JadedHeart Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Hey everyone I'm sort of in a pickle. Lately I've been having this mentality that all guys have ulterior motives with a girl, and all girls just want attention. I had this attractive girl every ask me if she could wear my jacket because it was cold. I said no thanks I'm wearing it. She then persisted but I held my ground, too bad was my retort. I did not even know her, now before everyone starts telling me I'm an ass... Why would I give a damn about a girl that's not going to be my gf? Unless they're my purely platonic friend girls, (no attraction, those going out with my best friends). I'm supposed to give her my jacket and let me freeze my butt off for what? A girl that I'm supposed to get nothing out of? Am I turning into as ass? I certainly don't want to but I've started living by this mentality right here... If I'm not going to get anything from her why would I help her in any way? If she's a platonic friend I treat her like one of the guys. Relationships between men and women are conditional, I don't believe there to be unconditional ones. I'm not looking for empathy basically assurance. Is this a bad mentality to follow? I certainly can't help the way I feel, which is EFF all girls except the one. In no way do I want to come off as a misogynistic male chauvinist. I just want to know if anyone sees anything wrong with this...
disgracian Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I see nothing wrong with not offering your jacket to a complete stranger in and of itself, but your attitude is of some concern. It's inherently self-centered and from the way you've described it, doesn't make you sound like a pleasant person to be around. If I knew you, I would regard any kind act on your part with suspicion because I would inevitably wonder what you wanted in return. If other people pick up on this, you're going to attract the kind of attention that will only fuel your existing tendencies. How about helping people just for the sake of doing something nice. It might make them do the same thing to some other total stranger and in doing so make the world a marginally nicer place to be in. I can't see how it's worse than maintaining your current attitude of 'bugger everybody except the one' (whatever that is), because it's only going to encouage people around you to treat you in exactly the same way. Is that what you want? Cheers, D.
Author JadedHeart Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 Thanks for the reply.... I used to be the nice guy and I did everything for my girlfriend that dumped me earlier this year. Then after that I would court a few girls for weeks only to have them use the oh we were dating? I thought we were just friends line... I was getting a bit jaded I suppose, just so you know where I'm coming from. I see this is a bad attitude I have somewhat developed. I can't help the way I feel though. I really hope I don't turn into some a-hole
notalone Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 You are turning bitter, which is common after bad break-ups. Mostly, it's a temporary phase. With time, you should be able to be back to your old self. If not however, you might consider talking to your friends and ask them if they see any negative change in you.
TaraMaiden Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Hey everyone I'm sort of in a pickle. Lately I've been having this mentality that all guys have ulterior motives with a girl, and all girls just want attention. I had this attractive girl every ask me if she could wear my jacket because it was cold. I said no thanks I'm wearing it. She then persisted but I held my ground, too bad was my retort. I did not even know her, now before everyone starts telling me I'm an ass... You're an ass. You're also a blind jerk. She was flirting with you! An attractive girl you don't even know, comes up to you (nobody else - just you!) and asks if she can borrow your jacket. And persists. What are you, dumb or something?? Why would I give a damn about a girl that's not going to be my gf? Well, that's for sure now... although how could you have known this before she asked? Unless they're my purely platonic friend girls, (no attraction, those going out with my best friends). I'm supposed to give her my jacket and let me freeze my butt off for what? A girl that I'm supposed to get nothing out of? If you don't know her - how do you get to this conclusion? Am I turning into as ass? I certainly don't want to but I've started living by this mentality right here... Well, you recognised it... so I guess that would be a yes.... If I'm not going to get anything from her why would I help her in any way? If she's a platonic friend I treat her like one of the guys. Geesh, you really are stuck in a dark alley, aren't you? Even if a lady friend is platonic, you most certainly don't treat her 'like one of the guys'. You still treat her like a lady! What is she, butch? Unless she's capable or arm-wrestling you all to ER, and drinking you all under the table - she's still a lady. Relationships between men and women are conditional, I don't believe there to be unconditional ones. Why? Don't get your point here. I'm not looking for empathy basically assurance. Is this a bad mentality to follow? I certainly can't help the way I feel, which is EFF all girls except the one. Actually, only you CAN help the way you feel. Who else is going to feel for you? Dumb comment. OF COURSE YOU CAN HELP IT! It's your bad attitude - you change it! In no way do I want to come off as a misogynistic male chauvinist. I just want to know if anyone sees anything wrong with this... Well, I think I answered that quite well......
boogieboy Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I used to have that attitude you have right now. (yeah yeah, surprize, suprize...) Yeah youre problem is you dont recognize when a girl is flirting with you. If the girl asking for your jacket isnt one of the girls that you know is already a platonic friend, then she was testing the waters with you, and trying HARD I might add. If she was one of the friends that you already knew, then I kinda agree with you saying no. But remember, these girls youre hanging around will help you get other girls! But you have to be the life of the party, you cant be bitter. Even if you joke around, girls can smell bitter. The girls arent going to always be up front when feeling you out, they dont just come up to you and say "i want you, and not as a friend" Not only that, but you have to recognise when a girl doesnt like you, so you dont keep trying to date those girls. Meaning, if you go on a date with a new girl, and it doesnt work out, you shouldnt be in contact with her after that. You dont want to keep getting stuck in those situations where the girl says "oh were dating?"
