What's With All These Fantasy Relationships?

[Confusedalways]

I would have to agree with TBF... until you experience it, you won't understand it.

 

I completely did it by accident. Without going into too much detail- we definitely did NOT meet on an online dating site and neither of us had absolutely no intention of 'online dating' WHATSOEVER. It just happens, and it happens quickly, just like in real life. I don't think it had anything to do with being shy or outgoing- as I am a very outgoing person. It also had nothing to do [for me] with being 'someone else' because who I was was just me.

 

Admittedly, I still do judge the people that you refer to, Jilly. When you're invested in it, it's very very real. I honestly cannot describe it, and don't expect anyone who hasn't been through it to understand. That being said, it was a few years ago and I, like TBF, would never want to do it again. When all is said and done, I was never disillusioned in the same way some of these thread starters have been.

[sb129]

That seems to be the key difference here, TBF and Confused- you weren't disillusioned like some of the thread starters here, and now that the Rs have ended, neither of you want to have the experience again- which does say something about the experience itself.

[Jilly Bean]

I completely did it by accident. I don't think it had anything to do with being shy or outgoing- as I am a very outgoing person. It also had nothing to do [for me] with being 'someone else' because who I was was just me.

 

So then what do you think attracted you to this situation? How long did it go on? Did you ever meet?

[Trialbyfire]

That seems to be the key difference here, TBF and Confused- you weren't disillusioned like some of the thread starters here, and now that the Rs have ended, neither of you want to have the experience again- which does say something about the experience itself.

The reason I won't ever do it again, is that my personality type doesn't work with this kind of thing. I had the opportunity to engage in a partial LDR with a guy I got into an STR in RL with, last year. No way.

[Thornton]

I agree with TBF and Confused - it's difficult to understand what it's like unless you've experienced it. If you meet someone online and have a really in-depth emotional relationship, the lack of physicality doesn't make the feelings involved any less real. Is a relationship between blind people who cannot see each other still real? Is a relationship with no sex before marriage still real? What about a relationship between two people who have disabilities that prevent them from going out and doing stuff together?

 

An online relationship is actually a very pure sort of relationship based on liking someone for who they are as a person, not for what they look like. It's more like the old-fashioned sort of courtship where a couple would get to know each other in the presence of a chaperone but were never left alone together. I met my bf online, and I was already convinced I was in love with him before I ever met him - a genuine connection is very difficult to fake. I was a little worried about whether there would be any physical attraction when we eventually met in person, but I had seen photos and webcam, and tbh he could have been a four out of ten looks-wise and I would still have been crazy about him because he's such a wonderful guy. Sure, someone you meet online could be lying, but you meet people irl who lie to you too, just different types of lies.

 

The main difference is the order in which things happen. In a normal relationship, you decide whether you're physically attracted to the person first and then you date and get to know them to find out if you like their personality. In an online relationship, you get to know the person first and decide that you like their personality, then you progress to meeting in person to assess physical attraction. So I guess in that way an online relationship is less superficial, at least in the beginning, it's usually based on a genuine emotional connection rather than a hot ass. Perhaps you meet someone online and like their personality but don't find them attractive when you meet - but equally you can meet someone physically attractive irl and decide you don't like their personality when you get to know them. So really it's swings and roundabouts, neither is better or worse (or more valid) than the other.

[sb129]

What JB was getting at (I think) is that the relationships in some of the other threads on here are online only- but seem to be especially difficult and unhealthy from the outset.

Thats what I find bizarre- why bother continuing a virtual R of this sort when its easy enough to end it? Is the psychology the same as when people stay in unhealthy RL relationships?

 

I can completely understand if an online R enhances your life and provides you with positive aspects- company, mental stimulation, a connection, etc.

 

As I said- I met my H online, so for me to completely condemn it would be exceptionally hypocritical.

AND I use this forum on a regular basis- which is a form of online communication, and there are regulars who I feel I "know".

However if things get a little heated or potentially toxic, there are moderators AND we have the ability to switch off.

[Thornton]

I dated my bf online for months before we scraped up the money and holiday time to actually meet, but we were madly in love for most of that time, and our biggest worry was that it would evaporate when we met in person. Thankfully it didn't! Our relationship was fulfilling and supportive from the beginning though, we both derived a lot of happiness from being in each other's lives - I can't understand why anyone would continue an unfulfilling online relationship with someone they've never met.

