stampdaddy Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Not really, Owl. I don't have stats, but it seems far less common for an OP to "de-fog" as compared to a WS, leading me to believe their basic core values are different. I will respectfully disagree with you my friend... I NEVER would have had an affair, BUT, I did... I spent a long time with my "values" on hold, thinking it would all be over soon. Soon took 4-5 years and it seemed like a flash... NEVER is back in place where it should be...
Reggie Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I am curious: do we see many or any WS's ever say their H/W was a jackass, so thats why they cheated? It seems to be always what you have said above, word for word. Actually, it is extremely common to see a WS refer to perceived deficiencies in the BS as justification for the affair. It's all over the board. They do not use the term "jackass", instead claiming the BS was controlling, unwilling or unable to meet needs, an abuser, absent, etc. But, many also admit , upon defogging, that this was untrue.
Reggie Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I will respectfully disagree with you my friend... I NEVER would have had an affair, BUT, I did... I spent a long time with my "values" on hold, thinking it would all be over soon. Soon took 4-5 years and it seemed like a flash... NEVER is back in place where it should be... Stamp, you are extrapolating based on your expierience. But, if you read over on the OW/OM forum, many see nothing wrong with it. I once posted an inquiry re these folks having empathy for the BS, and, overwhelmingly, they did not and saw nothing wrong with their actions. Or, if they did, they felt the gain outweighed the wrongdoing to such an extent that the cheating was justified.
Reggie Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 BINGO. You don't hear much from WS's at all here. It's mostly BS's and AP's speaking from their perspective of what's happened. We surmise (on both ends) what the WS's are thinking or feeling. I recall seeing quite a few stories from WSs talking of their involvement with OPs and delineating the reasons they feel justified.
Owl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Actually, I'm going to recant my observation about how WS's refer to their BS's...because you're right in what you describe, Reggie. They don't call them names...but they often DO try to assign blame to the BS for their reasons to cheat. And Reggie hit it on the money with the "reasons" they list...and they're nearly always the same..."controlling, absent, etc...". It's all part of the script. We've seen it here played out time and time again. It's funny...I got called "controlling"...and was told that I was "trying to be her Dad". The funny thing about it was...I got called that because I was setting boundaries in what I would accept from her behaviors. I was "trying to be her Dad" when I refused to agree with her choice to keep a friendship with OM after she nearly left me for him. Never called controlling or accused of such prior to her affair...only during it, and while fighting to get recovery going. Haven't heard it since, either. It's all part of that same mental rationalization process.
Author OFGnomore Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 It's all part of the script. We've seen it here played out time and time again. It's funny...I got called "controlling"...and was told that I was "trying to be her Dad". Tell me wise Owl, are the numbers you see on this board of those who "make it" as optimistic as those in the popular affair recovery books? What have you seen played out time and time again here?
stampdaddy Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Tell me wise Owl, are the numbers you see on this board of those who "make it" as optimistic as those in the popular affair recovery books? What have you seen played out time and time again here? I bet OWL says NO...
Author OFGnomore Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I bet OWL says NO... Wouldn't surprise me. I've read 2 recovery books written by therapists for therapists who treat the situation. Their numbers are significantly lower than the pop culture books. Affairs have meaning. Period. I think if you can't decipher that meaning that you're numbers significantly drop. And deciphering takes hard work, pain and honesty. Part of the avoidance of those things are what brought many to this site first place.
Owl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Numbers, as a number of people who post here will tell you, are only as good as the process that gathered them. I could quote stats from a couple of sources...and they'll often be wildly, radically different. All because of the different processes for getting the information and sources that they came from. One of the sources that I tend to trust gives a marriage about a 1/3 chance of surviving for five years post infidelity, and being described as a "happy marriage" by both spouses. That means that the other 2/3rds typically divorce in less than five years. As far as my "experiences here"...I've never gathered statistics, but my guy guess would be that about half of the posters that come here end up staying married. I'd suspect that there is a slightly higher ratio of "successful recoveries" here rather than other places simply because the majority of WS/BS who come here are already leaning towards fixing their marriage in some fashion. It could also be that those that failed simply never came back with an update. But that's all speculation with no metric gathering on my part.
stampdaddy Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Numbers, as a number of people who post here will tell you, are only as good as the process that gathered them. I could quote stats from a couple of sources...and they'll often be wildly, radically different. All because of the different processes for getting the information and sources that they came from. One of the sources that I tend to trust gives a marriage about a 1/3 chance of surviving for five years post infidelity, and being described as a "happy marriage" by both spouses. That means that the other 2/3rds typically divorce in less than five years. As far as my "experiences here"...I've never gathered statistics, but my guy guess would be that about half of the posters that come here end up staying married. I'd suspect that there is a slightly higher ratio of "successful recoveries" here rather than other places simply because the majority of WS/BS who come here are already leaning towards fixing their marriage in some fashion. It could also be that those that failed simply never came back with an update. But that's all speculation with no metric gathering on my part. Is that the best you could do?
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