Seems like a double standard

[Gamine]

I have read this post over and over to pound this into my head.

 

I am positive my husband sees the AP the same way you and many of the BS on this thread do...that they are accountable for their choices and their actions and must own them..just as the WS must take ownership and accountability for their choices and actions.

 

I am only one WS, but as a WS it is very difficult for me to "see" the OM as THE threat, THE violator, THE homewrecker, THE marriage destroyer.

I know it makes no sense. And I am trying to figure out why I think or feel this way.

 

I do feel accountable for the OM's decision to accept the "invite." I invited him and spent alot of time and energy on him to make sure he would indeed accept the invite. It was my goal and I succeeded.

 

Sure, he accepted the invite, but how could he resist. I made it far too tempting for him. I knew how to reel him in. I wanted to reel him in. And I did..for months.

 

It was no surprise that he "came around." It's what I wanted him to do. And when he started to respond, hesitantly at first, I gave him nothing but green lights to keep on coming. He followed my lead.

 

The tables turned farther into the EA when he started taking the more aggressive role, pushing the relationship further and further. But I didn't stop him. It felt good to turn the reins over to him and I sat back and savored every moment. I enjoyed how he pursued..enjoyed knowing he "needed" me, wanted to spend time with me, wanted me. I enjoyed watching how quickly and easily I could provoke a response from him with every little thing I said and did.

 

So, you see, bnb, I DO take 100 percent responsibility for my affair. I CREATED it. I caused it to happen. I MADE it happen.

 

I don't know how other WS's affairs came into being. Only my own. Perhaps in some, the OW/OM was the one who created and controlled it. In mine, it was me.

 

A long time ago, right after D-day, a poster here (Lakeside Dream) accused me of trying to control 2 men's lives...my H and my OM. I denied it, telling him I had NO CONTROL whatsoever....my emotions were out of control and the affair had taken some turns that were totally out of my control.

 

But that poster was so RIGHT in many ways. I did have the control. I was in the driver's seat...almost until the end. I started it. A third party ended it (not my H).

 

Perhaps in some, where the AP is the one who "starts" it and "controls" it, it is easier to place blame on that particular AP.

 

But I can't in my case. In fact, when I wrote a closure letter to the OM I apologized to him for possibly hurting him (not sure if I did hurt him. he went silent on me) and I told him I took 100 percent of the blame for our friendship crossing the lines that it did because I am the married one.

 

It's funny. A coworker of mine, who knew what was happening at work, said, "He (the OM) was grooming you for a sexual encounter and you didn't even know it."

 

His words confused me because the WHOLE TIME, I thought I was the one grooming him...not so much for sex....but for an emotional attachment I desperately wanted with SOMEONE. I wanted that connection and he gave it to me.

 

I guess "reality" depends on what perspective you are coming from. And so I guess WHO we choose to blame also depends on your own personal perspective as well.

 

I am starting to "get" the BS perspective of holding the AP accountable for their actions, as well. It's been interesting to read the insights because I never looked at my OM in this light..as a perpetrator, a violator..as being accountable in any way.

 

I know where you are coming from Taylor. But put in the simplest of ways... (and perhaps immaturely) it felt to me as if I was being ganged up on. People participating, in unison, to hurt me. That is how it was emotionally processed anyway. I felt violated by the women. And grossed out that I was having sex with a man who had sex with OW on the very same day. I felt like she used by 'sick' husband for cheap thrills and should have done the right thing by him.. after all they knew one another from 17 years ago.

[silktricks]

I do feel accountable for the OM's decision to accept the "invite." I invited him and spent alot of time and energy on him to make sure he would indeed accept the invite. It was my goal and I succeeded.

 

Sure, he accepted the invite, but how could he resist. I made it far too tempting for him. I knew how to reel him in. I wanted to reel him in. And I did..for months.

 

It was no surprise that he "came around." It's what I wanted him to do. And when he started to respond, hesitantly at first, I gave him nothing but green lights to keep on coming. He followed my lead.

 

So, this is what you believe to be the case for your situation. If a BS knows from outside sources that this is what happened with their WS, please tell me, do you think the OP should own any accountability?

[Owl]

So take a look at my story, from my side, Taylor.

 

I had up to that point lived in a 17 year marriage, with it's typical ups and downs. With four kids (all teens at the time), the stress levels could get pretty high, but we also had a fun family, that did a lot together. My wife and I knew how to laugh, love, and live.

 

We went into one of those "down times" that all marriages experience...just like they all have the "up times" as well.

 

During this downtime, my wife became addicted to online gaming, which added to the downswing. In fact, at the time she was suffering the start of depression as a result, but there was little I could do to get her to get treatment for it (or even admit it) at that point.

 

So, we're a little rockier than normal at that time...but again, nothing extreme, and probably still far better than many other marriages go through during THEIR down times.

 

THEN...OM comes into the picture. Realize that there aren't that many 'grown women' in MMORPGs. They're a rather scarce commodity. I was always counted as extremely lucky to have a wife that gamed with me.

 

They 'meet' in game...and in game, occasionally would have innocuous conversations and help each other out. He worked different hours than I did, and so was able to help her when I wasn't there.

 

No big deal so far, right?

 

So this goes on for a couple of months...and they start "getting closer". He goes through the same kind of "grooming process" that you'd do in life too. He started out with some seemingly innocent 'flirtiness' that gradually grew bolder and bolder. He also deliberately would bring the conversations into emotional (and potentially sexual when he could) directions. He was the one who suggested that they could communicate while he was at work via IM rather than only 'in game'.

 

When things started to cross the line, he was the one who explained to her how to cover her tracks on the computer (he was an IT guru).

 

The thing is...he was the one who gently led this whole thing in the direction he wanted it to go. He was SLICK. But it was clearly intentional.

 

Yes...she was completely responsible for not having and enforcing solid boundaries to protect our marriage. She absolutely crossed many, many lines here.

 

He intentionally helped "lead the way" for her across those lines.

 

He intentionally fostered a "friendship" with me...all the while setting the stage for the emotional affair to begin.

 

He admitted he was attracted to her from the beginning...and that he acted on that attraction without hesitation...knowing she was married, and having 'met' me online as well.

 

 

 

Men especially are RARELY "led" by the MW into the affair blindly and unwillingly. Our society is setup so that men are EXPECTED to "groom" the woman for any relationship they're seeking...which means that men especially aren't some kind of innocent bystander who was "sucked into it all unwillingly".