 

I can only imagine that the person has certain perceptions about their online partner which they want to hold onto (e.g. he's the one, we're in love, I'm going to move to his city and we'll get married) despite the fact that the evidence tells them it isn't true. Or perhaps they're just lonely and even an online relationship is better than nothing. I guess in that respect online relationships are similar to real life relationships - you make excuses for people because you love them, or rather you love the person you want them to be, you love this image in your head which they will never live up to.

[sb129]

Good answer Thornton- makes some kind of sense, I guess, esp if you are in a bad headspace where a bad online R is better than none at all.

 

Personally, I would rather be single than in any kind of unfulfilling R, but it has taken me a few years and more than a few mistakes to be at that stage.

[sb129]

In fact-, having thought about it for a minute, a bad online R is probably better than a bad RL R- you don't have to face up to reality or red flags as much, and it may not seem as bad as long as you are holding onto that "when we meet up everything will be perfect" thought.......

[Els]

Some would say that by starting off online you aren't blinded by first impressions -- you get to know the person first, their innermost thoughts and opinions and emotions, and THEN only their appearance, smell, etc. People seem to have this tendency to be more open to speaking about their most personal and innermost thoughts online, as compared to in person, unless they've known the other person for a very long time already. I guess it's easier to lose one's inhibitions online.

 

I met my 'fantasy relationship' partner IRL after a few months of talking online, and we've been together for more than a year now. I daresay we know more about each other and trust each other more than many couples whom I know IRL and whom I read about on this site. Then again, I place far more importance on mental connection and compatibility than most. I would NEVER form a relationship with someone whom I couldn't talk to freely about anything and everything, or who couldn't understand me or didn't share my viewpoint on most things. But I've been in a relationship with someone whom I could objectively say was ugly, by standard measurements. I didn't care -- I couldn't keep my hands and arms off him all the same. I think this is an integral part of those who form GENUINE relationships online, that they don't place much importance on physical stuff.

 

All of this only applies to situations in which both parties are genuine, of course. It's easier to purposefully con someone online than it is to do so in person, if the other party had a mind to. One just needs to learn how to recognize such situations and be careful.

[andy.macca]

There are currently two threads on the dating forum, both from young people in their early 20's, both of whom are involved in "long distance relationships" with people they have never met.

 

Yet, both are fretting over concerns about the "non-existent relationship", and seeking advice about how to navigate their fantasy.

 

(Personally, I don't consider it a "relationship" when you've never met, never dated, never been in the same room.)

 

Is this really what dating has come down to? People deluding themselves by engaging in non-existent cyber fantasies?

 

I honestly find it tragic. Particularly since it seems to be the young kids who are doing this.

 

Is this really the present, or the future?

 

Someone either clue me in if this is a new trend and all the cool kids are doing it, or explain this to me. I'm greatly perplexed.

 

I think one of the threads you might be referring to is one of mine a few weeks ago. Or maybe not, but either way I wrote a similar one.

 

For me it is the unfortunate present and hopefully not the future. I hate the way I tend to fall for people online, but then it often seems to be the only contact I have with the opposite sex. So it is hard not to have feelings for these people. In my case I know that the other person has a boyfriend and lives as far away from me as possible, literally opposite corners of the world. So I know nothing can happen and she is not likely to have any feelings for me, but we email everyday. And they are long emails that make both of us happy.

 

Would emailing her stop me from dating someone IRL if the opportunity came up? No, and in fact my feelings for her would probably disappear.

 

But at the moment I can't help thinking about how cool it would be to meet her and find out we are made for each other. I hate myself for it and it's way too obsessive. I want to not have these feelings, but whilst emailing we have become quite good friends and I don't want to stop that.

 

So yes, in a way I am deluded. But I know nothing is going to happen. I think it's tragic too and I blame it on my shyness.

[Jilly Bean]

I think one of the threads you might be referring to is one of mine a few weeks ago. Or maybe not, but either way I wrote a similar one.

 

For me it is the unfortunate present and hopefully not the future. I hate the way I tend to fall for people online, but then it often seems to be the only contact I have with the opposite sex. So it is hard not to have feelings for these people. In my case I know that the other person has a boyfriend and lives as far away from me as possible, literally opposite corners of the world. So I know nothing can happen and she is not likely to have any feelings for me, but we email everyday. And they are long emails that make both of us happy.

 

Would emailing her stop me from dating someone IRL if the opportunity came up? No, and in fact my feelings for her would probably disappear.

 

But at the moment I can't help thinking about how cool it would be to meet her and find out we are made for each other. I hate myself for it and it's way too obsessive. I want to not have these feelings, but whilst emailing we have become quite good friends and I don't want to stop that.

