Reconciled but she left again

[artjunky]

Ok, so a year and a half ago my ex left me for another guy. We were together for 6.5 years. I did all the wrong things: begged, cried, bought flowers, etc. Obviously it didn't work. I went NC and stayed there for about 6 months. Then I contacted her with an ultimatum (see previous thread) and she accepted. We've been back together for about a year now.

 

Things have been pretty good. I found myself putting in alot more work than she did which isn't good but hey, it's what I did. Even still, things were good. We were discussing marriage again (we were in the process of getting married when she dumped me the 1st time). So two weeks ago we had planned to go out and look at rings. She was super excited and so was I. The day of she totally backed out. This came out of nowhere to me. The night before she was ecstatic, she was literally running up and down our place overjoyed. Then the next day she said that she was unsure.

 

I tried talking to her and she said that she does not think we are "compatible" any longer. Another shock as things had been fine just a few hours before. SOO with that said I know exactly what I had to do. I went NC. I told her exactly how I felt and left it at that. She packed up all of her things and moved in with her parents. It hurt like crazy. She said that she was confused and things in her mind weren't right (I heard this once before when she left me for that other guy). I was unsure if the same thing was going on this time but I didn't ask her.

 

So she moved out, I was lonely, but I stayed NC. About a week in she sent me a message pouring her heart out saying that she's sorry for being the way she is and she's going to fix her issues so that we can move forward. She also said that she regrets not going to get the ring that day and she should have sat down and talked to me about her emotions instead of just bolting out. That was it. So I tried calling her to discuss it but lo and behold her # was

changed! I was floored! I emailed her back asking why she changed her #. Her response was: "I changed my number because I know you didn't want to talk to me, I figured this would keep me from talking to you". That makes no sense! How can her changing her # stop her from calling ME?!

 

I emailed her back saying that it made no sense and that she should take time to figure out all of her problems and find resolutions to them. I told her that then and only then could we once be what we were. She never responded. This is the reason NC should not be broken! When they don't respond you panic.. lol so like a dummy I wrote her again. I wrote, "well I take it since you never responded

you've moved on". She emailed me back within 15 minutes saying, "No, I love you and miss you like crazy, I was just taking time to figure out my problems and find resolutions to them so that we can be solid again".

 

That response kinda eased my hurt but when I sit back and think about it, I don't wanna fool myself into thinking that things will get better.

 

Now, a couple of truths about my situation:

 

-She now lives 200 miles away with her parents

-I do not have her #

-I have not talked to her in 2 1/2 weeks

-I have no idea what she's up to, who she's talking to

-I have no idea if she's honestly "working on her issues" OR if she's establishing a relationship with someone else and attempting to keep me on the back burner with her sappy emails saying she's going to fix her issues.

 

Any insight from anyone out there on what I should do next? Any ideas on what could be going on? Am I missing something?

 

Thanks

[boogieboy]

Assume that when she keeps out of contact with you she is seeing someone else. She lost all her love for you after the first breakup, but for some reason she went in for the second time. Could have been because she wanted to make it work out, but I dont think she got that love back for the second time, which is why she bailed again.

 

You dont want this one dood, she showed you twice that she cannot commit to you. Thats not the way its supposed to be. When someone wants to figure out their problems, they ask you to help them, they dont do it away from you. Its a lame excuse. You dont want this one, shes lying to you and shes too much of a coward to tell you the truth.

[artjunky]

Assume that when she keeps out of contact with you she is seeing someone else. She lost all her love for you after the first breakup, but for some reason she went in for the second time. Could have been because she wanted to make it work out, but I dont think she got that love back for the second time, which is why she bailed again.

 

You dont want this one dood, she showed you twice that she cannot commit to you. Thats not the way its supposed to be. When someone wants to figure out their problems, they ask you to help them, they dont do it away from you. Its a lame excuse. You dont want this one, shes lying to you and shes too much of a coward to tell you the truth.

 

Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it. You may be 100% right.

[westrock]

She emailed me back within 15 minutes saying, "No, I love you and miss you like crazy, I was just taking time to figure out my problems and find resolutions to them so that we can be solid again".

 

If she did not want to be with you she would not have written the above. People don't write those types of words if they don't mean it.

 

Obviosuly she's struggling with some commitment issues. If you want to work it out with her, NC is not the way to go. If you go NC, you're essentially doing the same as her by excluding each other from solving the issues. At this time you need to show her more compassion not less. Since you don't have her telephone number, write to her and ask to sit down with her to have a heart to heart discussion. If necessary, suggest to her to go see a therapist and offer to go to pre-marital MC.

[CaliGuy]

Any insight from anyone out there on what I should do next? Any ideas on what could be going on? Am I missing something?

