desertsun09 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Hi guys, I was dumped a little over a month ago. I've written other posts on here about my story, so I won't get into it again, but to summarize, my bf dumped me and acted like a complete ass about it. We had a major fight a month prior to that, but i thought it was not something that was insurmountable and not something we couldn't get past. He decided that he wanted to work on things, but a month later, dumped me from out of the blue......30 minutes after we'd had sex for god's sake. He immediately cut off all contact and we've only had bits and pieces of chats with him saying he hopes I'm doing okay, blah blah blah. I am still so upset over this. I am currently taking medication just to be able to function and today i want to break NC and call or IM him just to get some answers. I know i shouldn't be on his facebook, but saw that he is now friends with this chick who rejected him a long time ago, but she lives in another country. I wonder if he's got something going with her. It's driving me crazy. I basically want to ask him point blank if he cheated on me or was interested in someone else while we were dating. I think it will help me to move on....not having answers is making me a crazy person. I want to ask him how it was just so easy for him to delete me from his life. I'm holding out no hope that he will want to reconcile, I'm just thinking if i hear that he is still being an ass, that will help me to move on quicker. I am wearing rose colored glasses right now and only remembering the good times. I seem to be getting worse the past few days. Is it a bad idea to call him? DS
Agent Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 HI IM NEW HERE and all i have to say is dont call the ass all guys ive ever meet besides my self are sex fends ALL OF THEM!! ****ing go lesbo girl u have a better chance finding love im sorry to say but eh love is bull**** so is life it all needs to end ahhh
Author desertsun09 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 LOL Agent! I have often times been one step away from becoming a lesbian, but it just aint my thing! Thanks for the suggestion though......
jqb05443 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 you are going to hear alot of DON"T call him. but in the end everyone is different. if you feel that you need that to help you then do it. everyone heals and copes differently. some need to hear explanations, others don't. you do what you feel is best for you. i am dying to call and ask my ex the same thing but i know i couldn't handle it. i know if he told me the truth and said there was someone else i would go crazy. i did ask him actually a couple of times and he reassured me that there wasn't and i want to believe him but i just don't know.
MrFun Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I basically want to ask him point blank if he cheated on me or was interested in someone else while we were dating. If he says he did, you're automatically going to think about it over and over again. If he says he didn't or wasn't, then you might not believe him. Or you might believe him. That's a 33% shot. Not good enough, you're not doing yourself a favour. What a selfish prat to dump you after sex. Don't call him, I'd say.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 nah i have been checking my ex's phone record and it hurts every time i see a particular guys # esp at 130 in the morning and they talkin for an hr and a half. i dont know y i do it i guess i wonder y but i think i already know the ans. Dont call or email him and dont check facebook. I called her this morning to ask for my key back but das about it. I am trying to do the NC that means NO contact whatsoever. so chill and in time u will heal....if he wants u back then He will call or contact u but be careful dont fall into a trap.
Author desertsun09 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 The only thing is though, that i could honestly see him thinking "well she's not calling me, so that must mean she hates me, so why bother". He is not very self confident and I could see him thinking that even if he wanted to call. So maybe if I call, it would open the door for a reconciliation somehow. This is the guy that got pissed that I didn't call him on his birthday a week after he dumped me and deleted my number, skype, etc. He doesn't make much sense most of the time. And yes, I am fully aware of how pathetic I am!
carhill Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Somehow I can't connect lack of self-confidence with dumping someone right after sex, especially if it was in person. To me, it sounds like he was/is emotionally detached and/or has emotional instability issues. In any event, not your problem. One morning you'll wake up and thank god he's outta your life. Like a fresh breeze can now get in.
