gorgio Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I know I need to move on, but am still stuck. Long story short, girl left me for another guy because I was never fully committed (I have posted my story in a separate thread). There is a major divide between my emotions and rational : My rational: I never wanted to be with that girl, if I did I would have commited. Even though we connected on an intellectual level there were things that probably bothered me. She is seeing someone else now who treats her well and she might find happiness with him which is a good thing. If she gets married, so be it, if you and her were meant to be, it will happen in the future. My emotions: You love that girl, you were just not ready to commit at the time and most of the flaws you found are nothing when compared to the bond that you both had. She is seeing someone else now and she will get married to him and I will never get her back again. I have to do something about it. How do I snap out of it? The fact that I believe that they will get married (based on her history with past partners and the way things were going before we went NC) is making it harder.
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Gorgio, Not sure if this will help or not but those aren't your emotions...those are your thoughts about your emotions. How do you FEEL about what you're thinking? Mad, bad, sad, glad or scared? Mad, you do anger release work. Sad, you do grief work. Etc. Whatever the emotions actually turn out to be, you would be wise to express/let them out. Cry, paint, jog, whatever you need to do. A counselor/therapist can make the process easier. If you're feeling confused, it's because you' re alternating between two opposite sets of belief-thoughts. Pick ONE position, and stick with it. When you become aware of entertaining thoughts from the 'other side', interrupt them. Change what you're doing, think about something else entirely, or remind yourself what is the position/perspective that you've decided to hold about all of it. Sending hugs and healing.
Author gorgio Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 Gorgio, Not sure if this will help or not but those aren't your emotions...those are your thoughts about your emotions. How do you FEEL about what you're thinking? Mad, bad, sad, glad or scared? Mad, you do anger release work. Sad, you do grief work. Etc. Whatever the emotions actually turn out to be, you would be wise to express/let them out. Cry, paint, jog, whatever you need to do. A counselor/therapist can make the process easier. If you're feeling confused, it's because you' re alternating between two opposite sets of belief-thoughts. Pick ONE position, and stick with it. When you become aware of entertaining thoughts from the 'other side', interrupt them. Change what you're doing, think about something else entirely, or remind yourself what is the position/perspective that you've decided to hold about all of it. Sending hugs and healing. Ronni - thanks again for your response. I am feeling bad, sad and I have already grieved, cried and painted a lot. I am also seeing a therapist who is helping realize the reason for the sadness but is not getting me anywhere otherwise. Part of me wants to stick with the 'hope' belief but I need to move on and let this all go which is hard. I guess you are right, I just don't really want to let this go. As I have said, this is very foreign to me since I have always managed to move on. I really think that this is all happening since I am ready to get into a relationship for once in my life and I feel a ton of regrets and the fact that I am not getting any younger... Is there a way to stick with what I described as the 'emotional' side? Wouldn't it just backfire if I realized that she moved on / married? Thanks
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 My emotions: You love that girl, you were just not ready to commit at the time and most of the flaws you found are nothing when compared to the bond that you both had. She is seeing someone else now and she will get married to him and I will never get her back again. I have to do something about it. --- Is there a way to stick with what I described as the 'emotional' side? Wouldn't it just backfire if I realized that she moved on / married? I'm not really sure which parts of the 'emotional side' you want to stick with? And. Maybe it is more about ACCEPTING that she has moved on and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that? The basis of "commitment issues" is said to be the conflicting fears of being abandoned (losing the other) and being engulfed (losing the self.) There's an INNER push-pull going on that makes it impossible to decide on any ONE course of action -- the fear is always there, "If I choose, then I'll end up losing either my Self or the other." To me, a wiser option may be to see if and how this is playing out WITHIN you, and then seek solutions that will alleviate both fears and ensure that your NEXT love relationship is not sabotaged by the same dynamic as in your past. It kinda sounds as if you already suspect or know that, in this case, any hope is going to be of the "false hope" variety. You could ask yourself what makes that sound like an attractive option right now? What feeling, fear or situation would you be able to avoid by holding onto false hope? Or, if you didn't have false hope, what do you think you'd end up with instead?
Author gorgio Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 You could ask yourself what makes that sound like an attractive option right now? What feeling, fear or situation would you be able to avoid by holding onto false hope? Or, if you didn't have false hope, what do you think you'd end up with instead? Ronni - your insights are amazing. I guess I am afraid to realize that I have lost (for the second time in my life) someone that I was compatible with. I think that I am afraid from starting over again, hitting the dating scene for the 100th time and not finding the right girl. I guess I am tired of not commiting which is probably the biggest lesson that I have learned out of this.
sugarmomma Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Sounds like your ego getting in the way. How dare she move on because you wouldn't make a committment?