 

It's a choice that EVERY affair partner ACTIVELY makes...the only exception is when the MM/MW intentionally lies to them and conceals the fact that they're married.

[bentnotbroken]

Taylor, by you accepting blame for not only your actions but those of the OM, I think that's why you have such a hard time accepting the forgiveness given to you.

 

I know exactly what you mean about setting the situation up. It happened to me a few years ago. I was working out and there was guy who always spoke to me, but then he started complimenting my progress due to the workouts and telling me I looked good something Mr. Messy never did, as a matter of fact Mr. Messy was not happy that I worked out. He felt as if it were an inconvenience to him.

 

Anyway this guy said something nice everyday. One day while running the belt broke on the treadmill, I fell off he picked me up. He kept asking are you hurt, are you hurt? I wasn't but it felt good to have someone be concerned. Came home told Mr. Messy, is response was to criticize me for running at my age:eek: I was in my early 30's. The contrast was obvious and appealing. I started to talk to this guy about everything. We laughed and I looked forward to seeing him.

 

Thank God for good friends, my workout partner told me in no uncertain terms that I was headed for danger. She knew my marital situation well. I told her she was misconstruing what was happening. She let it go, but not a week later her called my home. He told me that he was just checking in to make sure I was okay because I hadn't been to the gym that day. Turns out my friend was right. Didn't matter at the time I enjoyed the attention.

 

He upped the anty, spotting me on weights, joined marital arts class I was in, even the boxing class I was in. Always smiling, winking and lightly touching my arm, my neck, my back. I didn't tell him no. This went on for about a month and then I had the thought slap me between the eyes, I am being pursued. How would I feel if Mr. Messy this was happening to Mr. Messy, what would I want him to do. (little did I know he was already on to his 2 or 3 affair, but that is another story for another time). I had to make a choice, enjoy the attention and rationalize that is only harmless flirting or say this is a danger zone and I need to run away from it like I was on my way to hell with gasoline panties on. Every time he touched me, I decided to let him and not put a stop to it. MY CHOICE. Every time he made remarks about my H not appreciating me, I didn't tell him that he was way out of line. MY CHOICE. When I didn't stand up for my family by walking away from him, MY CHOICE.

 

I told Mr. Messy the next day that I was attracted to this guy(he also knew him)and that I liked the attention he gave me. I also told him that I felt like he didn't care for me like he used to. He assured me that wasn't the case and for awhile it was good with us again. What I want you to understand is that guy was only responsible for pursuing a MW and disrespecting Mr. Messy's family. I am responsible for allowing the attention to continue, for not defending my family and disrespecting my marriage and Mr. Messy. My thoughts= my actions=my choices. He couldn't go anywhere with me, if I didn't allow that to happen.

 

Yes, God will hold us accountable for being a stumbling block to others(your pursuit of AP)but he will also hold others accountable for their choices(my decision to let the flirting escalate). You are only responsible for your actions, including the ones you are making now, by letting a small piece of guilt take away your complete joy(wondering why your BS forgave you so easily). Drop the actions you had no control over, this man did have a brain that functioned properly, no:confused:? He had his own set of morals and standards. And if your conviction to that is true and steady, nothing and no one can make you walk away from them. You may waiver slightly, but you don't walk away from them.

[taylor]

However, you are either missing or sidestepping the point. This thread has not been about objective viewers. It has been about the BS and whether or not they are exercising a "double-standard". Your statement "blood is thicker than water" frankly proves my point, which is that we humans will almost always be more forgiving towards those in our group than those out of it.

 

Not trying to miss or sidestep the point.

 

Yes, trying to be objective and not skewed by emotions.

 

I tried to look at the question of this thread objectively like this:

 

Who should be held accountable for an affair that brings devastation to a marriage?

 

And

 

Is there any justifiable reason why an OW/OM should be forgiven for their role in an affair?

 

Objectively speaking, IMO, the WS should be held accountable.

 

And NO, there is no justifiable reason to forgive an OW/OM for their role in an affair since a)there is no relationship between BS and AP and b)nothing that needs to be saved between them. If the BS needs to forgive in order for the BS to heal, then that's a different story, and has nothing to do with the AP.

 

But if we are looking at the situation subjectively, emotionally, from one perspective...the BS perspective...then I can easily see the BS blaming the OP for the affair...sometimes even moreso than their own spouse. It's easy to hate and blame an outsider. Harder to blame and hate someone you love.

 

And in many cases, it is easier to forgive someone you love than a stranger. But not in all cases. In some cases, the violation by someone you love cuts deeper and is harder to forgive because you do love and trust that person.

 

This topic is highly debatable when emotions and different perspectives (BS, WS, AP) are thrown in. Everyone looking for validation for what they are feeling.

 

But, to me, it's the objective viewpoint that gives the most clarity. Not sure true objectivity is possible as all of us here have been touched in one way or another by an affair.

 

 

When I was a young teen, my dad had an affair and my parents divorced soon afterwards. I blamed my dad but my mom overwhelmingly blamed the OW. I knew why. She loved my dad and it was hard to hate him for it. And while I blamed my dad for turning our lives upside down, I forgave him by the time I reached adulthood..because I loved him.

 

do you feel you "got away" with something? Do you believe that you will do it again? I cannot speak to all situations. Only my own and a few others I know well, but the WS didn't "get away" with anything. Because we have dealt with our WS in private we do not all have to deal with them in public. Not many of us have had the ability to deal with the other side of the triangle privately-though I do know one woman who traveled to another state to do so.

 

I do feel, in a way, like I got away with something because my husband forgave me so quickly.

 

But I have not totally forgiven myself. I went thru a long, long period of self-loathing..of feeling ashamed and worthless, undeserving. I had my own personal, internal torture chamber inside of me. I have punished myself far more than my husband ever did or would.

 

Do I believe I will ever do it again? It's dangerous to talk in terms of forever but at this point, I do not see myself ever getting involved again outside my marriage. The pain is far worse than the pleasure. But I will admit that I still long for that kind of pleasure. Only now, I am working on finding that with my husband.

 

 

You as a fWS have been experiencing internal pain according to you. Do you feel that is punishment?

 

Yes, most definitely and totally justified.

 

But honestly, your (and other ow's) idea that BS hold the OP accountable and not their spouse, is ludicrous.

 

There are several BW on this forum who have given me the impression that they have forgiven their husbands too easily while continuing to point fingers at their husband's OW's. They focus far too much on the OW than on their cheating spouse.

