Best line to say to OW?

[Spark1111]

Living well is the BEST revenge. I agree.

 

But when all is said and done, if we lived in a perfect world, I would have one question for her:

 

How did you ever give yourself permission to engage in an affair with my husband, especially when YOU PERSONALLY KNOW the pain it would cause me because your exH married his last affair partner and it devastated you, didn't it?

 

Big smile on my face. Fade to black.

[1Angel]

The best revenge is to live a happy life. If you and your H are happy, it will show through without you having to make a show of it. And if you say anything to her that's mean or catty, she's not going to believe you're happy at all.

 

 

 

This is the very best advice.

[OFGnomore]

This is the very best advice.

 

Yep, absolutely. If you're really happy, you wont have to go out of your way to be or do anything. You'll just be...

[seibert253]

Persona non gratta

[2sure]

Well - I was once in your position and had occasion to see OW and her H at a large event. Her H didnt know about the A, as it never escalated to either EA or PA - but trust me, it was on its way. When I found out what was happening, I told her contact had to stop or I would reveal all to her H. So, she was on pins and needles when we all turned up at the same place.

 

This was wrong. It was not healthy. But at the time, my head was not in a good place. I flirted with her H. He ate it up in an obvious way and actually was kind of a pain in my as* during the rest of the event. There wasn't a thing she could say or do. I didnt mean for him to be quite so interested and in retrospect, it was cruel thing to do. I regret it, and my H knew I would.

[Dexter Morgan]

So, at some point I will run into her...she is MOW, still works with my H. She used to be a friend.

 

first off, if her husband doesn't know....give him the info he deserves to know.

 

And your husband needs to start looking for another job.

 

 

We will see each other at a work event where spouces are invited.

 

I'd say work events are out. Your husband should not be going to them. he f####d that up. If it is a work thing, then there is no choice(until he finds another job)...but if it is simply a social gathering for work....sorry....he shouldn't go...with you or without you.

 

 

They had an 8 month PA...FWH and I are R and H wants nothing to do with her and is back with me totally.

 

of course he doesn't when he is probably faced with losing 1/2 his retirement, children, and house:rolleyes:

 

But again, he needs to look for another job. If he doesn't even want to try, then his marriage isn't that important to him.

 

 

 

So what do I say? Do I acknowledge her at all? (some work people know we are 'friends', some do not).

 

no, you completely ignore her...if she comes up to you somewhere and tries to talk to you...you cut her off and say "get the f##k out of my face"

 

 

Any good one liners I can use? Or maybe one for my FWH to use?

 

hmmmm.....you both should ignore her. But something funny here....why would you or your H want to use any one liners on her? Did she hold a gun to your H's head and say "do me"??

 

dont get me wrong, your anger with OW is justified...but your H was a willing participant. If you are angry with her, then you should be doubly angry with your husband.

 

 

I want to burn her but remain dignified....if possible!!

 

her dignity is long gone, as is your husband's.

 

But if her husband knows she screwed your husband, then thats all you really need to know.

 

 

Anyone have experience with this? What did you do/say?

 

"if anything happens to my kids, I hope the police get to you faster than I do".

 

 

I want her to know she lost

 

this isn't a competition. or is it? and what exactly is the prize? a cheating man!!

 

come on now. again, I understand the anger towards her, but your husband willingly was with her. If anything you need to be focusing on him and his lousy behavior in all of this.

 

 

was never the real thing, and was always sloppy seconds

 

[foreal]

Oh I am totally pissed at WH..have had lots of rage, anger etc....thankfully I am doing better with that now- just tired I guess and the depression has hit...he is looking for another job, but it aint easy right now- thankfully they rarely see each other as they are on opposite ends of the huge buliding (but yes, they managed to see LOTS of each other during A so when he goes to work it sucks to be me).

 

I've already given WH plenty of of smackdowns- more to come I am sure... but they are farer and fewer between...

 

I am pissed at MOW b/c she was a friend, and I am unable to give her the smack down she deserves!

 

I want to confront her and tell her off, but I know I know, I won't...if I did not know her I think it would be different-

 

In any case, I'd like to kick her ass for betraying our friendship AND for F***ing my husband.

 

But I won't say or do anything to her....I realize she has to live with herself and GAG, that must really suck.

