NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 We both left are spouses and are now in a position to begin our life together. Her x has gone and filled her parents heads full of things about me and as a result her parents mainly her mother, have come down hard on her and judged her for getting the separation on the basis of the grass being greener on the other side and calling her selfish for thinking of her own happiness instead of that of her family( Husband and Child). The family has gone even further and stated that I am not welcome in their home and will never be. They view me as a home wrecker but the home was wrecked so to speak long before I came into the picture. Now the fact that they do not accept me is fine by me but has totally devastated her....she feels that she is having to chose between me and her family. I have remained positive for her and told her that over time they will come around but she had so many hopes for the future of family gatherings outings etc. WE are both not proud of the means that our love came to be and have weighed every pro and con prior to all of this and we have come to the realization that we just may be the exception.... there is always an exception.... WE WILL MAKE IT together we know that but I just dont know what to do about this situation with her parents. Ive thought about having a sit down with them, an email, but think that time is what they need. I feel the need to defend myself to them and let them know that Im not the devil that they think I am. Does anyone have any advice for this? has anyone been down this road?
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 Thanks...for qualifying your response with reasoning
wildsoul Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I have not been down that road, but I think you're right about time being a key. More importantly though is what you DO with that time. The usual benefit of the doubt kind of trust that they might give a new partner of their daughter has been forfeited in your case. You'll have to earn yours. Trust is developed by you repeatedly showing up as safe, kind, and loving. You seem like a nice and intellegent man. Keep being that guy. Hopefully they will open their hearts and minds before too long. PS: You're reminding me that my grandmother left her husband and children in the late 1940's to "run off" with another man. Shocking that she left her kids with their dad to raise them, especially back then. Eventually though, my grandma and my step-grandpa were totally accepted. They stayed together until they died within a couple years of each other in their 80's. As a child, I just thought it was great that I had six grandparents! Hang in there.
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 The usual benefit of the doubt kind of trust that they might give a new partner of their daughter has been forfeited in your case. You'll have to earn yours. Trust is developed by you repeatedly showing up as safe, kind, and loving. You seem like a nice and intellegent man. Keep being that guy. Hopefully they will open their hearts and minds before too long. PS: You're reminding me that my grandmother left her husband and children in the late 1940's to "run off" with another man. Shocking that she left her kids with their dad to raise them, especially back then. Eventually though, my grandma and my step-grandpa were totally accepted. They stayed together until they died within a couple years of each other in their 80's. As a child, I just thought it was great that I had six grandparents! Hang in there. Thank you for your response..... We are not reinventing the wheel here and sometimes people marry to young, too immature, family pressure, basically for the wrong reasons.... some make it work and get by in life wondering "What if".... I found my soulmate with this woman and she found hers....its TOTALLY wrong the way that we came to be but whats the point in living life miserable.... I am a quality and intelligent man and althought our affair was totally emotional until she and I left... we kept our integrety.... people will believe what they want but WE know the truth!!!! We both have children and they love eachother and us together...I know that they will be fine..... this has been a long 5 years but we have come so far and at the end of the day we can both look in the mirror.... Im sure your grandmother went through all this.... I wish I could pick her brain for advice....She was such a strong woman for doing that when it was socially despicable...You only get one kick and this can of Life and I want to live it in LOVE with this woman....
LakesideDream Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 There are lots of bitter people here, (occasionally I'm one) who don't want anything good to happen to affair partners. Ultimately what happens between two people who love each other is VERY important. Children (both sides) cause complications, BS's are complications. Families are often not helpful either (there are exceptions). You have taken a path often traveled, seldom finished. I personally wish you all the luck in the world. There are as many reasons relationships don't work as there are people. Your former relationships failed. Put the knowledge gained to good use and build upon your mistakes. I hope you'all are happy as heck, and I'm jealous.
bentnotbroken Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 We both left are spouses and are now in a position to begin our life together. Her x has gone and filled her parents heads full of things about me and as a result her parents mainly her mother, have come down hard on her and judged her for getting the separation on the basis of the grass being greener on the other side and calling her selfish for thinking of her own happiness instead of that of her family( Husband and Child). The family has gone even further and stated that I am not welcome in their home and will never be. They view me as a home wrecker but the home was wrecked so to speak long before I came into the picture. Now the fact that they do not accept me is fine by me but has totally devastated her....she feels that she is having to chose between me and her family. I have remained positive for her and told her that over time they will come around but she had so many hopes for the future of family gatherings outings etc. WE are both not proud of the means that our love came to be and have weighed every pro and con prior to all of this and we have come to the realization that we just may be the exception.... there is always an exception.... WE WILL MAKE IT together we know that but I just dont know what to do about this situation with her parents. Ive thought about having a sit down with them, an email, but think that time is what they need. I feel the need to defend myself to them and let them know that Im not the devil that they think I am. Does anyone have any advice for this? has anyone been down this road? Apparently neither of you thought anything through. Her ex had every right to say whatever it is he wanted to because the 2 of you were dead wrong. A parent can love a child and not uphold them in their wrong doing or support the union that they view as tainted. They also have every right to not want you as part of their lives. She had to know, that everyone doesn't view either of your actions as something they would be comfortable with. If she were my child I would wonder what kind of ethics I instilled in her and what kind of character the man that she cheated with has. You aren't a marriage wrecker, they did that for themselves. But you are one of the reasons her home and family no longer exist.
fooled once Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I get so sick of the people who start their posts with crap about how there are so many betrayed spouses here who will have nothing but nasty things to say. Hey - I am not and have never been a betrayed spouse and I think what the OP and the married woman did was wrong. You don't start dating a MARRIED person - period. If she was such your soul mate and visa versa, you two would have NOT allowed anything to start before ENDING your marriages. Just because you didn't like your wife or her like her husband does not give either of you license to start screwing someone else. You get a divorce first. OR you work on the marriage. I don't blame her parents for not liking you and they may NEVER like you. Suck it up. They don't have to like you. They obviously wonder what kind of moral's both of you have to do what you did. I am sure they don't want to hear from you. How about instead of thinking your way of dealing with them is the right way - how about backing off and letting some time go by. They may never change their minds. And you really have no idea how the children feel; most kids of divorce don't realize how they feel for quite a while; and throw in it infidelity and a hurt parent (the parent who got cheated on). They may surfacely be nice to you, but don't think for a moment that everything is all hunky dory. Let HER deal with HER parents.
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Ive thought about having a sit down with them, an email, but think that time is what they need. Do not do that. What you have to understand is, her ex is hurting and was a big part of THEIR lives as an inlaw. You can't just swoop in and take over. If they end up talking to you, let it be on THEIR terms, not yours. You have no say in this matter. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh.. Focus on rebuilding a NEW and HEALTHY relationship with your partner, rather than push family to accept you.
tami-chan Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Focus on rebuilding a NEW and HEALTHY relationship with your partner, rather than push family to accept you. I agree. Stay FOCUS on your new relationship-both of you. In time, the family will heal-especially if they see how good you are each other and how committed you both are.
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