The End

[dEsTiNy2oo9]

Ok,this was my post a month ago....

Hi all,bit of a long saga this one,feeling very low and came across the site so thought I would share my experiences ...

 

Met my wife 25 years ago and we ahave been married for 21 of those.I was always an insecure person and as a result I became jealous and possessive of her.Looking back now I can see the hurt I caused her,always worried when she went out that she would run off etc.

 

Things were fine till about 3 years ago when my jealousy became at its worst,dont know why but it did.Around this time I had found she had been secretly texting our old neighbour (male).Obviously I went mad things were poor for a while but we agreed to try.All through this she blamed me ,as I was a jealous person,how on earth could she just say she was texting another man.I sort of understand now,but the [COLOR=#ff0000]deceipt[/COLOR] still hurts.Nothing ever happened between them as far as I am aware,but that is in the past now.

 

During the last year,we have had trial seperations with me moving to my sisters then we agree to try again,just one vicious circle.She shows no emotion,I drag up the past etc.

 

To bring it all up to date,I have been back at my sisters for 2 weeks and can see no hope of us ever working again.Prior to me moving out,we had been "trying"again for about 6 weeks.When we agreed this time,I realised this had to be make or break,so I even bought books on jealousy.These helped me immensely,and I thought we were going to make it this time for sure.However,she had always said that because of the jealousy I had caused her feelings to die for me.This hurt like hell,but as we agreed to try,I put heart and soul into it this time.

 

Her feelings never seemed to return for me,we never seemed to connect anymore the way I wanted to.So as I was in a brick wall and head situation I reluctantly moved back to my sisters.This is definitely not something I wanted,but could see the only person hurting was me,and I was doing it to myself.I wanted this so badly,but it was all one sided.

 

The Friday before I left,I told her that I did not think it was feelings anymore and that it felt like she was "missing out" (I am 42 and my wife 41 with 7 children,yes 7!!)

She admitted that she had done with the nappy changing etc and she no needed time for herself.It appears that I was surplus to requirements and did not fit into her plans.

On the Sat I left she had arranged to go out with my 19 year old son because she was upset

 

This went ahead and I went back to my house to get my car the following morning and through the window caught her holding hands with one of my sons friends.She ran and hid when she knew I had spotted them.Even at this point she denied everything and he had been kicked out the lounge.I asked was he that upset she had to comfort him??

 

Two days later I had an annonymous letter left on my windscreen saying that she was all over this boy/man in the club,kissing and stuff.

 

She even said I must have written it myself!!!

 

So here we are,me left with nothing.I dont think it could ever work again because as much as I have worked on my jealousy,could I really ever forget this?? She says and still maintains that there was never any sexual contact,but I`m not convinced obviously.It looks like divorce is imminent,I have had good days but mostly bad days,I dont understand if she felt like this a long time,why agree for us to try again?? It just bloody hurts!

 

 

A month on and although I have been "coping",why do I feel so alone and still hurt like hell.She says move on,how can I? This will get better wont it? Said I wouldnt shed another tear over this,but I lied to myself.

[TroyNJ]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know how bad you are hurting. I'm going to give you soem advice, you can choose to follow it or not.

 

First, it sounds as if your wife is having some sort of midlife crisis going on by what you described.

 

1. You need to not have any contact with her if possible, I know you have kids so when you do have to speak with her, do not talk about your relationshp, DO NOT SOUND NEEDY and do not show your sadness in front of her, I know this will be hard but you need to not do that. Act happy and do not offer any details about your Life, in time this may snap her out of the "fog".

 

2. Make yourself busy, go to the gym, do whatever you need to do to improve yourself. If you have a hobby engage yourself in it.

 

This is a critical time for your marriage and if you have any chance of saving it you need to give her space and make yourself invisible (except for your kids), if you do these things she may start to get curious about what your doing.

 

Lastly, what's done is done DO NOT beat yourself up over your jealously issue, JUST FIX IT! In the end if your marriage is saved GREAT, if not at least you will be a better person. Make yourself the prize, don't get down on yourself.

[Patrice]

I'm sorry you're going through this too .. I left my husband in March because I felt emotionally abandoned by him. We were married for 26 years and I never expected to be here. We have 3 children who are grown and on their own and it's been difficult for all of us. I can tell you, 3 months of soul searching, tears, introspection has made me realize that I cannot return to the marriage and a Legal Separation is in progress. Best advice, let yourself feel the pain of this and don't be ashamed of it .. it's a life-changing experience and a necessary part of the process. It gets better each day .. I feel at peace again - something I hadn't felt in the last 5 years of the marriage. I'm 49 and I do believe that mid-life is a time to reassess where we are and where we want to go .. in my case, I chose to not remain in a marriage that was killing me emotionally. He says he still loves me, that this is the most difficult thing he's ever been through - too bad he didn't get it when I was begging him to reconnect, to be respectful of me. Hang in there, make a decision and move forward .. if you need help, let me know. Get out there, get exercising, eat right, and do something for yourself every day. Peace.

[MrFun]

Hey,

 

This posting is somewhat rough.

 

I was always an insecure person and as a result I became jealous and possessive of her.

Why are you possessive? Everything done in love is done by someone's free will. To love you is their choice and not something someone owes you, or is obligated to give.

 

Why are you insecure? A man-to-man question, how many women have you had in your life?