[OFGnomore]

Oh I am totally pissed at WH..have had lots of rage, anger etc....thankfully I am doing better with that now- just tired I guess and the depression has hit...he is looking for another job, but it aint easy right now- thankfully they rarely see each other as they are on opposite ends of the huge buliding (but yes, they managed to see LOTS of each other during A so when he goes to work it sucks to be me).

 

I've already given WH plenty of of smackdowns- more to come I am sure... but they are farer and fewer between...

 

I am pissed at MOW b/c she was a friend, and I am unable to give her the smack down she deserves!

 

I want to confront her and tell her off, but I know I know, I won't...if I did not know her I think it would be different-

 

In any case, I'd like to kick her ass for betraying our friendship AND for F***ing my husband.

 

But I won't say or do anything to her....I realize she has to live with herself and GAG, that must really suck.

 

Careful Foreal, for every bad thing you think OW is your H holds the same badge of "honor". When anger hits my H about xOP and he wants to judge and label him, then he feels silenced. For his wife is the same. This is where to get past the anger you will be forced to grow and mature I think you have no option if you want to heal Otherwise you run the risk to stay in a hateful, judmental place. And this really applies to all 4 parties in this situation.

[Darth Vader]

they work for the same company but have little to no contact (huge place)- I wish my H would quit but what with the economy blah blah blah........

 

and yea, I guess to just ignore her is best and to look hot while doing it! YES! You are right, she must REALLy be stressing b/c her H did find out but she fast talked him and who knows what he believes at this point?

 

when I say 'lost' I mean that b/c she knows me and totally wanted to replace me...no excuse for what my H did though, I know that...she offereed herself up to him when he and I were in a vulnerable spot and he jumped on it (bastard)...but here we are now.

 

Just wish I could tell her to Fu** off.

 

 

I would contact OW's hubby and inform him that the affair was in fact real, and that you're the wife of the man who screwed his wife! He would then have the info he needs to make a decision about his life, and not be gaslighted anymore.

 

She hasn't faced any real consequences for her actions, what makes you, or her husband think she won't do this again?

 

You could offer any info that you have about the affair to OW's husband.

[foreal]

Careful Foreal, for every bad thing you think OW is your H holds the same badge of "honor". When anger hits my H about xOP and he wants to judge and label him, then he feels silenced. For his wife is the same. This is where to get past the anger you will be forced to grow and mature I think you have no option if you want to heal Otherwise you run the risk to stay in a hateful, judmental place. And this really applies to all 4 parties in this situation.

 

Yes, they both hold the badge of 'shame' ( not honor).

 

I am not hateful, just hurt. I got shoved into oncoming traffic by my spouce, and now he's the one who is trying to help me recover from the injuries he caused. So yea, that hurts.

 

 

.....what is wrong with judging?

 

Perhaps if the WS made a judgement about what is right and wrong at the time they decided to cheat, they could have avoided so much pain and suffering for themselves as well as for their loved ones.

 

I judge infidelity to be wrong...doesn't mean I am hateful or risk remaining 'stuck' in any place. I would hope WSs would judge it as wrong too- epecially after they see the fallout...

[foreal]

I would contact OW's hubby and inform him that the affair was in fact real, and that you're the wife of the man who screwed his wife! He would then have the info he needs to make a decision about his life, and not be gaslighted anymore.

 

She hasn't faced any real consequences for her actions, what makes you, or her husband think she won't do this again?

 

You could offer any info that you have about the affair to OW's husband.

 

 

I contacted MOW's Htwice...first time told him of A, second time offered details but he did not want any....I am pretty sure he is a WS as well so perhaps his W's A alliviated some of his guilt? Not sure, but I am done with MOW and her life..she was a friend, now she is not- I have my own M to work on.....I dont care what she and her H do.....

 

like I said, I'd just like to kick her ass for betraying our friendship and screwing my husband...but for now, the thought/fantasy of throat punching her satisfies me....perhaps one day I will feel differently (indifferent I hope)..

[OFGnomore]

I contacted MOW's Htwice...first time told him of A, second time offered details but he did not want any....I am pretty sure he is a WS as well so perhaps his W's A alliviated some of his guilt? Not sure, but I am done with MOW and her life..she was a friend, now she is not- I have my own M to work on.....I dont care what she and her H do.....

 

like I said, I'd just like to kick her ass for betraying our friendship and screwing my husband...but for now, the thought/fantasy of throat punching her satisfies me....perhaps one day I will feel differently (indifferent I hope)..

 

I think there is a difference between casting judgments and having personal standards.