 

There are also several BW on this forum who repeatedly forgive their husbands for cheating, only to have their husbands turn around and cheat on them again and again. Not quite sure how these BW feel about the OW's in their husband's lives.

 

Many of the OW's discussed on this forum have acquired "names" such as skank and ho.

 

On the other hand, I don't see as many BH blowing their wive's OMs away or beating them up or even dwelling on the OM. And I don't see many BH calling their wive's OM's by "acquired names" such as skank or ho. And I don't see many BH taking serial cheating wives back time and time again (OK..exception..DNU). But it's rare.

 

What I see in many cases is BH either desperate to patch things up with their wives or in a hurry to kick their cheating azzes out the door. The focus appears to be more on their cheating spouse than on the OM.

 

The problem most OW have is that we also hold the OP accountable for theirs.

 

And the problem is see is BW hold the OWs far more accountable for their husband's affairs than they should. BH don't do that...they put the brunt of the blame on their wives and far more BH kick their wives out at the first sign of cheating than BW do. BW tend to forgive their cheating husband's quickly and continue to carry a grudge against the OW.

 

This is just the way I see it. My 2 cents.

[Gamine]

Taylor, I don't know... maybe the difference between how men and women react to infidelity has something to do with wiring... whether ingrained or naturally.

[Owl]

Here is a REAL simple way to look at this from a man's point of view...

 

I know that any relationship that I establish with someone will always be as a result of my active DECISION to be with that person. Being "with" someone is never an accident (not for me at least) but always will be the result of my deliberate actions and intent to be there.

 

Given that...for me at least, it's impossible to see ANYONE who is in a relationship that they shouldn't be as "blameless" or "not responsible" for where they're at.

 

That includes your OM...and my wife's.

 

Men are active pursuers in our society. That prevents you from accepting all the blame for OM's actions, nor does it absolve OM from his CHOICE to be with you.

[Spark1111]

So, Taylor, I think we are back to holding women MORE accountable for actions that effect our marriages and our families, and yes, that could be the double standard you speak of. We are the nurturers and the keepers of the clan.

 

But I also suspect that you approach the topic of your other person as being almost blameless because you consider yourself the pursuer.

 

Every scenario is different, as OWL and Gamine have outlined in their stories.

 

Perhaps the degree of anger a BS feels towards the OP is in direct proportion to who pursued whom? Who put the greater effort into the grooming, so to speak.

 

If your OP had done everything to entice you into an affair, that you did to him, would you feel your husband's anger towards the OM was justified?

 

And as a P.S. --Accepting responsibility for your actions are admirable and a great first step. But you must forgive yourself before you can truly start to heal yourself and your marriage.

[taylor]

Taylor, by you accepting blame for not only your actions but those of the OM, I think that's why you have such a hard time accepting the forgiveness given to you.

 

I know exactly what you mean about setting the situation up. It happened to me a few years ago. I was working out and there was guy who always spoke to me, but then he started complimenting my progress due to the workouts and telling me I looked good something Mr. Messy never did, as a matter of fact Mr. Messy was not happy that I worked out. He felt as if it were an inconvenience to him.

 

Anyway this guy said something nice everyday. One day while running the belt broke on the treadmill, I fell off he picked me up. He kept asking are you hurt, are you hurt? I wasn't but it felt good to have someone be concerned. Came home told Mr. Messy, is response was to criticize me for running at my age:eek: I was in my early 30's. The contrast was obvious and appealing. I started to talk to this guy about everything. We laughed and I looked forward to seeing him.

 

Thank God for good friends, my workout partner told me in no uncertain terms that I was headed for danger. She knew my marital situation well. I told her she was misconstruing what was happening. She let it go, but not a week later her called my home. He told me that he was just checking in to make sure I was okay because I hadn't been to the gym that day. Turns out my friend was right. Didn't matter at the time I enjoyed the attention.

 

He upped the anty, spotting me on weights, joined marital arts class I was in, even the boxing class I was in. Always smiling, winking and lightly touching my arm, my neck, my back. I didn't tell him no. This went on for about a month and then I had the thought slap me between the eyes, I am being pursued. How would I feel if Mr. Messy this was happening to Mr. Messy, what would I want him to do. (little did I know he was already on to his 2 or 3 affair, but that is another story for another time). I had to make a choice, enjoy the attention and rationalize that is only harmless flirting or say this is a danger zone and I need to run away from it like I was on my way to hell with gasoline panties on. Every time he touched me, I decided to let him and not put a stop to it. MY CHOICE. Every time he made remarks about my H not appreciating me, I didn't tell him that he was way out of line. MY CHOICE. When I didn't stand up for my family by walking away from him, MY CHOICE.

 

I told Mr. Messy the next day that I was attracted to this guy(he also knew him)and that I liked the attention he gave me. I also told him that I felt like he didn't care for me like he used to. He assured me that wasn't the case and for awhile it was good with us again. What I want you to understand is that guy was only responsible for pursuing a MW and disrespecting Mr. Messy's family. I am responsible for allowing the attention to continue, for not defending my family and disrespecting my marriage and Mr. Messy. My thoughts= my actions=my choices. He couldn't go anywhere with me, if I didn't allow that to happen.

 

Yes, God will hold us accountable for being a stumbling block to others(your pursuit of AP)but he will also hold others accountable for their choices(my decision to let the flirting escalate). You are only responsible for your actions, including the ones you are making now, by letting a small piece of guilt take away your complete joy(wondering why your BS forgave you so easily). Drop the actions you had no control over, this man did have a brain that functioned properly, no:confused:? He had his own set of morals and standards. And if your conviction to that is true and steady, nothing and no one can make you walk away from them. You may waiver slightly, but you don't walk away from them.

 

BNB, I read this post a few minutes ago and I have been crying ever since. You hit a nerve here and I feel completely shaken.

 

Everything you describe about the man at the gym and what happened there is EXACTLY how it happened with me and the OM at work...all the actions..all the thoughts and feelings...all the same.

 

The difference is you had the integrity and the strength to stop it. I didn't. I didn't. And that's why I can't forgive myself. I hate myself for being so weak and I am ashamed that I lost my integrity along the way..something so valuable..so important...gone.

 

This makes no sense but after D-day I was so desperate to know how the OM felt about me. I wanted to shine in his eyes like he made me feel before D-day. But after D-day, when reality was closing in, I was terrified that all of a sudden he would see me in a different light...as some piece of trash..someone not worthy of respect..someone with no morals or integrity. His silence certainly helped convey these feelings..these fears.

 

In my closure letter to him I asked him to forgive me for not keeping our friendship in check and I told him I hoped he would not judge me, a married woman, for having developed the feelings for him that I did.

 

I was asking the OM for forgiveness instead of my husband!

 

I guess I am guilty of forgiving the OM for his role in the affair far more completely and far too quickly than I should have. But, then again, I never really attached any blame to him...not really. I am starting to see a little more clearly. Thank you so much, bnb, for sharing your story above..and for the support and insight.

[taylor]

I had to make a choice, enjoy the attention and rationalize that is only harmless flirting or say this is a danger zone and I need to run away from it like I was on my way to hell with gasoline panties on.

 

BTW, bnb, you also made me laugh...

[bentnotbroken]

Taylor, if you had completely lost integrity, you wouldn't own your crap. You do. King David, a man after God's own heart, wanted another's man wife so badly, he put that man on the front line of battle knowing he would be killed. He was and David took Bathsheba to be his wife. A good friend and advisor pointed David's act out to him in the form of a story(parable 2 Samuel Chapter 12)David was sorry and repented. He still had to suffer consequences for his actions, but God was lenient because he recognized and repented. God continued to love him and support him. He even allowed Jesus to come through David's ancestral line. God loves you, now it is time you love you.

 

I have said on here before, we can say something is wrong, but we don't have the right or the power to attach any type of punishment for it. That is God's job. And sweetheart, you are trying to do God's job. You don't have the right to punish yourself for something that you repented and turned away from. You can't be just with yourself because you are human. And no matter how hard we try, we aren't fair to each others and very seldom to ourselves. We attach everything we have ever thought, felt and done wrong to a specific incident in life. Then it grows and takes over a life of it's own. While we are trying to manage the guilt feelings, we miss the blessings standing in front of.

 

You have got to let go and let God do what is best for you, not what you think is right for you. You aren't being fair, to you or your H. Go to your H ask for his forgiveness again and then accept it, never looking back.

[silktricks]

Men are active pursuers in our society. That prevents you from accepting all the blame for OM's actions, nor does it absolve OM from his CHOICE to be with you.

 

Don't kid yourself, Owl... So are women.

[taylor]

So, this is what you believe to be the case for your situation. If a BS knows from outside sources that this is what happened with their WS, please tell me, do you think the OP should own any accountability?

 

Yes, certainly if it was known 100 percent that the AP had designs on the WS from the get go, they should be held more accountable..to a greater degree..than an AP who was pursued, no bars held, by a WS.

 

But, bottom line, I still believe the WS should be held most accountable.

 

 

The WS is obligated to protect marriage and family. The WS made a committment TO LOVE (a decision/action) his spouse and forsake all others.

 

When an AP pursues a MP relentlessly, the MP has a choice to honor and respect his spouse, protect his marriag, and act with integrity -OR- throw it all out the window and surrender to fired-up emotions.

 

The WS makes this same decision every time he is with the AP...Do I love my spouse and walk away from this...or do I choose NOT to love my spouse and give in the temptation.

 

A MP in the midst of an affair chooses over and over again to NOT love his spouse and to not protect his marriage.

 

Those choices ..bad choices...are far worse than the choices an AP makes..no matter how relentless the AP is.

 

That's all an MP has to say is NO, THANKS. I'M MARRIED. It's hard to pursue when the other person shows no interest.

[Spark1111]

BNB, I read this post a few minutes ago and I have been crying ever since. You hit a nerve here and I feel completely shaken.

 

Everything you describe about the man at the gym and what happened there is EXACTLY how it happened with me and the OM at work...all the actions..all the thoughts and feelings...all the same.

 

The difference is you had the integrity and the strength to stop it. I didn't. I didn't. And that's why I can't forgive myself. I hate myself for being so weak and I am ashamed that I lost my integrity along the way..something so valuable..so important...gone.

 

This makes no sense but after D-day I was so desperate to know how the OM felt about me. I wanted to shine in his eyes like he made me feel before D-day. But after D-day, when reality was closing in, I was terrified that all of a sudden he would see me in a different light...as some piece of trash..someone not worthy of respect..someone with no morals or integrity. His silence certainly helped convey these feelings..these fears.

 

In my closure letter to him I asked him to forgive me for not keeping our friendship in check and I told him I hoped he would not judge me, a married woman, for having developed the feelings for him that I did.

 

I was asking the OM for forgiveness instead of my husband!

 

I guess I am guilty of forgiving the OM for his role in the affair far more completely and far too quickly than I should have. But, then again, I never really attached any blame to him...not really. I am starting to see a little more clearly. Thank you so much, bnb, for sharing your story above..and for the support and insight.

 

Taylor, I do not know if this will help you. I hope so.

 

My WH needed to forgive himself for his role in the affair before he could objectively examine his affair partner and the role she played. I had already forgiven them both.

 

It was only then that her halo began to slip off of her head. He had only thought of her as this wonderful damsel in distress that he would save, because he couldn't save himself at the time.

 

As he grows stronger, he has finally had the courage to examine the steps EACH OF THEM took to keep it going. He has finally allowed himself to feel anger towards her, (normal) for the manipulations she used to fuel the fantasy "soulmate" scenario.

 

He used her, but yes, she used him too, and it took him a long time to realize that AND come to terms with it. He too, only felt guilty at hurting two people for a long time.

 

Maybe as a BS, we see that dynamic more clearly and quicker than the APs. Maybe that's why we have anger directed mostly at our spouses, but certainly at the OP as well.

[Snowflower]

 

And the problem is see is BW hold the OWs far more accountable for their husband's affairs than they should. BH don't do that...they put the brunt of the blame on their wives and far more BH kick their wives out at the first sign of cheating than BW do. BW tend to forgive their cheating husband's quickly and continue to carry a grudge against the OW.

 

This is just the way I see it. My 2 cents.

 

I don't agree that BH kick their wives out at the first sign of cheating more than BW do.

 

Time and time again, I see some poor, bewildered husband come to these forums completely clueless about why his wife suddenly isn't interested in their marriage anymore. Almost invariably there is an OM in the picture.

 

These poor husbands...they are desperate to get their wives back but many times it is too late. These BH try everything to get their wives to stay but it usually doesn't end well..and it is the WW who leaves. I always feel sorry for these poor guys.

 

***

 

I do carry justifiable anger for the OW. I do see her as one who kept trying to hang on to someone (my H) who was confused and lost himself.

 

Like other BW here-I do hold my H more accountable because he was the one who mattered to me, not her.

