V.Vixen Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I consider myself attractive (meanining above average, but not super model or anything). I consider myself of average intelligence. (I am not a genius, but can carry on a good conversation and think that I have a lot to offer in that department) I consider myself open minded. I consider myself to be a geniune person, nothing fake about my personality. I consider myself to be funny, and a good time. My downfall is: I am shy. My main source of dates is online dating. I have met so many men from online dating, some were great, many are now my friends. NOthing EVER pans out. Either I lose interest, or they do, or they pretend to be something other than what they truly are. I am really struggling with this. I get looks from men in public all the time. I smile, that's all I can really do. I guess i need more charisma that makes me approachable? I also think maybe I just need to know how to talk to men without clamming up.. When I do the online thing, I feel comfortable once I meet them because the ice is already broken. I feel like a ball of anxiety when a guy tries to talk to me that I don't know! Do you have any tips to help me attract more men that I don't already know (I have the physical attraction thing down, but can't seem to get past that). I think this goes beyond just men. I want to make new friends too, but have such a hard time breaking the ice with strangers! I am in a new town as of June 1st. Is is a town full of young people, with a decent night life. I need help!!
motive2002 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Maybe stay with the online thing and try social networking. Meeting complete strangers does bear a lot of risks. Not being a woman, I can't say I'm in touch with how careful women need to be with respect to guys they don't know. I guess there's freaks and weirdos in both genders. I guess that's why online dating seems a little safer. You can get to know a little about the person before you meet up. Social networking may be even better, because that person you have your eye on is a friend of a friend of someone. I dunno, I like a little mystery myself, but sometimes you can't be too careful. If you want to appear more approachable without coming on strong, most of what you can do is simply make eye contact and smile. If the guy is worth his salt, and doesn't have issues he will approach at some point. Most guys think they make the first move if they talk to you, but it's really a woman that makes the first move with eye contact or a smile. Some hint to let him know you're interested in talking. Does that make sense?
Author V.Vixen Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 I am in a new town now, so the whole social networking thing sounds great, but since i know no one here, it makes it really hard. I guess I just want to know why it seem so much easier for some people to have all these dates when they don't even do online dating?
alphamale Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I am in a new town now, so the whole social networking thing sounds great, but since i know no one here, it makes it really hard. try meetup.com
motive2002 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 The grass always appears to be greener. I had a lot more dates compared with my old friend. He used to give me hell for it and wonder what was wrong with him that he couldn't get more dates himself. BUT.. that doesn't mean I was happier in the long run for it. More dates doesn't necessarily mean a better outcome. You sound like you've had a lot of online dates, that counts too right? Online or in person, chances are you'll be kissing frogs for a while until that prince comes. By the way, what's the new town? hehe I know a single guy.............
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Its not easier for some people, they do alot more footwork in person. They do the approaching to each other, they got past their anxieties of approaching people. What town has a decent night life in Jersey? let me know so I can go there. Im in jersey and I need a new spot. Anyway, attracting new strangers wont do you any good unless you can get over your anxiety. If you clam up and its hard for you to talk to new guys, they might think youre not interested. If you think you can converse better once the ice is broken, then you are probably just psyching yourself out with strangers. You might have to practice talking to strangers more. Approach some guys yourself. I think if you start approaching guys, then when they come up to you, you wont have the anxiety anymore, because doing the approaching is harder, y'kno? Besides some eye contact, you will not be able to make more guys come up to you with no effort, because not all the guys in the spot are that brave. You might be so cute that guys are intimidated. Are you there with people? Are you smiling most of the time? Do you make eye contact and smile with the guys you want to approach you? Do you smile and make good eye contact when these guys approach you?
Author V.Vixen Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 I live in Morristown, NJ. It's a fun little town. The thought of approaching a guy myself and striking up a conversation makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it! It's a whole other topic, but I only go out here when my friends from my hometown come down. I won't go to the bar alone. I guess I will keep trying to figure this out and pushing my comfort zone.
Kamille Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 There is no way around it. You are going to have to start initiating if you want to make friends. And I think making friends should be your priority over dating (although dating is also encouraged of course). Besides, in my experience, by making friends you'll also end up meeting a lot of guys. And, the bonus, you can practice your approachability on "friends" so that you become more confident when it comes to talking to men you don't know. And I empathize. I've moved around a lot in the last ten years and it is hard meeting new people. It takes time, dedication and courage. So how do you make friends? First, you get out there. Meetup is great as well as any volunteering or social hobbies you might have. I go to Spanish groups. Once there, you will meet people. Now the trick is this: once you find someone you feel comfortable with, ask them out (as friends): say, hey, how about going out for coffee/drinks/lunch after this? Also, if you exchange phone numbers with a potential friend, as the new girl in town it is up to you to call them. The logic is simple: they likely already have groups and routines, whereas you don't. So don't wait for people to call you... You have to call them. I made the mistake the first time I moved of "hoping" people would call me. I felt that since I was new, it was up to them to call me. Boy was I wrong. When I was finally fed up, I started making calls and within a month I had a full circle of friends.
Kamille Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I live in Morristown, NJ. It's a fun little town. The thought of approaching a guy myself and striking up a conversation makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it! It's a whole other topic, but I only go out here when my friends from my hometown come down. I won't go to the bar alone. I guess I will keep trying to figure this out and pushing my comfort zone. In small cities or towns, my trick is this: I find a café that I like and I go work or read there on a regular basis. You'll find out a lot about the stuff going on in the town and will run into regulars who will eventually chat you up. And the barristas usually end up being my friends.
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 We'll think of it this way. Practice makes perfect. But I can understand if you dont want to approach guys, most women dont want to work up that kind of bravery until their in their late 30's and at that point they dont care what happens. But heres what you might want to consider....do you want to wait until youre a cougar to start being aggressive to get what you want? You have two things going for you that will help you get a guy faster.... 1.) If you go to the bar alone and sit with a drink talking to no one, guys will notice, and it makes it easier for them. More guys will approach you. First question will be "are you here with anyone?" Its difficult to approach a woman when shes with her friends. 2.) Your shyness will make you more attractive to talk to if you do start approaching guys, because you will be alot nicer than the aggressive women that approach guys. Know what I mean?
motive2002 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I thought I was a wimp when it came to approaching, but apparently there are bigger wimps than me lol. If a lady gave me a broad smile and some eye contact.. maybe more than once, I would definitely look at it as a good sign and approach. It may be a cheesy line, but it would follow with "I saw you smiling at me...." and go from there. There are ways women can make it a little more obvious without initiating contact or opening with a line. They can still let the guy do all the work.
alphamale Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 The thought of approaching a guy myself and striking up a conversation makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it! well now you know how we feel when we have to do it. even though i have a lot of experience there are still butterflies to this day (unless i've had more than 3 drinks)
motive2002 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 . 1.) If you go to the bar alone and sit with a drink talking to no one, guys will notice, and it makes it easier for them. More guys will approach you. First question will be "are you here with anyone?" Its difficult to approach a woman when shes with her friends. I wanted to bold that. Even if you are out with your friends, go up to the bar by yourself to get another drink at the very least, that way the guy you flashed your peepers at will have an opening to approach. If you're there with your guy friends you can probably just forget about an approach at all.
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Definitly do Kamilles approach first. Nothing worse than getting dates, and if they dont work out, you have nothing after that. Then theres the problem of if you date a guy for a while, you meet his friends, but if it doesnt work out, then it becomes awkward. Gotta make your own friends first.
Author V.Vixen Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 here's my other issue. The few times since I moved here that I DID get the courage to say hi and introduce myself to people in my building, they weren't very receptive. So far people have not been the friendliest, but I am guessing that's just the luck of the draw? I know I make friend s a lot faster when I am visiting my family in FL. I have a whole social network there just from visiting for a few weeks every year. Also, any good suggestions on what exactly to SAY to people? I freeze up, so I could use a few standard icebreaker lines.
motive2002 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 here's my other issue. The few times since I moved here that I DID get the courage to say hi and introduce myself to people in my building, they weren't very receptive. So far people have not been the friendliest, but I am guessing that's just the luck of the draw? I know I make friend s a lot faster when I am visiting my family in FL. I have a whole social network there just from visiting for a few weeks every year. Also, any good suggestions on what exactly to SAY to people? I freeze up, so I could use a few standard icebreaker lines. People love it when you talk about what they're interested in. All you need is a little ammo to break the ice. If a hot guy is in a waiting room holding a Field and Stream magazine in front of him.. well you get the idea. You have to look for little opportunities to break the ice, and if if you can't find any the first time, there's always next time. I like that you can smile though. That's always the best first impression. smile says you're friendly and open to contact with other people. Smile and eye contact. I guess I can't say it enough lol.
