To NC or not to NC...

[isthmus]

Hi,

 

So I never thought I'd have to start my own thread to ask for help, but I'm just so sick of coping with this and wondering whether I'm doing the right thing.... I'm so confused. I apologise in advance if this gets a bit long....

 

Me and my ex broke up over 10 months ago, after going out for 3 years. We were each other's first love, first everything. We had a good, fun relationship, and didn't really argue until the end. We broke up mutually, because we thought we were incompatible as a couple, and were better off being good friends.

 

It was civil, and we never said anything hurtful to each other. We treated each other well, there's nothing I can be angry at him for.

 

Anyway, even though we officially broke up 10months ago, we were travelling (long term) at that time, and as a result, we saw each other every day for the following 4 months. So of course, we remained really close and never had " a break" from each other. Some nights we'd sleep in the same bed, just laughing and joking around like we used to. It happened quite a bit, and yes, once or twice... things got physical.

 

Anyway, we returned home. And reality begun to set in. We didn't hang out every day anymore, but we still had some kind of contact pretty much every day. Our group of friends often remarked that we still looked like we were going out. Yes, looking back, we should not have remained best friends right after we broke up, we didn't have time to get over it. Well, at least I didn't.

 

Then two months ago, he told me he was about to ask someone out. And it shattered me completely. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I cried myself to sleep for about 3 weeks straight. I couldn't understand it... when we were "broken up", I never thought I wanted him back, and we both agreed that we had made the right decision. I know he's not 'the one' for me. But then why is it so hard??

 

Anyway, initially, i told him i couldn't handle it and that we shouldn't contact each other anymore. I heard from his best friend that this decision cut him pretty deep. But he understood, and told me that he'd be waiting if i ever wanted to talk or was ready to become friends again. But I broke that NC, because I felt like i had so much to say to him, I hadn't had my closure. So we met up and had a talk.

 

After that talk, he reassured me that he wanted to be my best friend, that he had to have me in his life... that he wanted me to be that 'best friend' that he could go and talk to when he had problems. I asked, what about your gf? She's not going to be happy about that. And he said he didn't want to go out with someone that doesnt understand that I'm his best friend and that he'd talk to her about it. He did, and she seems ok with it. ALthough I have a sneaking suspicion she doesn't know exactly how close we still are.

 

Ever since I found out about her, i've been up and down and back and forth over what I can do to feel better and get over this. I've gravitated between being adamant that I should do NC, to wanting to keep up this friendship and talking to him as often as i want because I think it's worth it. I did NC for a week once, but cracked on the 7th day, called him... and he said he missed talking to me and asked why i hadnt been calling him. I've had quite a bit of contact with him since. There are some days where we send each other like 10 msges each. We can keep hour long convos going while laughing and joking, and not mentioning her.

 

But then there are moments where it just hits me. Something sets me off, and I remember how painful it is. When I find out that he's spending the night with her, when they go double dating with *our* friends etc... and it kills me.

 

So my question is.... should I do NC? LC? Keep contacting him as much as i want?

 

There are a few reasons why i'm reluctant to do NC:

1. I know deep down, we are not right for each other. Hence, i don't want to be with him anyway... so why throw away a friendship? I never wanted him back before this girl came along, so its just a case of jealousy that I'll eventually get over right?

2. His friendship is worth having. He has never treated me badly or disrespectfully, he has never intentionally hurt me. He still cares about me, as I do him... I can't imagine him not being in my life.

3. We have a lot of mutual friends, and I am bound to hear about him and his life anyway. I like hanging out with his friends as well, I dont want to throw all their friendships away as well.

4. I dont feel like I am intruding on his life by my constant contact, he's told me he wants me to contact him whenever I feel like it. He calls/msges me as often as I do.

 

 

On the other hand.... by contacting him and remaining his "best friend", I'm letting him have his cake and eat it too. I just know that the day will come that her gf wont be happy with how close we are, and he will be forced to choose between us. I feel like such an idiot just waiting here waiting to be flicked off. He gets everything he wants right now, he doesn't have to feel bad about anything. he's having the time of his life while I sit here suffering.

 

So... LSers... any advice on what I should be doing? I'm so sick of having to think about all this

[moet70]

the best thing you can do is find yourself a new boyfriend. It's that simple.

[iBelieve In Symmetry]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can see where you're torn.

 

But you have to do NC, for your own good. You can't be best friends with him if you still love him. He seems pretty understanding about what you need and what you want, so let him know. Tell him you need to distant yourself from him for your own good, your own sanity. From what you've mentioned, he will understand and he will cooperate. He won't make things hard for you. I understand he has a great friendship to offer, but this is only going to hurt you. Remember after you're better, you can still have that friendship you want.

