I need someone to tell me how ridiculous I am being...

[rainbowluv_obsessed]

[[FYI: I did post this in another forum and no one was replying so I thought maybe this does belong under this section of Jealousy and not self improvement. eh.]]

 

Ok, I know this is going to sound really stupid and confusing but I need this off my chest. And I just want this pounded into my head, and why i am thinking this and me thinking it isn't enough is bc I know eventually I'll just either forget ir or if I do write it in my journal then to me I will lose my strong sense in it and then start doubting it. So I figured if I could just get people to help me, to pound it in my head, to give me strong meaning behind on how ridiculous it really is and to see different points of view then the imprint in me will be stronger.

 

Alright so enough rambling. Here's what I'm talking about....

My SO and I had some problems with his ex girlfriend in the past. CRAZY and very spiteful bitter ex girlfriend at that. And long story short I've been really sensitive towards the whole deal with what she did and the S**** talking and having her friends gain up on me, etc. Fast forward about 6 years later and the S**** talking is still going on. 3 years ago she pulled some stuff on myspace and called my SO at work one day and just hung up on him. Fast forward to now and she's checked my myspace out and tried talking more S**** in her friends comments. (I know she has looked bc I have a tracker on it). Anyways,

 

so before I move on to the next part, here are some facts about me: 1.) I dropped out of HS my sr. year bc I had really bad panic attacks and I couldn't take it anymore. 2.) I lost all my friends then 3.) I fell into a deep depression 4.) I don't work and I'm scared to go to college bc of my social anxiety 5.) I don't drive. On the PLUS side 1.) I've been diagnosed as bi-polar and i see a doctor regularly for it and I'm on some very helpful medication. I still get down every now and then and get less motivated and I still have social anxiety to an extent but all in all i am doing really good. I really want to improve myself. Get over my fears and be the person I want to be. and 2.) I have never felt so loved as supported as I do now. I love who I have in my life now and I don't run from them like I did before when I isolated myself from everyone.

 

*sigh* OK! So now that that is out of the way... my true problem that I need to be told how silly this is is the fact that I am afraid of running into his ex. Yes, even after all these years I am afraid. Not bc I think she'll beat my a** lol, oh god no but I'm afraid of all the judgment and ridicule and criticisms her and her friends would place upon me. Like I said after all these years she is SO QUICK to try and start talking about me. And after my not so successful past I am really sensitive by it. She has a car (a porche, she's 22), she has her own place, she's going to college for nursing classes, she has a job she loves, she has so many friends (though I do love my friends, I'm still just easily jealous bc her and her friends are doing things I want to do but yeah... I don't bc I let other things stop me I guess. Like for one example I don't drive) and she had a baby and is still skinny. I had a baby and I gained weight. And according to her I am just fat and bald. (bc I have really thin hair and of course I am ugly. Blah blah blah.)

 

My husband is great. He's very mature for his age (24), I have no doubts in him cheating on me, I trust him, he truly hates his ex so I'm not worried there, he knows about how I feel towards her and the situation and he tries to make me feel better. he isn't mean towards me about it or anything. He's very understanding. So like I said this is ALL ME!

 

And I think.... ok, if I was happy I wouldn't have this problem. If I was confidant I wouldn't care. But I'm not and I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't compare myself to her but it's hard when I have been hurt by the things shes said before and I know it's all true. Also, what really gets me is is the way I think like this: If I ever do get over my social anxiety enough so I can force myself to take a class (which would make me feel better) I also am afraid of running into her all bc of what she would think of me (things that are true). I want to go to the Gay Lesbian Bi Pride Parade and I know they go there every year and again, I am afraid to go bc I don't want to run into them. (her and her friends). I don't want drama, I want to be done and over this stuff, my voice in my head isn't helping.

 

I have every chance of running into her wherever I go. All of my friends have run into her, now I'm just waiting for my turn. (not that I want it *knock on wood*). Anyways, so yeah, I have a lot going on in my head right now and I'm not sure of what all I should write here so if something doesn't make sense or there are any questions I will be more than willing to answer them and be honest.

