how do these things happen?

[finallywise]

Hello,

 

I had a bewildering dating experience several months ago that nags at the back of my mind. Perhaps feedback here will be helpful. I wonder if my story has ever happened to anyone else.

 

I understand it takes a lot of time to get to know someone, but I've learned enough from past relationships that I know what to look for in someone, and I also think first impressions can be accurate.

 

I met this gal on-line and using the "guided communication" of the website I belong to I learned some important things about her that piqued my interest. We spoke once on the phone which went well enough and agreed to meet in person.

 

Omigosh! We had so many shared interests, the conversation flowed almost effortlessly, she gave good non-verbal cues, and she was a doll. I hadn't felt such chemistry in over 20 years! I really wanted to get to know her. It felt like I was finally getting things *right*, after so many one-amd-out dates and my last major relationship a few years ago that didn't work out. The date ended well and she was agreeable when I suggested we get together again.

 

I never got another date. Three weeks later she still hadn't really gotten back with me although I called her a couple of times. I thought she was blowing me off, I ran out of patience, and did something very foolish.

 

Obviously, I'm giving the short version here. I don't blame her for her reaction no matter what is her real story, but I can't tell if she was the shallow social climber I accused her of being, or a worthwhile person with whom I screwed up badly. I don't know if we had all the potential I wanted us to have, but we *certainly* should have gotten to know each other, and I think we should have at least ended up friends. How could something like this happen?

 

Thanks for reading, and any feedback is welcome.

 

finallywise

[boogieboy]

You put too much stake into it too early. You should not have gotten so attached after one date. There was no potential when she didnt think there was.

 

Since she didnt contact you for a second date, you had no chance, so it didnt matter what you said to her afterwards. Its just a shame that people dont tell you what you did wrong.

 

But for future dates, you shouldnt get so attached so early, and you shouldnt retaliate verbally when she doesnt take your calls for a second date. Thats just bad form and you realized that. There also isnt any reason to be friends with her afterwards, thats just being needy. Just move on.

[iwanttolive]

She maybe someone with a good social skill who can click with anyone anytime. That's why you felt the strong chemistry. If she's looks great, she's probably used to having a lot of attention from guys. She maybe looking for that special guy who would take time to get to know her first before falling head over heel over her.

[finallywise]

You put too much stake into it too early.

 

Yep. However, I've been around the block enough times to say this was not just another gal... I think it very possibly will be a few years before I meet another who makes such a strong first impression. Yes, she was as attractive a gal as I'd expect to take an interest in me (if she was taller she'd be out of my league), but there was so much more for us to go on. My great interest was completely understandable, but I got overanxious.

 

>Since she didnt contact you for a second date, you had no chance,

 

She did finally get back to me the day after I sent an astonishingly foolish e-mail. She said she was going to call and was "pretty sure" she told me she was going to be busy for a while (not true). Plus she was distracted with work and she'd had her identity stolen.

 

I've never seen anyone interested in me act so oblivious. I have met gals who blew me off who acted a lot like her.

 

>you shouldnt retaliate verbally when she doesnt take your calls for a second date. Thats just bad form and you realized that.

 

I did realize that. I learned there's little sense getting angry at other people's shortcomings - especially if you could be misinterpreting. The problem is she pushed my "crazy buttons". I'm oversensitive to shallow women. My last ex said all the right things but was very materialistic. In the on-line "communication process" this gal asked me about my attitude toward work, if I'm ambitious, what I want to accomplish with the rest of my life... and perked up on our one date when I mentioned my sister's husband is a hospital CEO. Yeah, she thought she might know him, but not everyone in her position knows lots of hospital CEOs.

 

Here's the rub. I worked with a counselor for a few years and did a lot of emotional health healing. It changed my life and got me past some depression. (Family history: I'm convinced my father was also depressed, and blamed a lot of it on unhappiness with his job.) I've also read a small library of popular psychology and neural science books. One author says emotionally healthy people do not put a lot of stock in externals like social status and material things. I thought it was ironic that she would seem to be looking for a CEO-type because she was a psychologist. But I told her that - in gory detail. I challenged her on her own turf.

 

> There also isnt any reason to be friends with her afterwards, thats just being needy. Just move on.

 

Yes, I'm all right, and pounding the pavement to meet other gals. But how criminal that I didn't get to know this gal. It nags, and I thought I'd use this forum for some therapy.

 

finallywise

[torranceshipman]

What exactly did you do that was so regrettable?

 

Maybe she did really like you and then you sent that email, or whatever, and she backed off....it'd be easier to comment if I knew what the thing that you did was!

 

Btw, I didn't get the relevance of the hospital CEO relative thing. A hospital CEO isn't particularly lofty in social terms, as far as I know, so why should that girl asking about it be an issue?

[finallywise]

>What exactly did you do that was so regrettable?

 

I did say. I thought she was blowing me off. She was a psychologist, and I psycho-analyzed her at length telling her she was a social climber. Since I am an engineer, I understand why she called me a know-it-all. Note, I would not have done that if she hadn't pushed my crazy buttons by asking three times about my ambitiousness, etc. I would have gently asked her in an e-mail why I hadn't heard from her.

 

>Maybe she did really like you and then you sent that email, or whatever, and she backed off...

 

Very possible. But why didn't she tell me I might not hear from her for a few weeks - she knew she was going to be busy. It's very important to send a clear message when you first meet someone. Is it a big surprise I thought she was blowing me off?

 

>A hospital CEO isn't particularly lofty in social terms, as far as I know, so why should that girl asking about it be an issue?

 

Interesting point. I guess it depends on the hospital. Maybe calling her a social climber overstates my concern, but a person who is looking for someone even in a small company's upper management is overly concerned about externals, which gets back to what pushed my crazy buttons.

 

I think it was terrible luck. She was just an inattentive person, and I was still a little too high-strung. Yet I wonder - why would a psychologist ask about my ambitiousness? She's supposed to know better. Is she trying to see if I live a purpose-driven life? *That* is very emotionally healthy. I've totally got it covered, and I even talked about it in our limited interaction when I talked about my volunteerism. Potentially, a psychologist would comment favorably about that. She nodded approvingly, but was really only passive when I brought those things up.

 

Even the most emotionally healthy people make terrible mistakes. And two people who may have had real potential may never get to know each other for totally stupid reasons. C'est la vie.

 

finallywise