omegaboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Ok, so I'll try to keep this short. I've been together with my girlfriend for almost a year, and we've gotten along really well so far. The past few weeks, though, have been kind of weird. She's been fairly distant from me, and while we normally have sex regularly, we haven't at all for the past two weeks. We've hung out plenty still, only with her family or other friends around - it seems like she's avoiding alone time with me. She occasionally still talks to her ex-boyfriend every now and then. I know about that and am "okay" with it (it bothers me, but I don't want to be a jerk and tell her to not talk to him). I'm not typically insecure, but I am kind of about him. She last hooked up with him less than a week before we started dating (she broke up with him six months before that; they'd dated for like six months and hooked up randomly afterward). Before me, he was her longest relationship. This is kind of awkward, too, but she's mentioned a couple times that he had a huge penis. Anyway, sometime in the last week I happened to look at her phone (I wasn't creeping - she got a text and was busy and asked me to read it to her) and saw that she had been texting her ex, and the texts were kind of flirty. They'd sent each other pictures of themselves - not nude or anything, though. I talked to her about all this (not the texts specifically). I didn't make any accusations, just told her how I felt, and it went ok. She said she's been tired the past couple weeks, and stressed out because her family's out of town, so she hasn't been in the mood for sex. She said that it doesn't have anything to do with me, and that she doesn't want to have sex with anyone else (I didn't bring up having sex with anyone else - she mentioned it first). As far as talking to her ex-boyfriend, she said that she would stop talking to her if I really wanted her to, but that since she only "occasionally" talks to him anyway she's going to keep talking to him otherwise (I don't want to tell her to stop talking to him because I feel like that'd be ridiculous on my part). She said that they only talk about mundane things anyway, and let me look at her texts - she'd deleted all the ones I'd seen earlier, including the flirty ones, leaving only "normal" conversation. So anyway, I don't really feel like anything's resolved. She tried to be reassuring, and was reasonably understanding, but she's still going to talk to her ex, and since I didn't make any accusations (I have nothing to base anything on), I didn't learn anything new. Anyway, here's my question: am I reading too much into this? I love her very much, and am usually not jealous or paranoid! Is this my imagination? Or is something going on? Thanks in advance!
motive2002 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I have a really hard time with ambiguity. I have to have answers. It's a work in progress for me. If this was going on with my girlfriend I'd probably drive her away with the third degree. You on the other hand seems to be level headed about things. So since you are not a wreck like I would be normally, I would say give her the benefit of the doubt and really trust her until something does go wrong. I know a lot of us don't like to be 'played for a fool', but in these matters it's probably better not to snoop, spy or ask a bunch of questions. Just let it go for a while and see what happens. If you've been together any length of time, there's a lot invested on both sides. Maybe she has a wandering eye or maybe she doesn't. Show her that you trust her and perhaps that will make her want to behave more trustworthy. Whatever you do, don't discuss any of it. Don't ask questions and don't give her the third degree. Just be cool for a while. I wish I could have followed my own advice at some points in my life
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 The no sex and the distance thing is usually a red flag. I think she is lying to you about everything. She may show you the mundane texts, but she is erasing the steamy ones. If shes sending pictures to him, thats the worst. I think youre on the road to a "lets take a break for a while" and the next day shes at her ex's house. I was in this situation, and the next time it happens to me, Im beating her to the punch. I think she got bored of you, and shes confused. I think she wants to get back with her ex, but she knows it will go nowhere. You could break up with her now, or pull back a whole lot and see if she notices. But prepare for her to not notice also. I dont think there is a win in this situation.
TaraMaiden Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I'm afraid I'm with boogieboy on this. I'd leave if I were you. Don't ask her to leave. She's already left.
Island Girl Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 The no sex and the distance thing is usually a red flag. I think she is lying to you about everything. She may show you the mundane texts, but she is erasing the steamy ones. If shes sending pictures to him, thats the worst. I think youre on the road to a "lets take a break for a while" and the next day shes at her ex's house. I was in this situation, and the next time it happens to me, Im beating her to the punch. I think she got bored of you, and shes confused. I think she wants to get back with her ex, but she knows it will go nowhere. You could break up with her now, or pull back a whole lot and see if she notices. But prepare for her to not notice also. I dont think there is a win in this situation. Listen to boogieboy. He has got it dialed in like he has the step by step guidebook. And as TaraMaiden said -- she has already left the relationship so you should just end it and move on.
Author omegaboy Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 Thanks for the input so far! So you guys definitely think she's cheating or something? I love this girl a lot, I don't want to necessarily just throw the relationship away without trying to fix / get to the bottom of things. I mean I don't really have much to go on - just the texts, and I kind of "snooped" to see those (I didn't read them thoroughly, as I didn't want to totally invade her privacy, but it seemed to be part of a longer conversation. The one part was her trying to convince him to send her a picture of him, and she said something like "i bet i'll still think you're attractive" and then "you look handsome" once he did.) Anyway, thanks for your advice!
scaredtofallagain Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I have a really hard time with ambiguity. I have to have answers. It's a work in progress for me. --- Same here, same here. I can not stand not knowing what is going on in my boyfriends head ( heck, in anyone's head for that matter.) and would probably scare the poor guy away if this was happening to me. Trust is key. I agree that you should just let things progress. If it starts to get worse then maybe it'll be time to dig a little deeper.