Woggle Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 If I could physically high five you I would. Why should her need to be warm be any more important than your need? If she were cold she could have brought her own jacket along. My attitude is F chivarly. Why be Mr nice guy and get treated like a doormat when you can put yourself first and at least keep your self respect?
boogieboy Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 If I could physically high five you I would. Why should her need to be warm be any more important than your need? If she were cold she could have brought her own jacket along. My attitude is F chivarly. Why be Mr nice guy and get treated like a doormat when you can put yourself first and at least keep your self respect? because that kind of self respect is lonely. He could have had it both ways. For example, if this girl asked him for his jacket, she would have let him put his arm around her, and they both would have been warm. or, he could have kept his jacket on and pulled her into his jacket. Theres a bunch of ways that could have gone. he would have had self respect then to wouldnt he woggle?
Woggle Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 because that kind of self respect is lonely. He could have had it both ways. For example, if this girl asked him for his jacket, she would have let him put his arm around her, and they both would have been warm. or, he could have kept his jacket on and pulled her into his jacket. Theres a bunch of ways that could have gone. he would have had self respect then to wouldnt he woggle? Then he would have dated her and she would have left him for some scumbag who treats women like toys. I like the way he handled it better.
boogieboy Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Then he would have dated her and she would have left him for some scumbag who treats women like toys. I like the way he handled it better. Well if she left him that was his fault for not doing what he needs to do to keep her attracted. Cant have the attitude that defeats the purpose if you want to be successful with women.
PinkToes Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 If I were standing across the street and I saw the same situation play out with two different guys -- one who blew her off and one who offered his jacket, I'd be waaaaay more attracted to the guy who gave up the jacket.
Woggle Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 If I were standing across the street and I saw the same situation play out with two different guys -- one who blew her off and one who offered his jacket, I'd be waaaaay more attracted to the guy who gave up the jacket. You might genuinely think that but reality would probably be different. Also don't women own jackets? Why is it that they never seem to have one when the weather is cold? It's not that hard to by one.
Author JadedHeart Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 For all of you thinking that I don't posses the social intelligence to see that she was flirting you're all wrong. Me and my friends were at a cafe and she had guys all around her. I could see she was an attention whore. The way she asked me for my jacket it was almost as if she was expecting me to give it to her. If I offered to share my jacket with her or keep her warm around my arms why the hell would I do that with a random girl. Girls these days will share food, cuddle, basically do anything couples do just to use them, or it means jack to them. That's how guys get strung along, I don't play that. I basically saw ZERO potential for a relationship with her. All those guys giving her attention and her basking in it my rapid cognition told me she was no good. Besides she already had a boyfriend which I found out later. Now granted I will still open doors for ladies and give up my seat on the bus for them but that's as far as it goes. It's when they start expecting guys to do crap for them that gets me ticked off.. Reading these posts made me glad I did what I did. I know she was only using me for my jacket, I knew damn well she had no intention of getting to know me. As for TaraMaiden you sound like a classic b!t@$.. It sounds more like you're the bitter one. Hell yea I'm going to treat my platonic friends as one of the guys. They pitch in when we eat, they don't get special treatment from me. What's the point what the hell do I get out of it? And NO you can't help the way you feel. So when you're attracted to that ass that basically turned you into a bitter b!T$# you're telling me you can't help the way you feel? NO. STFU Boogieboy I have female friends already I know where you're coming from. After reading these posts I'm certainly glad by the way I handled it. I'm no longer going to give special attention to any girl unless I see a potential for a relationship. Tara I can see why you would think I'm an ass as I did not completely clarify the situation which is my fault, but I still feel like you're just as bitter as me. The only difference between you and I is that I recognize it and trying to fix it. Maybe this post will help you out too..
Woggle Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I don't even hold open doors or give up a seat on the bus or the train. I am just as tired from walking as she is so why should I stand if I got to that seat first? I would give it up to a disabled person of either but a perfectly healthy woman should get no special treatment.
Author JadedHeart Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 By the way Tara what I meant by there are only conditional relationships between men and women this is a classic case. For me I believe if the relationship is unconditional he becomes a doormat will do anything and won't expect anything in return. The relationship will be unbalanced as the women will feel that she is obligated to do things in return. Also the male might also come to resent the female because he's put in so much yet has not gotten much in return. So if I give this girl my jacket and I see 100% that I will not get a damn thing out of it, why should I? Guys you're telling me you would gladly give up your jacket knowing you won't get anything out of it? Girls do you really think this is a bad bad mentality? Relationships are about giving and taking. You have to learn how to do both, I'm not saying I hope the girl freezes because I don't give a damn about her. It's more along the lines of what do I get out of it? absolutely nothing so no I'm fine I want to wear my own jacket.
