Ny fiancee... and her bachelorette party...

[RunawayTrain]

I don't know how any one in good conscience could suggest not to break it off with your fiancee. She cheated plain and simple. What she did was the ultimate act of disrespect and her actions are only a precursor of a cursed future marriage in my opinion.

[Land Shark]

Typical for threads like this: someone jumps on the site and tells a tale of woe, one-sided of course, and people jump on the band-wagon and start condemning. I'm not saying what she did was right, but without hearing her side of the story, it's hard to say. The fact that this thread even exists is evidence enough that the relationship is in trouble. But I would be more cautious about saying who is really at fault.

[RunawayTrain]

Typical for threads like this: someone jumps on the site and tells a tale of woe, one-sided of course, and people jump on the band-wagon and start condemning. I'm not saying what she did was right, but without hearing her side of the story, it's hard to say. The fact that this thread even exists is evidence enough that the relationship is in trouble. But I would be more cautious about saying who is really at fault.

 

Well lets condemn every thread on Loveshack then because 99% of the posts consist of a person's story and interpretation of what happened to them. How can the OP be at fault if his fiancee in fact did what he said she did which is cheat ? The blame and ownus is totally on her. Plain and simple.

[Land Shark]

Well lets condemn every thread on Loveshack then because 99% of the posts consist of a person's story and interpretation of what happened to them. How can the OP be at fault if his fiancee in fact did what he said she did which is cheat ? The blame and ownus is totally on her. Plain and simple.

 

I'll bet it isn't all on her. She definitely made a choice that put the relationship on the rocks. But I'm guessing this is a two-way street. She didn't just have a drunken slip-up. The fact that she kissed some nobody stripper is the least of this relationship's problems.

[RunawayTrain]

I'll bet it isn't all on her. She definitely made a choice that put the relationship on the rocks. But I'm guessing this is a two-way street. She didn't just have a drunken slip-up. The fact that she kissed some nobody stripper is the least of this relationship's problems.

 

Regardless of weather or not the relationship has issues, you think that gives her carte blanche to kiss another man when she is engaged to be married ? Gee that makes sense to me. Not really.

[Land Shark]

Regardless of weather or not the relationship has issues, you think that gives her carte blanche to kiss another man when she is engaged to be married ? Gee that makes sense to me. Not really.

 

Sometimes people do inexcusable things on purpose. She wasn't trying to get away with it. So in one sense we agree: the relationship is probably going to end. But in another we don't, because I'm not ready to agree that the root cause is all or even mostly her. The original poster may have similar problems with pretty much anyone he gets involved with.

 

It's hard for me to respect the opinions of people who shout out "lynch the cheater!" and walk away giving themselves a nice "mission accomplished" pat on the back.

[Trialbyfire]

Her party came and went... and what I found out was that she made out with multiple guys. She also did things like licking shots off of chippendale strippers. This has shattered my trust... and hurts like hell.

 

The worst part is that she didn't tell me when I asked... she told me some details and then told me "nothing else happened". Well she is a bad liar and I know her well. So I pryed... and she lied... and I pryed... and she cried and lied... and I pryed... and she lied and got angry at me and said things like "why don't you trust me"... and I pried and I found out about the make outs and chippendale waiter and that she wandered off in Vegas with the bachelor from a bachelor party that was there. They were gone for an hour... just the two of them. She swears up and down that nothing happened.

I just bolded key points for people who appear to have forgotten about them.

• She acted consistently inappropriately, on more than one occasion.
  
• She lied and lied and lied.
  

LS isn't a licensed marriage counselling site...

[RunawayTrain]

Sometimes people do inexcusable things on purpose. She wasn't trying to get away with it. So in one sense we agree: the relationship is probably going to end. But in another we don't, because I'm not ready to agree that the root cause is all or even mostly her. The original poster may have similar problems with pretty much anyone he gets involved with.

 

It's hard for me to respect the opinions of people who shout out "lynch the cheater!" and walk away giving themselves a nice "mission accomplished" pat on the back.

 

I respect your opinon but I don't give a whole lot of credence to the root cause of her cheating. She made a conscious decision to do what she did at the bachelorette party. In plain english, the young lady cheated on someone she agreed to marry.

[Land Shark]

Here's how I paraphrase the original post:

 

"I've been with a girl for four years who I never trusted the entire time, because of things that happened to me that had nothing to do with her. I asked this person I can't trust to marry me, and she said yes. But as the bachelorette party drew near, I started pressuring her more and more to not do things that a trustworthy person would never do at all.

 

(Of course, I'm not telling you about how uneasy this made her and how much she had to reassure me throughout all these discussions. I'm also not telling you about how many times over the course of four years I expressed my distrust and reminded her that I've been cheated on before. How many fights did we have, how many accusations...)"

