What's With All These Fantasy Relationships?

[Jilly Bean]

There are currently two threads on the dating forum, both from young people in their early 20's, both of whom are involved in "long distance relationships" with people they have never met.

 

Yet, both are fretting over concerns about the "non-existent relationship", and seeking advice about how to navigate their fantasy.

 

(Personally, I don't consider it a "relationship" when you've never met, never dated, never been in the same room.)

 

Is this really what dating has come down to? People deluding themselves by engaging in non-existent cyber fantasies?

 

I honestly find it tragic. Particularly since it seems to be the young kids who are doing this.

 

Is this really the present, or the future?

 

Someone either clue me in if this is a new trend and all the cool kids are doing it, or explain this to me. I'm greatly perplexed.

[sb129]

I don't get it either- I met my H online, but all the online part consisted of was the actual introduction part- I think we met IRL a week after we had first made contact via the website.

 

The thing that concerns me about these LDRs is that they still contain some very high expectations that you would expect from a real-life R- fidelity, full disclosure about ones sexual history, loyalty etc etc.

This brings with it feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and disappointment- all without any real physical contact.

 

I would find it hard to be physically faithful to someone I hadn't actually been physically intimate WITH.

 

I have a few online friendships with people who I haven't met- mainly started here at LS. They are nice, but they don't replace the Rs I have with my RL friends- and if anything were ever to go sour, I would simply switch off my computer- problem solved!

[sb129]

It also makes you wonder how many of these online Rs are genuine- it sounds like one party is often genuine enough, but how can you truly be sure that someone is who/what they say they are without meeting in person? Even then it can be hard to tell.

 

People can and do create totally fictitious personas and these online Rs can all too often take a sinister turn....

[Jilly Bean]

I don't get it either- I met my H online, but all the online part consisted of was the actual introduction part- I think we met IRL a week after we had first made contact via the website.

 

The thing that concerns me about these LDRs is that they still contain some very high expectations that you would expect from a real-life R- fidelity, full disclosure about ones sexual history, loyalty etc etc.

This brings with it feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and disappointment- all without any real physical contact.

 

I would find it hard to be physically faithful to someone I hadn't actually been physically intimate WITH.

 

I have a few online friendships with people who I haven't met- mainly started here at LS. They are nice, but they don't replace the Rs I have with my RL friends- and if anything were ever to go sour, I would simply switch off my computer- problem solved!

 

Totally agree. I do online dating, but like you, that means exchange of a few emails, maybe a phone call, and meet within a week.

 

I also have some online buds that I've never, and will probably never, meet, that I chat with on IM from time to time.

 

But that's it. The rest of my life is reality. Not this cyber fantasy jazz.

 

Is this an age thing? Or, some new growing pathology?

[Jilly Bean]

It also makes you wonder how many of these online Rs are genuine- it sounds like one party is often genuine enough, but how can you truly be sure that someone is who/what they say they are without meeting in person? Even then it can be hard to tell.

 

People can and do create totally fictitious personas and these online Rs can all too often take a sinister turn....

 

Again, agreed.

 

What's interesting, is that both posters seemed to be absolutely convinced that they are involved in a real, live, relationship. Their concerns and woes are of the level you would expect from a couple that was genuinely involved.

 

That's the scary part. The depth of involvement and refusal to see that all of it is fake, because as you said, either party could be a total phony. Or, if they ever do meet, which is doubtful, when it's not a match in person, what then?

[carhill]

Ever see 'Lawnmower Man'?

[Jilly Bean]

Ever see 'Lawnmower Man'?

 

Wasn't that a Stephen King novelette?

[gopher]

It also makes you wonder how many of these online Rs are genuine- it sounds like one party is often genuine enough, but how can you truly be sure that someone is who/what they say they are without meeting in person? Even then it can be hard to tell.

 

People can and do create totally fictitious personas and these online Rs can all too often take a sinister turn....

 

Bingo! I know several stories involving women who were fooled by women posing as men online.

 

In one scenario, one woman moved from IL to FL to be with her "man"...It turned out to be a girl and her boyfriend who when finally caught, said they were just having some fun. The "set up" for this took at least 2 years...

 

Another story involved a woman posing as man who sucked in dozens of women...until she was finally outed, literally. Turned out she was a lesbian who got off on the pictures and web caming these women did for her....Talk about some embarrassed women when they found this out.

 

I know these story for a fact because they happened in a yahoo chat room I used to visit in the early part of this decade.

 

This doesn't mean that the people at either end of an online LDR are fake, but it should give people pause before getting too wrapped up. Why would you want to spend months or years of your life sitting in front a computer screen, especially in their 20's! Get out and meet real people, or at least meet someone after you chatted online for a month at most.

 

Just my two cents...

