mr.dream merchant Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 About a week and a half ago is when I last saw my GF. Everything seemed fine and then she wanted to talk about a couple issues in our relationship that she felt was just being swept under the rug. We touched up on a few things like my insecurity, hers, and her plans to be married by 11/11/11. One thing that kind of caught my attention was when she said to me "People get accused of cheating so much that they end up doing it" I thought it was kind of out of the blue but she said that while it doesn't pertain to us, it pertains to the situation. She said she doesn't want to end up like that so she wanted me to take time to find myself so we can move forward. I understood and then I told her that marriage is something I'm not putting past us but that we need to work on us right now if we ever want to see a marriage in the future. She starting crying, I could tell all she heard was "I don't want to marry you". On that note she asked if she could go home, I convinced her to stay. I comforted her and we cuddled and kissed. Everything felt okay. The following day she didn't contact me at all. Not really thinking anything of it, I decided to give her a buzz at work on my way home from the gym. She took a 15 and texted me "I'm sorry, I just need my space". Confused, I asked her was was wrong and why she was Casper all day. She replied "I'm sorry, I just need my space. Seeing you or hearing your voice will make it harder." Worried I replied "I don't understand, what are you trying to say?" Then she called me and the dialogue went as follows: Me: Hello? Her: How could you not understand? Me: I'm confused that's all, I thought you wanted to work on things, now you're asking for space? What do you mean hearing me or seeing me will make it harder? Harder for what? Her: You didn't even call me when you got home last night, how are you acting like everything is all good? Me: You were very upset so I figured I'd just let you breathe since you were having a hard time talking to me. Her: You know that saying you don't know what you've got until it's gone? Me: Are you trying to say it's over? Her: Yeah pretty much. Me: Okay then. I'm sorry it had to end this way. After that phone conversation, I thought she was bluffing. I figured she'd hit me up after work. She always does. Nope. Nothing. Nothing for the whole day. Friday morning I called her, she didn't pick up. I left a voicemail asking to work things out. I sent a couple texts asking for just 5 minutes to speak. Nothing. Couldn't sleep that night, I called her work phone and left a voicemail. On her lunch break she sent me a text "I told you its over." I replied "Okay. Can I have my necklace back then?" This necklace means alot to her. She replied "I'm going to mail it to you, you'll have it by Monday." Still don't have it yet btw. I let a couple days float by, no contact. Very long and hard days. I texted her sister asking her what was going on. Her sister said she didn't really know what was going on between us. I'm assuming her sister said something to her because my GF sent me a text that day on her lunch break saying "I told you, its over." At this point I felt stuck. I didn't really know if she meant it or not because: a.) I still don't have my necklace b.) All of this seems so sudden, we were so happy together not even two weeks ago c.) I was having a mental tug of war between "Its over" "Its not over, give her time and space to miss you." I couldn't take it anymore. I sent her sister a text asking if I could just meet her somewhere and get my necklace back because its making it hard for me to move on. Her sister said that she already mailed it. I got a text from my GF soon after saying "Its in the mail, couldn't overnight it." Frustrated, I felt like a bomb was just dropped on me as reality sank in. I sent her a text back saying "Don't talk to me". I then proceeded to trash my room. That was the last I heard from her, and that was Thursday night. I dunno what to do besides move forward. But how do I do that not knowing what the outcome of all of this is going to be? I care for her so much. Its hard for me to accept that she's really done with me because its like two different people. She was so in love with me, or so I thought, not even two weeks ago. Now she wants nothing to do with me. What happened? Why? Who? All these questions keep haunting me. I also feel kind of short changed, I never really got to truly express what I was trying to say to her the last day I saw her. I know she's upset about the marriage thing, and its a total misunderstanding on her part. In an effort to clear things up, and to let her know that I do not resent her, I sent this email. This is my last form of communication. I understand that if I want any chance of ever getting her back, I just need to let it be. Here's the email. Its a bit mushy, some of it may not make sense, but that's because its between us: ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I wanna take this time to let you know that I will always have love for you and that I was never fake with you. I was never unfaithful or untrue to you. I always kept it 100 with you. I'm sad, of course, and I'm a little bit upset, but I can't help but be happy when I remember your face and all the times we shared. I can't help but be happy that I had a chance to experience someone so amazing and beautiful as you. Its been hard, and I know its been hard for you, but I want us to look at it as a time to better ourselves. I still dream of waking up to you, I still dream of walking down that aisle to see you in your blue and gold wedding dress, yes I remember that day in the bookstore haha and no I'm not frontin on anything, I really do want to marry you on 11/11/11 even my family knows, we talked it over and they understand, but before I can make any of that a reality, I have to better myself. I have to for myself, and for you. I have to for our happiness. That was my point in the car but I always have a way of getting