 

However, it IS/WAS easier for me to forgive my H because as we worked through recovery, I got to hear his 'side' of things. His explanations, his feelings, etc. It was crucial to me to understand 'why.'

 

As for the OW, I will never know why she did what she did. I can make some guesses but that is a waste of my time. If she were to come to me and apologize and explain her reasons...I likely would have some compassion for her. But, this is not going to happen and I wouldn't even expect this of her or of AP for that matter.

 

It's hard to forgive what you don't understand or know about. I know and can 'understand' my husband's reasons and I forgave him.

[Snowflower]

I don't know... but for me I had this guy standing in front of me who was in a dark hole and I was the only one to stand by him and pull him out. You know, there are quite a few people who want to mock the BS for staying with their WS. But, you know, it really takes brass ones to do it. If all I am is a 'good time Charlie' and abandon the one who I promised I would care for in sickness and in health... well then I'm a shallow sack of you know what.

 

So, there is this man... my husband of 14 years... looking like he is destroyed... looking 20 years older... confused. Obviously in deep emotional/psychological trouble.

 

 

Gamine, your struggle with your husband's infidelity sounds very similar to my own.

 

I also saw in my husband a man who was practically destroyed emotionally by what he had done.

 

I also had to be the strong one (even though I had no clue what had really happened-the A-for several months) for my husband. It was a gift of my love for him.

 

It was definitely the 'better or for WORSE' part of the marriage vows that I had to work hard to uphold. It took incredible emotional strength for me to pull him out of this dark pit that he was in.

 

Sure, I could have dumped his a**-after had broken some important promises to me. I could have left him to drown in that pit while I continued my life without him, partying it up and basking in my own self-righteousness. For some reason I could not do that.

 

I also understand, Gamine, (going off topic here) about what you have said when you worry that despite all the saving of your husband that you did out of love, that some fragile bond between you has possibly been broken.

[silktricks]

The difference is you had the integrity and the strength to stop it. I didn't. I didn't. And that's why I can't forgive myself. I hate myself for being so weak and I am ashamed that I lost my integrity along the way..something so valuable..so important...gone.

 

This makes no sense but after D-day I was so desperate to know how the OM felt about me. I wanted to shine in his eyes like he made me feel before D-day. But after D-day, when reality was closing in, I was terrified that all of a sudden he would see me in a different light...as some piece of trash..someone not worthy of respect..someone with no morals or integrity. His silence certainly helped convey these feelings..these fears.

 

In my closure letter to him I asked him to forgive me for not keeping our friendship in check and I told him I hoped he would not judge me, a married woman, for having developed the feelings for him that I did.

 

I was asking the OM for forgiveness instead of my husband!

 

I guess I am guilty of forgiving the OM for his role in the affair far more completely and far too quickly than I should have. But, then again, I never really attached any blame to him...not really. I am starting to see a little more clearly. Thank you so much, bnb, for sharing your story above..and for the support and insight.

 

Possibly the reason you have a hard time understanding why BS usually (not always of course, but usually) assign blame to both is because you have not. You have taken full responsibility for your situation, and think that therefore all BS should see their spouse as being fully responsible.

 

BS - whether BW or BH, most usually assign responsibility to both. Name calling that you have indicated is simply a more female thing to do IMO. Women call names, men consider violence - but those are generalities, just as your examples were generalities.

 

I think it is good that you are starting to see more clearly. My WH also took complete blame upon himself for his/our situation. It wasn't until much later than he could see how she had managed to insinuate herself and involve herself with him and yes, even groom him, for a relationship that he realized her part.

 

The fact that he took part in the EA was his doing and his responsibility. Her part was her part. When two people are doing something that is destructive, it is the responsibility of both people, not just one. That is the piece that many OP do not want to see.

 

About forgiveness? I forgave my husband long ago for what happened. But the forgiveness was a work in progress for a longtime, too. He, though, I do not believe has forgiven himself, therefore at times, he believes I have not forgiven him, either. If our marriage does fail at some point in the future, I believe it will be that issue that causes the failure. Not my inability to forgive him, but his to forgive himself.

 

I don't know the OW personally - have I forgiven her? Unless I ever actually meet her, I don't know that I will truly know. I believe that in some respects I have, and others I have not.... but I don't really care, as I never really think of her.

[Snowflower]

 

Maybe as a BS, we see that dynamic more clearly and quicker than the APs. Maybe that's why we have anger directed mostly at our spouses, but certainly at the OP as well.

 

Spark, you bring up a very good point here. Wow, this makes me think about things.

 

I could certainly see some of dynamics in my husband's relationship with the OW since I was a relative 'outsider.' After my husband confessed his A, I could see the 'triangle' between him, me and the OW very clearly. It scared the crap out of me and made me sick at the same time.

 

Since I wasn't 'in the know' until the 11th hour, I was looking at what it was more objectively.

 

I could see the dynamics very clearly...more clearly than he could being in the very middle and because I was somewhat emotionally removed from it. I was involved but then again i wasn't...he and the OW had worked very hard to build this dynamic between them and I was not a part of it.

 

At the very end, when I thought all was lost between my H and me, I warned him about how I saw their relationship progressing. I actually felt bad for my H.

[taylor]

So take a look at my story, from my side, Taylor.

 

I had up to that point lived in a 17 year marriage, with it's typical ups and downs. With four kids (all teens at the time), the stress levels could get pretty high, but we also had a fun family, that did a lot together. My wife and I knew how to laugh, love, and live.

 

We went into one of those "down times" that all marriages experience...just like they all have the "up times" as well.

 

During this downtime, my wife became addicted to online gaming, which added to the downswing. In fact, at the time she was suffering the start of depression as a result, but there was little I could do to get her to get treatment for it (or even admit it) at that point.

 

So, we're a little rockier than normal at that time...but again, nothing extreme, and probably still far better than many other marriages go through during THEIR down times.

 

THEN...OM comes into the picture. Realize that there aren't that many 'grown women' in MMORPGs. They're a rather scarce commodity. I was always counted as extremely lucky to have a wife that gamed with me.

 

They 'meet' in game...and in game, occasionally would have innocuous conversations and help each other out. He worked different hours than I did, and so was able to help her when I wasn't there.

 

No big deal so far, right?

 

So this goes on for a couple of months...and they start "getting closer". He goes through the same kind of "grooming process" that you'd do in life too. He started out with some seemingly innocent 'flirtiness' that gradually grew bolder and bolder. He also deliberately would bring the conversations into emotional (and potentially sexual when he could) directions. He was the one who suggested that they could communicate while he was at work via IM rather than only 'in game'.