 

MOW H didnt want details? Could mean a lot of things. I think it's best just to be done with the both of them. My H offered xMM's W details. Mailed her all the emails xMM wrote chasing me, etc. Found out she forgave him immediately and didn't read any of it. Some BS dont want the truth because it happened in the past and is not their future.

[Dexter Morgan]

When anger hits my H about xOP and he wants to judge and label him, then he feels silenced.

 

what do you mean he feels silenced?

[OFGnomore]

what do you mean he feels silenced?

 

I mean, how can H call xOP a rat bastard when his wife was the other half in the equation. That's all.

 

 

For Real:

 

Just to get some perspective, how long ago since D day?

[foreal]

Just a little over 2 months since Dday.....so yes, it still hurts BADLY!!

[foreal]

I mean, how can H call xOP a rat bastard when his wife was the other half in the equation. That's all.

 

 

For Real:

 

Just to get some perspective, how long ago since D day?

 

 

and as far as being silenced..yes, both of the actions of the AP are rat bastard actions...doesnt mean THEY are rat bastards, but their actions sure were!!

[Dexter Morgan]

I mean, how can H call xOP a rat bastard when his wife was the other half in the equation. That's all.

 

Ok, well that was the point I was getting at before. If a spouse feels huge anger towards the OP/xOP, then he/she should feel double the anger at their own cheating spouse.

 

And yes, if the OP is a "rat bastard" or whatever other gems they can consider the OP, then it applies doubly to the cheating spouse.

[Snowflower]

Just a little over 2 months since Dday.....so yes, it still hurts BADLY!!

 

You are doing well for it being a little over 2 months since d-day.

 

I agree that taking the high road is the best thing. It certainly worked to my advantage to take the high road: a couple of weeks ago I had the 'opportunity' to see the XOW. I didn't take the opportunity to actually go talk to her but she had to know I was around. However, the event turned out very well and my FWH gave her the "cut direct" when she tried to talk to him. He made it clear to her that he was not interested in any form of friendship with her.

 

It was a company event and I have a feeling that at least some of the people there know that there was something that went on between my husband and her. The funny thing was, these people were very kind to me even though I barely knew them and most of them ignored HER and she is their colleague. Ah, karma.

[foreal]

You are doing well for it being a little over 2 months since d-day.

 

I agree that taking the high road is the best thing. It certainly worked to my advantage to take the high road: a couple of weeks ago I had the 'opportunity' to see the XOW. I didn't take the opportunity to actually go talk to her but she had to know I was around. However, the event turned out very well and my FWH gave her the "cut direct" when she tried to talk to him. He made it clear to her that he was not interested in any form of friendship with her.

 

It was a company event and I have a feeling that at least some of the people there know that there was something that went on between my husband and her. The funny thing was, these people were very kind to me even though I barely knew them and most of them ignored HER and she is their colleague. Ah, karma.

 

SNOWFLOWER!!

 

Thank you! That is so helpful to hear! I never considered that other people would be nice to me- I am sure some know there was soemthing going on between my H and her....the MOW (or ex MOW I should say) has no friends at work, actually no real girl friends at all ( I've known her for years- we were never buddy-buddies, but I know her well enough that she told me she doesn't make friends with women easily, gee wonder why!?).

 

How long has it been since your Dday?

 

I am really trying hard to hang in here- doing as much research and counceling as I can to understand this- it is hard, but strangely, I am feeling better about MYSELF...we had a lot of sadness in our lives the past couple of years and it is weird that his betrayal is actaully forcing us both to deal with it (the sadness) head on...it still hurts, the betrayal I mean. Hopefully I wont have to cary this pain forever..just the memory of it.

 

thanks again for your post, it really helped!!

[Snowflower]

SNOWFLOWER!!

 

Thank you! That is so helpful to hear! I never considered that other people would be nice to me- I am sure some know there was soemthing going on between my H and her....the MOW (or ex MOW I should say) has no friends at work, actually no real girl friends at all ( I've known her for years- we were never buddy-buddies, but I know her well enough that she told me she doesn't make friends with women easily, gee wonder why!?).

 

How long has it been since your Dday?

 

I am really trying hard to hang in here- doing as much research and counceling as I can to understand this- it is hard, but strangely, I am feeling better about MYSELF...we had a lot of sadness in our lives the past couple of years and it is weird that his betrayal is actaully forcing us both to deal with it (the sadness) head on...it still hurts, the betrayal I mean. Hopefully I wont have to cary this pain forever..just the memory of it.