 

Thanks in advance to anyone who can give me a good head pounding. I know I really need to get that loose screw out.

[motive2002]

It's tough but you can get past her, and get on with you. Who cares what she looks like, what kind of car she drives, what she thinks etc.

Some people are just hurtful because despite all they have, the still suffer from low self esteem. Looks and possessions do not make people happy and fulfilled. That's a fact. She may be dogging you because she has issues of her own. Those are not your issues and you don't have to feel responsible for them.

So let's look at one of your assets. You have a husband that loves you. It sounds like he likes this ex of his about as much as you do. He's on your side in other words. That's an asset.

Oh and for God's sake don't label yourself. Be NICE to yourself! You are all that you have. A lot of people don't drive a porsche or go to nursing school. Hell a lot of people never have that kind of luck their whole lives. Some people work all day for scraps of rice and live in abject poverty... but we all have INTRINSIC VALUE no matter where we are or what we have.

 

If you are having panic attacks and social anxieties, there is treatment for those sorts of things. My friends used to make fun of me for looking for help from self help books, or therapy.. but YOU GOTTA LOOK AFTER YOURSELF! You HAVE to take care of you as if you're the most important person on the earth. Stop comparing yourself to others. You don't know what kind of life they really have. They could be unhappy and miserable and you'd never know it. Not everyone shows that side to themselves. Is happiness defined by what kind of car you drive or what kind of classes you take? You can be happy with the simplest things in life but you have to allow yourself to be happy.

You said your husband is great? I tell you, if you have a great husband you're miles ahead of most women right there. Be happy for what you have. Live life the way you want to and forget about this stupid chick and what she thinks.

 

I hope that's enough of a pound in the head for ya.

[nd15]

I know exactly how you feel about yourself and this EX-Girlfriend. Let me tell you how. I am a 33yr old mother of 3 children 2boys and 1girl. I have been in a long term relationship with a 40yr old man, that has 8 children with 4 different women. 1 of which is me, we have an 11 yr old daughter together. That leaves 3 ex-girlfriends that will never go away. The first women is a beautiful, educated woman, that works for the federal government, she owns her own home, takes care of 4 children, has multiple cars, very high self esteem and doesn't like me very much. The second Ex is also a very beautiful, multi-talented, artist, that owns her own home, takes care of 3 children alone, one of which just received a 2009 mustang as a graduation present. She is not at all jealous of me in know way. She has had a few words to say about me as well. The last one is much younger than me, she is okay looking but she and I haven't even met, I don't know much about her. I have worked as a cna since 1995, I recently got promoted into administration but I don't make that much more than I did when I was changing grown peoples diapers. At least you don't have to do that for a living. Anyway, that gives you an idea how I look to these women. I am not ugly and neither are you. That's what you must first overcome, you have to love yourself with all your flaws. short hair, no hair, scars, fat, skinny,ect. We all have flaws even the people that we think are the most beautiful have more than one aspect of themselves that they dislike. Those things are what make us the most beautiful. You are a beautiful person. That woman you speak of is rotten inside, so that makes her ugly. That is why the man is with you, because he see's your beauty. She is ugly to him. For her to publicly, purposely try to humiliate anyone, whether on myspace or at the store, is ugly, that is what he and everyother man will see in her. So, look in the mirror, love the one person that looks back at you. That's the first step, it is also the hardest step, you can and will accomplish. That will solve all those ridiculous fears you have about going in public. That is your power. Without it you are weak. It isn't easy, and it takes time, but you can do it. I don't want to run into his ex's either, but not because I'm ashamed of how I look or my life accomplishments, but because I don't want to deal with it. I bet that if you knew more about her you would find out that she is not as happy with herself as she portrays. Most things we see are all illusions. You might see someone on a cruise spending thousands of dollars, but when they go home their lights are off, and they have no food in the refrigerator. Or they are on the verge of forclosure and using the economy as an excuse when they just don't know how to budget their money. They want to appear a certain way. It's not at all how you think. She maybe more depressed than you are, hell for all you know, she could be manic bi-polar. As you might know, those are the ones that go through extreme highs and lows, and as you know when they are high that's when they do the most damage to themselves and others. Just saying, you never know things are not always what they appear to be. It seems to me she's jealous of you, because if she has it going on like that she wouldn't even be worrying about you to start, she would have moved on. She is very jealous of you. I don't waste anymore time, hiding from that beautiful person inside you. You are young, go back to school if you want, don't waste anymore time hiding. you will regret the wasted time, you will never get it back, and in 3 more years you will stop blaming others for you not accomplishing the things you've always wanted and you will start to blame yourself. You will feel depressed, also, the sun gives life without it everything would die. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, EXPERIENCE THIS WORLD WHILE IT IS STILL BEAUTIFUL OR YOU WILL MISS IT.

[rainbowluv_obsessed]

Thank you guys for replying and trying to help me. I've already been telling myself that Hey, I'm 22. I'll be turning 23 in just a few months. I've dealt with this stuff long enough and I don't want to be 23 years old and still be stuck in this frame of mind (and your mind makes your world and I definitely do not(!) want to be stuck in this world.) I'm trying to tell myself that I need to just push through. if there is a place I want to go to then just go. Even if I know that is a hang out spot for them or they shop there or they go to school there or WHATEVER, it's my world, I don't think I should be looking at this like a "it's their territory and I'm not allowed" type situation like I've been doing. I've already jumped ahead and saw myself in the future still obsessing over this and I can already feel the regret and wanting to kick myself in the ass for it.

 

Of course I'm not just cured *like that*. There is ALWAYS something that happens that reminds me of her whether I hear her name, hear about fancy cars, drugs, seing other people from high school, having her in my dreams or even dreaming of her friends, "money", c-sections (bc she had one), my old promise ring that my SO gave me (bc I found out that she had one that looked exactly like mine), even hearing about places where I know she's been or goes to or where she lives and even people who may look like her whether it's bc of the hair or her damn nose. Even my own birthday sometimes bc according to her she and him slept together on my birthday and she told me by Iming my mom online one day and telling her!..... aaaand other stuff like that.

 

So HELLO!! Ok, hi to myself, I need to focous on me. What about the good things about me? Bc as soon as she comes to mind I think of "yeap I'm fat and she is a god damn toothpick, she's so smart and she's going to school to be an anesthesiologist. To do that you have to be so smart and you get paid lots of money! Me? I want to work with animals and I won't be making that much money IF I can even get myself controlled enough where I can go to college and get a job. And I am a loser bc, damn, It's hard enough for me to try and go to school and she's not scared of anything like that! She's still out there doing it and living life. While I'm a scared p**s. We are nothing but low lifes. My hair is so horrable." etc etc etc ECT! These are all things that go through my head. And then I hear that other side of me that says "STFU ALREADY!!!! God, kick yourself in the ass! It's stupid. Get over it!!" and I hear the negatives again and it's a vicouse cycle.

 

There are times where I seriously think all of this is NEVER going to go away. And I just feel like knocking myself really hard on the head so the negative thoughts can just fall out. haha And it's strange bc when it comes to her, even though this all got started bc of us dating, in my eyes, this has NOTHING to do with him! (<- my husband).Just me and how I can't compete.

 

I know I need to change the way I think. I am continueing on working on my medication with my doctor, I have read self help books, I just got done reading The Secret: Law of Attraction (I like to read a lot of books like that), I was seeing a therapist but I stopped bc she was always flying out of town, I try and pick things that I am grateful/thankful for, I keep a journal, and I'm starting to wonder if hopefully there is something out there that gives you exorcises you can do to better yourself. For example: write 3 things every day that you are grateful for, etc. I just reallly need to hear more positive things that can convince me MORE than all of the negativity I have been feeding myself all these past years where I am pretty much utterly convinced that it is all true.

[icepop]

Rainbowluv :

 

Stay the course. You are doing great. We all go through this, I think. Keep up the terrific focus on you !

 

Now, take three deep breaths, close your eyes and let it all go.

[Girlygal]

:)I didnt read:)

 

;)I am doing as you aked instead;)

 

:mad:Your being RIDICULOUS!