 

When things started to cross the line, he was the one who explained to her how to cover her tracks on the computer (he was an IT guru).

 

The thing is...he was the one who gently led this whole thing in the direction he wanted it to go. He was SLICK. But it was clearly intentional.

 

Yes...she was completely responsible for not having and enforcing solid boundaries to protect our marriage. She absolutely crossed many, many lines here.

 

He intentionally helped "lead the way" for her across those lines.

 

He intentionally fostered a "friendship" with me...all the while setting the stage for the emotional affair to begin.

 

He admitted he was attracted to her from the beginning...and that he acted on that attraction without hesitation...knowing she was married, and having 'met' me online as well.

 

The only ones who truly know how the affair was created is your wife and the OM.

 

From what you have written, it sounds like the OM pursued and she responded. He was attracted and acted on it. You also assume that this is how the "game" is usually played..the man pursues (grooms) and the woman responds to that grooming.

 

But have you ever heard the expression: Chase the man until he catches you.

 

It implies that the woman has her own very subtle ways of turning the guys head, making him take notice, creating the initial attraction that makes him want to pursue.

 

An outsider looking at my situation at work would easily have said the OM pursued me...groomed me..chased me. Just like my coworker did. The coworker saw the OM's body language, saw the flirtatious smile and glistening eyes, saw the little special things he was doing for me, heard the complements and innuendos.

 

But what the coworker didn't see was what I was doing and saying to the OM BEFORE the OM started to pursue.

 

Way before the OM made his first flirtatious comment, I made myself attractive to him in any and every way I could think of..ways I knew would push his buttons. But they were so very subtle no one noticed but him.

 

By the time he started making his first advances..that first flattering, well-thought-out complement..I had already worked my magic on him.

 

 

Men especially are RARELY "led" by the MW into the affair blindly and unwillingly. Our society is setup so that men are EXPECTED to "groom" the woman for any relationship they're seeking...which means that men especially aren't some kind of innocent bystander who was "sucked into it all unwillingly".

 

I think women often make men believe they (the men) are taking the lead. I think in many cases a woman sets her sights on a particular man she is interested in and then she does what she needs to to attract and keep his attention..to get him to pursue.

 

I agree, at least in my case, that the OM did not go into the affair blindly or unwillingly. He didn't get sucked in. And I am sure he was doing his best to "groom" me.

 

But I had to be throwing him the right signals...I had to be giving him the green light...for him to believe his efforts would "pay off."

 

I don't think many men pursue married women who carry huge neon signs that say, "BACK OFF BUDDY. I'M MARRIED AND OFF LIMITS. AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS, I CAN GET MY HUSBAND TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU."

 

A MW has to give off some kind of vibe...even subtle..for a man to pick up on his radar before he makes a move, IMO.

 

I often wondered what it was exactly that convinced my OM that he had a chance with me...a married woman. Was it the way I smiled at him..was it the way I looked at him...was it my body language...was it the way I laughed at his silly jokes..the way I hung on his every word..the way I boosted his spirits and his ego with my flattering words...

 

What was it that made him think I was "up" for an affair? What was his green light to pursue?

 

What was your wife's OM's green light to pursue? What made him think she might be "up" for an affair?

 

Your wife should have turned the computer off the minute the man made his first flirtatious comment. She should have felt THAT uncomfortable. But she didn't.(easy for me to say in hindsight. i did the same as your wife) Which leads me to believe she wanted their relationship to go there...maybe even before the first flirtation was voiced. Only she knows for sure.

[Molley]

Molly, man up! Do you love this man? If yes, start fighting for your relationship. Expose it to all. Make it uncomfortable. Tell her your husband is begging to reconcile and while you are deciding if you even want him back, she better back off. He is not allowed to "be friends" with someone he was shagging behind your back.

 

If there is continued contact, you will shout it from the roof tops to all.

 

Let him listen to you taking control. Forget about him writing a letter. He's adrift in a sea of confusion. Enough!

 

Tell him to man up! YOU deserve a loving and devoted partner. IC and MC are mandatory. Ask for everything you need from him and he better deliver.

 

Otherwise, tell him he can go get her as you would like to start dating in hopes of finding the wonderful romantic partner you deserve! You are starting this Saturday. Call your girlfriends and go out.

 

THanks Spark - Yes, I've already exposed the affair to friends, family, a few people at his work. I've got a letter that I finished to the OW letting her know it's over between them and to back off. I'm finished being the nice person. No more, I am now in control. I've also told H that he's got to go to MC with me and what my needs are. He's going to have to meet them, because I won't take him back otherwise. Now's my time, you are so right.

[Gamine]

Taylor, along the lines of what BNB said earlier... it is the state of the heart that matters. You know, I don't believe that God expects his children to be perfect. There are so many parables in the Bible that try to convey this message so clearly. The protical son. It is the state of the heart that matters.

 

I want you to know (and I've said it before) that you are amazing. You own it. You have processed it. You have a sound and good heart. That is all God asks of you. That is all anyone can ever ask of you.

 

If it took this incident to bring this realization around then it was a lesson that you took out of it... which made you a better person. There are those who make mistakes and see that has a defining moment of the self and proceed down a path that has no end. You know yourself and have held yourself accountable.

 

I read a book written by John Paul Getty. There was a really interesting story he told concerning a guy who worked at one of his aviation plants who messed up and cost Getty millions. There was a new position made vacant for management over quality control. Getty picked the guy who screwed up. The guy was admittedly quite shocked by his selection and asked why he would have been chosen for this position of responsibility in light of his past screw up. Getty responded that he uniquely knew from his past the importance of following through and that given this experience he was the least likely to ever take QC and follow through for granted.

 

Makes ya think.

[Owl]

The only ones who truly know how the affair was created is your wife and the OM.

 

Normally, I would completely agree. However, I would also throw this out there...NEVER engage in an online affair when you have a husband who worked for a living gathering intelligence, and has a background in electronics and telecommunications.

 

Once I had reason to snoop, I learned more about their interactions than either of them could recall. Game logs, IM and email chains, text messages sent/received...the only thing I didn't 'see' was what was said during phone conversations.

 

From what you have written, it sounds like the OM pursued and she responded. He was attracted and acted on it. You also assume that this is how the "game" is usually played..the man pursues (grooms) and the woman responds to that grooming.

