Author MusicChick24 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 fair enough, I can be wrong, is it to late to trade my rant in for immaturity vote then? lol Haha I want your true opinion. I want everyone's opinion.
Author MusicChick24 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Was posting while the thread evolved to this. I vote immaturity also. You say this has only been going on for four months? He only started this "Control" thing in the past couple days.
Kamille Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 He only started this "Control" thing in the past couple days. What about reporting what his friend and mom supposedly opine about you? How long has that been going on?
Author MusicChick24 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 What about reporting what his friend and mom supposedly opine about you? How long has that been going on? He did that tonight. He told me that one of his friends told him he needed to be in control and I said whom cause I thought maybe his brother said it. And he said his best female friend from high school (whom is a whore may I add no one you would EVER take relationship advice from) and I was like "why would you take her advice she can't stay in a relationship. Then he said "well my mom said you were controlling, does that bother you?" And I was like no, cause it probably happened last year, and if it didn't then I don't give a f*ck.
Ronni_W Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 He told me that one of his friends told him he needed to be in control Then he needs to grow a pair with that friend of his, or dump that friend's ass. Cos now it's sounding is if your guy was fine until his friend decided for him that he is/has been emasculated. Maybe that's why your guy doesn't have any concrete examples? -- cos it is not his original idea/perception/feeling? To quote Debra from 'Everybody Loves Raymond', and Rachel from 'Friends': "Men are such idiots!"
Author MusicChick24 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Then he needs to grow a pair with that friend of his, or dump that friend's ass. Cos now it's sounding is if your guy was fine until his friend decided for him that he is/has been emasculated. Maybe that's why your guy doesn't have any concrete examples? -- cos it is not his original idea/perception/feeling? To quote Debra from 'Everybody Loves Raymond', and Rachel from 'Friends': "Men are such idiots!" Yeah. We talked about it last night and he said that she told him last year...why it just came up last night...who knows? But he's seeming like his idea is that he wants to feel like "the man" in the relationship..you know? He wants to provide etc and not feel like I'm trying to do that for the both of us. By the way he talked last night I think he meant he wants to "take the lead" instead of be "in control". This is when I remind him he makes more money than I do and stroke his ego. So we'll see how it goes.
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Do you think she (the friend) wants him (or just doesn't want you to have him) and is trying to manipulate him for her own goals? WRT his mother, does your impression of her match his words or is he just talking out his ass? If the former, tread carefully. Mothers can be formidable influences with their adult sons, even if the son otherwise rebels against their advice and perspective. IME, a neutral tone is best. I'll never forget some of the ugly things my wife said about my mother, even though, in principle, I agreed with her. It was the tone that stuck with me. Male friends have shared similar. Words to the wise Prior I described how a man can feel when out of control. Now, I can see that this man (and I've been in a similar position) is deciding how to accept, prioritize and process the perspectives of those he feels loyalty to. He has far more history with the other two women (his mother and friend) and needs to reconcile that with what he feels is his current truth. If he's otherwise a good man, I'd be patient here, but with a firm timeline. I personally think, when a man chooses a mate, his loyalties lay with her, and vice-versa. YMMV, of course
sally4sara Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I've read so far that he is a mama's boy and the OP does everything for him. Now, one might think from that, that he is a bit of a bumbling boy who can't be counted on to take care of things himself. Someone may have pointed that out to him and now he has it on his mind that HE needs to be in control to be a man. To be a husband. He doesn't know how to do it because his ma and his GF handle everything for him. So he is going the bratty and manipulative route due to not really knowing what it means to be "in control" or be a man. Maybe now he is blaming his inability to figure out what those things mean on his GF and calling her controlling. He is trying to pin it on her. Funny, now he wants you to feel his shame for him too (still a way of you doing everything for him wouldn't you say?). I don't think I'd marry this guy anytime soon.
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I've read so far that he is a mama's boy and the OP does everything for him. Unsure about the latter, but the former apparently has legs.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t174932/
sally4sara Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Unsure about the latter, but the former apparently has legs.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t174932/ So perhaps this is the result of the OP's BF trying to explain to his ma that he and his GF want more peer time and less family time? Sounds plausible. Maybe ma thinks he only wants it because of the OP and told him OP controls him?
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Yes, this is plausible and likely IME. OP, I know good men who have very strong family bonds. Their family exists above all else. Would you say this guy is otherwise a good man? If so, what do you propose? Imagine that his mother thinks (unreasonably) no woman is good enough for her son. How do you proceed?
sally4sara Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Yes, this is plausible and likely IME. OP, I know good men who have very strong family bonds. Their family exists above all else. Would you say this guy is otherwise a good man? If so, what do you propose? Imagine that his mother thinks (unreasonably) no woman is good enough for her son. How do you proceed? To me, till he finds the ability to stand against his mother (as nicely as possible of course) he won't be a man to himself or his GF. Being into your family while still being your own person is part of growing up. If this isn't done before the OP marries the guy, she will always be an other to his real family dynamic.
loser101 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Yes, this is plausible and likely IME. OP, I know good men who have very strong family bonds. Their family exists above all else. Would you say this guy is otherwise a good man? If so, what do you propose? Imagine that his mother thinks (unreasonably) no woman is good enough for her son. How do you proceed? he has to be assertive enough to deal with his mother. you know having a strong bond and loving your family is not the same as letting them dominate your life. all of these things are signs of a weak man in my opinion
carhill Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I can express and agree with that opinion (and I do) but I want to hear from the OP. What does she think and how does she feel. Apparently, she's been dealing with this for some time....