 

I'm sorry for your situation, but I am going to give you some advice that may sound harsh.

 

1. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (Glover).

2. You can not "initiate" reconciliation. She has to or it won't work (and even then sometimes it doesn't work).

3. When someone can walk away from you like that after 6.5 years and talk of marriage, they were never 100% sure about you to begin with, so odds are a second chance really doesn't have much chance (Unless SHE initiates it).

 

For whatever reason she lost her attraction to you. You did the NC thing but you really didn't use it to heal or work on improving yourself. See, time away does help them miss you when you go complete NC and may even help to change their feelings but honestly, unless the DUMPER is the one coming back, hat in hand, I always say the odds of things working out a second time are slim.

 

They have to want it as much as you. If you (the dumpee) are initiating everything, they really don't want it.

 

If I were you I would lick my wounds, read the book, improve where I can and look forward to meeting someone new who will not take you for granted. This girl just doesn't want to marry you and as sad as that is, it's better you know so you can move on than be strung along.

 

The old saying goes:

 

"Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable."

[artjunky]

If she did not want to be with you she would not have written the above. People don't write those types of words if they don't mean it.

 

Obviosuly she's struggling with some commitment issues. If you want to work it out with her, NC is not the way to go. If you go NC, you're essentially doing the same as her by excluding each other from solving the issues. At this time you need to show her more compassion not less. Since you don't have her telephone number, write to her and ask to sit down with her to have a heart to heart discussion. If necessary, suggest to her to go see a therapist and offer to go to pre-marital MC.

 

I was thinking along these same lines but I don't know how to initiate any kind of conversation like that. I mean she totally left.. like what else can I do from here? If I email her and ask to sit down and talk I think she'll say it's something she needs to figure out on her own. Thus keeping me on the string. But if I stay NC, she may never get back to me lol.

 

I don't know. I really want her back, I think this stuff can be fixed but idk how to proceed.

[artjunky]

I'm sorry for your situation, but I am going to give you some advice that may sound harsh.

 

1. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (Glover).

2. You can not "initiate" reconciliation. She has to or it won't work (and even then sometimes it doesn't work).

3. When someone can walk away from you like that after 6.5 years and talk of marriage, they were never 100% sure about you to begin with, so odds are a second chance really doesn't have much chance (Unless SHE initiates it).

 

For whatever reason she lost her attraction to you. You did the NC thing but you really didn't use it to heal or work on improving yourself. See, time away does help them miss you when you go complete NC and may even help to change their feelings but honestly, unless the DUMPER is the one coming back, hat in hand, I always say the odds of things working out a second time are slim.

 

They have to want it as much as you. If you (the dumpee) are initiating everything, they really don't want it.

 

If I were you I would lick my wounds, read the book, improve where I can and look forward to meeting someone new who will not take you for granted. This girl just doesn't want to marry you and as sad as that is, it's better you know so you can move on than be strung along.

 

The old saying goes:

 

"Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable."

 

Hey CaliGuy

 

Thanks for your insight. I agree with alot of your points. I just don't wanna give up. Really when I was NC the 1st time I did work on myself.. I was "ok" without her, I accepted it as being what it is.

In this case I'm just not sure what to do.. Like you said I guess there's not much I can do.. Based on your experience, is this a case of her just stringing me along?

[CaliGuy]

Hey CaliGuy

 

Thanks for your insight. I agree with alot of your points. I just don't wanna give up. Really when I was NC the 1st time I did work on myself.. I was "ok" without her, I accepted it as being what it is.

In this case I'm just not sure what to do.. Like you said I guess there's not much I can do.. Based on your experience, is this a case of her just stringing me along?

 

Can you handle her leaving again? If yes, then try again.

 

If not, then avoid her like the plague.

 

That's my best advice in your situation.

[hopesndreams]

If she did not want to be with you she would not have written the above. People don't write those types of words if they don't mean it.

 

People write those kinds of things all the time. It's called stringing someone along.

 

Obviosuly she's struggling with some commitment issues. If you want to work it out with her, NC is not the way to go. If you go NC, you're essentially doing the same as her by excluding each other from solving the issues. At this time you need to show her more compassion not less. Since you don't have her telephone number, write to her and ask to sit down with her to have a heart to heart discussion. If necessary, suggest to her to go see a therapist and offer to go to pre-marital MC.

 

He has shown her plenty of compassion. I do believe she is struggling with a commitment issue as in who she should commit with. She's possibly torn between two men. Pfft, not possibly, I take that back. She is torn between two men, and she has you where she wants you while she waits to see where this other man will lead to.

 

[hopesndreams]

Assume that when she keeps out of contact with you she is seeing someone else. She lost all her love for you after the first breakup, but for some reason she went in for the second time. Could have been because she wanted to make it work out, but I dont think she got that love back for the second time, which is why she bailed again.

