JohnyB005 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Hey thx for coming to my post. Now if you wanna read the whole thing I suggest you get yourself a nice cup of coffee... and maybe a muffin cauz this is kinda long. Now if you're a woman pls know this : it might not be as bad as it sounds... and if you're a man : Yo bro, I know you understand me, back me up on this I need help. Here we go : The thing in a nutshell is : I'm not sure if I love a (really great) girl I've been dating for 5 years, I think mainly because the first "love" feeling wasnt really there in the first place. You know that feeling when you wish that special someone would love you ? Man I'd have that feeling everytime that girl would walk by, but hem... I'm not talking about the one who's actually with me. See the tragedy here ? She was 19 and so was I, had been to the same high school, we were friends with her family. I'd get to meet her on lots of occasion since her brother was my friend and my sister was her friend and my parents were her parent's friend. Man everytime she was around, I wasnt exacly myself, was trying to be cool or at least not act like a looser. Sometimes I'd just have wanted to say it out loud : "I love you ! pls, do you love me ?!?". Anyways, the first years I knew her I wasnt exacly the type of boy that attracted other girls. I was a well behaved goody goody boy, a bit overweight, and was quite easy to pick on at school. So the ball wasnt exacly in my court if you catch my drift. So I coudn't tell her, I was way too afraid of rejection. Then at the end of high school, and later on in what we call Cegep here in Quebec, I got in shape. I was running 3 to 4 times a week, along with weightlifting 2 to 3 times a week, and on top of that I was taking kickboxing class 6 hours a week. I was feeling pretty good about myself, was starting to get some nice looks from the opposite sex, I was a cuty hehe... but still not a party boy and still a virgin. So you know I was at the stage of trying "the thing". I didn't wanted to have sex right away, I mean, a first kiss was a good objective for starters. And all this time, one thing had been constant in my mind, get the special girl with the special superpower that makes me feel all woozy inside and would ineluctably (if one day I'd get with her) open the door to the land of perfect happyness... the valhallah. You see, during all that time I was training and turning my body into a nice piece of ... you know, I'd get to meet her once in a while. And its not like I wasnt trying to show her I loved her. It wasnt easy tho, because she was going out with a friend of my best friend in school, so I coudnt clown around with that, was trying to avoid throwing **** in the air, hit the fans, and spray all over the place. So I was cautious, popping in conversations with her were the words "you're the best", "you're awesome" and sometimes I would risk "yeah I like you". Man wasnt it obvious love O.o I mean that was like smack dab in the middle of the ****ing duuh !!! A train's coming at you baby and it's screaming "I LOOOOVE YOUUUU!!!" ... I know... It wasnt obvious enough and I sucked at it. So well all these years (6) I'd have tried to tell her, but now was the time : she had left the douchebag and she was available. So since my sister was going on a weeked trip with her and her friends I decided to tag along. It was actually nice, I got to show off a bit. Beating her (that was new) and some other guys at running. Spending time together playing board games and making people laugh with my jokes. The weekend was going well but, only to find out during it that 2 of her friends liked me. Girls are magic, they have a way of vanishing in groups of 5 to leave you alone with one, anyone but the one you really want to be with. Patiently I denied... 2 times in a row. And even thought I was trying to reach out to her by trying my usual "I like you" looser stuff, it wasnt enough. I was afraid of saying the real thing. I had kept a doubt in my mind. If all this time I had never been of interest for her, maybe she was just really not interested with me. One mistake was that I bought into that, the other one was that I wasnt courageous and didnt try hard enough. So with the weeked having a big "FAILED" note over it, I resigned myself to thinking : "man what the hell, I've been waiting for so long, she went out with 2 of my best friends in high school, acted like she never had any interest with me and now I've got the chance to get attention from the opposite sex. I'm done waiting, if I'm no interest for her FINE, I'm moving on." So I decided that I was hitting on girls. Even thought I kept trying with utheone lady, I'd try to make something happen with other girl, and first comes first served. I had spotted a cuty in my secourist group (yep I was some kind of lifeguard... without the swimsuit). Nice kind girl, 2 years younger than me but about to be major, half Brazilan (sexey), deep brown eyes, nice awesome smelling hairs and I won't talk about the posterior but boy was she looking great. Took less than a week we were together, both had our first kiss together. Awesome funny, a bit kinky but still a good girl. I was happy. But then a day when I was in the infirmery waiting for an emergency to pop on the school phone, who do I see passing by the main entrance, going to her class... theonegirl. That's when guilt started to kick in. Did I really love the hot sexy brazilian, or did I only do it for the kisses and the next to come sex ? And that's what has been pursuing me ever since. You know, first you tell yourself that this might be temporary. Then time goes by and you find out that not only the transition girl is hot and fun, but she's cultivated, intelligent (awesome grades), she loves you truely, she's serious, she's unspeakebly patient in many ways, she's attentionate, respects your opinion, non controlling, non creazy, all clean... in other words you're on your way to marriage. 5 years we've been dating, 5 years of patience for her, still holding on. I mentionned marriage once, I'm still not making it official, always putting it off. I feel like a scrub. Cannot tell her I don't love her because a part of me honestly love her, another part of me feels guilt cauz she was like... the 2nd best (no worst thing you could ever say to a girl, I so want to hang myself now)(other way of seing it could be like, she's was the underdog (wemens would so wanna shoot me now but I guess men understands))(so were was I with all these parenthesis ?!?))))))... and the last part of me still wonders... what if... theonegirl. So how are things right now in the present : Theonegirl got married to a looser. She's had a nice little cuty baby girl. I still see her once in a while, still wondering "what if ?". And I'm still with miss brasilia, have been together for 5 years and a half now. Still undecided wondering "do I really truly love her". I tried to break up 3 times, only to find out I'd run straight back to her, my subconscient going : "What the heck you got everything a guy could wish for !!!!! You're creazy or what ? O.o". She lives relatively far (45 mins by car) so I'm seeing her once or twice a week. I've been telling her I want to finish my major in Biology before we live together, that's what has been putting complicated things off the table for a good while (man she's patient... I don't deserve her). In december I'll graduate. You know, she'd make a perfect wife... but I'm still pursued by that first feeling : "she was the 2nd best, you're a piece of trash you don't deserve her... and do you even really truly love her ?... and what if ... the onegirl..." I might have been defeatist, not tried hard enough. I might not have believed in myself enough and should have at least tried to tell her the truth. The truth is I missed the occasion, I missed the boat. I feel like I missed one of the most important things in my life, the moment is gone and now I feel can't do anything about it. And I may write about it in a humoristic way but it does hurt a lot. I wished she would have at least known it. Let me tell you something you should remember : It hurts a lot more in the long run to not have that special someone's aswer as to the question "do you love me". in a way you cannot move on even if you wish it. You're stuck in that moment and you can't get out of it (U2), truer than it sounds. Now I know I really have to think things through, clear up my ideas. Writing this on the forum helped me do that. I could really use opinions from you guys that would be great. I'm can't make my peace and I can't move forward. What should I do. Should I come clean all the way with my actual girlfriends. Does it sounds to you guys like I love her ? So I could... mourn, make my peace and move on. JohnyB
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