Long since I've needed to visit

[pureinheart]

ya know MourningMM, I think I understand you. When my A started I fell head over heels and wanted more. Then, I fell into a sort of this is all I need and want. It worked for quite some time. Then after all was settled, my D, my loan mod, my job, etc., I felt the need for more. As we grow, we renegotiate our needs and that is what you're doing right now. Just be careful though, but you know that.

 

This is an excellent explanation. ExDM used to say this and a couple of my ex's..."well you knew how I was when you met me"...I'm like----ok, but now I don't like what's going on. You know, like I'm not allowed to change my mind.

[mourningMM]

I just posted on a thread called Chemistry? which made me realize that I haven't come clean.

 

I decided that I could handle the friendship; I lied to myself. So now, although I know I could have made other choices, I chose to be selfish for a while.

 

So far I've kept a level head, but I'm allowing myself to enjoy his attention. I need to be honest though.

 

Situation has shifted, and I'll be out of touch with him for a few weeks. It feels like this is an opportunity to release.

 

I wonder if I will choose to do that, or to hold on. I'm certain that the connection will always be there; but this is like picking a scab!

[ComputerJock]

Any thoughts on what you are doing to his marriage, taking him away from his wife and family and luring him into a physical affair, or you just don't give a damn on how much damage and pain you are doing to others. Brown Eyed Girl, Wheelwright, and November-Rain all had affairs that ended in pain and surfing. You are on the same train to wrecking his marriage. Maybe you can contact his wife and you both can share him.

[ComputerJock]

You've choosen to be selfish, destructive to a marriage, and uncareing what damage you are causing others.

[jj33]

No, nothing can grow from this.

 

He is the one with so much damage that he can't give his heart to just one woman.

 

The only thing that I might (and I realize that this is a huge might) learn is how to completely let go of love. I'm not sure it would be worth the trouble though.

 

 

But seriously, I recognize that what I am contemplating has incredible potential for damage to him as well as myself. He won't grow a healthy relationship with his new wife; that would be sad.

 

These are serious considerations, and while there is light and playful froth on the surface, there are very deep currents here. I need to untangle them, and I won't allow others to judge me more harshly than I judge myself.

 

I may wind up there, but right now, I believe that I see the situation clearly. I don't see the future...other than to know that no real relationship is based in a lie and deception. Fun may be based here; joy in the moment...but no real honest and lasting growth.

 

Mourning have you read your own words? You want more, you know you cant get it from him. You know that a friendship will hurt you and probably him. So...

 

No matter what anyone says, noone gives up an A until they are ready to give it up. You have to be ready. You have to decide that no matter how you feel about him, you have had enough.

 

I hope you reach that point soon. You seem to be teetering on the edge of a huge breakthrough.

 

Note: I dont know how to do multiple quotes but those are pieces of one of your recent posts.

[mourningMM]

I am. I know I deserve more; I know that the chemistry is undeniable.

 

I also know that men and women in happy marriages cannot be "lured"...and that an A is the result of choices by both people in the A.

 

I also know that as people mature and heal, the limits that exist in an A are untenable for further growth...

 

I've got a wonderful opportunity for the next 5 weeks...no way to see him. The perfect chance for NC and contemplation and assessment. He agrees. We both realize that this is not heading in a healthy direction.

 

But I'm not certain that "healthy" is abandoning a friend/ex lover/soulmate without a lifeline.

 

But I think that is what I need to do for my own sanity and his own safety.

 

Quite frankly; she's not on my radar. I loved him before he met her and their marriage is, as I said in the beginning of this thread, the decision of an idiot! Read back to the beginning...

 

But I need to be grounded and know that I am in a whole relationship; and I can't have that with a MM.

 

But my heart does go out to him still...

[jj33]

Letting a married lover fend for himself is not abandoning a friend. It self preservation in many cases

 

Would he abandon you if he needed to because of his marriage or family? in a heartbeat.

 

Affairs often end up being very one sided where the AP pledges eternal love and devotion and the MP pledges to do what they can given their "situation".

 

At the risk of sounding cold, noone is going to look after you but you. You need to start putting you first.

 

He is not your project. You love him. I am sure he knows that but only he can fix him.

[Mombot]

Why is it that people on this forum think OW have no self esteem?

[sadintexas]

Why is it that people on this forum think OW have no self esteem?

 

Good question and if you post it as a new thread, I bet you'll get a lot of different answers. If we answer here, we're very likely to derail this thread and take away from the OP.

[sadintexas]

That is why I come to LoveShack; you are all the mirrors of my reality. Call me on my bullsh*t and self-delusion.

 

 

Alright, you said it. I'm calling you on your bullsh*t and self-delusion. Except I don't think you were delusional at all. I think you knew damn good and well that it would eventually take this turn. Maybe you were hoping we would try to stop you because you didn't have the willpower to stop yourself?

 

I had to edit my post because there were so many points I wanted to address but it really comes down to "WTF are you thinking?" This isn't your first rodeo so I don't feel withholding the 2x4 is in your best interest. If someone wants to slam me for that, fine. I don't really care.

 

You've said you've grown from your first A. In what way exactly?

 

You've been here before with another MM. You chose to go here again with this one. Why? I mean seriously, why? Is it maybe because you feel somewhat vindicated that after he went to someone else, he needed to come back to you? Is it because the idea of playing with something out of your reach appeals to you? Is it because there is drama surrounding these types of R's that makes you feel alive? If this is the type of relationship you want to be in, then that's your choice...but don't come here saying how you're torn and being careful and all that because you KNOW BETTER.

 

In reference to dating, you're not likely to feel chemistry or be open to someone else while you're playing with this guy. So you can go on all the dates you want to, and it won't likely happen...and you'll use it as further justification to see this MM...because you don't have the same chemistry with anyone else. Well, you're not going to until you let go of this guy for good. So that's just self-defeating behavior and magical thinking.

 

This guy cheated on you and you said it initially ended because he lied to you. He ended up marrying this other person. So it wasn't okay that he lied to you, and the connection wasn't so great then that you weren't willing to walk away from him due to his deceit. NOW that he's with someone else's, it's okay not only for him to lie to HER, but for you to aide him in that? I really do believe it is a matter of wanting something you can't have, because when you could have had him, you let him go.

Edited July 5, 2010 by sadintexas

[CrayonAngel]

MMM,

I just read up on you and all I can say is wow. You have been through a **** storm. I'm sorry for that.

 

But, Seriously? why do you even want to go there again?

I think more than anything it has to do with the fact that your XH left for OW and this guy decided on his "OW" you are getting back at the ones who have hurt you..but in a self-destructive way. You seem very smart. Are you in IC?

[mourningMM]

I think that SadInTexas and HockeyFan have fair points; a little strongly stated but fair.

 

Although I honestly can say that I didn't *know* it would wind up as "just another affair".

 

I guess there may be some "nanny nanny boo boo" since he did make a choice against me in the past.

 

EA or PA an affair is an affair; and it is selfish for me to ignore the wife here..but quite frankly, as I said before she is not my focus. I didn't reach out to him, he returned to me. I didn't lead him on, but I didn't slam the door in his face.

 

I'm owning it, but I'm also ambivalent about what I want and need and desire.

 

I should probably restart IC, you are very right there CrayonAngel. But I'm going to give myself a little space to see if I can ruminate on this on my own. I talk to you guys, and to friends.

 

I don't expect myself to be perfect all of the time, but I do expect to make good choices in the end.

 

Problem is I love the guy. Loved him when we were dating, and thought that we'd be good for each other. I was really disappointed that he decided to marry someone else. I've got a really bad case of the 'woulda-coulda-shouldas".

 

I really felt closure when we talked through his decision; I understood. My problem is that I still feel very attached to him.

 

5 weeks of no contact will do us both good; provide space for clarity. He's got his own sh*t to deal with; I've got the kids to focus on. Maybe I'll be lucky and he won't try to continue in the fall, and I won't have to make a decision!

 

No harm, no foul with anything that anyone has said. I do need to say that the reason I would go there again, is that in a good many ways he and I are well matched; and I haven't been able to stop loving him. Even during the two years between when we stopped dating and he married until last summer.

 

I need to think more about the self-destruction; that definitely bears some meditation.

 

Thanks all...I will update you when the time is right!