[xpaperxcutx]

I've been guilty of one of these LDRs, and sadly to say I had them when I was 15 /16 during the height of the internet era of online chatting. They were appealing simply because it was easier to interact with a perfect stranger and it felt like something forbidden. I've since moved on from that because they served no purpose.

[carhill]

Wasn't that a Stephen King novelette?

Yes, published in the mid-late 70's and made into a movie released in 1992 with Jeff Fahey, Pierce Brosnan, and Jenny Wright.

 

 

It's a new (old) world

[Jilly Bean]

I've been guilty of one of these LDRs, and sadly to say I had them when I was 15 /16 during the height of the internet era of online chatting. They were appealing simply because it was easier to interact with a perfect stranger and it felt like something forbidden. I've since moved on from that because they served no purpose.

 

Well, at 15/16, I don't think you can be held that responsible, X. You DID realize there was no value in this kind of thing.

 

That being said, do you think it's an age thing? Do you think a lot of young people are engaging in fantasy lives like this?

[Trialbyfire]

I did one and don't feel any need to hide it. While I'd never encourage anyone to get into one, rather suggest they slash their wrists first, it was an interesting experience.

 

Overall, it made for some pretty hot phone sex. It's much cheaper than dialing 1-900...

[boogieboy]

Well, at 15/16, I don't think you can be held that responsible, X. You DID realize there was no value in this kind of thing.

 

That being said, do you think it's an age thing? Do you think a lot of young people are engaging in fantasy lives like this?

 

I doubt its an age thing. My guess its a lazy people thing. Putting hopes in a LDR is one thing, but an online LDR with someone youve never met is just lazy. That means that both these people do not want to do the work to approach people in their town....which doing that work is not for the lazy.

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, at 15/16, I don't think you can be held that responsible, X. You DID realize there was no value in this kind of thing.

 

That being said, do you think it's an age thing? Do you think a lot of young people are engaging in fantasy lives like this?

 

I think it's more common among people who can't socialize as well in real life. I remember I was an introvert, and having an online romance was like a second persona for me.

 

It's simply what most people are doing now. We're so wrapped up in technology that it's becoming more uncommon for us to leave those behind and just interact with each other face to face.

 

Like the city, more often then not I see people with headphones on in the streets ( myself included) and I would just rather listen to music than listen to the crowd or the street. And even on the subway, it just more easier to stare at your own ipod or play with your sidekick than just sit there and stare at people.

 

Everyone is becoming isolated, thus for those who have become recluses, they seek alternatives to developing relationships whether they're real or not, it's merely an excuse for people to say, oh yeah I have a gf/bf, but they live 2000 miles away....

[Island Girl]

There are all sorts of relationships.

 

And just because two people haven't met yet doesn't negate there are real feelings involved.

 

These kinds of prejudices about LDRs are so hurtful to those of us in them.

 

Because while the definition of it being "real" here is meeting in person. But for others it is seeing each other often. And for others there is the assumption that if you are not in close proximity then you have a fake relationship or you have a fear of commitment, etc. and that is why you are "fine" with it being LD.

 

The truth is when ones feelings get involved they just are. And if they fizzle when the face to face happens - so be it. It doesn't change the fact that those people went through relationship issues just like anyone else. Different ones - or dealt with differently - but still issues like jealousy, communication, openness, honesty, etc.

 

You would not believe the comments I have gotten from people about my relationship which I assure you is VERY real, tried, and tested.

Most of the time they are flippant and not spiteful. But they still are a back-handed slap in the face.

 

Just because you don't understand it or haven't experienced it doesn't make it any less valid. And it doesn't mean that real feelings aren't involved.

[Jilly Bean]

I think it's more common among people who can't socialize as well in real life. I remember I was an introvert, and having an online romance was like a second persona for me.

 

That makes sense. So, would you say that your online persona was different than who you were in person?

 

This kinda supports what SB was saying. You have no way of knowing how real the person is.

 

I remember reading online (not sure what forum, it was a few years ago), about a guy, 25, who had a two-year cyber fantasy relationship. When he finally went to meet the girl, he showed up with a ring, as he/they were THAT convinced they were meant to be.

 

Wouldn't ya know - she felt NO chemistry for him in person, and promptly dumped him. Like, on the first meeting, she dumped him. Told him some story of how she had another BF, etc.

 

Regardless, the guy was CRUSHED. Spent two years of his life in fantasy land, only to get hosed by the elusive chemistry.

 

I think that is the most probable outcome of these kinds of situations. I know even when I meet guys after a week of online chat, I would say 60% I'm not into in person.

[Jilly Bean]

I did one and don't feel any need to hide it. While I'd never encourage anyone to get into one, rather suggest they slash their wrists first, it was an interesting experience.

