How do I get over this

[Iconyx]

Im new to this, and this site so before I start, hello to everyone. Now, I've been cheated on. I was told by my fiance about a week after it happened. This was a couple years ago. I was really into playing an online game at the time and was there...but not there. She told me she felt alone and ended up getting drunk over this guys house and it just happened. It hurt, bad, to imagine the one I love doing something like that with someone else, after all, I hadnt been playing the game for that long. Anyways, I forgave her, and we stayed together, I learned to get over it after time because I felt like everyone makes mistakes, and this was hers. Since then, she got pregnant and we had a beautiful baby boy, the best thing thats ever happened to me. Everything recently was going great, it got a bit rocky for awhile but was just starting to look like it was getting better, until a few days ago...

 

I saw that the guy she cheated on me with had texted her, asking what she was doing that night. I texted him back telling him to leave us alone, and somehow the texting back and forth led to him telling me what really happened. Apparently, she did have sex with him like she told me. The part that she left out was that instead of just "slipping up" one time...*sigh* she had gone out another nite (within a week of the 1st occurance) and gotten drunk with him and his buddy. Then she took them home and they asked her to come in and "sober up". Thats when the guy she cheated on me with ended up having sex with her again "doggiestyle" at the same time she blew his buddy. Just typing it out is hard for me to do...So now I find out it wasnt a 1 time thing, and what she really did is sickening, and much worse than I had thought.

 

I want to be there for my son, and it did happen in the past...I just dont know how to deal with this. I still see things in her I love and it happened long ago, and since having our son I notice she is different, more mature. I'm just cursed with a great imagination and can't stop seeing it in my head, it makes me so sick everytime it flashes through my brain. I see it about every 5 min, and I cant stop. Its not so bad when Im spending time with them, but if Im by myself I cant stand it. How do I get over this?

[MrFun]

I want to be there for my son, and it did happen in the past...I just dont know how to deal with this. I still see things in her I love and it happened long ago, and since having our son I notice she is different, more mature. I'm just cursed with a great imagination and can't stop seeing it in my head, it makes me so sick everytime it flashes through my brain. I see it about every 5 min, and I cant stop. Its not so bad when Im spending time with them, but if Im by myself I cant stand it. How do I get over this?

To be brutally honest I think there's not much you can do without help from a professional. Your thoughts are rotating and you're not coming to a conclusion. It's as if your wheels spinning and spinning without traction, you know?

 

What what to you was terrible, but just like a sucker punch, you can't torture yourself over it. There was noway of you seeing it coming.

 

My tip: take care of your son and be the best man you can be. Be the Sun not Pluto. Concentrate on your life and look for a valuable *partner* in your life. If the next one cheats, don't worry about it, because SHE did it to you and SHE has to live with it. It's her conscience not yours. You were giving it your best shot, and SHE cheated.

 

If you're having problems dealing with these obsessive thoughts, see a counselor, one day you'll be back on track and stronger than ever. Good luck, mate!

[TaraMaiden]

The problem is, you're not getting closure this way.

I don't know if she knows you know the whole facts....

Is she aware you texted with this guy?

Because what she needs to do is to tell her yourself, and admit the truth.

She confessed originally to salve her conscience and be 'open' with you, but I suspect that she didn't go into more (honest) detail because (1) she was scared you'd end it, and (2) she didn't want to hurt you with all the itty-bitty nitty-gritty details....

 

You need to tell her (if she doesn't know) that you had words with this guy and what he said.

You need to give her the opportunity to admit to it (if it's true) and to come clean.

Then - exactly as MrFun states - you need professional counselling, because your trust and forgiveness aren't functioning as they might do....

And yes, you have to decide if you want to stay and build, or cut your losses and leave.

But she's got some work - and explaining - to do....

[Iconyx]

Sorry about that, I wasn't fully clear. After having typed out what happened I wanted to veer off in another direction as soon as possible. I did confront her, she was aware of what I was doing while I texted with the guy. It took some prying because she didn't want to admit it and tell me what happened but eventually she came out with it. I've been trying so hard to forget it, If I stay busy or keep focused on something else, I can deal, but...like right now, I can't just lie in bed and try to sleep because thats when all the thoughts and images invade my mind. So I'm up right now, writing it out, hoping that it grant me a short enough break so that I can fall asleep. I think you both may be right, I think I'm gonna need a professionals help to get me thru this one. Thanks so much for the replies. If anyone has any advice on ways to forget or keep your brain occupied until I can get an appt., I'd gladly appreciate it. Thanks again.

[iBelieve In Symmetry]

Wait...

 

So you're still together, right?

 

Sorry if that's a dumb question, btw.

[Iconyx]

We are. I decided that for the sake of my son, and the fact that it was a long time ago, I was going to try and stick it out.

[Iconyx]

Well, not only for those reasons...the truth is, I still love her. I still see so many of those little things that are the reason I fell for her to begin with. I feel like I can still be happy with her. I want our family to be whole. It just the thoughts of what happened that keep tormenting me.

[Gus]

We are. I decided that for the sake of my son, and the fact that it was a long time ago, I was going to try and stick it out.

 

 

 

First off, let me say hello to everyone as I'm new here as well.

 

 

Iconyx, please realize that staying in a situation "for the sake of my son" is not something that should be done. Many children have great lives even if the parents have split. You have to be whole to be the best for your son. If being with this girl is painful, your unhappiness will be apparent to your son.

 

You need to decide if you can forgive her for betrying you - regardless of the facts and how long ago it happened. If you can honestly forgive her and trust her again then that tells you everything right there. If you can't, then it's best to get out now instead of letting this eat you alive until you can't stand to be around her. Many people have been betrayed in by an S/O - some make it through and some don't.

[iBelieve In Symmetry]

Honestly, I see where you are with everything. It seems like you two have a healthy relationship. But this WILL keep tormenting you. Will it ease overtime? Most likely. But don't take the risk.

 

Make sure she hasn't done it recently. Make sure those were the ONLY times she cheated. And make sure it was that long ago. If you find out she did it again... you have to leave. That doesn't seem like the case, though.

 

Like a couple of others on here, I would suggest therapy. Preferably with her, too. So you can discuss anything together with a professional and hopefully get this settled.

 

If you find out it was more than what was said, just picture the rest of your life with her with this in your mind.

 

When I found out my girlfriend cheated, one of the thoughts that terrified me the most was the one of me being with her years from now and HER mistake still poking at my heart.

 

You don't deserve to go through that.

[wowIlose]

I stayed with an EX after she cheated on me... guess what? she did again years later...(once a cheater always a cheater) Also, the fact she realizes that her actions have no consequences (since your going to stay with her either way) then she is even more likely to do it again. What she did is disgusting and disrespectful. Leave now while it's still on your terms.

[Iconyx]

Thanks everyone for all the feedback. All is appreciated. I'm still having trouble coping with what happened, there are good days and bad days. I think I will be able to get over this. However, Im faced with another dilemma...When I talked to her about it (several times) she claims that thats it, thats EVERYTHING that happened. I want to believe her, I really do, but part of me is unsure. I mean, she didnt tell me the first time, and even when that guy text me what really happened, she was still reluctant to come out with it. She has proved to be awfully fantastic at hiding the truth thus far...

 

Heres my dilemma...I still remember that motherf**cker's number. I already have my message typed out on my phone ready to send a txt asking if there was anything else that happened...but I dont know if I want to know. Seeing as how I decided to try and work it out, I wish Id never found out what really happened to begin with, Its caused nothing but pain, especially since we were getting along better and better before I found out. Should I trust what she says and just leave it alone? Will it keep picking at me if I dont send the text? Do I want to know if there was anything else? These are the questions I keep asking myself and am unable to come to a conclusion. Any advice?

[Road To Joy]

I feel so sorry for you. I really do. But only because I went through this as well.

 

When I talked to her about it (several times) she claims that thats it, thats EVERYTHING that happened. I want to believe her, I really do, but part of me is unsure. I mean, she didnt tell me the first time, and even when that guy text me what really happened, she was still reluctant to come out with it. She has proved to be awfully fantastic at hiding the truth thus far...

 

This is EXACTLY what my ex made me go through. She said that's it, that was all that happened and she would never do it again. And then I kept asking her the same question as time passed, 'cause deep down I really didn't believe her (though of course I wanted to). Overtime I got a little more and a little more out of her. Each time after she would say that was honestly it. And overtime I just kept figuring out more and more. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Sometimes I would just ask for the WHOLE story, every story, to get it all over with. But she would assure me that was all that happened. And part of me would believe her, part of me wouldn't. As I kept figuring out more (and she kept saying that was it after every time), I kept losing more and more trust.

 

I loved her dearly. And honestly I probably still do 'cause my heart is aching right now, but being with her was walking through hell. She killed me bit by bit with every little thing she admitted and every little thing she hid from me. I couldn't leave her, though. I sheltered in her. She was there everyday to tell me she loved me (even if it wasn't true), and I found comfort in that. But these things will just keep coming back.

 

I can't tell you if she's like my ex, and there will always be more to the story. Maybe what she did WAS it, and she's grown since. Maybe she's done it a lot more. Who knows?

 

I dont know if I want to know. Seeing as how I decided to try and work it out, I wish Id never found out what really happened to begin with, Its caused nothing but pain

Ignorance is bliss, right? I used to believe in that after finding out about some of the things she did. But overtime you're grateful you know, so you're not blind anymore. It's odd, but I'm sure you'll experience it. And then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Should I trust what she says and just leave it alone? Will it keep picking at me if I dont send the text? Do I want to know if there was anything else? These are the questions I keep asking myself and am unable to come to a conclusion. Any advice?

Look, this is a RELATIONSHIP. You both have to work together to make it work. Not just you. SHE messed up. If what she did is still bothering you, you have the right to bring it up as many times as you want. Tell her. My advice would be to tell her that part of you doesn't believe her and that you need to know the dead truth, no matter how bad it is. If she says over and over again that she told the truth and that that is honestly it, then she shouldn't have a problem with you asking the other dude. 'Cause she'll have nothing to hide, right? You really need to get to the bottom of it. If you don't, it WILL bother you. And the simple fact that you most likely won't be able to trust her even if she does tell the truth is going to bother you.

 

Even after telling me 'everything' (it's over now and I know there's still stuff I never found out), I would find myself asking questions that I already knew the answers to. It's just unbelievable how this all works. You're ALWAYS expecting more. And it's ALWAYS on your mind. Believe me, you do want to know. After all the pain, you might think to yourself you shouldn't have asked for more. But it would have ALWAYS haunted you.

 

If she tells you more to the story and it was long ago I would suggest getting therapy for the both of you so you can work it out together. That's the only way. If you don't, you probably will never trust her again, and you'll be enslaved to these thoughts for the rest of your life (or however long you plan on being with her). If she admits to cheating and it being recently, LEAVE HER. For your own sanity, leave her. I know it hurts, I know how bad it can get but do it for yourself and to keep your dignity and self-respect.

 

 

Good luck and keep posting!