I cannot tell what he is thinking

[Hannah86]

I will try to be as detailed as possible. I want to know if he is still interested in me, or wants nothing to do with me, and how I should act from here on out to make sure we get back together--not now--but in maybe 6 months to a year.

 

I am 22, he is 25.

 

So my boyfriend and I dated for about 7 months. We almost never fought. We went out a lot together and our friends and family liked us a lot together.

 

The only thing is, he wasn't very good in bed. His equipment was a decent size, but he was selfish. It was his only flaw, and I was fine with it since I enjoyed his companionship and everything else about him so much.

 

The final straw was when I came back from a one-week trip and we had sex and he rushed through foreplay and came very quickly, showing absolutely no regard for my needs. I avoided his calls the next day, and two days later when i did finally contact him, I told him I wanted a break.

 

He works 15 hour days (his industry has picked up in the last few months so this is a new problem) and my job essentially requires me to network and socialize all the time. It was starting to get to a point where he was too tired to join me at functions and weekdays were too stressful for me to be around him, but once the weekends rolled around we were great again. Again, no fights, just understanding and a bit of distance.

 

So in our conversation, I tell him I want to go on a break, but I also ask him if he is willing to try harder to satisfy me in bed and work together to be better then I will be fine. He surprises me and says he was mad that I didn't contact him in the last day or two, and that he doesn't want to try to be better. He is also surprised that I am so upset with not being satisfied more in bed. I say I just want a break and date other people for a little while. He said that is too vague, and maybe we should just break up. I told him he was selfish and that "it was a good 7 months. i'll talk to you later." and hung up.

 

I sent him a text that said "you're so selfish" because I was upset. He calls me back and he said it was rude of me, that we should try to end things amicably, and maybe we will get back together later when things aren't so crazy, but the timing right now is bad and we should just deal with it and not be together for now.

 

I think him breaking up with me like this, when I only wanted a break, was a self defense move by him since I pretty much told him he was bad in bed.

 

I sent him one or two quickie friendly emails that week (like "saw this and it reminded me of you!"), which he took a long time to answer. If he wanted to be friends, why would he take so long to respond? It's not because he was busy at work, he deliberately took a while to answer.

 

Then, about a week and a half after we break up, I told him I wanted to hang out with him still, romantically, but not be exclusive because it's clearly not good due to timing and everything. I also apologized for saying he was bad in the sack, and explained that maybe it was because of my stress after coming back from the trip.

 

He responded back that he didn't want to do that, again he is too busy with work and family, although "a part of him wants to work things out." He said he didn't want to spend the little time he had with me. Ouch.

 

I responded back that I agreed, and maybe we can meet up to exchange our stuff. He says he will call.

 

This is where he starts acting strange.

 

We make a time to exchange our things and we both are friendly and say "it will be nice to see you and catch up," etc. but then the day comes, and he doesn't call to say when he is home to exchange. He doesn't even call to apologize. The next day, he sends an email saying we should meet that night and do it, and I didn't answer because I was away from my computer all day, but again he doesn't call to exchange.

 

I see him at a bar the next night, and I go up to him and say hi, and he is kind of nervous, making a point to smile really big and talks really fast about things neither of us are that interested in, then when I walk away, he asks me for my number so we can exchange our stuff. I got kind of mad. I said, "you obviously have my number" and walk away.

 

I called him angry and left a mean voicemail saying that "i'm glad you feel better that I said I wanted you back but your games are a huge turn off. You are ignoring my calls and it's obvious what you are doing. i want my stuff back and I want you to talk to your roommate about getting it back to me since you're out of town, and i don't want to see you."

 

He ignores all of this, and I call his roommate, who got me my stuff back.

 

I haven't contacted him in two weeks.

 

The other night, I drunk dialed him for the first time at 2am and he picked up, despite how busy and tired he is. We have a friendly conversation, kind of funny, he laughed, whatever, and then i texed him the next day, a quick "sorry for waking you up!"

 

again, he doesn't answer. i say, "stop being bitter. you said you wanted to be friends, and now you are just being kind of rude"

 

he answered back, "i am not being bitter. my phone was off all day. my morning was fine, not too tired. how was your morning?"