Ronni_W Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 But he's seeming like his idea is that he wants to feel like "the man" in the relationship..you know? He wants to provide etc and not feel like I'm trying to do that for the both of us. By the way he talked last night I think he meant he wants to "take the lead" instead of be "in control". That makes sense. For you, yeah. It is about reinforcing his strengths, and helping him to feel confident and good about himself. But. Ultimately HE is 100% responsible for his own feelings of high self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence. If he doesn't get working on that from the INSIDE, there is nothing and nobody on the outside that will ever be able to give him enough "validation". I think in relationships it is about EACH person taking turns to take the lead, depending on which strength/quality is needed, when. More like "contributing equally" than "controlling" or "leading", maybe? Yes, you do have to stay aware and leave him the 'space' to do that, but HE also has to then step up, and into, that space/role. It's much more than just who makes the most money, although some people do see that as a really big indicator of "who is in charge". Glad you guys have reached a deeper and more mutual understanding of what's going on for him -- wishing you both continued improvements and success
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 MusicChick, your b/f has been infected by the current pop culture of what makes a man aka domineering and controlling. Too bad it's so far off what really makes a man. Internal strength is what makes a man, someone who makes good choices in life, instead of rigidly adhering to the false "self-respect" that's just a mask for pride/ego and major insecurities. Once again, watch his progression carefully. In his evolution to be a man, he can go either way. Watch out for bantam roosters.
Author MusicChick24 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 I appreciate all the advice. I will watch this continually. We are not going to get married anytime soon, we are both still growing and maturing in ourselves as well as each other. He has alot of growing to do to find whom he is and the balance that comes with friends and family, and I have growing and adjusting to do as well. You will stay updated if anything else arises.
Kamille Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Is it just me? It strikes me as odd that musicchick feels that her bf "has a lot of growing up to do". I know she says she also has some growing up to do, but she says somewhere else that she was more mature then he was. Musicchick, this does make me wonder if there isn't some kind of dynamic between the two where he would feel undermined. Like you're mothering him or something. Basically, it makes me wonder if you're in a relationship where you're trying for him to change. Either you love him, accept him and see a future with him as he is now, or you're in for one of those "never quite right" relationships. What do you mean when you say he has growing up to do?
Author MusicChick24 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Is it just me? It strikes me as odd that musicchick feels that her bf "has a lot of growing up to do". I know she says she also has some growing up to do, but she says somewhere else that she was more mature then he was. Musicchick, this does make me wonder if there isn't some kind of dynamic between the two where he would feel undermined. Like you're mothering him or something. Basically, it makes me wonder if you're in a relationship where you're trying for him to change. Either you love him, accept him and see a future with him as he is now, or you're in for one of those "never quite right" relationships. What do you mean when you say he has growing up to do? I shall clarify. I mean that we have alot more growing up to do (both of us) because we are still youngish (college students). I say I am more mature than him because I have been in more relationships, when he has only been with me. So that's only more maturity in a relationships sense. I do want him to change, but not in the "your my project" kind of sense, in the fact that I want him and I to grow together. Hope that helps.
Author MusicChick24 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 How is it you would like him to change? Wow you really take everything that comes out of my mouth in a literal sense. I just said I meant change by us growing as people together NOT change in the sense of "I want you to do this, this and this." We are both relatively young adults still and we have alot of growing to do, and I hope we can continue to grow together. Growing up brings chance in it's own way. I meant that as we grow and continue to mature in our relationship and in our lives we will inevitably change but I hope we change together. I DONT want HIM to change. I was just concerned about his need to control starting to come out because my best friend just came out of a controlling and then abusive relationship. Not that I thought he would do that to me, it was just a concern. He has now expressed to me that the CONTROL is not the issue he needs to feel like the MAN because I have a tendency to step in and take the lead all the time, and he needs his time to shine too and I understand that.
carhill Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Here's a key signal. Do you trust and believe in him when he 'takes the lead'? Why?
Kamille Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Musikchick, I was concerned with those statements for the reasons I stipulated above. I understand they were just expressions, but I guess I had to make sure of it as they could have pointed to a deeper problem. We all know you can't change a man. And we all know it's always best to recognize our partner's strenghts so i'm glad that your bf and you have found a solution that works for you.
1Angel Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I've read so far that he is a mama's boy and the OP does everything for him. Now, one might think from that, that he is a bit of a bumbling boy who can't be counted on to take care of things himself. Someone may have pointed that out to him and now he has it on his mind that HE needs to be in control to be a man. To be a husband. He doesn't know how to do it because his ma and his GF handle everything for him. So he is going the bratty and manipulative route due to not really knowing what it means to be "in control" or be a man. Maybe now he is blaming his inability to figure out what those things mean on his GF and calling her controlling. He is trying to pin it on her. Funny, now he wants you to feel his shame for him too (still a way of you doing everything for him wouldn't you say?). I don't think I'd marry this guy anytime soon. Horray! Great post.
Trialbyfire Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 He has now expressed to me that the CONTROL is not the issue he needs to feel like the MAN because I have a tendency to step in and take the lead all the time, and he needs his time to shine too and I understand that.You realize that this is a control issue, don't you? The difference is that the issue encompasses both of you. I'm glad that the two of you are able to work through this. As long as his search for manhood doesn't trump the relationship needs, it's all good. And as long as you learn to step back, so he has enough control within reason, it's all good. If either part of this issue gets overwhelming, then it appears to be a compatibility issue due to a difference in needs within the relationship dynamic.
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