SoulSearch_CO Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I honestly don't think it's a question about how much MONEY spent, but how much effort was put into it. What appalled me about him tossing a bag of candy to you while you two veg in front of the TV was the lack of imagination. I don't care about a price tag on a date, but if he can't even use his BRAIN to make a girl feel special, that's what bugs me. Guys can be so lazy. So, yeah - the DATES bothered me, but not the PRICE of the dates. It costs the same exact amount to go on a hike somewhere with a picnic basket and that bag of candy to watch a sunset instead of the television.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Promise me the world and then give me an old bag of candy... Sounds like he's full of it.
Cherished Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 no he told me that he wanted to show me how he much he cared for me by buying me flowers or taking me someplace nice. he also at one point asked me if i wanted to go to an amusement park with him, i said yes, but that never happened either... See that's what's bugging me about this guy. I think he might be wanting to get you to say 'I have money, I'll pay for the nice restaurant and amusement park while you save money for your trip.'
MusicChick24 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I would say that you should be glad he is spending time with you PERIOD. Then I must say that it's not all about how much money he's laying down that validates your relationship...or atleast it shouldn't. Then, maybe he doesn't want to spend alot of money. Not everyone makes alot, and right now if you evaluate the economy right now you should realize alot of people are not spending alot right now because they want to protect themselves financially.
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 See that's what's bugging me about this guy. I think he might be wanting to get you to say 'I have money, I'll pay for the nice restaurant and amusement park while you save money for your trip.' Yes, and I'll take it a step further and opine that he is intentionally or incidentally manipulating with words. This isn't gender-specific. It's a sign of a certain type of personality. It's up to the OP whether that type of personality is compatible with hers. Topically, I did the quality vs dollars (inexpensive but creative dating) equation for many years while single and can opine with confidence that it went over with mixed to negative results. I finally changed that perspective and did ultimately get married but found that, through harsh experience, that grass really wasn't any greener, and it's just not my taste. So, in the year of my divorce, it's time to till the field and start up my wildflower patch again
EddieN Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You don't have to answer this but have you been intimate? If you have, he is probably thinking "Wow, I don't have to spend anything on this girl and I don't even have to make any effort to keep her around than giving her my old bag of candy I didn't want anyway. SWEET!" Another possibility is that you have made yourself too available to him and he feels that you are already "his" with virtually the snap of his finger, no more effort or planning on his part is necessary. Maybe perhaps don't answer your cell the next few times he calls and don't say "Yes" immediately after he asks to see you. Just hanging out at his apartment the day he asks you is not a date. Once he figures out you are not going to just "hang out" at his whim, he may actually make a dinner reservation and figure out where to buy those roses. Keep that man on his toes and when he says "jump" don't say "how high?" Wow, like this isn't game playing. "Cut off the intimacy and ignore him until he buys you more crap." Seriously, you're turning a molehill into a mountain. If the guy is anything like me, he doesn't have much money to spend. He's willing to spend a bit, but too much would compromise plans he had (his vacation) long before he met this girl. If she really liked him, she would be happy with the time she's spending with him and appreciate whatever little things he can get her. And I'd bet you that the OP is distorting what he said to her about the roses.
bean1 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Let's not forget that these two have been dating around 4 weeks. Do we even know if the OP and this guy are exclusive or is that an assumption? Rather than view this guy as yanking her chain or being manipulative, perhaps the OP and him are not on the same page as to how serious this relationship actually is? How old are they?
northstar1 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You don't have to answer this but have you been intimate? If you have, he is probably thinking "Wow, I don't have to spend anything on this girl and I don't even have to make any effort to keep her around than giving her my old bag of candy I didn't want anyway. SWEET!" Another possibility is that you have made yourself too available to him and he feels that you are already "his" with virtually the snap of his finger, no more effort or planning on his part is necessary. Maybe perhaps don't answer your cell the next few times he calls and don't say "Yes" immediately after he asks to see you. Just hanging out at his apartment the day he asks you is not a date. Once he figures out you are not going to just "hang out" at his whim, he may actually make a dinner reservation and figure out where to buy those roses. Keep that man on his toes and when he says "jump" don't say "how high?" Terrible Advice. Do these games work for you?