 

Around this time I had found she had been secretly texting our old neighbour (male).Obviously I went mad things were poor for a while but we agreed to try.

She might have been infatuated with this man, but it doesn't matter. She's living with you, sleeping with you, be a mother to your children, all by her own free will, right? Don't be afraid of other men, they're just giving her someone you can't.

 

just one vicious circle.She shows no emotion,I drag up the past etc.

Why are you the one talking about the relationship? Be a man, that is what she's maybe missing.

 

I'm not trying to be evil here, but think about it, you're jealous and always bringing up the past. She thinks things will change, and then you start up again. The fact that you're insecure is the reason why you're acting this way. Fix that first. Be the man you've always wanted to be, warts and all. And you'll see that she'll start wanting to be a part of your life, instead of you being Mr. Caveman and emotionally dragging her into your cave. Again, I don't know every detail in your marriage, I'm just speculating and trying to help.

 

I have been back at my sisters for 2 weeks and can see no hope of us ever working again.Prior to me moving out,we had been "trying"again for about 6 weeks.When we agreed this time,I realised this had to be make or break,so I even bought books on jealousy.

Did she agree to this, or did you talk her into "trying again"? Be honest to yourself.

 

she had always said that because of the jealousy I had caused her feelings to die for me.This hurt like hell

That's right! She hit the nail on the head. You were once the cool guy, now you're a slobbering jealous mess that get upset about a text message. Learn to stay cool about that stuff.

 

Years ago I was jealous of my ltr because she cheated on her boyfriend who she was living with. I was insecure and jealous of her and her flirty behaviour. The more I got jealous the more she had the "upper hand". Eventually she also cheated on me. Some might she it was a selffulfilled prophecy, but I think it was just biological programming. To her I was a wussbag, controlling, passive-aggressive and jealous.

 

Nowadays I still get a little jealous, but I don't feel threatened by other men. I don't need to feel that I need to control a woman's sexuality. I just let it go and decide: "If this woman disrepects me beyond my boundaries, I take my stuff and leave. I only spend my time and energy and resources on high value women".

 

I asked the question about how many women you've had in your life for a reason. That was my sticking point. I felt "if this one leaves, I'm wrecked". The opposite is true! If a low value woman cheats on me, is too coward to work on our relationship, I deserve better. After the breakup I went nuts and hit on as many women as possible. I slept with a lot and loved them all in many ways. Eventually I stopped worrying about finding women and I know one day I'll find someone great. If I find out my next gf/wife is cheating on me, I'd just leave.

 

Her feelings never seemed to return for me,we never seemed to connect anymore the way I wanted to.

 

Women test you to see if you're the one. They do it all the time w/o thinking about it. You failed these tests for years and she only endured the marriage. She has no feelings besides resentment for you. Move on.

 

I wanted this so badly,but it was all one sided.

It's never about how much YOU want her, it's about how much SHE wants you.

 

She admitted that she had done with the nappy changing etc and she no needed time for herself

.

 

She wants to move on. I wouldn't even be surprised if that was a lie to avoid hurting you. She feels drained and needs to concentrate on herself.

 

I dont think it could ever work again because as much as I have worked on my jealousy,could I really ever forget this??

 

Mate, you're 42!!! You're not a 13 year old girl. You're probably a smart, communicative and emotional guy. But there's more than just a hint of desperation and too much insecurity for NO REASON AT ALL. Be the cool guy, it's in you!

 

She says and still maintains that there was never any sexual contact

Irrelevant. She's moved on emotionally. You remember how they say that women love confident men and men love vixens? Well, in a woman's eyes your a "3". It doesn't matter how much you struggle and talk about it, or plead and reason. On an emotional level, you're just not attractive to her anymore for the simple reason that in comparison to other men, you're everything a woman does not need.

 

Let her go. Find yourself. Be attractive and find a purpose in life. You'll attract lots of women and maybe even you wife again. And then we'll see. Don't do it to manipulate either, it will NOT WORK. Enjoy your life, you're 42. Be a great dad. Work on getting rid of the jealousy and insecurity. Build a boat and sail to Patagonia or SOMETHING. Be cool it's in you, like I said above.

 

It looks like divorce is imminent

Like a business contract, it is the icing on the cake. First and foremost is the relationship. The legal binding is irrelevant.

 

I dont understand if she felt like this a long time,why agree for us to try again?? It just bloody hurts!

Because she's human. No sane person just wants to walk out and be detached. She had major feelings for you at one time. That is in the past. Time to move on...

[dEsTiNy2oo9]

Thank you so much for your replies,it means a lot at a time like this,I know the marriage is over now,I just could not return and emotionally hurt myself like that again,even if I were to take full blame with my jealousy issues etc.

Very odd feeling that after 25 years together,all I can feel is hate,strong word I know,but I just dont know this woman anymore,

I will get through this,I have no choice now.Each day that passes is a another day of "moving on".

Perhaps I want to see that in some way she feels just a tiny bit sad that its ended after all this time.Maybe she does not,I dont know.At least I have dignity if nothing else.

[Patrice]

The further you are away from it, the more you will realize it .. the loneliness starts to fade, the being constantly upset starts to fade ... NOTHING in my situation would change, I've accepted that and I know I have to move on ..

When you're having a difficult day, just remember how upset you are now ..

start a journal .. it'll keep you moving ahead if she tries to come back.