 

thanks again for your post, it really helped!!

 

Glad you found the post helpful! Yes, it was a big step in my healing process to be reassured once again that my husband wanted nothing to do with her-and that those colleagues were so kind to ME.

 

It has been 7 months since D-day for me and 6+ since we reconciled. And it has taken until very recently where I actually feel better on a consistent basis. The pain does fade, but it takes time!

 

My FWH affair was short-lived and shallow-really more of a twisted friendship with a drunk ONS- and he has tried very, very hard to fix himself and work with me on our marriage. If he hadn't been so willing to work so hard at building our marriage (and I say 'building' in our case as opposed to 'rebuilding), we wouldn't have come as far as we have.

 

I hope your husband is working very hard to fix what went wrong between the two of you. Marital counseling, reading and lots of conversations will be very important. It takes time and a lot of work but it can be done successfully-if you are BOTH willing to do what it takes.

[foreal]

Thanks again Sunflower- your post gives me hope.

 

My FWH is working hard and so am I...it is so good to hear from others who have gone thru this and come out the other side in tact!

 

I wish you health and happiness- may we all become better from this experience..geesh, it would be horrible to get nothing from this!! So here's to making things better than before, and better than we ever thought they could be, even before the betrayal!!

 

[OFGnomore]

this isn't a competition. or is it? and what exactly is the prize? a cheating man!!

 

come on now. again, I understand the anger towards her, but your husband willingly was with her. If anything you need to be focusing on him and his lousy behavior in all of this.

 

Yeah, sometimes BWs get so focused on "winning" and bad karma toward the xOW. They don't realize they may end up with a booby prize.

[herenow]

You are so close to d-day, the idea that some day you just won't care about her seems almost impossible. But, that day will come and you won't need any lines or plans on what to do when you see the OW. She will just be a person in a room that you will have left in the past. There will be a day when you see her and all your anger and pain will have turned into thankfulness that you and your H had the strength to move forward and build a stronger and healthier marriage. On that day, you will have the natural grace to treat her with dignity because she won't have any importance to you or your H.

 

Believe it or not, there may even be a time when you feel some sympathy for her. But, only time will tell.

[foreal]

You are so close to d-day, the idea that some day you just won't care about her seems almost impossible. But, that day will come and you won't need any lines or plans on what to do when you see the OW. She will just be a person in a room that you will have left in the past. There will be a day when you see her and all your anger and pain will have turned into thankfulness that you and your H had the strength to move forward and build a stronger and healthier marriage. On that day, you will have the natural grace to treat her with dignity because she won't have any importance to you or your H.

 

Believe it or not, there may even be a time when you feel some sympathy for her. But, only time will tell.

 

Thanks Herenow...I do feel sorry for her, even sympathy- I mean, how sad is it that you go after a friend's husband when you know your friend and the H are both vulnerable?

 

My H is more culpable in this though...and I am dealing with him. But she was my friend so I have to work thru those feelings of betrayal too...if it had been someone I did not know, then I think I would be not as hurt...knowing her and being her friend just adds another layer of hurt.

 

She's been miserable for MANY years, (from what she's told me) and has been miserable in her own M for a long time (She always complained about her H).

 

My H and I have had a long and happy M but it was in the last 2 years that things got bad: major life events for us both- we were unprepared for them and did not know how to handle such stress. We grew apart instead of together these last 2 years...and unfortunatly my H chose to take the admiration and physical closeness from another woman when he no longer was receiving it from me.

 

I don't wish bad things upon MOW- she and my H are/were just pathetic individuals. I don't believe in 'giving' karma or wishing it etc on someone else...it does fine all on its own.

[Snowflower]

Thanks again Sunflower- your post gives me hope.

 

My FWH is working hard and so am I...it is so good to hear from others who have gone thru this and come out the other side in tact!

 

I wish you health and happiness- may we all become better from this experience..geesh, it would be horrible to get nothing from this!! So here's to making things better than before, and better than we ever thought they could be, even before the betrayal!!

 

 

Thank you, my husband and I have worked very hard to create a marriage that works for both of us. And yes, we did come through the other side of all this pain intact and very happy.

 

FR, I think you have a great attitude about the whole thing, which is important to your own healing. Your husband is lucky to have such a strong, forgiving spouse. I hope he thanks his lucky stars!