 

and I said, "you are lucky! my morning was not so great."--implying i had a wild night.

 

 

I realize I am reaching out to him a lot and probably shouldn't be. I do miss him. We had a great relationship while we were together, no fighting or cheating. Does he want to get back together and is playing games, or is he hurt, or what? please help.

 

I am also casually dating other people to keep myself busy and keep him off my mind. These are people he doesn't know, but sometimes they write on my wall. No girls are writing on his wall and he isn't in any pictures with new girls. I am sure he is out having his fun but it is good to know none of the girls are marking their territory on his wall.

[motive2002]

Let him go. I don't know if the "break" had him looking elsewhere, but I read at least 3 or 4 lame excuses he gave you that were bad signs that say he's really not that into you anymore.

I dunno, calling a man bad in the sack is kind of a huge blow to his ego. If he's got some other chick busy stroking his ego (no bad pun intended) then perhaps he's just lost interest altogether.

 

Here's the total bottom line though: Some guys after the honeymoon phase and the butterflies and all that are over can get really selfish when it comes to their sexual needs coming first. If you tried to address it in a healthy mature fashion and he got defensive about it, that's a bad sign all the way around. Do you really want to be shacked up with some guy that doesn't do it for you anymore and isn't willing to make any sort of effort? You'd never be happy with that type of relationship so you're simply better off without the guy anyway.

[boogieboy]

He is selfish in bed, but you cant expect him to want to talk to you after you break it off with him. He probably knows the "break for a while" BS game, and even though you think you might want to try again with him, he probably knows that isnt going to really happen. So leave him alone. Maybe you want to be freinds with him to make the breakup easier on you, but he wants no part of it, and he shouldnt.

[Hannah86]

I want to get back together with him because we were great in all other respects. He also did satisfy me--but not as often as I would have liked him to.

 

I need help figuring out if he is still interested, and is playing games. I was thinking that after NC for two weeks, he picked up my 2am call and responded to my texts and was friendly. I think that shows he is still interested, and NC works.

 

Perhaps I should keep that up?

[boogieboy]

If youre going to continue to call him, Youre not going to get anywhere inless you tell him straight up that you want to try again.

Its also possible hat he either moved on to another girl, or he is secretly hurt and he doesnt want to talk to you. So you really should make your intentions clear.

[Hannah86]

I also want to make it clear the type of guy he was when we were together--dates every weekend, got me flowers three times over the 6 month relationship, always very generous and kind. He was only selfish when the lights went out. He was a great boyfriend otherwise.

[motive2002]

If youre going to continue to call him, Youre not going to get anywhere inless you tell him straight up that you want to try again.

Its also possible hat he either moved on to another girl, or he is secretly hurt and he doesnt want to talk to you. So you really should make your intentions clear.

 

I agree. I had some games with my own ex, but I was clear on what I wanted. I wanted us to try again and all she did was make excuses. So I simply gave up after that point.

[scienceguy]

How'd you tell him that you had problems in bed? Did you just crap on him or did you sit down and tell him that, although things are great, there are some problems in the bedroom you'd like to address.

 

If you crapped on him, then hell, I can see why he wouldn't want to be with you. It's callous and insensitive to behave that way towards somebody, especially about something so intimate. Problems occur in all relationships, and if seven months in, you say rip into him like that, then I can see why he'd be hurt and not want to talk to you. It doesn't look particularly mature or thoughtful on your part.

 

Otherwise, if you were gentle/non-accusatory about it, and he still behaved the way he did, then maybe he's not particularly sensitive towards you, and this is a sign of worse things down the road.

 

Anyways, as to what he is thinking? Only he knows.

[Hannah86]

Okay, I texted him asking if we can talk and he said we can tomorrow. I'm going to not only apologize for being insensitive when we broke up, but also tell him my intentions--i want to get back together later, not now, and explain why I am "stringing him along" and keeping in touch so much while he isn't. Then he can tell me if he feels the same way...

 

Worst case scenario: If he doesn't pick up my call, I'm just going to leave it as is and do NC to get over everything.

[BUENG1]

Okay, I texted him asking if we can talk and he said we can tomorrow. I'm going to not only apologize for being insensitive when we broke up, but also tell him my intentions--i want to get back together later, not now, and explain why I am "stringing him along" and keeping in touch so much while he isn't. Then he can tell me if he feels the same way...

