mortensorchid Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I was watching this movie not too long ago, some silly PG rated flick about some adventures on prom night. It made me think about the past ... Let me explain ... When I was first blooming at age 14 / 15, a freshman in high school, I went to a girls' school. Then, I got my first crush at age 14 where we were actually chatting on the phone and potentially leaving the house to do something. My father turned into a screaming, vicious monster of a man. Said crush was chased away. Then, I met my high school sweetheart. He was a senior, I was a sophomore and didn't even have my driver's license yet. My father was furious, even though he was probably the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. When we went out on PG rated dates (I was a virgin throughout high school), my father stayed up until he heard me come in - and it was always at a reasonable hour. The next morning, he would demand to know everything that happened in the course of the evening, from the plot of the movie we saw to everything we talked about. If we went to a party, he did everything but physically threaten me saying he would never allow me to go anywhere or go to any party that wasn't chaperoned. He said if he ever EVER heard that I had done anything else but kiss and hold hands that he would bring the wrath of God upon me. I did have one or two other boyfriends (because my high school sweetheart went away to college), who he instantly disapproved of and chased away. He even went so far as to restrict my social activity to going out twice a month. I was just a kid, I just said "whatever you say" and went along with it. What was I supposed to do? Eventually my Mom had a talk with him. She said he had to relax. Just because I left the house did not mean that I was going to get into some kind of crazy trouble, and not every man I encountered was going to be plotting and scheming to get me in the sack. Eventually he relented and eased up. Why does this matter? Well 20 years later, he has done just the opposite. Yes, fathers in general are clueless, that's for sure. But now, he doesn't understand why I don't have a boyfriend. He tells me that I'm not trying to meet others and I only hang around losers. I try to tell him that I do try to meet others, I can and will meet losers because there are mostly losers out there, but I would much rather be by myself than with a loser. He even one day went so far as to drag me out of the house years ago and make me get out and meet people with him that were more appropriate. He dragged me to a high school football game because he likes to sit around and watch football games! High school football games are for kids too young to drive yet, and I have not liked football since I was 14 or 15. I sat in the corner and sulked the whole time, wouldn't speak to him, and of course he felt all guilty because he took me away from something I would rather be doing. He tries to introduce me to things that he as a 66 year old man enjoys, which is nothing that a woman in her thirties would enjoy. And he says "I understand", of which he doesn't know s---. Just a story as to why I'm so dysfunctional I thought I would share.
TaraMaiden Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 So you're going to blame everything on him are you? In both scenarios, he's just looking out for you and trying to show you he cares. When he was over-protective, your mum had a word with him and he eased up, but he was looking out for your back - and thank goodness he did! have you any idea how many young girls would love to have a father that cared so much about them? Now, he wants to see you happy. he wants to see you share your life with someone special, and feel settled. He wants you to have a good social life, get out and about and he's trying to include you in stuff he thinks is fun. You'll miss him when he's gone..... Dysfunctional? That's your problem. He has nothing to do with it.
boogieboy Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 So you're going to blame everything on him are you? . Tara weve been thinking in parallel too often tonight, (twice..haha) that wouldnt be a bad thing for me, but what about for you?
Just Angel Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 And Tara once again beats me to the punch... lol.
lab_brat Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 My dad dumped us and ran when i was a kid, and sure, it affects you, but i think that as a grownup you need to get to a point where you take responsibility for your own happiness, and do whatever you have to do to heal yourself (frick, i sound like oprah), cause you only get one shot at life (unless you believe in reincarnation i guess...) Anyway, stop blaming him, coz it doesn't help, but do tell him to butt out of your personal life Also, yes, football sucks, but you're too old to be sulking in the corner
Els Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Eh. At least you were 15. I'm 23 and my parents still demand to know everything that I do. When I live with them I've gotta be home before nightfall. Thanks to college, I don't live with them anymore though. Whew.
Thornton Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I remember when I was 16 and my Dad frightened my first bf away with his shotgun He thought it was a funny joke, but my bf didn't think so. Subsequent bfs didn't receive much of his attention at all - he would meet them once, tell me what he disliked about them and why I should dump them, and then he would refuse to speak to them for the remainder of the relationship. For 3 years my bf used to come to my house, say hi to my Mum and come upstairs to hang out with me, without once going into the living room to say hi to my Dad, because my Dad was horrible to him. I have to admit, my Dad's dislike of everyone I dated was always a factor in me ending the relationship - I respect him, and his lack of respect for my bf always made me think twice about the relationship. Now I'm older I realise that those guys weren't really right for me, and my Dad wasn't very good at being accepting and letting me make my own mistakes. He could have handled it better, like my Mum who also knew each guy wasn't right but was still nice to them for the duration of the relationship. Now I'm 30 my Dad is rather concerned about my single status and the lack of grandchildren, and he's been incredibly nice to my current bf - although my current bf is a much nicer guy than my exes, so maybe that has something to do with it. As for going to football with your Dad - I think it's nice that he's spending time with you. A 66 year old guy doesn't necessarily know what a 30-something woman likes to do, but at least he's trying. My Dad is 64, and the activities I do with him aren't necessarily what I would choose to do myself, but I participate because I get to spend time with my Dad. We go for walks, or we watch tv documentaries and discuss them (which he loves), and we potter in the garden, or drive to the garden centre and look at seeds and fish tanks (two of his great interests). Sometimes I go with him to his local club, and I sit with all the old guys and have a drink, and play pool or darts (both of which I suck at). I don't care if it's not my favourite pastime, I just like spending time with my Dad and having a conversation with him, especially because he's getting on a bit and I want to make some quality memories with him before it's too late.