 

"So the party came and went, and guess what happened? She did exactly the things I pressured her repeatedly, due to my anticipation, not to do. And I'm not telling you about her remorse, because she has none. She feels bad about what's going on, but what she realized before the party is that she could never be with someone who can't trust her, even right before we get married. And she's ready for me to end it, because that's easier than doing it herself."

 

Maybe I'm wrong. But maybe I'm right. And however bad her actions are, the fact is that there are actually more than 50 ways to leave your lover.

[Trialbyfire]

Land Shark, what you've posted makes zero sense. She lied and lied and lied. People aren't all one big bag of confusion. No one deserves to be cheated on.

 

This is cut and dried. She acted inappropriately and lied and lied and lied about it. Now it's up to the OP whether he's going to roll over and let her step all over him or walk away, kissing his rosary beads thank you, for watching out for him.

[Land Shark]

He never trusted her. She figured out she didn't want to marry him and face a life of questioning and eggshells. She's taking the easy way out. It doesn't change the fact that he never trusted her or that this relationship was never going to last anyway. She was smart to do it before the marriage. However chicken**** as it was.

 

The tragic thing is that getting over her and moving on to someone else is only going to lead to another disaster. A pattern repeated until this guy learns how to trust a woman.

 

It's not unthinkable that he could still trust this girl. The fact is that someone who faces persistent questioning will always resort to lying, no matter how trustworthy they are. Because the truth is worthless anyway. So it's possibly she didn't feel she had a choice.

 

All she did was kiss some wanker stripper. In the midst of a party, that can hardly mean anything at all. It doesn't have to mean anything at all, unless someone wants to make it mean something.

[Skeptic]

Here's how I paraphrase your post Landshark:

 

"I cheated, and my SO deserved it."

[Land Shark]

You'd be wrong. I'm just saying that women often look for the easy way out of a relationship. She picked the no-brainer. I don't think it's right. But it's so obvious that it hardly merits discussion.

[Trialbyfire]

You're making assumptions. His opening post states that he had issues with the bachelorette party and expressed them as such.

 

If she gave a damn about his feelings, she would have backed off the bach party. As it stands, she didn't and then proceeded to do what he feared, lying and lying and lying afterwards to cover it up.

 

Is she so completely passive-aggressive, that she would lash out at him in the most hurtful and abusive way possible within a committed relationship? How stupid is that, if that's the case!!!!

 

No matter which way you spin it, she's not a keeper, whether she's as effed up as lashing back in a passive-aggressive fashion or whether she's just plain not trustworthy.

[Land Shark]

You're making assumptions. His opening post states that he had issues with the bachelorette party and expressed them as such.

 

He had issues before the party even happened. He fantasized about what might happen. Then he accused her of being the kind of person who would do them.

 

If she gave a damn about his feelings, she would have backed off the bach party. As it stands, she didn't and then proceeded to do what he feared, lying and lying and lying afterwards to cover it up.

 

Maybe you're right. But then why should she have to? To make it so he doesn't have to worry about trusting her? Then he can be upset about her going out with friends another time. Or going to the office where other men work. Or going to the gym. Or the grocery store. Or online. What's ever ok to do when you aren't trusted?

 

Is she so completely passive-aggressive, that she would lash out at him in the most hurtful and abusive way possible within a committed relationship? How stupid is that, if that's the case!!!!

 

It's pretty bad, I agree. I'm not defending her. All I'm saying is that there's a lot more to this. And it's just as bad being with someone who doesn't trust you as it is to be with someone who isn't trustworthy.

 

No matter which way you spin it, she's not a keeper, whether she's as effed up as lashing back in a passive-aggressive fashion or whether she's just plain not trustworthy.

 

I'm not saying she's a keeper. But I think people should question whether he is. It's not unthinkable that there are two victims here, being victimized in two different ways. Would you rather be her and spend the rest of your life on eggshells? Or would you rather be him and suffer the quick betrayal?

[Trialbyfire]

What I'm willing to live with and what the OP is willing to live with, are two different things. For the purposes of this thread, it's moot.

 

You can take this all the way back to their first meet and greet and find things they both did wrong and pin everything to that. Regardless, the OP has given us a snapshot in time, of a situation he's indecisive about. We're responding as such, based on the information he's given us. Anything beyond that, is pure conjecture on anyone's part, unless the OP wants to come back and explain his entire history.

[Lizzie60]

OK OK.. relax.. it was a bachelorette party.. she was intoxicated.. her head was spinning with all the drinks, the excitement, the joy.. etc...

 

She made out with one of the boys.. so what? she will never see him again....

 

If you can't stand a little 'escapade' like that.. then you need to get out.. simple as that..

 

My advice: don't marry.. it's way more simple.. when things turn sour.. most marriage end up in divorce anyway.. spare yourself the trouble..

[Land Shark]

What I'm willing to live with and what the OP is willing to live with, are two different things. For the purposes of this thread, it's moot.