 

Worst case scenario: If he doesn't pick up my call, I'm just going to leave it as is and do NC to get over everything.

 

It looks like he doesn't want to date you while you date others. I don't think thats selfish, I wouldn't agree to that either with someone who I had dated for 7 months previously in an exclusive relationship, regardless of the curcumstances. Seems like he's already answered the question you plan to ask him. I also think what your asking most people won't accept. I think your wasting your time. Do you think he owes it to you to continue to be in a relationship(or date whatever you want to call it) while you date others? It's pretty clear he doesn't want to and it seems like your just trying to convince him otherwise.

[Beeotch]

He blatantly said he wasn't willing to please you and improve..he said he was busy and he ignores you.Doesn't get any clearer.

 

The best way to start moving on is to see WHAT HE ACTUALLY SAYS as well as his actual actions ...and not what you wish/want/think he is saying. He said he wasn't going to be better...believe him and keep it moving girl!

 

You just miss the companionship...but you would have NEVER been really satisfied in this relationship and he had no interest in being better. Also he is doing an excellent job of turning it around on you and making you the culprit...DONT let him do it! Sooner or later it would have ended...don't drag it out anymore.Leave him alone. No reason for you to be reaching out and doing all this for this man who doesn't care....do what you planned to do...date others and go on your merry way.

[Hannah86]

Hey, I just wanted to let everyone know how the conversation went:

 

I asked him if we could talk a couple days ago, and he said we could today.

 

I was expecting to call him around 8, but he actually called ME on his way home from work! I was very surprised but I had my thoughts together.

 

First we started off with small talk and it was good. We caught up on each other and it was nice.

I apologized for a friend that made him and a date uncomfortable the other night and he was very happy to hear that. He said it was "just a friend from school," (but I am sure it was more than that) and I said it didn't matter, he should date others, that's why we broke up, and my friends should be respectful of that. I think saying the girl was just a friend shows he respects my feelings, which I appreciated.

Then, I took boogeyboy's advice and told him my intentions: that I want to get back together with him later, not right now, and that i agreed that now is bad timing and he was happy for me that I had so much going on. I asked him if he felt the same way and he said "Hey, well, we will see." I know it's not a YES, I FEEL THE SAME WAY, but it is a good start, and I'm satisfied with that answer. It wasn't a no. I told him that is why I keep contacting him, to stay friends, and that it was why I was so mad at him when he didn't give me my stuff back. He apologized for "standing me up"

 

I apologized for hurting his feelings, and he said it was alright, and acted like he wasn't hurt. Maybe he wasn't hurt. Whatever.

 

Then, I ended the conversation. I did 90% of the talking, he said he is traveling a lot in the next few weeks as am I. I think this is a good time to go NC until we bump into each other again, which I know will happen in about a month at this mutual friend's large summer party.

 

ANyway, I consider it a success. I hope all of you in breakups will tread lightly, get your feelings straight, and wait at least a month to confront each other and be as honest as you can. I feel at peace now, and I feel I can move on and remain optimistic.

 

I know both of us will change in the next months so even if we don't end up getting back together, I'll change too and hopefully find someone like him...but better in bed

[elly.ono]

It takes two to get back on track of a decent relationship. If you're ready to give it another go and he is as well,then dun let anything or anyone stop you or tell you wot to do. I mean, ignore all those obstacles. If he really wants it that badly as much as you want it,you will see the efforts. Just forget it if he doesn't try as hard as you do.

 

If a guy really wants you (back),he'll make it happen and go the distance to show his feelings. If he's doubtful or plays it slow or hard, then he's either not ready for you or playing a stupid game! Full stop.

[Island Girl]

You made a whole lot of mistakes and immature moves in this relationship.

 

When you are in a relationship - you are IN IT.

That means you don't ask for these silly breaks, etc.

 

If you are going to make a move you better be prepared for the backlash. You made your little "power move" by telling him you wanted a break.

You must have thought he'd be devastated or something - but you were wrong.

 

So he upped the ante and called it all off.

