fooled once Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 The only people who NEED to know anything are the father, mother and child. Sid "just wants to know" -- she has no NEED to know. And yes, if SHE continues to want to know, she will ruin her shaky marriage because the 'potential sperm donor' already said HE doesn't want to know. So just because Sid is married to him doesn't mean SHE gets to decide what is best for everyone. In your world, is no responsibility attached to the mother who either got pregnant by my H and passed the child off as her H's or alternatively decided to have sex with my H just after getting pregnant to someone else; thus putting the paternity of her unborn baby up for question? So it is the MOTHER'S daughter that YOUR husband didn't wear a condom? And so now you have decided she passed the child off as her husband's? Lots of assuming going on here. And many times, many women don't KNOW they are pregnant until they are 7-12 weeks along. Just because YOU knew early doesn't mean she does. Sounds like you really have some unresolved issues and instead of pointing at your husband, you are deciding you get to be the judicial system for the woman and the little boy; who stand the MOST to lose by finding out that your husband potentially fathered a child.
PhoenixRise Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 The only people who NEED to know anything are the father, mother and child. Sid "just wants to know" -- she has no NEED to know. And yes, if SHE continues to want to know, she will ruin her shaky marriage because the 'potential sperm donor' already said HE doesn't want to know. So just because Sid is married to him doesn't mean SHE gets to decide what is best for everyone. Sounds like you really have some unresolved issues and instead of pointing at your husband, you are deciding you get to be the judicial system for the woman and the little boy; who stand the MOST to lose by finding out that your husband potentially fathered a child. I disagree. Sid and her H are building a life together. If Sid's H has another child out there and it is revealed at some future date then that would absolutely impact her life. Sid did not create this situation but now that she knows and is engaged, she deserves to have all the facts. Sid's H probaly just wants to forget this affair ever happened so of course he WANTS to believe the child is not his. If this impacts negatively on Sid's marriage then that would be the fault of Sid's H for putting her in this position in the first place, not Sid's fault for wanting to know the truth. No, Sid does not get to decide what is best for everyone else but she DOES get to decide what is best for herself. If this is going to remain a question in her mind her husband should respect that and do what is necessary to remove those doubts. AND if the OW remarries and this child is exposed to a stepfather would that destroy his life or diminish the role played by the man who raised him for the first 6 years of his life? This is a young boy who will need a strong male influence as he grows up. If Sid's H is the father, Sid's H should be that influence. I have half siblings. My mother never resented the children. In fact, some of them even spent summers with us at our home. It is not a given that Sid would resent or hate the child. It is very likely she would not have even considered pushing for a DNA test if she were not prepared to accept the child if it turned out to be her H's.
Lucky_One Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Sid and her H are trying to rebuild their marriage. IMHO, if Sid doesn't leave the obsession of the OW out of the marriage, then she isn't going to have a marriage to rebuild. There isn't any shred of reason to believe right now that this child is anyone's but the deceased H of the OW. Sid has already taken it upon herself to contact everyone associated with the OW, and to meet with the OW; what more does she want? Wanting to know paternity for loving or kind reasons is one thing. Sid wants to know for obsessive reasons - not to help raise and nurture a child who may or may not be her H's. Her H does NOT want her to pursue this. Continuing on this path is just going to drive him farther and farther away - which is the last thing that she wants.
PhoenixRise Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 The fact that Sid's H was having sex with the OW around the time of the conception is a good reason to think the child might be his. I think in Sid's op she mentioned being willing to support the child and also the fact that her children would have the right to know their sibling. AND If Sid's H is too timid to wade through the mess HE made while Sid works through this then he is not worth the trouble she is going to in her efforts to recover the marriage. Just because he wants to evade his possible responsibility to this child doesn't mean he should be encouraged or allowed to. Having said that.... I agree that too much focus on the OW will kill a marital recovery.