Kamille Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 here's my other issue. The few times since I moved here that I DID get the courage to say hi and introduce myself to people in my building, they weren't very receptive. So far people have not been the friendliest, but I am guessing that's just the luck of the draw? I know I make friend s a lot faster when I am visiting my family in FL. I have a whole social network there just from visiting for a few weeks every year. Also, any good suggestions on what exactly to SAY to people? I freeze up, so I could use a few standard icebreaker lines. I just googled the population of the town and realized it is small. In my experience, small towns have a tendency to be clicky. This town is just big enough that people don't necessarily know everybody else in the town (as they would in a village, so you would stand out and people would approach you), but small enough that people tend to hang around with who they know. This might explain why you don't find people to be overly friendly. They figure that if they don't know you, it's because you belong to another group. So, the smaller the town, the harder it is to crack the networks. But the good news is, once you make one friend, you make 20. What to say to people... How about dropping an "I'm new in town?" every chance you get. That usually prompts the kind of chitchat where people will want to know what brought you there, where you are form. Then ask them what they enjoy doing in their town (with the idea that you're exploring the town). The added bonus is that you might run into them at the events or places they recommand.
Author V.Vixen Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 The funny part is that when I am comfortable with the people I am with I am SO outgoing and speak my mind a lot. It's so strange how knowing people changes that. My coworkers/friends never believe me when I say I am shy or have social anxiety.
Author V.Vixen Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 Yeah, small town, but there is a lot of action for such a small place. A lot of people work here or drive here from other towns on the weekends to go out with their friends.
WineCountry Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I consider myself attractive (meanining above average, but not super model or anything). I consider myself of average intelligence. (I am not a genius, but can carry on a good conversation and think that I have a lot to offer in that department) I consider myself open minded. I consider myself to be a geniune person, nothing fake about my personality. I consider myself to be funny, and a good time. My downfall is: I am shy. My main source of dates is online dating. I have met so many men from online dating, some were great, many are now my friends. NOthing EVER pans out. Either I lose interest, or they do, or they pretend to be something other than what they truly are. I am really struggling with this. I get looks from men in public all the time. I smile, that's all I can really do. I guess i need more charisma that makes me approachable? I also think maybe I just need to know how to talk to men without clamming up.. When I do the online thing, I feel comfortable once I meet them because the ice is already broken. I feel like a ball of anxiety when a guy tries to talk to me that I don't know! Do you have any tips to help me attract more men that I don't already know (I have the physical attraction thing down, but can't seem to get past that). I think this goes beyond just men. I want to make new friends too, but have such a hard time breaking the ice with strangers! I am in a new town as of June 1st. Is is a town full of young people, with a decent night life. I need help!! I identify with a lot of the things you said about yourself. And I am shy too. I also have a touch of social anxiety, so im not the best at social events and things like that. I tend to avoid them at times, which does not make it any easier to meet people. You are not alone. This is something I plan on working on...getting out more. Also, if you like certain things, you can join groups that do those things. For instance, i like to hike, so i joined several hiking clubs. Hopefully things like that will at least get me meeting people more. lol
WineCountry Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 The funny part is that when I am comfortable with the people I am with I am SO outgoing and speak my mind a lot. It's so strange how knowing people changes that. My coworkers/friends never believe me when I say I am shy or have social anxiety. Yup..that is me 100% too!
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I had no idea morristown had that action square going on there, Im going to go there tonight to see what this busting green square looks like. As clicky as it might be, I will break though and meet some people, just for giggles. So Vixen, until you make some friends, I re-iterate sitting at the bar with a drink eagle eyeing guys with a smile, just to see what happens. You might be surprised!
Author V.Vixen Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 Luckily my summer is already full of plans with old friends and coworkers, so I am grateful that I have a little time to adjust to living here and I don't have to feel like I am going to have nothing to do. My goal will be to be more involved in the community and socializing locally by the time Fall comes. I am probably going to take a dance class or a class at the community college then, so that should help. I have just always envied the people who socialize so easily.
alphamale Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I have just always envied the people who socialize so easily. just find a high-end restaurant that has a seperate bar area. go there around 10pm on any Fri or Sat nite all dressed to the hilt and sexy. go by yourself and plant yourself at the bar and start drinking away. trust me, you'll meet men. then make yourself a "regular" at a couple of these places over time and the bartenders will help you out also
Author V.Vixen Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 just find a high-end restaurant that has a seperate bar area. go there around 10pm on any Fri or Sat nite all dressed to the hilt and sexy. go by yourself and plant yourself at the bar and start drinking away. trust me, you'll meet men. then make yourself a "regular" at a couple of these places over time and the bartenders will help you out also YOu don't think this makes a woman look a little, uhmmm, slutty?
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