PinkToes Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 You might genuinely think that but reality would probably be different. Also don't women own jackets? Why is it that they never seem to have one when the weather is cold? It's not that hard to by one. Geez, you're not bitter or anything, are you? Think what you want; women are attracted to compassionate, thoughtful guys. Especially when they do nice things without expecting a payoff.
Author JadedHeart Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 Geez, you're not bitter or anything, are you? Think what you want; women are attracted to compassionate, thoughtful guys. Especially when they do nice things without expecting a payoff. PinkToes I'm pretty sure women are attracted to compassionate thoughtful guys. But I don't think guys should act that way unless they're in a relationship with them. I suppose this thread only pertains to the beginning stages. Bah whatever personally if people think I'm an arse for thinking this way to me it does not even matter anymore. Thank you everyone for your replies. If anyone has any other opinions please do feel free to state them. I could always use some more insight.
PinkToes Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Jaded, your explanation of what happened in your situation kind of changes my opinion of your reaction. You had a pretty clear picture of what was going on with her. The only thing I would add is that in general, I think it's better to be kind and assume the best about people. Sometimes you have to do that before you even get a clue about whether a girl is trying to take advantage of you, but I think it's usually worth the risk -- for both men & women. Ever wonder why women love firefighters & medics? It's not the uniform. Compassion is sexy. ;-)
Woggle Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Think what you want; women are attracted to compassionate, thoughtful guys. Thanks for the laugh.
PinkToes Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Thanks for the laugh. You're welcome; glad I could help. And I'm happy you've come to terms with being single for the rest of your life.
Woggle Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 You're welcome; glad I could help. And I'm happy you've come to terms with being single for the rest of your life. I am a happily married man.
PinkToes Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I am a happily married man. So you're married to a guy then? How can you be happily married to a woman and be so bitter toward the gender? Or are you joking?
Woggle Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 So you're married to a guy then? How can you be happily married to a woman and be so bitter toward the gender? Or are you joking? I am married to a woman and seeing what else is out there makes me appreciate what I have. I found a rare gem and I treat her as such.
ON MY OWN Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 By the way Tara what I meant by there are only conditional relationships between men and women this is a classic case. For me I believe if the relationship is unconditional he becomes a doormat will do anything and won't expect anything in return. The relationship will be unbalanced as the women will feel that she is obligated to do things in return. Also the male might also come to resent the female because he's put in so much yet has not gotten much in return. So if I give this girl my jacket and I see 100% that I will not get a damn thing out of it, why should I? Guys you're telling me you would gladly give up your jacket knowing you won't get anything out of it? Girls do you really think this is a bad bad mentality? Relationships are about giving and taking. You have to learn how to do both, I'm not saying I hope the girl freezes because I don't give a damn about her. It's more along the lines of what do I get out of it? absolutely nothing so no I'm fine I want to wear my own jacket. Its called being a gentlemen. There is an art to giving, you should always give from the goodness of your heart. Have you ever heard the song The Chain of love? Its about giving to someone in need without expecting anything in return and it goes down the chain and ends up back to you. Wouldnt you appreciate if you were on a deserted road far away from any civilization in a strange place and your car died, a person giving you a ride or by the way you look at it is he should just pass you by. Its called compassion and your lack of it is a concern. Why have you developed this attitude? Did someone really hurt you?
Author JadedHeart Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 This thread is meant to revolve around relationships. OF COURSE If I saw someone stranded in the middle of the road I would help them out. I understand the compassion of humanity. We're not talking about humanity though, this is about girls getting bored with nice guys and not doing things where no return is gained. If you read in my previous post I said I would gladly open doors and give up seats for strangers. I was merely stating why go out of your way for a girl when nothing is gained? LOOK guys enough with the good samaritan... I can honestly say I've done more than what most people have contributed to humanity. Mission trips, donations, etc... I understand perfectly what being a gentlemen is and the mechanics of human compassion. I suppose you could say from this experience I had a realization, an epiphany, whatever the heck you want to call it. This is the same scenario as you being just friends with a girl wanting more. She gets everything out of the relationship yet you get nothing. You go out of your way to drive her, buy her food, for guys that do that you're telling me you seriously don't expect anything in return? Whether it be getting physical, establishing a relationship, being intimate on an emotional level, you know damn well you want at least something out of this whole ordeal no? I suppose the point I'm trying to make is... Yes still be a gentlemen or help your fellow human in need.. But what I'm talking about here is going out of your way or giving special attention to girls that are undeserving.
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