dreamergrl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You don't have to answer this but have you been intimate? If you have, he is probably thinking "Wow, I don't have to spend anything on this girl and I don't even have to make any effort to keep her around than giving her my old bag of candy I didn't want anyway. SWEET!" Another possibility is that you have made yourself too available to him and he feels that you are already "his" with virtually the snap of his finger, no more effort or planning on his part is necessary. Maybe perhaps don't answer your cell the next few times he calls and don't say "Yes" immediately after he asks to see you. Just hanging out at his apartment the day he asks you is not a date. Once he figures out you are not going to just "hang out" at his whim, he may actually make a dinner reservation and figure out where to buy those roses. Keep that man on his toes and when he says "jump" don't say "how high?" Yes, toy with him until he gives you anything you want, because that is almost how a relationship works. :rolleyes: Not everyone can afford to spend loads of money on a date. He's trying to save money to do something he's been dreaming of LONG before Op came along. I would be 100% unimpressed if a guy expected me to set back BIG plans I made prior to him, because he wants more materialistic crap. If you're looking to be lavished with gifts, find someone that can do it for you, and doesn't mind gold digging. Don't play games with a guy just because he has his priorities different then what you want.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Topically, I did the quality vs dollars (inexpensive but creative dating) equation for many years while single and can opine with confidence that it went over with mixed to negative results. Awww. That's a shame! I think it would be downright charming. I wish less people would equate money with quality. That's ridiculous.
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 If the young man were posting, I would suggest to him to follow his path and accept that others may/will find his path uninteresting and to learn to accept that. Finding acceptance and happiness within is something others cannot influence nor control nor take away. I would also counsel him to be honest in his words and dealings. Do not promise nor intimate what one cannot or will not reasonably deliver. A corollary advice for a woman would be to choose her direct words carefully. When she says "I'd love to do/go/get xxxx", she needs to own those words, and not later say "well, just because I say I want something doesn't mean I *really* want it, as in for it to actually happen". When one loves, one values, and that should be a two-way street.
dreamergrl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Perhaps he's promising things I can't give because he feels pressured into doing so.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 A corollary advice for a woman would be to choose her direct words carefully. When she says "I'd love to do/go/get xxxx", she needs to own those words, and not later say "well, just because I say I want something doesn't mean I *really* want it, as in for it to actually happen". When one loves, one values, and that should be a two-way street. WTF? LOL I seriously don't understand how women get away with this behavior. It's ridiculous.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Wow, like this isn't game playing. "Cut off the intimacy and ignore him until he buys you more crap." Seriously, you're turning a molehill into a mountain. If the guy is anything like me, he doesn't have much money to spend. He's willing to spend a bit, but too much would compromise plans he had (his vacation) long before he met this girl. If she really liked him, she would be happy with the time she's spending with him and appreciate whatever little things he can get her. And I'd bet you that the OP is distorting what he said to her about the roses.Do you make empty promises? I hope not because that's a poor way to expectation manage, as well, it also illustrates how someone deals with life, not being straight up. If you have little, just accept it within yourself. Take the girl for coffee and milkshakes and that's all fine. Once again, the guy is full of it. I wouldn't trust someone like this who pretends to be someone he's not.
Lizzie60 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 How about paying yourself for all the candies/fries/burgers you want? How about taking HIM to a nice restaurant? Why does it always have to be the GUY who is nice and spends tons of money on the girl... geeeezzzzzz :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Art_Critic Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Questionheart.. if I may ask how old are you ? and old is he ?
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 WTF? LOL I seriously don't understand how women get away with this behavior. It's ridiculous. Can't speak for others but, in my case, I enabled such behaviors, so that's my responsibility. Short of communicating in writing in proper legal form, there is always a possibility of and perhaps propensity for rewriting of history. MC helped me set better boundaries and accept that the setting of those boundaries might result in a negative response, and that's OK. Any wisdom in that for the OP or her dating partner? Unknown.