Lucky_One Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Dammit - I knew I missed my window of opportunity for suing my father for ruining my life, by enforcing my curfew, by knowing where I was and what I was doing and who I was doing it with, by refusing to let me run wild - AND I wasn't allowed to date until I had my driver's license!! Freaking MEAN dads out there! No wonder I am unable to go out and have NSA sex where some guy never calls me back after dumping me on the doorstep, or never cry myself to sleep because I have no self-esteem and don't value myself or my body! It is all HIS fault!!!!
BUENG1 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I was watching this movie not too long ago, some silly PG rated flick about some adventures on prom night. It made me think about the past ... Let me explain ... When I was first blooming at age 14 / 15, a freshman in high school, I went to a girls' school. Then, I got my first crush at age 14 where we were actually chatting on the phone and potentially leaving the house to do something. My father turned into a screaming, vicious monster of a man. Said crush was chased away. Then, I met my high school sweetheart. He was a senior, I was a sophomore and didn't even have my driver's license yet. My father was furious, even though he was probably the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. When we went out on PG rated dates (I was a virgin throughout high school), my father stayed up until he heard me come in - and it was always at a reasonable hour. The next morning, he would demand to know everything that happened in the course of the evening, from the plot of the movie we saw to everything we talked about. If we went to a party, he did everything but physically threaten me saying he would never allow me to go anywhere or go to any party that wasn't chaperoned. He said if he ever EVER heard that I had done anything else but kiss and hold hands that he would bring the wrath of God upon me. I did have one or two other boyfriends (because my high school sweetheart went away to college), who he instantly disapproved of and chased away. He even went so far as to restrict my social activity to going out twice a month. I was just a kid, I just said "whatever you say" and went along with it. What was I supposed to do? Eventually my Mom had a talk with him. She said he had to relax. Just because I left the house did not mean that I was going to get into some kind of crazy trouble, and not every man I encountered was going to be plotting and scheming to get me in the sack. Eventually he relented and eased up. Why does this matter? Well 20 years later, he has done just the opposite. Yes, fathers in general are clueless, that's for sure. But now, he doesn't understand why I don't have a boyfriend. He tells me that I'm not trying to meet others and I only hang around losers. I try to tell him that I do try to meet others, I can and will meet losers because there are mostly losers out there, but I would much rather be by myself than with a loser. He even one day went so far as to drag me out of the house years ago and make me get out and meet people with him that were more appropriate. He dragged me to a high school football game because he likes to sit around and watch football games! High school football games are for kids too young to drive yet, and I have not liked football since I was 14 or 15. I sat in the corner and sulked the whole time, wouldn't speak to him, and of course he felt all guilty because he took me away from something I would rather be doing. He tries to introduce me to things that he as a 66 year old man enjoys, which is nothing that a woman in her thirties would enjoy. And he says "I understand", of which he doesn't know s---. Just a story as to why I'm so dysfunctional I thought I would share. Are you saying your father has ruined you entire life by running of a high school boyfriend when you were 16 years old? Are you serious?
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 He even one day went so far as to drag me out of the house years ago and make me get out and meet people with him that were more appropriate. He dragged me to a high school football game because he likes to sit around and watch football games! High school football games are for kids too young to drive yet, and I have not liked football since I was 14 or 15. I sat in the corner and sulked the whole time, wouldn't speak to him, and of course he felt all guilty because he took me away from something I would rather be doing. What a selfish bastard he is. He wants to spend time with you, he wants you to be happy. What a jerk. You know, people make a lot of mistakes in life. That's what life is about - making mistakes and realizing the result of those mistakes. Sounds like he is trying to make amends and you sound spoiled. Maybe if you had tried to focus on what was IMPORTANT in that moment (bonding with your father), you would have had more fun. Learning how to have fun doing something that you don't even enjoy can help you grow. Can help you become a better person. Can help you be somebody that other people want to be with. So...yeah. You'd have an easier time getting a quality relationship if you'd see his current behavior as a learning opportunity rather than as some kind of insult just because he converts oxygen to carbon dioxide on a regular basis.