Author SidLyon Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Hmm lost of discussion going on - amazing the number of assumptions that are being made about me and what would happen if the test goes ahead or doesn't. As I already said several posts ago we are holding off on the decision about it. I don't mind answering relevant questions at all but there's not much point me answering things that are irrelevant; such as whether I know how twins are conceived. Nor is there much point me denying the other false accusations people have made. I'm reasonably aware of the rights, both legal and moral of all parties involved. The fact is there is, or rather has been, a mess here in the lives of me, my family, the OW and her family. Most of us are already losers and there may be no winners out of this mess. I simply don't accept that I have sole or even a major responsibility for this mess. In fact I think most of the mess can be traced back to the A my H had with the OW. It may surprise some of you, but me and my H are doing really well in rebuilding our M. The OW is out of our lives and we'd both like it to stay that way. A negative paternity test while an unpleasant glitch for us will help ensure she stays away. We are prepared for a positive test too and my H will do the right thing by the boy if he's the father - that may include staying out of his life if that's what his mother wants. It will be the OW's responsibility to explain to the child and the rest of her family why the test is being done. S
jasminetea Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Well not only are you not answering the questions that maybe not relevant, but you're avoiding the questions and assertions that are without doubt, relevant. Your behaviour is obsessive and selfish and I'm sure that not one person will change your mind about this test being done. I hope you are able to feel at least some compassion for the child once you have your answer and if your husband is his biological father, I hope you or someone who really cares for him, ensures the child is mentally cared for in what will be a very confusing and troubled time for him when you get your way. One last thing - this behaviour you're exhibiting will with no doubt at all, put any recovery of your marriage on a back burner.
Adunaphel Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Are you sure you are not unconsciously trying to get revenge on the OW by messing up her life in the moment she is most fragile (having her H recently died) by getting her child to resent her, setting up against her anyone who knew her H, cutting off her contacts with her deceased H's family and messing up her child's life? (who happens to be the innocent part)
Author SidLyon Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Well not only are you not answering the questions that maybe not relevant, but you're avoiding the questions and assertions that are without doubt, relevant. Your behaviour is obsessive and selfish and I'm sure that not one person will change your mind about this test being done. I hope you are able to feel at least some compassion for the child once you have your answer and if your husband is his biological father, I hope you or someone who really cares for him, ensures the child is mentally cared for in what will be a very confusing and troubled time for him when you get your way. One last thing - this behaviour you're exhibiting will with no doubt at all, put any recovery of your marriage on a back burner. I'm quite willing to answer relevant questions - not sure which ones I've missed. As for your other assertions - such as obsessive selfish etc I'm not really sure what to say as it seems a denial is not acceptable to you. S
Author SidLyon Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Are you sure you are not unconsciously trying to get revenge on the OW by messing up her life in the moment she is most fragile (having her H recently died) by getting her child to resent her, setting up against her anyone who knew her H, cutting off her contacts with her deceased H's family and messing up her child's life? (who happens to be the innocent part) Definitely I'm not unconsciously trying to get revenge. I am showing much more care and consideration of her and her family than she ever showed to me and mine. If her children or deceased husband's family either resent her or decide to sever all contact with her that will be their decision based on her behaviour I expect. Presumably if she wanted their respect she would have behaved accordingly. S
Lucky_One Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Are you sure you are not unconsciously trying to get revenge on the OW by messing up her life in the moment she is most fragile (having her H recently died) by getting her child to resent her, setting up against her anyone who knew her H, cutting off her contacts with her deceased H's family and messing up her child's life? (who happens to be the innocent part) She's already done that, by informing her deceased H's parents about the EMA, as well as the OW's other child. Sid, your H made a mistake, and you have forgiven him for it (or have you?). The OW made a mistake. Are you going to hound her into the grave for it to make her pay?
fooled once Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 The only one who will be hurt by all this is an innocent child who was conceived via sex --- obviously unprotected sex. You don't know what was in her mind nor should you be trying to assert yourself into this. Your husband told you (via your post) that he was against this. Yet, you still want to know. You are now deciding that your children "deserve" to know if they have a sibling. Continue to focus your energy on this woman and you will destroy the marriage you are trying so hard to rebuild. And remember, the OW had no obligation to you -- your husband did.
