fallingman Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 hi all, i'm new to this thing so bear with me. my ex and i broke up about a month and a half ago, she broke up with me. after some drama, we went without contacting each other for nearly three weeks. last night, i see she's online on MSN and i message her (she had called me a couple of times during the no contact and i never called back) to see what's up. she seems eager to chat and i tell her what i've been up to. the more i update her, the more she says things like "this is killing me" and "our two year anniversary would have been next month :(". keep in mind, i wasn't talking about us at all, i was just filling her in on all the stuff i've been up to. i told her i wouldn't talk to her if it was upsetting her, but she didn't acknowledge that. eventually she asked if i wanted to go out for coffee or something. i agree. so she picks me up around 1:30AM and we spend nearly all night together catching up and talking about different things. we keep the conversation away from the relationship and we pretty much avoid physical contact. at one point, around four AM, we get to my place and go for a walk. eventually, she stops and i put my arm around her from behind and she embraces and leans her head back on my chest. we then go back to her car. five minutes into being in the car, she says she should get going. things get kind of awkward and then i say "i was hoping this would end differently". she says "what do you mean?". i say, and trust me i know this is a total misfire on my part, "to be honest, i was hoping i'd get a kiss". her eyes widen and she says "i'd do that right now". i go in for a kiss that just feels insanely amazing. she's really into it and we start to kiss more and more. for the next ten minutes or so we start to joke around and kiss more and eventually the sore subject of the relationship comes up. we both talk about how we know it can't work out and how we can't be friends, at least for a while. i'm the one saying most of it, but she seemed to agree. we both say "i love you" and after a few more kisses i grab her hand and give this little speech out of nowhere about how i want to be the guy she comes to, etc. she holds my hand tighter as i speak. afterwards she smiles and says "now what?". i say we should get some sleep and then we say our goodbyes. this would seem like a nice sendoff to the end of a relationship, right? well, when i got inside my house i felt totally DESTROYED. a wreck, i couldn't stop crying. keep in mind, before i contacted her i was fine. i dealt with the fact that we broke up and i was taking steps to move on with my life. i didn't cry ONCE and hardly thought about her. today i'm incredibly depressed. i think in the back of my mind i knew i would get another chance with her and i feel like i totally BLEW it. i kept agreeing about how we wouldn't work out, but i never told her that i still want to be with her for fear of scaring her off/being rejected. so i come to you. how should i interpret her actions? does it seem like she would be interested in another chance? if so, what should i do to go about this? i feel like i should just continue to do what i was doing and wait and see if she calls. i think my main worry is that i may be putting too much hope into this night. seeing her again was a mind**** and i'm not thinkng straight. i know i definitely can not call her today under any circumstances. FYI, the reason we both agreed it wouldn't work is because we spent nearly every day together for almost two years and started to get annoyed with each other to the point of fighting almost everyday. we then developed a pattern of breaking up with each other when we were mad. so, honestly, there are good reasons that it wouldn't work. i'm just really confused.
jqb05443 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 It seems to be like there is still something there. Maybe she was waiting for you to say something. If you really want her back maybe you can ask her if you guys can meet again and see how that goes.
boogieboy Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Dont worry about it, you did fine by ending it that way. At this point you should not contact her. Let her miss you. Youve been in constant contact for 3 weeks now, you havent given her a chance to really miss you. She will probably go out of her way to contact you. So then you can take it from there and try again. But seeing as you two just couldnt live with each other with seeing each other every day, you probably just arent compatible anyways.
Thomas X Forever Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Firstly, when you said you didn't cry once after the break up, that shows you DIDN'T deal with it well. That is opposite of what you claimed. This is backed up by the fact you said you believed you'd get another chance. F it though, you SHOULD contact her and tell her you want to make it work. If she goes for it, then you are good. If not, then you know you tried, and you now have closure. Win win, the end.
rachel m Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I'm hesitant. I usually think it's best to leave exes in the past. However, the fact that you say you guys spending every day together is what led to your break up makes me think pretty much the opposite of what boogie boy is thinking: maybe this is repairable. It sounds like you the two of you lost yourselves in the relationship by spending too much time together, a thing that isn't even recommanded for married couples. What if you worked on maintaining your own lives outside of the relationship? Might that restore some balance? Or did you still have your own lives but just got to a point where you were annoyed with each other?
Author fallingman Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 Youve been in constant contact for 3 weeks now, you havent given her a chance to really miss you. Sorry if I wasn't clear, but I said we hadn't been in contact for three weeks. Firstly, when you said you didn't cry once after the break up, that shows you DIDN'T deal with it well. That is opposite of what you claimed. This is backed up by the fact you said you believed you'd get another chance. Maybe you're right, but I just wanted to stress that I felt I was getting along fine. I didn't actively think about getting another chance, but I think deep down I was assuming I was. Thanks for the advice, though, guys. Keep it coming!
Author fallingman Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 I'm hesitant. I usually think it's best to leave exes in the past. However, the fact that you say you guys spending every day together is what led to your break up makes me think pretty much the opposite of what boogie boy is thinking: maybe this is repairable. It sounds like you the two of you lost yourselves in the relationship by spending too much time together, a thing that isn't even recommanded for married couples. What if you worked on maintaining your own lives outside of the relationship? Might that restore some balance? Or did you still have your own lives but just got to a point where you were annoyed with each other? It was definitely starting to become symbiotic, which is bad. I agree that working on maintaining our individual lives would help our relationship. That's probably what's made this breakup kind of easy: all of the space I get.
rachel m Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 It was definitely starting to become symbiotic, which is bad. I agree that working on maintaining our individual lives would help our relationship. That's probably what's made this breakup kind of easy: all of the space I get. In this case, why not be honest with her about your feelings? Then have a mutual talk about what the both of you would want to be different if you were to get back together. Spend some time talking about what it is that works between the two of you, just to balance things out.
Author fallingman Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 In this case, why not be honest with her about your feelings? Then have a mutual talk about what the both of you would want to be different if you were to get back together. Spend some time talking about what it is that works between the two of you, just to balance things out. I think maybe I'll wait a few days and see how I feel then before I say anything. I think I'm still in shock about the whole night.
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