loveslife Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 When I was coming of age my grandmother criticized me to no end. She would be constantly telling me why no boy would want me as a girlfriend (my hair wasn't right, my clothes were all wrong... etc. etc.) so I rejected all the nice boys, thinking it couldn't be real. After all, my hair, my clothing...etc. etc. This stayed with me for decades. Rejecting all the nice guys and falling for the bad ones, who somehow would fulfill the prophecy that was ingrained in me. I blamed my grandmother for my misery for a long time but was unable to do anything about it. Until one day I decided that I deserved to be happy. That I deserve a good man who loves me. Haha I'm still a work-in-progress but I know that my life is my responsibility. And I know that I am the prize. I think it all comes down to those two things. I see people blaming things that someone has done to them for their misery and I can't get on-board. It's your life, it's your responsibility.
Kamille Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I've done cognitive behavioural therapy, the kind where the therapist tried his darndest to help me recognized how my current thoughts pattern had been moulded by my childhood experiences. It's been enlightening, so I understand the impulse to delve into the past and reinterpret events. But in your thread, I feel that you fail to make the links between a protective dad and your dysfunctions. Could you explain what links you make and how you want to tackle the dysfunctionnal thought patterns that resulted from your upbringing? As has been pointed out, the lucky amongst us had protective dads. This doesn't mean that a protective dad is beyond reproach. It could be that you somehow integrated some negative thought patterns as a result of his actions. You just haven't rendered those clear or taken responsibility for them in your post. My dad was also very protective but he was a lot more discreet then yours in his approach. He still made sure to meet the guys, would tease me about my choice of boyfriends, make sure to check up on me when I got home from parties or dates. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 15. He also is somewhat worried about my single status now and has recently started giving me advice. And you know what... His advice is usually right on the dot to the point where I will now turn to him when I'm struggling with something. He's always a little thrown by it, but I think he's starting to enjoy it too. Hey, it proves I recognize one important thing: he's got my back.
EddieN Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I went to an all-boys high school. I met maybe 10 girls during that time and liked one of them, who ended up rejecting me pretty hard. No dating, no homecoming, no prom. In addition to that, my mom was a nut when it came to women. Anytime we were watching TV and a young attractive woman came on, she would instantly change the channel. I remember many times when my dad and I were watching football and they had a shot of the cheerleaders, my mom would erupt and start a big fight. I became afraid to watch ANYTHING that wasn't G rated (she even complained about PG movies!). I remember one time when I was about 12 I was watching Ace Ventura with my brother and dad, and at the end when Ace was stripping the transvestite down to prove she was really a man, my mom came in and smashed the TV. She's calmed down now, and she really isn't that much of a prude...she just was totally against showing me ANY kind of sex until I was 16 or so. She also didn't like having my dad see that stuff too. Now I'm in college. When I got here, I realized I was way behind other guys when it came to girls, and I still am. Because of my upbringing with my mom, I have this notion that bringing up anything sexual around a girl is horrible and scummy. But you know what? I hardly think about that. I can spend all my time here saying "woe is me" and wishing I had a different upbringing, but I don't. More than that, I realize that even though my mom's actions were very very excessive, she taught me to be a respectful gentleman, unlike many guys my age. I look at the good and try my best to compensate for the bad. I still love both my parents and don't blame them for the way I am now.
dave200 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 You are an adult. You have the right to disown your father & have nothing more to do with him if you resent him that much. Nobody is obligated to love their parents.
Cherished Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I think it's really distasteful to post this on Father's Day.
Sam Spade Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 All (*ALL*, that is) families are disfynctional in their own way, and all parents are screwed up in their own way. The point being that around the age of 30 we should be able to figure it out and get over it (or else spend our lives in limbo and self-sabotage ourselves). When I'm a father, I'll probably be exactly like this dude towards my daughter, but I'll have a bit of a humor about it .
dave200 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I think it's really distasteful to post this on Father's Day. Big deal. Father's Day is just another day. It's all commericalized. To say that it's distasteful to post this on father's day is to imply that it is ok to bash fathers the other 364 days a year. If you really believe in honoring your father then you should do it everyday of the year not just on a holiday. Either do it consistently throughout the year or you are better off not doing it at all. I don't treat my father differently today than I do any other day of the year. I'm consistent. I feel the same way about birthdays. I don't want anyone to treat me any differently on my birthday than they would otherwise treat me 364 days a year. Which means if you don't like me all other days then I expect the same treatment on my birthday.
Cherished Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I still do believe it was distasteful and if the OP had more respect for her father, she wouldn't be as screwed up and terminally single.
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