Adunaphel Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Definitely I'm not unconsciously trying to get revenge. I am showing much more care and consideration of her and her family than she ever showed to me and mine. If her children or deceased husband's family either resent her or decide to sever all contact with her that will be their decision based on her behaviour I expect. Presumably if she wanted their respect she would have behaved accordingly. S Honestly, you currently sound like someone who would, in the name of revenge, kick in the belly someone who is lying wounded on the ground.
Reggie Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 What makes you think you can insist on a test? What leverage do you have? Seems like none.
Reggie Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I read the entire post after my earlier response. One of the other posters picked up on this right away, but no one addressed it. Seems everyone is debating whether this is right or wrong and not considering the fact that these folks, Sid and her H, have squat in terms of insisting on any testing. This lady, if she has half a brain will tell you to piss up a rope and you will have to accept it.
Author SidLyon Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 I read the entire post after my earlier response. One of the other posters picked up on this right away, but no one addressed it. Seems everyone is debating whether this is right or wrong and not considering the fact that these folks, Sid and her H, have squat in terms of insisting on any testing. This lady, if she has half a brain will tell you to piss up a rope and you will have to accept it. It is possible to go to the Family Court and if the Court is satisfied there are reasonable grounds for thinking a man might be the father of a child then the court will order a test. As I said in a previous post this would be as a last resort only. S
Author SidLyon Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 The only one who will be hurt by all this is an innocent child who was conceived via sex --- obviously unprotected sex. You don't know what was in her mind nor should you be trying to assert yourself into this. Your husband told you (via your post) that he was against this. Yet, you still want to know. You are now deciding that your children "deserve" to know if they have a sibling. Continue to focus your energy on this woman and you will destroy the marriage you are trying so hard to rebuild. And remember, the OW had no obligation to you -- your husband did. You are making false assumptions and have come to completely erroneous conclusions about me. I can assure you that her innocent child is not the only one that will be and has been, hurt by her actions. As for my family there are 2 Innocent children who have been hurt by the A as well. I would never have done to them what has been done to her children. My H however does have responsibilities to both me and our children and acknowledges the extreme hurt he has caused us all. S
Author SidLyon Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 She's already done that, by informing her deceased H's parents about the EMA, as well as the OW's other child. Sid, your H made a mistake, and you have forgiven him for it (or have you?). The OW made a mistake. Are you going to hound her into the grave for it to make her pay? Answer: I am in the process of forgiving my H - I expect to get there soon. It was much more than just a mistake. After D-day I felt like it was me that would go to the grave - I was just unable to do anything for weeks (not work or study or eat or care for myself or family). I wanted to die. The only genuine reason she could have for being in contact with my H is if she wants a paternity test. My contact to her parents-in-law was after she ignored requests from my H not to contact him again. My contact with her older son was more recently; the day after she again tried to contact my H asking him to meet with her without telling me. When she contacts my H (without a genuine reason) after being asked not to, then she knows that I consider that as her giving me permission to interact with her family. My interaction with her family has actually been minimal compared to her interference with mine. I don't consider this to be hounding her and certainly not to her grave. Frankly she is threatening the stability of me and my family. Honestly, you currently sound like someone who would, in the name of revenge, kick in the belly someone who is lying wounded on the ground. Honestly I never hit or kick anyone. Basically this woman's H died unexpectedly and she saw it as an opportunity to break up my family. If she was lying wounded on the ground she was kicking out herself with devastating effect. S
MindoverMatter Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Basically this woman's H died unexpectedly and she saw it as an opportunity to break up my family. If she was lying wounded on the ground she was kicking out herself with devastating effect. How? Maybe I am missing something here, but the affair started long before her husband died, right? In what way did she use her husband's death? I can assure you that her innocent child is not the only one that will be and has been, hurt by her actions. As for my family there are 2 Innocent children who have been hurt by the A as well. I would never have done to them what has been done to her children. My H however does have responsibilities to both me and our children and acknowledges the extreme hurt he has caused us all. Understood. But making a kid, who has just lost his father, doubt his entire family situation and his identity, that's a new kind of hurt - a hurt you would be introducing into the whole spiel.