 

Overall, it made for some pretty hot phone sex. It's much cheaper than dialing 1-900...

 

But were you in an exclusive, committed "relationship" of duration in which the two of you were working towards a future? Or, was it just entertainment?

 

I can see people dabbling in fantasy to kill some time, so long as it's non-impactful, but I think if it's really taking on more meaning, it can be problematic.

[xpaperxcutx]

That makes sense. So, would you say that your online persona was different than who you were in person?

 

This kinda supports what SB was saying. You have no way of knowing how real the person is.

 

I remember reading online (not sure what forum, it was a few years ago), about a guy, 25, who had a two-year cyber fantasy relationship. When he finally went to meet the girl, he showed up with a ring, as he/they were THAT convinced they were meant to be.

 

Wouldn't ya know - she felt NO chemistry for him in person, and promptly dumped him. Like, on the first meeting, she dumped him. Told him some story of how she had another BF, etc.

 

Regardless, the guy was CRUSHED. Spent two years of his life in fantasy land, only to get hosed by the elusive chemistry.

 

I think that is the most probable outcome of these kinds of situations. I know even when I meet guys after a week of online chat, I would say 60% I'm not into in person.

 

Yes, in cyberspace, anyone can makes themselves come off as social and likable when in fact they could be really reserved and quiet. The point is, the internet helps give a release for people who can't speak their minds, and thus why you can find alot of arrogant and loud people on forums and chat rooms.

 

I also completely agree, that it's possible to like someone online, but when you meet in person, that attraction isn't there. I remember I hung out with a guy I met on myspace three weeks back (we had been in communication for a week) and while he was really great in person, the attraction wasn't there as I had previously assumed when I had been talking to him online.

 

Hence why internet dating isn't all it's cracked up to be, unless you want to escape from reality and live a double life.

[sb129]

And just because two people haven't met yet doesn't negate there are real feelings involved.

 

These kinds of prejudices about LDRs are so hurtful to those of us in them.

 

Because while the definition of it being "real" here is meeting in person. But for others it is seeing each other often. And for others there is the assumption that if you are not in close proximity then you have a fake relationship or you have a fear of commitment, etc. and that is why you are "fine" with it being LD.

Just because you don't understand it or haven't experienced it doesn't make it any less valid. And it doesn't mean that real feelings aren't involved.

 

I totally appreciate your point IG, but in your case your marriage has real life elements to it- you and your H are apart for logistical reasons, but you HAVE spent alot of time together IRL and your R is also based around that very real aspect of it.

 

Its not LDRs I have a problem with- not at all, that would be very hypocritical of me, sometimes they are a necessity while one of you arranges to be with the other one.

 

Its online LDRs that have had no "real" aspect to them (and won't for the forseeable future) that also have all these high expectations attached to them that one would typically only expect from a R where the couple had met in person that I find hard to fathom, and also would be very wary of.

 

The internet is littered with stories about people who have been set up or taken for a ride by phonies- and unfortunately the success stories do seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

[Trialbyfire]

But were you in an exclusive, committed "relationship" of duration in which the two of you were working towards a future? Or, was it just entertainment?

 

I can see people dabbling in fantasy to kill some time, so long as it's non-impactful, but I think if it's really taking on more meaning, it can be problematic.

The concept was to move it to real life, so it wasn't intended for entertainment sake. Sometimes people just click online and by accident, since it wasn't a dating site. For certain, at least on my part, I did care.

 

The funny part, is that I don't believe in online dating. Never tried it, hopefully never will have to, if my current relationship works out forever.

 

I honestly don't regret it or am in any way, ashamed of it, Jilly. It happened, was an experience, one I wouldn't repeat.

[sb129]

When it ended TBF how did you feel in comparison to how you felt when RL Rs ended?

[Trialbyfire]

It's difficult to describe sb. This is something I'd prefer not to discuss.

[Jilly Bean]

Hence why internet dating isn't all it's cracked up to be, unless you want to escape from reality and live a double life.

 

Oh, I think that OLD can be a great way to meet new people. The operative being to MEET.

 

Using it as a social or emotional crutch is one thing, but as an avenue to actually date people isn't a bad thing, IMO. Provided you're being honest. lol

[sb129]

It's difficult to describe sb. This is something I'd prefer not to discuss.

 

OK. Thanks for sharing your experience though.

[Trialbyfire]

OK. Thanks for sharing your experience though.

You're welcome. I think until you've experienced one, you can't understand it.

 

Previous to this, I would felt the same way as those of you who find it bizarre. They're backwards from RL. You get involved first, then you meet. The reason why they're backwards, at least in my opinion, is that unless you plan to move right away, there will always be an element of LDR, for an extended length of time. If you can't even make it work in an easy environment like online, there's no way you're going to go further with a meet.