rosey77 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Hi, After just beginning a relationship with a man he has had to take off overseas to help a very ill relative. When he was here he called me several times each day and seemed very into me. He said he loved me and wanted us to eventually live together in the future. This all happened very quickly and at first i was hesitant but my feelings grew. Since he has been gone i have hardly heard from him. He called me from the airport and said he would call in a couple of days. Anyhow he didn't call me for almost two weeks. I had about given up on hearing from him, when he called. I was very worried something had happened or that he wasn't dealing too well with his ill relative. But he said he lost his cell phone and my number:confused: After our chat he said he'd call me in a couple days. This ended up being a week. By then end of that time i began getting suspicious. So I called him. Whoever answered the phone sounded just like him, but they hung up on me. But a couple of minutes later he rang and said it was his relative. He tells me he loves me and misses me so much. I told him i found it hard not hearing from him much. (Twice in three weeks). So he said he would call me the next day (today)he said he had been very very busy. Well today he didn't call. So I assumed it meant he wasn't that into me and that i think things may be not as they seem. by the afternoon I just had to know. my friends all suspect he is married. So i called him and calmly asked if he is married:o he said gosh no and that he wishes he was married. he didn't seem at all bothered by the question:confused: i told him i was just a little confused as to why i hadn't heard from him much. Especially when he says he misses me sooooo much and that he loves me. I told him that i was fine about him being away and i was ok and happy but i have this niggling doubt. i appologised but i had to know. After telling me how he was so busy. By the end of our conversation, he was saying he was bored and that there wasn't much to do. And after saying how hard it was to get to the phone, he said he spent all his time just about in the room he was staying in (where there is a phone). Except when he was with his relative. The whole thing is doing my head in. i dont know what to make of it. I have a mind that is always questioning. it's my nature to enquire and when something smells fishy. Well i just have to know. What do you all think of this one. Am i being crazy? i love him to bits and when we were together it was absolutely amazing. We are both way over thirty, so we have plenty of life experience. I just dont know what to do. Going nuts please help:(
DarkestDreams Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 You've beeing him for a short period of time, so don't get sucked in into thinking he's completely head over heels with you based on the things he's been telling you. Things that start out intense are bound to fizzle fast. He says he call and then he doesn't keep his word. That's disrespectful, plain and simple. I would tell you to move on, but you say you love him. If you're not ready to let this one go, try a different approach. Stop calling him, stop freaking out, stop giving him an attitude. Don't wait by the phone and just go do your thing. When you do decide to take his calls, keep it light and fun and don't whine about "why haven't you called me earlier?". Talk to him the same way you would talk to a friend. When he'll realize that his calls aren't the highlight of your day, he'll come around.
Star Gazer Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 You've beeing him for a short period of time, so don't get sucked in into thinking he's completely head over heels with you based on the things he's been telling you. Things that start out intense are bound to fizzle fast. He says he call and then he doesn't keep his word. That's disrespectful, plain and simple. This is very good advice. Also, when my BF went to Europe for 3 weeks on business (which kept him very busy), he still called everyday (usually twice a day). I wouldn't say that someone who's really into you has to call that often while away dealing with important issues, but your guy should be making more of an effort to keep the connection going.
Author rosey77 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 Hey, Darkest Dreams. thats great advice.I was doing that in the beginning. when he called the first time after almost two weeks i cut him short as i was on my way out with a friend. I was in a much better mood back then. But now after several times of him not doing wot he says he will i got annoyed. and i have pms. I know it isn't a good excuse but it really hit me bad this month. He asked me to call him but i'm not going to. I will see what happens if and when and comes to see me face to face. Stargazer. i agree he should be contacting me more. I really am just about to the point of wanting to just let him go really. But i think even if i never call him he will still just rock up sometime. H said in the past he went away when he was married and when he came back his wife had another man living with her. Now i am thinkin he probably didn't call her either;) thanks so much
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 In addition to what DD said, I say pull back a little. If he calls, dont answer until the next time he calls. He should start calling more often when he realizes he is losing you. You pull back and maybe he will push. Since youre losing hope and thinking about giving up on this guy, you have nothing to lose. How long is he supposed to be out there?
DarkestDreams Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Hey, Darkest Dreams. thats great advice.I was doing that in the beginning. when he called the first time after almost two weeks i cut him short as i was on my way out with a friend. I was in a much better mood back then. But now after several times of him not doing wot he says he will i got annoyed. and i have pms. I know it isn't a good excuse but it really hit me bad this month. He asked me to call him but i'm not going to. I will see what happens if and when and comes to see me face to face. I'm glad I could help, my dear. You don't have to apologize, he's the one with the crappy behaviour. You just chose to react in an unproductive manner, we've all been there. The more you nag and try to explain what he's doing wrong, the more it begins to sound like "blah blah blah" in his ears, you know? The idea you want to get across is that you won't put up with being jerked around, no ifs, buts and maybes! You don't have to point out the obvious, he knows he's being an a**, but right now he's just trying to see how much you're willing to take and how far you allow him to push you. However, if at any point you feel compelled to point out the obvious, state your position in a straight and honest way... "I don't appreciate when you say you will do something and then you don't follow up. It's disrespectful and I'd rather be alone than be treated this way". No drama, no tantrums, just letting him know where you draw your line. But it's probably best to let your actions do the talking instead. The best way to do that is to act like you can take it or leave it. When he calls, don't always pick up. When you answer, keep it short. When he tries to make you initiate contact, don't. In other words, pull back, as boogieboy pointed out. Be just as sweet as ever when you're with him, just change your routine and don't be so eager to please him. If he's smart, he'll read between the lines. Get rid of the fear of losing him. If he walks, he's going to walk anyway, it's just a matter of time. So what? Your life goes on with or without him. When you start to stand up for yourself, he will see that you value yourself more than the relationship and he'll respect you more. It all boils down to respect.
dreamergrl Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Screw the don't answer games. Just tell him when he's back to give you a call and the two of you can talk. Put him out of mind. When someone loves another so much and misses someone so much, they make effort. This one isn't. I agree, something smells fishy. But I don't think you're going to find out what.
DarkestDreams Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Screw the don't answer games. Just tell him when he's back to give you a call and the two of you can talk. Put him out of mind. When someone loves another so much and misses someone so much, they make effort. This one isn't. I agree, something smells fishy. But I don't think you're going to find out what. Talk about what? "Why didn't you call me when you were away? Don't you miss me? Don't you love me?" What kind of reaction do you think she's gonna get? I bet it's not going to be "You're starting to be clingy and my interest is going out the window". He'll feed her some bullsh*t about how he was busy and sweet talk her some more. Back to square one, solves nothing. I agree that people who love you will call you just because and won't act like it's another damn chore. Actions, not words.
Author rosey77 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 Hi, yes i am definately gonna pull back. I know i dont need him in my life. this one got me all emotional. It sux as i am usually pretty cool with men and dont get like this. anyhow i dont think I'll be taking my cell everywhere i go. i think this guy is into me but he is very very laid back. And yes something is fishy. Hopefully i will find out. I am keen to meet his family. I think it sux that such games need to be played. I like to be honest about my feelings. I feel like i have said all i needed to. And we'll see what he does. I wont be calling him again. Only if he starts to make a decent amount of effort. thanks everyone
dreamergrl Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Talk about what? "Why didn't you call me when you were away? Don't you miss me? Don't you love me?" What kind of reaction do you think she's gonna get? I bet it's not going to be "You're starting to be clingy and my interest is going out the window". He'll feed her some bullsh*t about how he was busy and sweet talk her some more. Back to square one, solves nothing. I agree that people who love you will call you just because and won't act like it's another damn chore. Actions, not words. Well if she's bent on talking to him and finding out what's up, she'll do it regardless. I think she should just walk away, but I bet she doesn't. She's going to want that conclusion, the ending, something to explain what the hell is going on, and she sure isn't going to get it while he's god knows where. So if she needs that, pursue it when he gets back from whatever it is he's doing.
Author rosey77 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 hey Well i have decided i am making no contact with him at all. i cannot be bothered anymore. I think i mite even delete his number from my phone. then it will be impossible to talk to him. if he wants to talk to me he'll have to make some kind of effort. I am worth more than this and he oughta know it. my days of chasing him are over. thanks:)
dreamergrl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 hey Well i have decided i am making no contact with him at all. i cannot be bothered anymore. I think i mite even delete his number from my phone. then it will be impossible to talk to him. if he wants to talk to me he'll have to make some kind of effort. I am worth more than this and he oughta know it. my days of chasing him are over. thanks:) Very Good!
Lindarose84 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Hmm, don't know that I totally agree with the advice given on this thread...It would help to know what part of the globe he's in. There's a difference between being in Europe and being able to call everyday and being in some third world country where you'd be lucky to find a phone. Yes, there are cell phones, but again without knowing more information about the guy's financial circumstances, it's hard to say that he can even afford to call overseas on a cell phone everyday. Rosey, cut the guy a break. He's worrying about a relative who is ill. Let that be his ONLY worry- not you being over here freaking out. I don't know how you can go from talking about living together and loving each other to not even trusting him at all because of a lack of phone calls when he's overseas tending to someone who is ill. I don't recommend going NC. Just be patient. You had to expect this when he told you he was going overseas. Trust in what you guys have and the next time you guys are in contact, let him know you understand the lack of contact, you miss him, and look forward to his coming home. I'm sure he'd appreciate that amidst his current situation.
Author rosey77 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Well he called me when he said he would. Lindarose I did feel how you describe during the first two weeks that he was gone. I didnt hear from him and my worst worry was about his wellbeing. But since then there have just been some inconsistencies in his story. if they weren't there i would have found it so much easier to trust. I have been fooled by a married man before. he's not in a third world country and has a phone in his room. he said he was busy on one hand but then told me he was very bored with nothing to do but sit in the room where the phone is. I never expected him to contact me all the time. But i did expect him to contact me when he said he would. it is a very difficult situation for him i know. sometimes it just seems like he has alot of excuses for not calling me an has made it very hard for me to contact him. But he still says he loves me and misses me when he talks to me. He also has his laptop and internet access but never emails either which he said he would do. it's a bit weird. I am just going to see how things go. Well see what happens when he returns. thanks
Recommended Posts