Author SidLyon Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 How? Maybe I am missing something here, but the affair started long before her husband died, right? In what way did she use her husband's death? Understood. But making a kid, who has just lost his father, doubt his entire family situation and his identity, that's a new kind of hurt - a hurt you would be introducing into the whole spiel. She dumped my H about 2 years before her H died. Then just before he died she arranged a lunch with my H on Valentine's day last year. Her H died a few weeks later and within a week of his funeral she was trying to get back with my H, but not just as an OW - this time she wanted him to leave me. They then resumed frequent meetings until I found out about it a few months later. Yes I guess he would be hurt to find out that the person he had been led to believe was his father wasn't or might not be, in fact his father. You and others seem of the view that this is the messenger's fault (you seem to mean me although you may as well blame the person that does the DNA test in my view - it's just as ridiculous) rather than the responsibility of those that conceived and (maybe) deceived him. I should stress though that others have pointed out that at this stage nobody really knows for sure who the father is. S
norajane Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I should stress though that others have pointed out that at this stage nobody really knows for sure who the father is. It would appear that she knows. You just don't believe her. If she really wanted your husband, don't you think she'd tell him if that child was his? What better way to bring him to her? If she was ready for him to leave you after her husband died, and your husband chose to start spending all that time with her again, telling him that they had a child would bind him to her that much more.
jj33 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Sid its pretty clear that you want this test because you want the peace of mind that this little boy is NOT a part of your family. You want to be able to put that possibility out of your mind. Its just window dressing to say that your children have a right to know if he is a part of your family. That is rubbish. You have absolutely NO right to intrude on this little boys life because of your own insecurities due to your Hs cheating. He has to make it up to you. He has to make do whatever it takes to make you secure that the A is over. Your problem (understandably) is that not only did he have the A, but he reignited it with her yet again shortly before her H died. Its not surprising that you would feel this way but you need to back off. As Reggie said she would have every right to tell you to go pound sound. Her little boys DNI is none of your business. And as NoraJane said, if she thought your H was the father, you can be sure shed have let him know. Your H created a bad situation for you. Now you both have to deal with the consequences of his misdeeds.
whimsical_memory Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I'm not quite sure whether this belongs on this or the Infidelity Board. I have posted my story before. In brief my H commenced an A with a married woman in mid-February 2002. In mid-October 2002 she gave birth to a son who was brought up as her H's child. My H tells me that a few days before they first had sex she told him she'd just found out she was pregnant. The A more or less ended a few years later but they continued to have sporadic contact until about a year ago when her H died unexpectedly. My H was completely thrown by this as it completely changed the dynamics of the A. I found out about it nearly 8 months ago and as a result he "chose" me and went NC with her. NC was initially broken by me when a few weeks ago I finally had the strength to visit her and return some gifts she had given him over the years. Whether this was right or wrong, it felt right for me to get closure. After that she phoned my H in an attempt to get him to meet with her behind my back. He told her "no" and told me about it. I had already let her parents-in-law know of the A and after she contacted my H I let her older son know of the A (he is legally an adult). Anyway my dilemma is that in the back of my mind is the thought that her son may be my H's son. I would like there to be a paternity test to determine for sure but my H is against this as it's clear to me that he is convinced that the boy is not his. He makes the valid point that NC will need to be broken to arrange testing although there's no necessity for them all to meet as the appointments can be arranged separately but he will need to contact her to get her agreement. There would be financial implications to us, but that wouldn't be a major problem to us. In fact I already know the OW gets a very generous superannuation payment form her H's employer which would quite possibly exceed any child support my H would have to pay so I can see why it's in her interest to maintain that he is her dead H's son. What do you all think about whether this paternity test should go ahead? If so, what is the best way to convince her of its desirability? We could just leave it. I feel my own children have a right to know if they have a brother and I don't really want this issue to come back and bite us in a few years. S Okay, granted I have not read all the rest of the posts and maybe they explain more of the situation. If your H has told you that before they slept together she told him she was pregnant, why would it ever cross your mind that your H is the father? I'm not entirely smart with math, but even I can add up to the fact that an affair in February will not result in a baby in October (unless the baby was a preemie?) Now, like I said..I haven't read all the posts so I probably am missing something, but just based on stuff that you said in this initial posting it is not your H's child and for you to try to demand that the OW comply with your wishes is just begging for drama. If I were her, I'm afraid I'd tell you to kiss my tush.