 

This is exactly what I saw from their interactions. Now...the fact that he pursued does NOT negate her responsibilities for not enforcing a strong boundary, for not rebuffing him...and for the fact that she did eventually actively engage in the emotional affair. I do not consider her blameless in this at all...I simply do not consider HIM to be any less blameless.

 

But have you ever heard the expression: Chase the man until he catches you.

 

It implies that the woman has her own very subtle ways of turning the guys head, making him take notice, creating the initial attraction that makes him want to pursue.

 

Absolutely aware of it. I totally get it. And again, I would completely agree, except you don't know my wife. While she's the sweetest person in the world, she's got all the sublety of a charging rhino. She simply doesn't think like this. When it comes to people, she's a very naive and trusting person. She is also a very direct and up front person...and was with OM, once things got to that point.

 

An outsider looking at my situation at work would easily have said the OM pursued me...groomed me..chased me. Just like my coworker did. The coworker saw the OM's body language, saw the flirtatious smile and glistening eyes, saw the little special things he was doing for me, heard the complements and innuendos.

 

But what the coworker didn't see was what I was doing and saying to the OM BEFORE the OM started to pursue.

 

But would your HUSBAND, who knows you...have seen it? I'm betting so...

 

 

I agree, at least in my case, that the OM did not go into the affair blindly or unwillingly. He didn't get sucked in. And I am sure he was doing his best to "groom" me.

 

Therefore he was equally to blame. He knew you were married, he groomed you, and eventually he became involved in an inappropriate with a married woman.

 

But I had to be throwing him the right signals...I had to be giving him the green light...for him to believe his efforts would "pay off."

 

True and not true. All you had to do was not to give him the WRONG signals...as long as you didn't wave him off, set a boundary, whatever...he was going to pursue you. Simply put...he knew you were married, and he wanted you, and he PURSUED you...ergo...he was wrong. He was culpable for his choice.

 

I don't think many men pursue married women who carry huge neon signs that say, "BACK OFF BUDDY. I'M MARRIED AND OFF LIMITS. AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS, I CAN GET MY HUSBAND TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU."

 

A MW has to give off some kind of vibe...even subtle..for a man to pick up on his radar before he makes a move, IMO.

 

Wrong...all you have to do is not enforce the boundary that you should have enforced. Men (and women) are OFTEN 'trying boundaries' with others...and it's when they don't get the ward off signs that they will CONTINUE to pursue. But they typically have to try something first to test a boundary.

 

Your OM was wrong for testing it.

 

You were wrong for not enforcing a boundary.

 

You both compounded that by continuing.

 

If you knowingly and intentionally pursued it beforehand...well, that does add to your responsbility factor here. But even that doesn't negate HIS responsibiltiy.

 

What was your wife's OM's green light to pursue? What made him think she might be "up" for an affair?

 

Her LACK of boundaries, and lack of limits in how far she let things go when he broached those "gray areas" in the conversations.

 

Your wife should have turned the computer off the minute the man made his first flirtatious comment. She should have felt THAT uncomfortable. But she didn't.(easy for me to say in hindsight. i did the same as your wife) Which leads me to believe she wanted their relationship to go there...maybe even before the first flirtation was voiced. Only she knows for sure.

 

You're totally right, she should have. I can't justify her acceptance of the situation, nor do I believe that she was completely a lamb being innocently led into the slaughter. Not at all...but regardless of whether or not she was a lamb...it doesn't mean that the OM wasn't a wolf who was hunting.

[taylor]

Possibly the reason you have a hard time understanding why BS usually (not always of course, but usually) assign blame to both is because you have not. You have taken full responsibility for your situation, and think that therefore all BS should see their spouse as being fully responsible.

 

You are right, silktricks. It's my perspective as a WS who has assumed full responsibility for allowing an affair to nearly destroy my marriage and my husband.

 

It's a different perspective than that of the BS or perhaps another WS who felt he/she was pursued relentlessly and taken advantage of at a weak and vulnerable time in their life.

 

This is how my H, the BS, looks at my affair. Like I was a naive, good-natured, nurturing, giving person who was taken advantage of by a "slimeball" who wanted to use me for sex.

 

My husband justifies my failure to stop the OM's pursuits by saying, "You were weak and vulnerable at the time..lonely because we were having problems. He knew it and took advantage of it."

 

Even in my own affair, my husband (the BS) and I (the WS) do not "see" the affair the same way. I put the blame on myself, he puts it on the OM.

 

It is no surprise to me that here, on this thread, there is debate about assigning blame. For goodness sake, my H and I can't even agree where the blame belongs in my affair.

 

But you are right, I am starting to see a little clearer..the role the OM played and the need for me to hold him at least somewhat accountable for his willingness to insert himself between my husband and I at a time when our marriage was most vulnerable.

 

It's hard to do because as I put blame on him I feel like I am lifting it off of myself...using him as the scapegoat..the excuse..for my own bad behavior. Kind of like saying, "I did it but he made me do it." I don't want to go there.

 

Again, this is the WS perspective.

 

Totally different from the BS perspective.

 

I truly do see both sides and can respect both sides.

 

 

BS - whether BW or BH, most usually assign responsibility to both. Name calling that you have indicated is simply a more female thing to do IMO. Women call names, men consider violence

 

There are an awful lot of men calling women names on this forum as well. And I really don't see much violence against OM..not nearly as much as the name-calling.

 

I think it is good that you are starting to see more clearly. My WH also took complete blame upon himself for his/our situation. It wasn't until much later than he could see how she had managed to insinuate herself and involve herself with him and yes, even groom him, for a relationship that he realized her part.

 

I have spent many months trying to piece the affair together..to see it for what it truly was. I stop short every time when I start to question whether the OM was truly in it only for sex and was deliberately grooming me for that. I can't even admit to myself that that may have been his intention.

 

Why? Because it hurts too much. The thought that I may have truly cared about a man who was only interested in my body and his own pleasure. The thought that I could have thrown away my entire marriage and lost my husband because I was too willing and too stupid to stop another man from trying to use me for sex.

 

I will never know for sure if this was the case. I want to believe he was as emotionally caught up as I was. I want to believe he was falling for me, too.

 

But if he was a wolf in sheep's clothing, just after sex, then I would have something to truly be angry at him about.

 

But I will never know for sure. I wanted to call him on it at the end of the affair, but he dropped off the face of the earth...made a silent exit. I will never know for sure what the silence meant. It still haunts me a little but I don't let it get to me anymore. I shove it out of my mind rather than dwell on it.

 

The OM carried on about continuing our relationship outside the workplace, told me how much I meant to him and how he didn't want to lose me...but the second I told him my husband had suspicions, he went silent. At the time I didn't understand why. It hurt. But it doesn't hurt anymore.

 

When two people are doing something destructive, it is the responsibility of both people, not just one. That is the piece that many OP do not want to see.

 

I agree with you here. And I often wonder if the OM in my case ever felt one bit of guilt, shame or loss of integrity like I did.

 

I do not believe he has forgiven himself, therefore at times, he believes I have not forgiven him, either. If our marriage does fail at some point in the future, I believe it will be that issue that causes the failure. Not my inability to forgive him, but his to forgive himself.

 

This has been, and continues to be, our greatest obstacle in recovery as well, and my greatest fear.

[taylor]

When it comes to people, she's a very naive and trusting person. She is also a very direct and up front person...and was with OM, once things got to that point.

 

I am like your wife, Owl, a very naive and trusting person. This whole experience has made me wiser and more cautious of people and their motives.

 

Believe it or not, I have been approached by two men since the affair..basically coming on to me..showing interest. One at the gym. One in a class I'm taking. Both divorced, around same age as the OM.

 

Sent shivers up my spine. Not the good ones. The bad ones. The first time, I almost threw up. It triggered that much emotion from the past.

 

I was direct with both men..perhaps even a little over the top in my response to them. They were testing the waters by dipping their toe. I pretty much shoved their faces down under and drown them. Knee-jerk reaction.

 

 

 

But would your HUSBAND, who knows you...have seen it? I'm betting so...

 

My husband had suspicions the second the OM started making advances. He said he knew something was up in Sept. 07, which coincided with the same month the OM started pursuing.

 

I asked how he could tell. He said I started dressing nicer, taking longer in the bathroom to get ready for work, had a bounce in my step, a brighter, happier look on my face. He also noticed I would zone out during family time...off in my own little world with my own little thoughts.

 

But he did not pick up on anything before that time. He asked when the attraction started. I told him about 2 weeks after I met the OM..in March 07. He was shocked.

 

 

 

 

Therefore he was equally to blame. He knew you were married, he groomed you, and eventually he became involved in an inappropriate with a married woman.....He knew you were married, and he wanted you, and he pursued you...he was wrong.

 

This is true but it only tells half the story and makes it sound like it was all his idea and his fault which truly was not the case. I had to tell this over and over to my husband. I still don't think he believes me.

 

Let me ask you this: As objective viewers at my place of employment, who do you think my coworkers saw as the biggest culprit? Whose actions do you think they were most disgusted by? Whose actions do you think inflamed their senses more? Whose actions do you think they were most outraged by?

 

My one coworker friend...the one who said the OM was grooming me for a sexual encounter, also said, "I don't think he ever looked at you as being married. He never considered it."

 

So, Owl, whose fault is that? Who's fault is it that this OM never really saw "MARRIED" written across my forehead?

 

 

Wrong...all you have to do is not enforce the boundary that you should have enforced. Men (and women) are OFTEN 'trying boundaries' with others...and it's when they don't get the ward off signs that they will CONTINUE to pursue. But they typically have to try something first to test a boundary....Your OM was wrong for testing it.

 

But what if there were no "ward off sign" to be seen in the first place.

 

You know, I never talked about my marriage or husband at work. I always wore my wedding ring.

 

But I worked late hours...alot of overtime...and worked at crazy times. When the boss would say, "Go home. Your husband must be wondering where you are" I would often respond, "That's OK. No one's home."

 

I'm starting to wonder if the OM picked up on comments like this and read into them. He saw these "signs" and not necessarily others, ie., the ring on my finger.

 

pYou were wrong for not enforcing a boundary.

 

Yes, completely wrong. I had an obligation here and failed. The OM had no obligation..to me or my husband. That was my responsibility, not his.

 

 

 

 

You're totally right, she should have. I can't justify her acceptance of the situation, nor do I believe that she was completely a lamb being innocently led into the slaughter. Not at all...but regardless of whether or not she was a lamb...it doesn't mean that the OM wasn't a wolf who was hunting.

 

I think you want to believe your wife was a lamb. And maybe she was. Only she really knows and you have far better insight into your wife than anyone here does.

 

But how do you KNOW she wasn't perhaps a little bit of a wolfette who was also out hunting?

 

You said your wife was gaming on a pre-dominantly all-male game site and she was doing it even when you weren't around.

 

Did she really love that game that much?

 

There are plenty of things a woman can do with her time besides play games with strange men on the internet.

 

I know you are full well into recovery, Owl, and many of these questions in your mind have been long-ago resolved to where you are at peace with them.

 

It isn't my intention to open any wounds here or to enrage your senses...just curious if you ever gave these questions any thought and how you put them to rest.

[taylor]

Taylor, if you had completely lost integrity, you wouldn't own your crap. You do. King David, a man after God's own heart, wanted another's man wife so badly, he put that man on the front line of battle knowing he would be killed. He was and David took Bathsheba to be his wife. A good friend and advisor pointed David's act out to him in the form of a story(parable 2 Samuel Chapter 12)David was sorry and repented. He still had to suffer consequences for his actions, but God was lenient because he recognized and repented. God continued to love him and support him. He even allowed Jesus to come through David's ancestral line. God loves you, now it is time you love you.

 

I have said on here before, we can say something is wrong, but we don't have the right or the power to attach any type of punishment for it. That is God's job. And sweetheart, you are trying to do God's job. You don't have the right to punish yourself for something that you repented and turned away from. You can't be just with yourself because you are human. And no matter how hard we try, we aren't fair to each others and very seldom to ourselves. We attach everything we have ever thought, felt and done wrong to a specific incident in life. Then it grows and takes over a life of it's own. While we are trying to manage the guilt feelings, we miss the blessings standing in front of.

 

You have got to let go and let God do what is best for you, not what you think is right for you. You aren't being fair, to you or your H. Go to your H ask for his forgiveness again and then accept it, never looking back.

 

Never been real good at letting go...especially emotions.

 

And never been that good at surrending to God's will, but I keep trying.

 

Every time I get tired of trying to control things in my life, I remember the line from a song, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." Helps me to let go a bit and trust in Him.

 

To tell you the truth, bnb, I have had a difficult time even praying to God since the affair. Too ashamed I guess. Don't feel worthy enough to ask Him for anything.

 

I know that's wrong thinking.

 

I know I need to right myself with Him as well.

 

Thank you for the spiritual lift and the encouragement.