DarkestDreams Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You don't have to answer this but have you been intimate? If you have, he is probably thinking "Wow, I don't have to spend anything on this girl and I don't even have to make any effort to keep her around than giving her my old bag of candy I didn't want anyway. SWEET!" Another possibility is that you have made yourself too available to him and he feels that you are already "his" with virtually the snap of his finger, no more effort or planning on his part is necessary." I have to agree with this. They've been dating for a month and he's not putting a lot of effort into it, monetarily or otherwise. The bag of candy was an incredibly tacky gesture. Him saying that he's going to take you out to a nice dinner is another faux pas. That's like saying "If you're nice and behave, I might just take you out sometimes". Well yay for you! If he wanted to do it, he'd do it, not plan and advertise it like it's a damn wedding. This is the stage of the relationship that should be all about courtship, sitting around on his couch watching tv and eating some old candy isn't going to make a lady feel special, but he figured by now that it will do. I doubt it's going to get any better in the future. You should be more worried about his attitude than the amount of money he's willing to spend. You're setting your own bar, OP, and if he's not willing to put some effort into this, there are plenty of other men who will.
loveslife Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I don't know. It's hard to know really what's going on between the two of them. However, the OP feels like he's not treating her like the special person she is, and that's all that really matters. To me, he just sounds lazy. It's not really about the money, it's about the courtship. The effort. He could take her to dinner or for a hike in the woods. He would take her to see sights that caught his eye that he thinks she would like. This guy doesn't seem to want to get off his couch for the OP. I think if he arranged activities doing things he thought she would enjoy, the OP would be happy. Yes? No? Maybe?
collegekid491 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Using that formula the richer the guy the more love he has to give lol. If thats the case, my gf is in trouble! Don't get me wrong, I buy my girl flowers, yesterday she was sad so I bought her massage oil and cheered her up with that, but its more of a... emergency, if I have to spend money. For instance, I bought her a stuffed monkey the other day when she was sick (don't ask... has to do with a embarrassing name she has for me lol), now its packed up in her closet somewhere, but my 5$ charm bracelet with a button on it (inside story) she wears every day DESPITE having allergies to steel.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Using that formula the richer the guy the more love he has to give lol. If thats the case, my gf is in trouble! Don't get me wrong, I buy my girl flowers, yesterday she was sad so I bought her massage oil and cheered her up with that, but its more of a... emergency, if I have to spend money. For instance, I bought her a stuffed monkey the other day when she was sick (don't ask... has to do with a embarrassing name she has for me lol), now its packed up in her closet somewhere, but my 5$ charm bracelet with a button on it (inside story) she wears every day.Do you tell your g/f that you're going to buy her things, take her out on the town, but never do it? Having less is nothing to be ashamed about. Not following through, is a very, very big red flag!!
collegekid491 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Do you tell your g/f that you're going to buy her things, take her out on the town, but never do it? Having less is nothing to be ashamed about. Not following through, is a very, very big red flag!! Thats a good point, with the following through part, guess didn't really think about that
Art_Critic Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Thats a good point, with the following through part, guess didn't really think about that I also think age might be an issue in this OP... The younger someone is it doesn't occur to some that what they just did or said on a date wasn't really all that cool... When I was 12 I was offering a girl a ride on my bike or sharing a Popsicle.. When I was 15 I was taking her to the malt shop for a milkshake. When I was 18 I was taking her to nice restaurants, buying her nice things.. and so on.. so on....
dreamergrl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I think it is possible he feels pressured into promising things. Not that I'm excusing a broken promise, but if OP wants all these great things, maybe he's trying to tell her what she wants to hear. Maybe she asks him for things that she wants, he feels guilty, says he'll do it to please her. Sometimes when we don't amount to as much as we'd like, we want to come off as more then what we are.
collegekid491 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I also think age might be an issue in this OP... The younger someone is it doesn't occur to some that what they just did or said on a date wasn't really all that cool... When I was 12 I was offering a girl a ride on my bike or sharing a Popsicle.. When I was 15 I was taking her to the malt shop for a milkshake. When I was 18 I was taking her to nice restaurants, buying her nice things.. and so on.. so on.... you mean after 18 it gets even worse?!?!?!?! lol, I guess I should bid shrodley if I want that new car
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