 

You dont want this one dood, she showed you twice that she cannot commit to you. Thats not the way its supposed to be. When someone wants to figure out their problems, they ask you to help them, they dont do it away from you. Its a lame excuse. You dont want this one, shes lying to you and shes too much of a coward to tell you the truth.

 

Spot on.

 

You no longer have her phone number, she is living 200 miles away, you haven't spoken with her in 2 1/2 weeks, she's hiding her true feelings, there is no communication and now and again she will throw you a few breadcrumbs and you are back to thinking everything will be Ok, you are deluding yourself into believing that you will get her back and it's preventing you from moving forward with your life. You can live without her..you've done it once before and you can do it again. The only way now for you to get her back is if she were to bang on your door begging for another chance. Without that, there is nothing to work on. You've done all you can, so sit back, give her tons of space and work on forgetting her.

[MrFun]

artjunky, RUN and run as fast as your legs will carry you!!!!

 

Once you're as far away as possible think about why you want to get married. Seems to me, you're the one initiating it everytime. Sounds like she's just going with the flow and ignoring her issues. This is not your problem, it's hers.

 

This one doesn't click properly, find one that does. There's something not right in HER. Do you buy a broken graphic card or faulty transmission, you don't bet on the smallest horses....don't do this to your heart either. RUN

 

I know what I'm talking about, my ex dumped me after 6 years. 4 years into the relationship she cheated on me. I begged her to stay and she did. Eventually I rewarded her by asking her to be the mother of my future children. She was "very, very, very happy" and then one month later she was gone and "afraid of leaving and afraid of staying". I went through the same stuff you're going through.

 

What I know now is that she saved me from making a big mistake. Why am I sacrificing all the women in the world for one that clearly doesn't cut it? Why are you? You will find someone better. Just run!!!!

[BCCA]

I think this will all make a lot more sense when you find out about the other guy. Seriously, she's back-burnering you for someone else, I would almost bet the farm on it. When someone wants to work something out with you, they do it WITH you. When they need time/space away from you to 'figure things out', youre being played like an XBOX.

 

No woman in their right mind would go that long without calling or anything if they were at all concerned with keeping the guy in their life. She's just stringing you along as a backup.

 

If she did not want to be with you she would not have written the above. People don't write those types of words if they don't mean it.

 

Oh they most certainly do. You dont think people lie? Especially given the circumstances? And I bet she can tell herself that no matter what she does, she does 'love' you, just probably not in the way you want.

 

Dude, consider this one over. I think youll hear from her again, probably months down the line when this new fling is over, but it will be pointless. She isnt concerned about whats good for you, so its not going to work.

[artjunky]

Thanks alot for all of the input guys! I'm really listening to every word.

 

Update

So yesterday she shows up at my house. Completely a shock to me. I open the door and invite her in. She gave me a huge hug then a kiss (small quick peck). She sits down and tells me how much she misses me and then started talking about a trip that we're supposed to take to South America for her parents' 30th anniversary in mid July. She was like, "you're still going right??"

I was floored. I'm like wtf.. not only is this someone I'm not with, I don't even have her #!! I just shrugged. I didn't know what to say. Just so happens I was on my way out to go to dinner with some friends. She complemented how I looked and then started questioning if I was going to be with any girls. I just started laughing and jokingly said "no". I was in a rush so she said that she would go. Then she put her body up against me n kissed me very passionately. idk what that was about. Then she left.

Ok, so with all that said, I'm still in the same place. No word on her fixing her issues, no telephone #.. and apparently she still wants me to go on vacation with her family. So I really don't know what to think. Had this been me long time ago I'd be ecstatic but I know that all of this means nothing lol.

Any thoughts?

[Eleventy]

*If I were in your shoes*, I would decline the trip. I wouldn't bother with such things until the relationship at hand gained stability. I also would try hard not to fall for the random visit/kisses/etc.

 

It sounds like she's got some commitment issues and doesn't mind stringing you along for the ride, as she doesn't seem willing to come forward and talk these issues out with a serious resolve. I've seen this kind of attitude towards problemsolving/managing relationships post-breakup in women who aren't fully committed and are trying to keep you around until another option becomes viable.

 

And, again, she's shown twice that she can't commit. Like Cali said, she has to be willing to come forward and discuss these issues seriously with a true intent to mend. Showing up randomly, kissing, asking about girls, and asking about a trip together are not indicators of this. It just sounds like she's double-checking to make sure she's not out of the picture just yet. How convenient that you don't have her number. Basically she can contact you on her terms but not the other way around? Hmmmmm...

 

Focus on yourself.