Left in a Lurch Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Trust is a big one and she just proved that you cannot trust her. Based on that, how could you ever trust that she was serious that she would stop contact with him if you asked? She'd just stop being honest with you about contacting him. She deleted the texts because she knows they were inappropriate so she lied. Not only did she lie about it, but she staged and planned a bigger lie by erasing certain texts and then played you for a fool by showing you the 'chosen' texts, pretending she was being open and honest. I don't want to be a downer, but if this had happened to me my belief 100% would be that she is feeling guilty and not wanting sex because she slept with the guy. I'd bet money on it. If it were me, I don't think there is any question that I would call her on it and ask her if she was being completely honest about the texts. When she lied again (and she would) by not admitting she deleted the flirty ones, I would tell her that I saw them and now she has lied twice. If you are ok with her sleeping with her ex and cutting you off while you take her out and pay for things and invest time and emotions on her, then I would let it go, but I'd say you probably deserve better. When was the last time she told you she thought you looked handsome?
Island Girl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 When was the last time she told you she thought you looked handsome? GREAT POINT Chat Room Hero! Seriously.
britchick Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I don't think it sounds like anything much has happened but she seems to have this bloke on her mind. I think, if I were you, I'd admit to reading/seeing the texts and say how hurt you feel, try to have an honest discussion about it, calmly. Tell her why you read them. If you pretend you haven't seen them, it will be on your mind all the time and that will effect your relationship. It may be that she's attracted to him and that it was just a bit of a diversion. Bring her up short with how it's making you feel and ask her not to do it. If she carries on with her contact with him, you have your answer. Good luck, I hope it works out well for you, whatever you decide to do. xxxxxxx
alphamale Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 She said she's been tired the past couple weeks, and stressed out because her family's out of town, so she hasn't been in the mood for sex. She said that it doesn't have anything to do with me, and that she doesn't want to have sex with anyone else (I didn't bring up having sex with anyone else - she mentioned it first). she's lying to you brother...
nittanylion Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 she is being evasive, and lying to you. I think you should confront her and ask her why she deny the most important part of the texts? I believe she is cheating on you with the ex. I am not surpised if she slept with her ex. If I were you, I will discuss with her about the whole situation. If you think she is not being honest with you, I think you will know the answer that almost certainly she will choose her ex over you. This will give you an indication that her heart wants to be with her ex, and not you. In this worst case, you should move ON and never look back. I hope everything works out for you.
Author omegaboy Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Thanks for all the replies! a few weeks passed and things have gotten better between us. We started having sex again, and as far as I know, she hasn't been texting her ex (she got a new phone). On Saturday, though, I happened to look at her phone again, and she'd texted him to tell him she dreamed about him last night and some other stuff. I didn't say anything about it, and later that day, he texted her while she was with me. She told me that he texted her, (complaining to her that there's "nothing to do" around here), and she admitted that it was him to me. She told me that it was the first time she'd talked to him since the last time we talked about it (obviously a lie, but I didn't call her out then), and she told me that she'd text him to say that they shouldn't talk anymore. I said okay, he said okay when he got that text (I saw his text that said okay). A little later, though, I looked at it again, and she'd deleted the text that she sent him. I don't know what it said exactly. Should I let this go? Or call her out? Things have definitely improved between us, but this is very suspicious.
Thaddeus Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Dude, you're being played for a fool. While I don't doubt that she has feelings for you, she's clearly got feelings for her ex still and is going out of her way to lie about it. She's a liar and a manipulator. The only question is, how long are you going to put up with this?
Bleeve Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 seriously, she is deleting texts so basically she has no problem lying to you....dump her for that alone
Stark Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Thanks for all the replies! a few weeks passed and things have gotten better between us. We started having sex again, and as far as I know, she hasn't been texting her ex (she got a new phone). On Saturday, though, I happened to look at her phone again, and she'd texted him to tell him she dreamed about him last night and some other stuff. I didn't say anything about it, and later that day, he texted her while she was with me. She told me that he texted her, (complaining to her that there's "nothing to do" around here), and she admitted that it was him to me. She told me that it was the first time she'd talked to him since the last time we talked about it (obviously a lie, but I didn't call her out then), and she told me that she'd text him to say that they shouldn't talk anymore. I said okay, he said okay when he got that text (I saw his text that said okay). A little later, though, I looked at it again, and she'd deleted the text that she sent him. I don't know what it said exactly. Should I let this go? Or call her out? Things have definitely improved between us, but this is very suspicious. It's not a case of wether things have improved with you or not, that's irrelevant, she lied to you then, is lying to you now, and for the sake of not causing any drama you are not questioning things. Trust is something thats earned by actions, thats why it's called trust and not blind faith, and her actions are not very trustworthy. I mean seriously, you have a RIGHT to go off the handle when she's sending texts begging for his picture, calling him attractive, you have a RIGHT to go off the handle when she mentions she has a big penis and that she dreams of him, especially when she's relaying that information back to him. Flip it on the other side of the coin. Would your gf find it okay if you were asking for pics for an ex and said she had massive tits and a great body and you were sending her texts of saying you dreamed of her? How would she feel? Why would there be any need to do this anyway if she's in a relationship? It seems you are avoiding conflict with her in hopes that everything gets better and you don't want to seem like a bad BF. While I understand this, a lot of people who do cheat/lie etc backfire it and instead of discussing it, blame it on you but you begin to realize that it's just their way of sidestepping the issue and putting the blame on you when the root of the problem is still the fact that she lied/may have cheated. Even if things stayed better, the root problems might not go away. Heck, she may even get bored of this guy, then everything with you guys becomes better (but there may be others in future....and you're not questioning now.....) but it won't change the fact that she lied to you about it and maybe more, and once a liar/cheater when the other person didn't man up and demand answers...... My advice; question her about it and state you know she's lying and tell her why, or leave her and give her the reasons why you are leaving her. It is not wise to stay in a relationship like this despite how much you like her.
Recommended Posts