NoIDidn't Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 If Sid wants to know about the paternity of this child who was concieved around the time of her H affair she should find out. I think if it is important to Sid then her H should persue it until there are no more open questions. Yes the child was raised by someone else for 6-7 years but he still has another 10-11 years to go before he is a legal adult. If Sid's H is the father, he could play an extremely valuable role in his life. What if Sid's H is the father and the OW knows this and is lying? OW could show up the H's doorstep in another 6 years with an angry, out of control, teenage boy in tow claiming she needs help with THEIR son. If Sid can live with the uncertainty of not knowing for sure and that is her choice....fine. If there is always going to be a question in her mind regarding this issue. She and her H need to take the necessary measures to find out the truth. I agree. I think that this woman is lying to Sid's H about him not being the child so that if he leaves to be with her, she would then drop the truth on him. Where are all of you guys here telling her that she doesn't have the right to know going to be in 6 years when the woman shows up via court order for child support and demanding the test that Syd wanted before she invested six more years in her marriage? It sounds to me like she needs to insist that her H get the test done legally. He has that right if he thinks that the child could possibly be his. And as far as damage to the child, his mother already made sure of that by screwing around on her H without a condom. That's where the damage will come from. Not from Syd trying to protect her own family. I know its not a popular view. I haven't said that a BW can force this issue. But she has every right to want to know and to go through whatever legal channels available to her and her H. My only question is what does she plan on doing with the information should the boy turn out to be her H's? From the sound of it, a divorce might be in the works. (PS - A DNA Bank? Someone's been reading too many conspiracy theories. So, do they test restaurant trash and create DNA profiles of thier customers? smh)
Art_Critic Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 (PS - A DNA Bank? Someone's been reading too many conspiracy theories. So, do they test restaurant trash and create DNA profiles of thier customers? smh) You don't think that a person's DNA is cataloged and put in a system for later retrieval ? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_DNA_database Read carefully.. and between the lines... yes the government controlled ones are offenders.. but not all the private ones mentioned here.. and in other counties other than the US the laws regarding privacy can be slightly different.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_fingerprinting Sorry.. they do exist.. some may never be used for DNA matching but the DNA test data will exist and you never know what laws will be in existance 20 years from now when the child gets older.. Like I said before.. if he were my child I wouldn't allow a DNA test unless ordered by the court and the biggest reason why is to protect his own private property.. his DNA... JMO.. conspiracy or not.
NoIDidn't Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 You don't think that a person's DNA is cataloged and put in a system for later retrieval ? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_DNA_database Read carefully.. and between the lines... yes the government controlled ones are offenders.. but not all the private ones mentioned here.. and in other counties other than the US the laws regarding privacy can be slightly different.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_fingerprinting Sorry.. they do exist.. some may never be used for DNA matching but the DNA test data will exist and you never know what laws will be in existance 20 years from now when the child gets older.. Like I said before.. if he were my child I wouldn't allow a DNA test unless ordered by the court and the biggest reason why is to protect his own private property.. his DNA... JMO.. conspiracy or not. I didn't read the links yet, but I don't think that this child has to worry about this unless he is planning a life of crime. Wikipedia is hardly a reliable source. Not to mention, with the private tests, you don't have to put the actual person's name on it. Is it dishonest to put a false name? Yes. Illegal for this purpose? Not that I know of. She would still need to get a court ordered test for any legal purposes. If the child did turn out to be her H's, he would still need a court ordered test for anything legal to happen like visitation or child support. I think the risks outweigh the benefits. A DNA bank is the least of Syd's worries. She is concerned about her family and marriage. It is very possible that a private test can reveal that he is her H's son, and she can take measures to protect her family and their assets should this woman come around again with the truth and demanding back childsupport. (She might not get it if she put her late H on the birth certificate, though). Looks to me like Syd is looking for a reason to divorce her H, to be honest.
Recommended Posts