MrFun Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 And yes, I am fully aware of how pathetic I am! You're not pathetic. He has issues. Listen to carhill
Author desertsun09 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 I should've listened to you guys. I called him and the conversation was terrible. I just feel like **** now. He actually said he doesn't ever want to be with me ever again.....he had to spell it out like that. He even admitted to not ever wanting to make any sacrifices and that the relationship was always lopsided, with me doing all the work and sacrificing. I feel bad right now, but actually it was good to get some closure in a strange way.
sugarmomma Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Be glad he's gone. He sounded very abusive (mentally and emotionally). You deserve better than that creep. The next r make sure you get the respect you deserve.
nature Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 For someone whom you think has low self-esteem issues, I'd beg to differ. He sounds like a pompous prick, who's ego is too big for his own good. Hurting you has obviously given him an ego boost. So now take any attention away from him. Take a big deep breath. Go to your Facebook. And delete him. NOW. Shut him out. Find your inner anger and pride, and let it take over from the sadness and depression. Remove him from your Facebook. He does not deserve to have you on his. find enough dignity and self-worth in yourself, not to keep him on your Facebook to keep tabs on what he is doing. A few yrs ago none of these social websites existed. I would say reltaionships were probably a lot better off back then....both friendships and romantic relationships. Disappear from his life. I mean...DISAPPEAR. Don't give him one little ounce of attention.
ON MY OWN Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 you are going to hear alot of DON"T call him. but in the end everyone is different. if you feel that you need that to help you then do it. everyone heals and copes differently. some need to hear explanations, others don't. you do what you feel is best for you. i am dying to call and ask my ex the same thing but i know i couldn't handle it. i know if he told me the truth and said there was someone else i would go crazy. i did ask him actually a couple of times and he reassured me that there wasn't and i want to believe him but i just don't know. Imo it is an extremely risky idea, and you can read my thread "Trading one engagement for another". I think the title speaks for itself. If she calls, he may not be willing to give answers or even lie. I know from experience and the going back and forth was painfully exhausting. I think some ppl will go back and forth forever and you have to have had enough suffering and know deep down things DO get better. Some men may talk where as others are more into the mind game thing if they are done with a relationship and can care less once you have called it quits. Try staying busy, surround yourself with your bestest of friends who will support you when you need it the most, on those real weak days and can help you out during those weak moments. It sounds a lot like I went through, they hope were doing ok, then why didnt they treat us with more respect if they truly cared? Ppl like that IMO are insecure with themselves, immature and this is what makes them unable to stick to a decision, as well as unable to keep promises. Would you truly be able to trust anything he tells you if he would talk? Ppl and situations are all different as well as their upbringing. Factor his family in, what are they like? He may have been raised w/ the idea ppl are disposable. Stability is something everyone needs in their life, and you my dear deserve it!! Listen to some Shania Twain, shes great, especially her song "Nah". Do check out that song, I play it all the time. It is still hard, I left the day after Easter and still have quite a ways to go, but on a positive note, I have come a long way, and I felt just like you. I felt like curling up in a corner and not dealing with it. Unfortunately, we dont have a choice, life goes on. I am a firm believer in Karma, good and bad. As long as your ok w/ yourself at the end of the day is what really matters in the end. If your not I would give you the advice to seek counseling for a period. They are willing to work on a sliding scale if money is an issue, you may be told no a few times, but eventually you will find one or call your local community hospital or ask your doctor, maybe he/she can recommend someone as well and is covered under some insurances. Also church helped me too. Best of luck sweetie, be careful and take care of number one!!:D:bunny:
Author desertsun09 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks guys for the insight. After my conversation with him, I am now convinced that he isn't/wasn't seeing anyone while we were dating. The girl on his Facebook is practically engaged and I totally believe him. Call me naive, but it made me feel a little better. As for the rest of the conversation, I am now feeling good about it because: A) I am no longer in the dark anymore. I now know there is no hope of reconcilitation because he spelled it out for me. Hopefully i wont continue to have nightmares and bad feelings anymore, wondering what if and what i could have done differently, because it is out of my control. He ruined everything, not me. I relent and there's nothing more to be done about it. B) I am convinced he is a complete prick based on things said in the conversation. He is the most selfish man on earth and he even admitted to not wanting to sacrifice, etc I moved to another country to be with him (see my other posts for more details) and he was completely unappreciative about it. I carried the relationship for so long and he pretty much admitted to that in the conversation. I feel relieved and justified in my anger towards him and no longer blame myself for stupid little things i did or did not do. C) He has proven his immaturity. He stated that he needs to feel like he is hunting something and that i was questioning him about the relationship too much, asking where are we going, etc. I've realized that it's okay to stop and ask such things. Especially when you are in a year and a half relationship. Why play games anymore, that's just stupid! D) I got a little dig in on him. I told him that since he wants a challenge, maybe he should try his luck with someone that's a bitch to him and is ugly (I consider myself a pretty gal, not to brag, but everyone always told me we were unmatched looks wise). He got pissed and I thought it was funny. Anyway, thanks all for your help. DS
Author desertsun09 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks On my own! Its good to know I'm not the only one going through this. You are a month more into it than me and you sound like you are doing much better than me, so I can only hope I will be where you are in a month's time. I am doing my best to keep busy, but it requires so much energy i don't feel i have at the moment. Tomorrow is my first day back to work after 4 weeks and I'm quite nervous about it, but I hope it will help me get into a routine and not just curl up in bed and sleep til 1pm everyday. The mornings are the worst! I feel like I might actually have pleasant dreams tonight. I feel good about my role in everything. I know I didn't do everything perfectly, who does....but I tried my damndest to make it work and it wasn't enough. We were on different pages. He's immature and inexperienced at relationships at 36 years old and I know exactly what I want and have good emotional intelligence that he does not possess. Now I can make way for someone that deserves me. I just hope i find him Whew, what a ride. I can't wait for this to be over and complete the healing process. It's very taxing and taking up my every thought.
ON MY OWN Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks On my own! Its good to know I'm not the only one going through this. You are a month more into it than me and you sound like you are doing much better than me, so I can only hope I will be where you are in a month's time. I am doing my best to keep busy, but it requires so much energy i don't feel i have at the moment. Tomorrow is my first day back to work after 4 weeks and I'm quite nervous about it, but I hope it will help me get into a routine and not just curl up in bed and sleep til 1pm everyday. The mornings are the worst! I feel like I might actually have pleasant dreams tonight. I feel good about my role in everything. I know I didn't do everything perfectly, who does....but I tried my damndest to make it work and it wasn't enough. We were on different pages. He's immature and inexperienced at relationships at 36 years old and I know exactly what I want and have good emotional intelligence that he does not possess. Now I can make way for someone that deserves me. I just hope i find him Whew, what a ride. I can't wait for this to be over and complete the healing process. It's very taxing and taking up my every thought. You sound like you have some strength to you!!! ( Glad to hear ) Embrace that strength and hold on tight and you will ( I will be honest ) SLOWLY feel it starting to get stronger, good days and bad, then the good days are more numerous after a while. I do understand about it consuming your every thought, it used to for me as well. Sometimes I felt overanxious or like I was going to just crumble. The GOOD NEWS is if you can make some more progress you will think about other things that are more significant in your life. I hope you had an excellent first day back to work!! May your dreams stay pleasant EVERY night!! All you can do is your best, and yes mornings are worse for some reason. You will def find Mr. Right for you when you least expect it!! My thoughts and prayers are def w/ you.
offset_man Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Hello there What you are going through is not easy. The sense of rejection and the associated self esteem issue will haunt you for some time to come. I would urge you however to NOT make any phone call or other contact at this time. Cut it off. Give it time. You must also try to think in positive terms: the good times; how he loved you; what it was that attracted him to you in the first place. You must focus on the "good run" that you had. You will be eaten up by nagativity. Try to get out to be with people. Recognize that you are attractive, and also, try to look at reasons why maybe there are better fits out there and he has done you a huge favour. There was somethng that attracted him to you and for some reason something went stale. You must fight any uge to make meaningful contact as this just makes you look weak (you are at this time, but calling him now is not goint to help). Try to get together with him a couple of weeks from now. By that time the initial pain will have subsided, but not gone away, and whatever it is that has made him do this may also have gone. Offset_man
Recommended Posts