 

So speak for yourself. Which is worse?

 

You can take this all the way back to their first meet and greet and find things they both did wrong and pin everything to that. Regardless, the OP has given us a snapshot in time, of a situation he's indecisive about. We're responding as such, based on the information he's given us. Anything beyond that, is pure conjecture on anyone's part, unless the OP wants to come back and explain his entire history.

 

All you have to do is look for the evidence in the first post. When did he start having trust issues? Before they ever got together. Do you think the bachelorette party was the first time that stuff came to light? If the distrust was there at the end, then can you possibly think it wasn't a constant in between?

 

So you're right: it's a snapshot. But look how quickly everyone leapt to judgment. The betrayal, the still picture described to us, could be the biggest issue they have, or it could be a trivial side note. A couple hours of frivolity versus four years, and maybe even a lifetime, of hard slogging.

 

I've been in a position where my mate forced me to earn her trust. It was just a bait and switch game we replayed over and over. Because she wasn't capable of giving it no matter what I did. It was manipulation.

 

People who can't trust are almost by definition manipulative. And that will prove to be a much bigger problem for the original poster than losing a dumbass fiance.

[Trialbyfire]

Like you said, there are two sides to every story. One side is why would someone stick around, if they were experiencing distrust from their mate. The other side is, why would someone stick around if they didn't trust their mate. Something to consider about why that kind of dynamic would appeal to anyone. It takes two to tango, in the long run. Whether it's applicable in this scenario, no one knows except the OP and his fiancee. All we know is that he had issues with the stagette, which doesn't account for his entire 4 year relationship.

 

From a short-term perspective, in this particular snapshot, she acted in a particular fashion contrary to what viable and respectful relationships are made of.

[RunawayTrain]

The lack of morals on this board is absolutely disgusting. So she made out with a stripper one time thing ? No big deal ? Are you frigging kidding me?

[Jilly Bean]

OP, I am so sorry to hear this. It must be devastating for you.

 

While it does seem that she was way out of line, it also seems that your history and suspicions with cheating gf's may have contributed a bit to this.

 

Sometimes, when we falsely accuse someone so much, even if they are innocent, then they feel that YOU have no faith in them, and therefore feel that they might as well do what they are accused of, rather than be guilty with no sin commited.

 

I just wonder how much of you humping her for months in advance about what she should and shouldn't do, contributed to her "wth" mentality.

 

Just a thought...

 

And I say this, because I have been on the receiving end of a BF accusing me of cheating, or going on ad naseum about how I SHOULDN'T, and it got to the point that even though I hadn't, and didn't want to, I felt like, "well, this guy already thinks so little of me and my love for him that I would be that person, so I might as well since he's not seeing me otherwise!" (I still didn't, btw, but you get my point).

[RunawayTrain]

To begin with... I have been cheated on in the past by other girlfriends.

 

My fiancee and I have been together for 4 years. In the month or two leading up to her bachelorette party I spent extended lengths of time explaining to her my fears surrounding her bachelorette party. She spent extended amounts of time trying to explain to me that I had nothing to worry about.

 

Where does this say he accused her of cheating before the bachelorette party. The man has been cheated on before and was expressing his fears to his fiancee who in return told him he had nothing to worry about.

[Jilly Bean]

To begin with... I have been cheated on in the past by other girlfriends.

 

My fiancee and I have been together for 4 years. In the month or two leading up to her bachelorette party I spent extended lengths of time explaining to her my fears surrounding her bachelorette party. She spent extended amounts of time trying to explain to me that I had nothing to worry about.

 

Where does this say he accused her of cheating before the bachelorette party. The man has been cheated on before and was expressing his fears to his fiancee who in return told him he had nothing to worry about.

 

He doesn't. But his harping on the topic was enough to make her feel that she had to defend herself. And that leaves one with the same emotion of not feeling trusted by their partner.

 

Him going on and on about it for extended amounts of time, as he said, was the same as telling her he didn't trust her to do the right thing.

[RunawayTrain]

He doesn't. But his harping on the topic was enough to make her feel that she had to defend herself. And that leaves one with the same emotion of not feeling trusted by their partner.

 

Him going on and on about it for extended amounts of time, as he said, was the same as telling her he didn't trust her to do the right thing.

 

I kinda think he had the right to go on and on and on being that this was a woman that agreed to marry him. I don't think his persistance caused her to cheat, I think she was wired that way way before they met and he just happened to meet another cheater.

[Jilly Bean]

I kinda think he had the right to go on and on and on being that this was a woman that agreed to marry him. I don't think his persistance caused her to cheat, I think she was wired that way way before they met and he just happened to meet another cheater.

 

Well, I think if he already asked her to marry him, then humping the crap out of the cheating issue over and over should never have come up. One would assume when he proposed, it was because he trusted her already.