 

Now move on!!!

 

Hope that helped!

 

(my attempt to lighten the mood and hopefully add a laugh, this is not to be taken seriously! so please dont attack me for attempting to be funny!)

[rainbowluv_obsessed]

No no no, I thought it was funny lol thank you

[rainbowluv_obsessed]

thank you guys so much for helping me. It really does mean a lot.

[freestyle]

Dear Rainbowluv:

 

First off, you`re not ridiculous, your reactions are human and understandable. You were (are?) the target of a bully, bottom-line, so please don`t beat yourself up over your own feelings.

 

For what it`s worth, find your OWN measuring stick for what constitutes success and worth. Find your OWN moral compass. If you are, at the core of your being, a kind, honest, compassionate person, then it`s something to be proud of, and that knowledge alone may give you the strength to hold your head high,even when others are trying to put you down. They are only trying to assuage their own low self-esteem.

 

A great comeback line for insults like that is, "Does blowing out my candle make yours burn brighter?"

 

That usually shuts`em up.

 

And please try to remember, he chose YOU< not her. And he loves YOU.

All her bullying is nothing more than sour grapes. Remember that you`re the better person.

 

an old proverb:

....the wind blows all around the rock. The rock does not care.

 

Try to be the rock.

 

Good luck to you...........

[kassy]

Ok haven't read all the replies, but I am generally (if you take out new relationships with men haha) about as happy as you can get. I've had a bit of a tough road though, nearly lost my leg and stuff... it was pretty hard. But anyway, my point is that ok so I've had some dark spots, and come out smiling. You need to realise that every moment of every day you get to choose how you want to feel. (Assuming your meds are good =)

 

So don't sweat the small stuff, you have a lovely husband who loves you and a beautiful baby... why not forget about this 'competition' (really... you won already, you got the man... so move on, what more do you want?)

 

Ok so you are feeling pretty crap, you don't seem dumb, so why not prove it to yourself you aren't as it seems a big issue for you. Maybe take a class (or possibly do an online/homeschool course so you can keep your anxiety under control until your confidence builds) and finish high school. Then after that you can look at doing another course in something to do with animals either by correspondance or community college.

 

Why not also consider doing something which moves you one step closer to what you want to do... possibly get a job as a dog walker, or volunteer at the local animal shelter or something. This would provide positive re-inforcement and new people, and also great new things to occupy your mind. You could start with volunteering one morining a week or something, whatever you are comfortable with.

 

But why not start making small but steady steps to make yourself feel better about yourself and getting the life you want. You are 22... that's young... life is not a race, so just take it at your pace but make sure you are living not just existing:)

[True2form]

Oh Rainbow luv, I hate psycho exes, they are just the worst, however, in your case I am so happy for you because....you've won!! You're married to the guy and you sound like you're doing so well.

 

And you say you're ugly, WELL MISSY! First of all, I don't believe you and second of all, it doesn't matter what you look like, I'm a tall skinny brunette and I have never won the battle of the exes and I have a history of men treating me like crud!

 

Looks, do not matter!! This girl sounds insane...and she sounds very bored and obsessive and clearly has nothing better to do. 6 years on and she's still psycho exing? That's just sad. Hahaha you should PM me and I'll direct you to my myspace page where you can read my rant about ex gf's I left on a blog after a couple of them from different relationships used to go on there and bash me about ANYTHING they could find.

 

But on a serious note, hun, you should hold you head up high and if you DO bump into her and she says anything you really really have to just remember....it's been 6 years....and she's STILL being pathetic. She has a child, she should be focusing on something or someone else...if I was still not over my ex from six years ago, I would have commited myself to an asylum by now. I can see after 6 years of a constant nightmare like that it does beat you down but hey, maybe you should be the one to confront her, instead of being the victim, you should calmly and maturely approach her.

 

Tell her that her comments are hurtful but if she'd like to continue for another 6 years they might even become comical. I think she needs to realise that she should get over it.....6 years!!! I'm actualy still in shock from you saying that....

 

6 YEARS!!??