 

So yes, in a way I am deluded. But I know nothing is going to happen. I think it's tragic too and I blame it on my shyness.

 

No, I wasn't referring to you - just the two threads that were posted in the past few days.

 

But your post was really honest, thank you.

 

And you're not tragic (as the others). They are convinced they are IN exclusive relationships with people they have never met. They are worried over "issues" in the fantasy they have created. You seem to do this for an outlet, but are not dismissing the option of meeting a girl IRL, nor are you acting like you're in a relationship.

 

Though I think behavior like yours can be risky, as you don't want to make this kind of thing into a pattern, you are also well aware that nothing is going to come of this, and again, you are open to meeting someone non-virtually and not talking like you're legitimately "involved".

 

In a way, it's like an adult version of an imaginary friend.

[andy.macca]

No, I wasn't referring to you - just the two threads that were posted in the past few days.

 

But your post was really honest, thank you.

 

And you're not tragic (as the others). They are convinced they are IN exclusive relationships with people they have never met. They are worried over "issues" in the fantasy they have created. You seem to do this for an outlet, but are not dismissing the option of meeting a girl IRL, nor are you acting like you're in a relationship.

 

Though I think behavior like yours can be risky, as you don't want to make this kind of thing into a pattern, you are also well aware that nothing is going to come of this, and again, you are open to meeting someone non-virtually and not talking like you're legitimately "involved".

 

In a way, it's like an adult version of an imaginary friend.

 

Ok, I guess in a way it is like having an imaginary friend.

 

I agree that it is risky and again I don't like it and will try to change it. But you have made me put my problem in perspective, I could be way worse.

 

Thanks

[Jilly Bean]

I agree that it is risky and again I don't like it and will try to change it. But you have made me put my problem in perspective, I could be way worse.

 

Thanks

 

It's risky if you delude yourself like these others that they are actually in a real relationship. That's the real danger.

 

I get the feeling you do it to feel a connection with another person, and nothing more, as you said yourself if you met someone IRL, your feelings for this girl would dissipate. You actually seem very grounded with it all, actually.

[BUENG1]

There are currently two threads on the dating forum, both from young people in their early 20's, both of whom are involved in "long distance relationships" with people they have never met.

 

Yet, both are fretting over concerns about the "non-existent relationship", and seeking advice about how to navigate their fantasy.

 

(Personally, I don't consider it a "relationship" when you've never met, never dated, never been in the same room.)

 

Is this really what dating has come down to? People deluding themselves by engaging in non-existent cyber fantasies?

 

I honestly find it tragic. Particularly since it seems to be the young kids who are doing this.

 

Is this really the present, or the future?

 

Someone either clue me in if this is a new trend and all the cool kids are doing it, or explain this to me. I'm greatly perplexed.

 

I don't think most people intentionally get into these types of relationships but some just fall into it. And sometimes it becomes a substitute for a real life relationship, I don't think its that healthy but to each their own. And technology makes it just more elaborate, with webcams, im etc. And all these life simulation type games. On this subject(a little bit off topic), a friend told me she was pregnant and I assumed in real life, but turns out it was in one of these games . I just didn't know what to say.

I guess if these types of relationships truly make you happy and fulfilled them more power to you, but seems to me like a lot of the time it can just become a crutch to developing a relationship in real life. Though a lot of the time these relationships are just born out of situations where its just hard to see each other(different countries)

[Island Girl]

In a way, it's like an adult version of an imaginary friend.

 

Sorry but it is not like an "imaginary friend" at all.

 

When a child has a imaginary friend there is only supposed interaction at any level.

 

There are REAL people involved. Whether those people are lying, honest, etc. does not negate the fact that there are real people e-mailing or chatting and actually communicating.

 

re⋅la⋅tion⋅ship

 

Show IPA –noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement. 2. connection between persons by blood or marriage. 3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students. 4. a sexual involvement; affair.

 

 

By definition they have a relationship.

 

How you choose to perceive it is of no consequence.

 

There are real feeling all too often involved and there is still pain, heartache, issues that come up and have to be dealt with, etc.

Minimalizing all of that is hurtful not helpful.

[Lizzie60]

I totally agree..

 

Personally, I don't consider it a "relationship" when you've never met, never dated, never been in the same room.

 

People deluding themselves by engaging in non-existent cyber fantasies?

 

I honestly think it's 'fantasy love'. It's soooo much easier to have a LDR relationship.. cause everything is always sooo 'beautiful', sooo 'loving'.. sooo everything... WHY??? because the persons are not together..they can't see what's really going on with the other person... they're not around.

 

I truly believe that people can be 'in love' for years...this is not the hard part... but come on.. it's 'fantasy'... they're (or one of them is) having sex with other people.. I will never never buy any story of couples who have been 'faithful' to each other for years.... someone's got to be somewhat extremely naive..

[Island Girl]

I totally agree..

 

Personally, I don't consider it a "relationship" when you've never met, never dated, never been in the same room.

 

People deluding themselves by engaging in non-existent cyber fantasies?

 

I honestly think it's 'fantasy love'. It's soooo much easier to have a LDR relationship.. cause everything is always sooo 'beautiful', sooo 'loving'.. sooo everything... WHY??? because the persons are not together..they can't see what's really going on with the other person... they're not around.

 

I truly believe that people can be 'in love' for years...this is not the hard part... but come on.. it's 'fantasy'... they're (or one of them is) having sex with other people.. I will never never buy any story of couples who have been 'faithful' to each other for years.... someone's got to be somewhat extremely naive..

 

How did I know you'd chime in and of course agree?

 

And how did I know you'd take a back handed slap at my relationship to boot?

Very thinly veiled Lizzie60.

 

Just because you have never experienced love and faithfulness doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

 

“He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool—shun him.

He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child—teach him.

He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep—wake him.

He who knows and knows that he knows is wise—follow him.”

 

Oh the foolish have such strong opinions.

[sb129]

IG- I honestly don't think your R is in the same category as the ones JB is referring to.

 

You and your H have a 'real" R- you met IRL first, before it became LDR, right?

As far as I know you can't actually get married without both being there in person.

 

The distance thing is circumstantial and is in the process of being dealt with, unfortunately much of that is out of your hands.

[Jilly Bean]

IG- I honestly don't think your R is in the same category as the ones JB is referring to.

 

You and your H have a 'real" R- you met IRL first, before it became LDR, right?

As far as I know you can't actually get married without both being there in person.

 

It's not at all, and I don't know why she's carrying on like this. particularly since we already addressed LDR's with people who already know each other first. I think I was pretty clear in the OP that this applied to people who engaged in online, virtual "relationships" with people they never met.

[Star Gazer]

IG, I don't think the distance is the issue here. It's the fact that those in online relationships where they'd never even met are living out a fantasy. Until you meet, and can touch/see/feel the person in the here and now, how can you know them?

[Ariadne]

It's not at all, and I don't know why she's carrying on like this. particularly since we already addressed LDR's with people who already know each other first. I think I was pretty clear in the OP that this applied to people who engaged in online, virtual "relationships" with people they never met.

 

I actually had two of those online only "sort of" relationships.

 

(Not with DG. I met him)

 

But basically, if you really like the guy, you can end up walking the walls.

 

Every word they say hits you like a rocket.

 

And then you sort of fabricate the whole persona of the parts that you don't know about because you never met.

 

In other words, you fill in the blanks with the perfect guy.

 

And also, you don't see anything bad at all since everything is filtered out.

 

If the guy is good with words he can drive you crazy, I know a couple did to me. I'd be up all night obsessing and go insane if they didn't write.

 

I'd email them 50 times a day erratically etc.

 

Not something I want to experience again. I felt completely out of control.

[sb129]

Ariadne- even your R with DG could probably be classed as a "fantasy relationship".

 

In other words, you fill in the blanks with the perfect guy.

And also, you don't see anything bad at all since everything is filtered out.

If the guy is good with words he can drive you crazy, I know a couple did to me. I'd be up all night obsessing and go insane if they didn't write.

I'd email them 50 times a day erratically etc.

Not something I want to experience again. I felt completely out of control.

 

This is exactly what you did with DG as well!

[Jilly Bean]

And then you sort of fabricate the whole persona of the parts that you don't know about because you never met.

 

In other words, you fill in the blanks with the perfect guy.

 

And also, you don't see anything bad at all since everything is filtered out.

 

Well, that's pretty much it, A.

 

There are many, many missing parts, and you fill them in with fantasy, which is not the reality of who they are.

 

And of course, in something virtual, it's easy to be on your best behavior all the time. You can wait to log in when you're in a good mood - lol.

[Lizzie60]

Oh OK.. cyber or LDR.. whatever.. it's all about 'fantasy' more than 'real' relationship.

 

Cyber is even worst.. since they never met..

 

I find it very sad.. that supposedly 'smart' people fall in cyber love with someone they never met and become so emotionally attached that they are miserable.. methink it is a 'kind' of people that are already 'extremely' emotionally dependant.. or a bit 'deranged"...