 

As for your mutual friends, let them know as well. Tell them you're not exactly over him and you need them to be understanding. This way, they most likely won't bring him up around you. You can still keep your friendship with them, too. If you don't want to tell them for whatever reason, then you're going to have to deal with them bringing him up. If you can cope with that, then so be it. But you have to do NC.

 

I don't want to bring too much change to you. But the ideal thing I would recommend is to do NC and try meeting new people, as in make friends with new people. Don't completely throw out old ones, but make new ones. Surround yourself by new people and new situations, and keep NC. But again, this might be too hard. So whatever works best for you and the more you're willing to do, the better.

 

But remember the most important thing is to do NC and keep in mind it's for your recovery.

 

Everything will be okay, I promise.

[isthmus]

Hi Symmetry,

 

Thanks for your response. Your words are really comforting.

 

You're right, NC would be the fastest way for me to heal. But as you said, it does seem too hard for me. It's almost as if I like torturing myself with a slow and painful healing process, because I think the friendship I will have at the end is worth it. I'm terrified of throwing it away now and looking back in the future and regretting the loss of a best friend... i'd be thinking 'why didn't I just hack it and keep the friendship??'. I know, maybe not the best thing to be pre-empting the future, but I can't help it!

 

I've "tried" implementing LC rather than NC these past few days, but have failed pretty miserably. I told myself i would not call or msg him unnecessarily, not reply his msges, answer his calls but not joke around with him like usual, and always be the first to hang up.

 

Instead, I called him once unnecessarily, msged him twice unnecessarily (with one reply), I've answered all his calls acting all happy and making jokes (he's called almost every day for a short chat), and have failed to initiate any hanging-ups. A pretty pathetic effort

 

I'm just not strong enough to NOT be nice to him like I always have. And a lot of things still remind me of him and I always end up msging him about it because it feels natural to tell him. What is wrong with me??

[iBelieve In Symmetry]

Maybe you haven't been hurt enough yet. But I think it'll get to a point where this is going to be more bad for you than it is good. And when that point gets here, you'll be tired of being hurt. At the end of the day you're going to do whatever you want to do. It seems your temptation to talk to him overpowers your temptation to heal and move on, and I'm sure that will change eventually. I'm pretty sure you don't want to see yourself 10 years from now still asking these questions on LS, at least not about the same guy...

 

It's hard, it's scary, it's lonely, but it has to be done. Be strong!

 

And we're all here for you when you need help or support. Don't forget to keep updating.

[isthmus]

Yeah, maybe I haven't been hurt badly enough yet to force myself to let go. I just find it so hard to find the will to let go, when sometimes it feels like he hasn't let go of me either. It may be false hope (it most probably is, actually), but i can't help feeling a false sense of happiness when he makes me feel like there's still something between us.

 

For example, just a few days ago we were hanging out, and he told me that the girl he's been "seeing" for the last 2 months called him and they had the "where are we at/where are we going" talk. He said it didnt go too well, nothing was really resolved. They're still seeing each other, but he said he doesnt want to commit too much yet (he said this to me, but not her). Apparently he didnt see or call her for the whole of last week, and he feels bad for not putting in the effort.... but he blamed it on being busy at work and everything. I would've thought nothing of this, BUT... he lives only 10 minutes away from her,so i dont think its hard to find time to see her at least once. Not only that, but he managed to call me a few times last week, instead of her. He's sending mixed messages and I don't know what to make of them.

 

I refuse to let myself believe that he is unwilling to commit to her because he's still not completely over me, or that he's starting to realise that what we had was better. I know it's unhealthy to be thinking that and instilling myself with false hope.... but i can't help it sometimes, and I know i'm just setting myself up for disappointment.

[Beeotch]

NC or LC won't cause you to lose the friendship....he seems quite understanding.

 

But as someone said maybe if you find someone else you won't feel as badly.

 

This friendship is costing you your peace of mind...it is not about you or him being bad people...he has moved on and it hurts you. There is no way around that...why go through the torture and pretense?

 

It will be a more fulfilling friendship when you both are on the same page. You can still talk to him but you have to set boundaries for yourself and not overdo it..you don't have to avoid him like the plague but being buddy-buddy with him is just not going to work esp when he brings up his gf and his happiness...it boundaries: like things you won't discuss, do etc.

[aboynamedmike]

It's been a week since i broke up with my ex and I was wondering all the time if she was thinking about getting back together or whatever..I gt to the point of bursting so I called her and we talked for nearly 20 min. It was nice to hear her voice but she brought up the kid she cheated on me with and whether or not she should accept his friend request on facebook and that was enough for me.

 

I went to my yoga class and was totally at peace. I saw my ex from other people's points of view and saw what they saw. I was blinded by love and I see now that I can do much better than her and that letting her go will improve my life dramatically!!

 

In my case breaking NC worked out for me..I guess i'm lucky:cool: