactory resolution. If your husband is serious about ensuring the OW's intrusion stops, and restoring marital exclusivity, then he should have absolutely NO CONTACT with her. If he is serious, he should give her a final warning, which makes it clear that if they cannot personally resolve the issue "amicably", he will resort to legal measures such as a harassment report/restraining order. It might help if during the final warning, he walks the tightrope of being GENTLE and COMPASSIONATE but FIRM and DIRECT in order to ease her distress but convey the key message. From that moment on, if he can't change his number, and she persists, he should REJECT all phonecalls and keep a log of call dates/times,all letters, emails, and texts which may be required by the police if the situation worsens. He should also block her on FB - that's easy to do. Best of luck with rebuilding your marriage.
Owl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 He needs to send her a clear message...with you clearly copied as part of that message, to her telling her that it is over, he's chosen to work on rebuilding his marriage with you, and that he wants NO FURTHER CONTACT OF ANY KIND with her ever again. That simple, point blank, and unmistakeably coming from BOTH of you. If she's contacting him via a public forum...I'd post a PUBLIC reply back to her in the same forum. If she's contacting him via email/txt/etc...then he needs to send her a private response...with you clearly copied on the message so that she sees that as well.
stuckinoz Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Does this other woman know that you are fully aware that she is still in the picture? I am definitely not an advocate for getting involved - I think that IF your husband wants it to end HE needs to handle it & MAKE her stop......but your situation sounds like it's very different than most. This OW sounds like a nut-job! IF your husband is asking her to stop & she isn't, perhaps you should email or phone her yourself. Find out what he's saying to her EXACTLY....& IF she tells you that he has said nothing of NC - then you kind of have a new problem........BUT IF she says he has asked her to stop - Maybe you should TELL her to do the same...& be firm with her!
torranceshipman Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I think some of what you write glosses over the real issues. This whole 'she's needy and has attachment issues' thing is probably actually a normal woman driven half mad by a guy who lied to her and gaslighted her continually to get what he wanted. You have no ideas the lies he probably told and sounds to me like he doesn't mind a bit of ego feeding from her, which is why he hasn't yet had the bright idea of changing his number, etc. You have no idea the things he's said to her and he MIGHT WELL have given her subtle messages of some kind that there is still something there for her to hold on to. She might also be going for all this contact as he might be giving her something in return. Really sorry you're going through this - you don't deserve it. But all I am saying is don't just pass this off as a crazy OW with a problem and lay it all at her door whilst believing your H's 'she's crazy' story (remember lying isn't a problem for him) - I think your H has a role here as well - just a hunch. He might also be badmouthing her to get back in your good books as just remember how he spoke about you to the OW to get in HER goodbooks.
Adunaphel Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 If I were you, I'd call her, meet her and have a talk with her. She would get some closure, sense of reality might sink in, getting to know you and realizing that she got lied to about you might help her get over it, and she might stop trying to contact your H. Also, I have a feeling that it might be wise to hear her side of the story. There might be something about your H you do not know about. A man who can use a woman like he did is ...well, a man who is capable of using a woman like he did (assuming he told you the truth, which happens to be as bad as the lies).
bentnotbroken Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 If I were you, I'd call her, meet her and have a talk with her. She would get some closure, sense of reality might sink in, getting to know you and realizing that she got lied to about you might help her get over it, and she might stop trying to contact your H. Also, I have a feeling that it might be wise to hear her side of the story. There might be something about your H you do not know about. A man who can use a woman like he did is ...well, a man who is capable of using a woman like he did (assuming he told you the truth, which happens to be as bad as the lies). Meeting doesn't always work. I am proof. Even if she can have him, they don't always stop.
Mino Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Hi, There are always two sides to the story. How do you know what he is saying to you is truth? An A that last this long, is not just for sex. But I assume he would never admit this to you, his wife... So he down plays it, I had to laugh when I read she emailed him and she was "needy, SOOOO he had to get back into it. Poor man, huh? Had to have charity sex to a needy o/w because she emailed him. What drugs are you on, may I ask? Listen most guys go deeper underground after they are caught. Meaning they get better at the hiding and lying. Hire a Pi.. find out really what he is up to. I cant beleive she is just contacting him for the hell of it. As you see many other woman do go NC, but guess who keeps on calling? I would suggest you take a better look at your husband , he is not as inocent as you think, and then take your rose colored glasses off too, they are hindering your vision. Your DH is not really a darling....
2sunny Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 your husband hasn't put up enough road blocks to keep her at bay. he may be telling you about her contact - but he may not be telling you that he actually enjoys the emotional feed to his ego that her contact serves to keep him feeling like this gal is still thinking about him. it feeds his ego = he loves that! if he didn't want her to EVER have the capacity of contacting him - he would have changed EVERYTHING! he hasn't = he's unwilling to still give up all contact. in some very small way - i have to wonder if he contacts her when he won't admit it to you... if he's willing to change everything - THAT is when he will see changes. a lot of people even go to great lengths - such as moving, new jobs etc. if she is stalking him - then file a restraining order.
Kamikaze Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Get a restraining order against her. Then, if she contacts him have her arrested. If he contacts her - have him arrested. Then they will not contact each other again. Kami
torranceshipman Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 In this instance I think a restraining order is melodramatic and just completely invites drama. If you want to find out the real truth then hirea PI, I'd say...
2sunny Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 my gut says he is still connecting with her at least in some small way. four years is a long time for someone to just cut everything off and not feel some pulling of wanting to have contact with her... unless he is generally a heartless and unfeeling man. not too many men can have sex with a gal for more than four years without SOME sort of emotional involvement... if that were the case - he wouldn't have stayed all that time with just one gal. if he's showing you the occasional contact from her - it makes me wonder if they have contact at other times that he doesn't show you. also, what is it that seems to prompt contact from her end? it may be that she still sees small signs that he MAY eventually leave you - or that he's been in contact at some point along the way. what has his emotional state shown you since he broke it off with her... and what work has he done to repair the marriage. has he stated that he slipped up at all through the year as far as connecting with her? why does he have a facebook account that she probably checks often enough to know what he's up to?
Mino Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Get a restraining order against her. Then, if she contacts him have her arrested. If he contacts her - have him arrested. Then they will not contact each other again. Kami Kami, are you naive? Restraining order??? There is something going on, and its NOT NC. He is gaslighting his w, GGEEZZZ, when he said he had to get in again because the O/W was emailing him. I mean if a woman looks at a man, does that mean he has to have sex with her? Is it his obligation now? Restraining order on the willing, explain that to the magistrate:rolleyes: " I want a restraining order on them both, so they stay in NC, lol
no angel Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 My husband changed his # and MANY other things. But I'll be DAMNED if I was going to ask him to do it. I understand why you're upset, but it's time to direct the anger in the right direction. I actually threw my husband out a second time and told him he couldn't come back until he had done EVERYTHING he could to get this woman out of our lives. It was one of the few things he could do to prove to me that he really our marriage to work seeing as how HE screwed it up. I'm not suggesting you do that! (I'm a little feisty) But I refused to BEG for him to what was necessary. He KNEW exactly what he had to do and was slow as molasses in January at getting it done. This sent me the message that he was enjoying the attention even though it was destroying ME and I just wasn't going to have it.
tami-chan Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Get a restraining order against her. Then, if she contacts him have her arrested. If he contacts her - have him arrested. Then they will not contact each other again. Kami a restraining order? Waste of tax dollars. Contact OW...you might be surprise on the her version of the truth. Then tell her to STOP contacting your H. If she says, "well your H is the one contacting me first, etc. etc.", then tell her not to worry about your H, that you will deal with your H ....then deal with your H!
tami-chan Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 " I want a restraining order on them both, so they stay in NC, lol LO!!!!!!!:lmao:!boy, you just keep ''em coming, mino!
Author Amybeth Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Some of you have been helpful and supportive others have really created their own paranoid version of my story created from their own hurts and inbad experiences:( I could not write everything in the post - but my husband did leave his job, stopped teaching at a local adult continuing ed program and cancel his facebk account and give me all the passwords to everything he has. He can NOT change his email address as he has his own business and needs to be able to be found on the internet - so he does have a new email address BUT she found it by googling. Anyway - after months he opened up a new facebook acc't but I will ask him to close it again (he doesn't really need it for business). he will have no objection to that. I could fully explain why / how he treated her the way he did - but that would take a long time - it is not necessary. During their relationship he treated her very well (as he did feel he owed her and he did care about her as a person) but he lost his way due to us not being able to connect sexually - and we all know that in a marriage that is necessary for closeness and connection (I had feminine issues for 1 1/2 before he found her). He was always hoping that I would get better but YES made a mistake but felt trapped in not knowing what else to do. Enough with the explanations - trust me I fully believe he is NOT contacting her and not interested. He is even a little freaked out by her compulsive strong interest in him all this time later WITHOUT him responding. My concern and confusion is he has told her NOT to contact him anymore that it is LONG over and she should move on with her life. She sent him cookies to his new office with a love note and he brought the note home and told me. TOGETHER we wrote a note to her that said he is not interested and she should NOT send anymore notes / contact and that he would NOT be responding ever again that she should move on with her life. We both signed the note and we mailed the cookies back to her. Nothing seems to stop her - she has no one in her life so whenever she is lonely she seems to write him again. I am afraid to contact her but part of me really wants to - to give her closure. I just think that my husband and I am 1 year past D-day and I do not really want to hear all of her thoughts on why it all happened - she doesn't really know the truth. I already heard her thoughts as she had sent me a very long email about all the details - it was painful but helped my husband and I get to the real story and work it out. So - I guess my question is for all you OW - how / why did you stop contacting the MM - when / how is it clear to you that your husband is back with his wife????????????? Again - PLEASE do not review that my husband is not telling the truth - thaqt is a waste of your effort - I know all there is to know and I am feminine wise doing much better :)
Mino Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Amybeth, I think the best thing for you to do is call her. If you and her h ignor her, she is bound to go away. My point earlier, is that she must be recieving some kind of response from him, positive or negative, for her to continue. Have you two gone through MC?
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Then why don't the TWO of you get together with her and lay it all out on the line. Tell her how it really is, the truth. Maybe if you and your H had a united front face to face with her and your H said I have NOTHING to hide, my wife knows everything and I mean everything - Now it's time for you (OW) to listen to OUR truth..Not what "you" think the truth is. Or just completely ignore her. Get your H to keep blocking her from his email address too.
Mino Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Then why don't the TWO of you get together with her and lay it all out on the line. Tell her how it really is, the truth. Maybe if you and your H had a united front face to face with her and your H said I have NOTHING to hide, my wife knows everything and I mean everything - Now it's time for you (OW) to listen to OUR truth..Not what "you" think the truth is. Or just completely ignore her. Get your H to keep blocking her from his email address too. Great idea! If he has nothing to hide, I am sure he will be open to it.
Author Amybeth Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 sooo what has happened... 2 more emails from her over a year later... Just to answer a question - yes we went to MC and even a marriage retreat course that I highly recommend called Imago. My husband thinks this woman is "pathetic and bizarro" for continuing to care about him depite the fact that he has not responded to her in over a year now. Many people mention personality disorders and I really believe she has one for sure. She is so needy and obviously does not have enough self esteem to get over this. Today my husband called optonline and asked about how to block her from his email (he needs for business - on his website etc.) They told him they will mark if as spam and therefore it will not get through to him on his blackberry. He thinks she is very unstable and I know she is as other co-workers (my husband left the job) said she was coming unglued ! He is afraid for me to contact her as he thinks she could snap! I REALLY feel that a woman needs an explanation of why this affair occurred in the first place. If she ONLY believes everything he told her to get into her pants at first - or put it better to have a PA with her (as I could not) she will still think that I am a bitch - can not handle the kids or him and do not love and support him. I feel she needs to know the truth - that he sought her out due to waiting 1 1/2 yrs and I his W could not be physical with him and that at first he thought they could have a PA but she began to really care about him. Sure - he cared about her as a person but the history and all that he shared with me was much more (kids, a home, love etc...). Can I tell her anything in an email that will help her move on??? I know some of you said just ignore her and it will go away - I think she will attempt to contact my husband for years unless I say something to make her stop... OR is there nothing I can say to someone like this????????? Again your comments are greatly appreciated !
2sunny Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 no - there is nothing you can say that will change it for her. this is all about what her mind is thinking and no words will change that. she is most likely still remembering the sweet things your husband told her along the way. he can't take it back now. it isn't about you at all - it is about her... you can't make it different for her. most likely, you will only see a change when she becomes deeply involved with the next man.
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