jqb05443 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I was with my bf for 3.5 years. I am 30 he is 33. When we first met he had his own house and had alot going for him. He ended up selling his house and moving back home with his parents 2 years ago as he wanted to buy a house in NY and not live in NJ. And he is still home. I really thought he was the one I was going to marry. Long story short 2 months ago out of nowhere he broke up with me. He went through a very bad depression last year (which he kind of blames me for) that lasted for 6 months. He was out of work for about 2 months during that time. During his depression where he didn't want to leave his house and cried everyday I was there for him. He told me that if I stuck by his side until he made it thru his depression he would work on us. Around Jan when he was finally ok (for 4 months), I started throwing hints about marriage. I would tell him if he didn't propose by the end of this year I would leave him. Around March he lost his job and 2 weeks before that he lost $40,000 in one of those ponzi schemes. I never brought up marriage after he lost his job and the money. He has a small tax practice and he was actually enjoying not working at his full time job as he always hated it and talked about leaving it to focus on his tax practice full time during tax season and starting his own finanical planning business. He was content with collecting unemployment as he has no bills and has alot of money saved. The week tax season ended he broke up with me. I got mad one day because i felt he wasn't listening to me when I was talking on the phone, I hung up on him and text him that i didn't feel like we were in a relationship anymore. I was just being immature. I didn't really mean that. Well to my surprise he text me back and told me he felt the same way and the next day he broke up with me saying that he knows that I wanted marriage and he couldn't give that to me and he was confused and felt like the spark was gone. After the break up we were NC for one week until I broke. We spoke occasionally and hung out a few times. The times we hung out were great until I would get emotional and bring us up. I went away a week ago and before I left I gave him a card with all my feeling inside telling him I wanted to get back together and work on things. He told me he needed to think about it while I was away. I ended up calling him when I got home and he was acting very distant and cold. Basically today he told me that he can't be with me and pretty much doesnt want to be friends anymore. I feel like I just got broken up with all over again. I am so hurt and a mess as I was there for him through soooo much. My friends say that he is probably feeling bad about himself losing his job, money, being 33 and living at home and now being in no position to move out. But the times that I have talked to him and seen him, he seems happy. He loves to play poker and he has been going to AC every week during the week for a few days to play poker as he gets comped since we broke up. He has told me that he enjoys being able to do what he wants and not worry about work or having to answer to anyone. I have no choice now but to start NC as I have been a failure at it since we broke up. But I have no choice to start as of tomorow. The day he broke up with me I deleted him off of FB and I have never checked it since. So I am proud of myself about that. I know I have to let go and I am in so much pain I don't know how I am going to move on. I was thinking of having his phone number blocked so I don't jump when I get a call or text and get disappointed when its not him and when I don't get anything I won't cry myself to sleep. But what if he changes his mind and can't contact me and I will never know? Any suggestions on this? Thanks for letting me get it all out and sorry for it being so long.
sandy12345678993 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 It's been exactly 2 months since that fateful day for me too. I was with him for 7 months long distance. I loved him completely and wholly like I've never loved anyone before. He texted me about a break, but he promised me that he would be back and be with me and he would call me tomorrow. Tomorrow came and went. I sent him 2 text messages that first week telling him that I missed him and that I would be there for him. Finally, I waited for a month to call him, and when I did I found that his phone number is no longer a working number. No goodbye, no real break up, no nothing. Just a thousand questions and no answers. I wrote him a letter, but so far not a thing from him. I was doing ok for a while. I would still think about it, but it wasn't this whole sobbing, can't-get-out-of-bed thing. I was coping was starting to feel better. Today I don't know what it was, but I was a crying mess. It felt like it just happened yesterday. I don't know what happened, or if he ever thought about me after, or if he ever missed me, or if he even felt bad. I feel your pain.
Cloudberry Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 You broke NC way too soon. And, he should have been the one to contact you first, if you are interested in getting him back. The card explaining your feelings didn't help, either. I think those gestures chased him away, even though he was already leaving you. He probably won't come back, but your chances are better if you leave him alone. Most importantly, NC will help you get over him sooner.
Author jqb05443 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 sandy did you send him the letter? if so what did it say?
starrienite Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I'm so glad I found this. My heart is breaking. I found out yesterday from an acquaintance that my friend, whom I've loved for 9 years, has moved on (and 30 minutes away). I just can't believe he's gone, without saying goodbye. I care about this guy so much, he was always there for me, we saw each other once a week. I had surgery a few months ago and didn't see or talk to him while I was healing. I heard he was lonely and depressed and started to drink. I guess he thought I ceased contact without saying goodbye, which I never did. He got in trouble at work for drinking, and they transferred him. I guess he was too upset to tell me, he just left. He told me he would be so upset if we would ever be separated and that he couldn't bear the thought of not seeing me. So what happened? Why start drinking? I don't get it. I didn't sleep at all last night and can't stop crying. I keep thinking what if. What if I had contacted him in those 3 months? I know it's not my fault he started drinking and got in trouble, but I feel like it is. I was able to get his new work number, I don't have his new cell number, and I'm going to try and call him. We never dated, we just loved each other so deeply. I always hoped we would be together, but I guess it wasn't in God's plan. I figure if he doesn't call me back or doesn't come to the phone, then he just wants to start over without me in his life. I just can't believe 9 years comes to this, he's gone without even a goodbye. And there's no other woman, I know I wouldn't be able to handle that.