 

You acted like you were okay with that, sent him little friendly e-mails after the initial shock, and then *boom* you send angry psycho messages about getting your stuff and not wanting to see him.

 

Here's the deal sweetie -- and it is the same everywhere all the time - when you are broken up then the times of answering you promptly and getting to know all information about the other person's life STOPS.

He doesn't have to talk to you or respond to you in any time limit. Right now you two are nothing - two people who used to go out and that is it.

 

You had a problem with him being selfish sexually. And by your admission "Only sometimes". ???!!!!

 

Learn to address it as a mature person would. TALK with him about it.

 

You blindsided him by suggesting taking a break. That is break up language.

He has every right to think you may do it again if something isn't perfect or goes your way.

 

My guess, if he is a smart cookie, he'll make sure if he does get back together with you that you take the relationship seriously enough to stick things out not duck and run.

 

You honestly thought you'd "take a break" for a year or so and then get back together like he'd just be up on a shelf with his life on hold waiting for you to come back?!!

 

You DO understand he could meet someone else and not be available at the end of your ridiculous time line right?

[Hannah86]

Beeeotch, I took your advice to just sit back, and pay attention to what he actually does and says.

 

After our conversation/closure, I left town for a trip to visit friends and network for my job. I took a million pictures and posted them on facebook, as did my friends.

 

I have been NC for 10 days (since the closure conversation), and he sent me a note on facebook wishing me a happy birthday yesterday, said he found my CD and earrings and tshirt in his things that i might want back. He also said that it looked like I had fun on my trip, how is everything going, etc.

 

It really shocked me that he would send such a cheerful note asking me how I am doing. If he were just wishing me a happy birthday, he could have sent a one sentencer and left it at that but he wants to keep communicating.

 

I think I need to keep up with NC, I don't want to respond and him not answer. I like having the upper hand. I also know that I will see him in a few weeks at this mutual friend's summer party, and I want to look hot, and I want to have the upper hand when I am there and him to have pined about me not answering his email.

 

Do you think this is the right thing to do? Keep up with NC even though he sent such a sweet note? I want him back (eventually, not now), so I think I am doing the right thing. He needs to miss me, right?

 

I also don't want to read into this too much. The note was seriously 3 paragraphs, trying to catch up. Any guys there have a fresh perspective?

[Hannah86]

So, while I was away on the trip (before the July 1 email), my ex contacted one of my best friends that he knew in college (she was his friend before she was mine, but now she and I are best friends)--or more specifically, DRUNK DIALED her FOUR TIMES asking her "where are your friends?"--clearly asking where I was, since the rest of our clique is locked up. He apologized the next day.

 

He also contacted another one of my friends on instant messenger, asking if he "saw her last night" at the bar, even though she wasn't even out. She was with HER boyfriend. She said no and cut the conversation short.

 

Since he sent me the "happy early birthday" note, it's been 10 days and I didn't answer it. He instant messaged me today (second time with him initiating contact) and we kept the conversation light.

 

Here is the last chunk of conversation:

 

Him: Guess what I saw yesterday

me: what

Him: a group of roller bladers flyin around town

me: yeah i gave up, it's too hilly

ive rollerbladed like three times and my stopper is gone

Him: and then I got this really funny mental picture of you with roller blades on with wrist gaurds, helmet, knee pads and elbow pads.

me: haha just knee pads

no helmet

Him: Anyways... it was pretty funny

me: ill bet you looked closely to see if i was one of them

Him: No it was a bunch of guys in like rollerblading racing suits

me: oh gross

btw i deleted like 100 more facebook people and some of them were your friends tell them im sorry

if they ask

Him: haha like which ones? am I deleted?

me: i think tom and anne and a couple others

you're not deleted, i have to keep tabs on you

Him: ha.

 

So even though my last sentence was flirty, i let him have the last word so I was in essence "closing the conversation." A part of me wishes I hadn't answered to his initation of the conversation "happy belated birthday" but if I want to be friends, I'd be a hypocrite for ignoring him.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that he is still interested in me, even though we might not get back together anytime soon.

 

I am still not going to contact him because I can see his interest is piquing again. Plus, I can't wait to see him at the summer party in ONE WEEK. I look so hot and so tan and it's going to drive him crazy.