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I guess I am afraid to realize that I have lost (for the second time in my life) someone that I was compatible with. I think that I am afraid from starting over again, hitting the dating scene for the 100th time and not finding the right girl. I guess I am tired of not commiting which is probably the biggest lesson that I have learned out of this. Good work, gorgio! THAT'S where your healing and moving on lies...fully acknowledging, feeling and facing those fears, with the goal of eventually kicking them right in the ass and out of your life. I mean, you could just do the "false hope" thing but that will just keep you where you are, and/or have you going through this same thing after you next relationship ends the same way. Start getting pissed at those fears that are messing with your head and your heart...kick the effin' crap outta them!!!
Author gorgio Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Good work, gorgio! THAT'S where your healing and moving on lies...fully acknowledging, feeling and facing those fears, with the goal of eventually kicking them right in the ass and out of your life. I mean, you could just do the "false hope" thing but that will just keep you where you are, and/or have you going through this same thing after you next relationship ends the same way. Start getting pissed at those fears that are messing with your head and your heart...kick the effin' crap outta them!!! Ronni - your replies to my threads have been enlightening and to the point. The insight that I have gained here kicks the crap out of sessions with my therapist. Thanks! I just wish I could make things work with the last girl, probably my obsession to fix things and make them work. But I guess it's too late. I need to make the changes and move on.
Ronni_W Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I just wish I could make things work with the last girl, ... But I guess it's too late. I need to make the changes and move on. Er. Pick ONE, gorgio . Pick one 'side' and make a commitment to it. Start to actually LEARN what it feels and looks like to do that. Tell your therapist that you are ready to start looking at your feelings of sadness and loneliness, and your fears of abandonment/rejection and engulfment/being controlled. This stuff is NOT about your ex, it is about what is going on inside of you. That domain is exclusively under your power, control and authority -- YOU alone are in charge of what does and does not happen there. Thanks for your kind words -- glad I've been able to assist.
Author gorgio Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Er. Pick ONE, gorgio . Pick one 'side' and make a commitment to it. Start to actually LEARN what it feels and looks like to do that. . I have picked the 'getting her back' side in the past and we did get back together for a week. I think I can try it again but am just afraid to break NC go LC and go back in time. And yes, it doesn't feel 'great'.
Author gorgio Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Ronni - I really have to thank you. For the first time since this happened I feel so much better, things are much clearer to me now, I have finally started focusing on the right questions. You are right, it's not about my ex but about the way that I deal with my issues and I know that my next relationship will be a good one. This breakup has really made me face problems that I never dared facing. This is the first time that I really see that girl in a different light, I know that tomorrow the bad feelings might return but I feel that I am moving in the right direction. I find it pretty amazing that someone is helping make so much progress on this board, much more than I ever made during my therapy sessions. I feel that I am finally on the way out of this, for once.
Ronni_W Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Glad you're starting to see your "light" and feel your "love", gorgio! Just a guess, but your therapist/therapy sessions most likely have been helping you to get to this point, where you're more open to see and hear things differently. For me in therapy, sometimes there was no forward movement for months and then...BAM!...I get propelled 500 miles ahead, all at once. That's what it can feel like, and sounds like you've been experiencing something similar. This breakup has really made me face problems that I never dared facing. Yeah. There's that term something like "growth-inspiring relationships" -- it's said that those are MEANT to only be temporary, and their purpose is exactly what you've realized -- it was about YOU, and helping YOU to clear out some of your old fears and crap. For sure, feelings of sadness, loneliness, rejection can come back at any time. But now you do have a different way of interpreting those (they're about your own fears and issues...not about what your ex did or did not do.) As you've realized, there are better ways to deal with our "negative" feelings than just beating-up on our own psyche and/or blaming our ex! Like I said before...excellent work and insights on your part! Wishing you continued success
Author gorgio Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Glad you're starting to see your "light" and feel your "love", gorgio! Just a guess, but your therapist/therapy sessions most likely have been helping you to get to this point, where you're more open to see and hear things differently. For me in therapy, sometimes there was no forward movement for months and then...BAM!...I get propelled 500 miles ahead, all at once. That's what it can feel like, and sounds like you've been experiencing something similar. I still think it was rereading your responses to my threads that made me realize my predicament. My therapist didn't even get close to where we got here, as funny as it may seem. I just reread what I wrote and your responses and realized that they were leading me in the right direction. All credit goes to you this time and others that commented on my situation.
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