Author jqb05443 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 starrienite...just curious why didn't you guys talk after you had surgery? Why didn't you call him or why wasn't he there when you were healing?
sandy12345678993 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I sent my letter. I honestly thought that is was a break. For that first month I thought I was giving him his space. Then it wasn't until I tried calling a month later and found that his phone number wasn't a working number that i realized it was probably more than a break. So the letter was a mixture of a timeline of when I thought things went wrong and how he stopped talking to me, telling him that I knew we could fix things together if we both just tried and put effort into us, telling him that I loved him and thought about being with him forever, telling him that I had a thousand question and no answers and how I didn't understand what happened and what he couldn't talk to me about. I also did tell him that what he did was cowardly and I was good to him and loved him so much for 7 months, and that I deserved better than to be treated like that. I asked him to tell me something, to tell me goodbye if nothing else so that I can at least get some closure. I sent it to his mailing address, which happens to be his parents' house. It was my only other way of getting a hold of him. He works out of town 3 out of 4 weeks so I don't even know if he's read it. It never came back return to sender so I imagine that it's there. I don't know if he sees it if he'll even open it and read it knowing it's from me, let alone reply to it. (Ouch, that sentence hurts to type.) However, the longer I wait, the more I get my answer. A lot of people will tell you that it's good to write a letter but not a good idea to send it. It makes you look desperate and needy. I don't regret sending it. I also haven't gotten a reply either. I told him how I felt and I feel good about that because if there was a chance to get him back then I was going to take it. I figured I didn't have much to lose either way. Good luck.
Author jqb05443 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 hey sandi i know how you feel. that's why i gave him the letter because i felt that he had to know and i didn't have anything more to lose at that point but now i regret it because if we were going to work on a reconciliation everything was working its way out slowly until the day i gave it to him. that's when he just completely backed away and then told me he would think about things while i was on vacation and a week later i get home and he said we both need to move on. in that respect i regret it but when i first gave it to him i didn't. i feel it hurt my chances. do you still think about him everyday? have you started dating yet? people tell me i should but the mere thought of it makes me sick
starrienite Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I know him through church where we're on the same committees. I was healing and hadn't been going to church and also stopped working on the committees. If I could go back in time I would certainly call him. I didn't think anything of it. I knew I'd be back in church eventually. But apparently he thought I was gone for good and was hurting, probably like I am now. Why he didn't try and contact me, I don't know. That's when he started drinking and things went downhill from there. I still can't believe it. Maybe we'll get our friendship back but I know right now he's hurting. I'm hoping time and space will help. It hurts knowing I won't be seeing him once a week anymore. Hopefully this pain will lessen in time and I can stop crying because I can't right now. I truly love him. I will try calling Monday and I'll probably send a card as well because I just need to say some things. I can't take not knowing what's going on with him. The pain is unbearable. Oh, I never told him when I was having surgery, so he didn't know. I just didn't want to tell him and I wanted to heal. But looking back, I wish I would have told him and things would probably be different now.
sandy12345678993 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Yeah, I still think about him everyday, just as much as I did before when we were together if not more. I haven't figured out a good way not to. It's probably because in the back of my head, I still think he might come back. I haven't actively started dating anyone yet. It might feel good and be healthy to have a little crush on someone though, that might help the healing process, to get my mind on something else and so all my thoughts aren't still focused on him. I dunno yet.
starrienite Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Hi! How is everyone today? I decided not to call. I figure he needs his space right now. I heard he got an apartment 30 minutes from here, and I just need to not call. I really don't know if he'd be able to talk to me right now. I'm going to send a card tomorrow that says I'm thinking about him, it won't be the same without him here and ask him to call me to let me know that's he's okay when he can. Then the ball's in his court. If I don't hear from him then I'll know that our friendship is over and I'll have to respect that.
Beeotch Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 It is 2009...it is highly unlikely that if you block his number he will not find other means of contacting you. Believe that. I think that is us trying to rationalize out of fear....I thought stuff like that as well regarding my ex but I realize NO...when we were first together he made that effort and this is no different...if one avenue doesn't work he will try others if he really wants me. If one avenue doesn't work and he just moves on: 1)he didn't care that much and 2)I DON'T WANT that person who gives up that easily. For now...take HIS word and not the words you want to hear.Big mistake but we all do it.Even if he is lying or speaking out of hurt/anger...you don't know, so it is best to believe what he says and act accordingly.If the situation changes it is up to HIM to tell you "Oh I was just angry...didn't mean it etc"....not for you to come to those conclusions on your own. You get hurt when you ignore what is said and think of a nicer meaning. I really learned.It is hard not to analyze and read into things esp for the good of yourself...but it is best not to. Just think of him not wanting to be friends and your dignity and that should help you keep NC.If his feelings change...HE WILL LET YOU KNOW...come hell or high water. So block his number if you have to.Don't wait on him to move on or get closure etc....get it for yourself girl. I learned that now. Wish I had learned it when my ex and I just broke up as it would have saved me A LOT of time and dignity.
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