my message across in the wrong way and I know it hurt you to think I didn't want a future with you. Of course I do. I want us to move forward, I want that marriage, I want our beautiful kids AJ and Jordan, I want that house, I want you pushin my Denali (lol yaaa you remember that talk only if you keep it clean though!). Im still down to convert and I'm still down for that ballin Muslim name Asif! But before we can have any of that babygirl we need this time and space apart. And you were right. Loving you isn't about holding you all the time, its about letting go as well. You know me Suria, and you know that I'm always going to want what's best for you, be it with or without me in your life. I will always love you and you will always be at the center of my heart, cheesin with your lovely smile and all. I love you so very much babygirl, and while it hurts being unable to see you, to hold you, to tell you I love you, to make love to you, to bring you up when you're down, to get lost in your angelic eyes, to put you to sleep over the phone at night, or in person when we're making love, I know that this hurt is for the better. Hopefully this time away from each other ultimately leads you back into my arms. Maybe in a couple weeks, months, maybe years. I just hope that during this time you find ways to find yourself as well. Being away from you has taught me to let go, and to not sweat the small stuff. I hope you do go out and meet other guys (just take it easy on em, you already know the deal with ya bad self!). Have fun, live a little. But promise me to be careful baby and be safe. And take care of yourself. Remember what I told you, alot of guys aren't out for your best interest, just theirs. If you do happen to find someone, don't be afraid to let me know, hearing that you're happy will always make me happy. Just know that I love you shorty love, and I always will, and that I'm always going to be the guy who accepted you as you were. Insecurities, emotional, foot crusts and all. Because you're my baby and I love you. Tell moms, pops, Tash, grams (tell her to take care of herself), Selene and Warren, Manny, Aunty Jean and her husband (I can never remember his name!) I said thank you for all the love and hospitality they showed me. My fam said to say bye to you, they aint mad at ya, they feel we'll be back together in the future. And if you haven't already mailed the necklace, don't, you can keep it. It belongs to you now and it always will. God bless." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- What I tried not to do was reassure her that I'm going to be here waiting for her but to make her understand that I understand the situation, and that I'm not resentful of her. I wanted to let her know that I truly am going to better myself with this time and space we have away from each other. This is my last form of communication. But it hurts so much to just think about her not in my life. I truly cared for her and I accepted her as she was. Nothing about her turned me off. From her crusty big toe to her uneven boobs to her hemrhoids, nothing turned me off from her because I was that into her. I was always down to make things work and I was always about making her happy but at the same time I wasn't a puppet. I've been pondering on the situation but I know thinking about it does nothing but cause more thinking. I've been getting out alot but everytime I come back home and lay in my bed, I can't help but think of her. When I wake up in the morning I think of her. Does she think of me? Does she miss me? I don't know, but those are the demons that I can't keep at bay. And its killing me. I'm not worried about who she's with, or whatever. 2 weeks ago I would've been but now that I know I can't think like that, I give her the benefit of the doubt. The pain easily makes me put my insecurity to the side. I want her back more than anything in the world. And its crazy to think after all that we've shared that she threw me away like this, leaving me hurt and depressed. I know that if she ever does want to make things work, I will gladly accept. But I'm torn in 4 different ways. 2 in my mind "She'll be back after time / She won't come back" and 2 in my heart "The pain she caused you shows her love for you / You care for her greatly, if she comes back take her in with open arms" I haven't been eating, and when I sleep its minimal. I wake up thinking about her, with tears in my eyes. Like I said earlier, I'm getting out alot. But when I'm at home, love songs and wondering thoughts beat me down into depression. She was my babygirl.....damn....
jqb05443 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 mr merchant...man do you I feel your pain. Its been a little over 2 months now and at least your getting out. I can't even get out yet. I try but then all i think about his him. How could he leave me. The thought of him calling someone else makes me sick but slowly i am accepting it. maybe he needs to see what else is out there to appreciate what he truly had in me. i, like you loved him with all his flaws. anxiety, OCD and all. he was the man i wanted to marry and thought i would. my family loved him so much and everyone thought we fit so good together...everyone but him i guess. as i write this i feel your pain. i wake up every morning and go to bed with tears in my eyes. wondering...is he over me already? do i cross his mind? does he miss me? is he with someone else? why did he do this to me? but in the end i always come to the same conclusion..i would take him back in a heart beat and he knows that and maybe that's why he has treated me the way he has throughout this breakup. its been 2 months since we broke up but we still had contact here and there and saw eachother a few times. friday he finally told me that we both need to move and he wishes me the best. that was the final blow and i feel like he broke up with me all over again. i do pray that he does come back to me one day. that's what keeps me going a little bit.
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